It’s an understatement to say that I’ve had some roommate issues in the past year. It would probably be better for me emotionally if I just reflected on the good times as I leave the House of Nightmares, but I am petty and small. I’ve been doing a lot of walking into empty bedrooms, getting mad all over again, and yelling “What an asshole!” It’s a welcome break from cleaning!
As I prepare to leave for good, I’m faced with a final, totally baffling roommate dilemma. One of my roommates left in May and found a sub-letter a few years older than us to take over her lease for June and July. Said sub-letter was very pleasant, but I barely got to know her, as she moved to Phoenix earlier than she had planned. She paid her rent for those two months, and left most of her things there for the better part of June, and then moved it all to Phoenix a few weeks ago. Well, almost all of it.
She left a closet full of stuff behind. I’ve been texting and calling her daily to see what she wants to do with it, but she hasn’t responded at all. This would normally be the point where I’d think to myself She’s pretty clearly telegraphing that she doesn’t want this stuff anymore; guess I’ll make a trip to Goodwill, but I can’t do that. Because. She left her wedding dress in that closet.
I made this discovery the other day while cleaning with another roommate. I pointed out the Closet of Unclaimed Belongings. Roommate went to investigate.
Roommate: “There’s a wedding dress in here.”
Roommate (as though this isn’t an EARTH-SHATTERING piece of gossip): “Yeah, she was married before. They’re not together anymore.”
So what do I do with this girl’s things? It sure doesn’t seem like she wants any of them, but I can’t be the girl who threw away someone’s wedding dress. I’ve been brainstorming with Carly. Here’s what we have so far:
Carly: Just send her one more message telling her you’re going to have to get rid of that stuff if she doesn’t get back to you. And then…see if the dress is cute, and —
Me: And then get married in it?
Carly: I was going to say use it for a costume, but sure, get married in it. Oh man, can you imagine how freaked out guys would be if you brought them home and you had a wedding dress sitting in your closet?
Sarah: Yeah, but I could just tell them “It’s cool, I’m not one of those desperate, wedding-obsessed girls — I didn’t pay for it. I just took it from this girl I lived with once.
Carly: Right — “Oh, don’t worry, I took it from someone who’s already been married in it. It’s stolen.”
I’ve been amusing myself with the idea of having a gently-used wedding dress in my closet, just in case! (“She already had her turn — uh, I mean, she was already done with it. Wait, baby, where are you going? Baby come back!!!”) The other night I was feeling nosy, so I went into the closet and took a look at the dress. It was pretty! Lots of beading, which isn’t really my thing, but whatever. Then I went to bed because I could no longer handle how creepy I was being. Yesterday I told Carly what I had done.
Carly: Did you check what size it was?
Sarah: Damn it! I felt weird enough just looking at it. Maybe she’ll finally respond to my texts if I send her a picture of myself, standing in her empty room wearing the dress, and I’ll be like “You want to put a stop to this? Come get your shit.” And if it doesn’t work—
Carly: Then you’ll take it.
I haven’t lost my marbles enough yet to think that this is a good idea. But after another few days of cleaning, the Lysol fumes and lack of sleep might be the lethal combination necessary to convince me that taking someone else’s wedding dress hostage, and then sending her a picture message of said hostage situation, is a crackerjack idea.
Fear not, if it happens I’ll obviously post the photo on here. At that point, it’ll be pretty clear that I have no shame and/or sense of decency. Why hide that from all (3 or 4) of you??!
[Update: “Every day I grow more tempted to try on the dress,” I told Carly today. “Maybe wear a T-shirt under it,” she suggested. “…Does that make it less weird?” TOTES!]