SCULPTED CHEST, YO: Brought to you by the early 00’s LiveJournal Archives

It’s a well documented fact that I reached the peak of my coolness in elementary school. I had everything going for me: I was the new girl in school. I had a hairline fracture in my left arm that resulted in a hot pink cast which was signed by, oh I don’t know… EVERYONE. Plus, after years of manipulating a paper clip and putting it in my mouth, I was finally the lucky recipient of a an honest-to-goodness retainer. My friends and I ruled Esperanza elementary with an iron fist, and we were worshipped.

I held onto my coolness as best as I could throughout middle school. I hung out with the popular girls on the weekend, I threw really sweet parties, and I was even a cheerleader for a few years. Then I got to high school and decided to join speech and debate. And then I met Sarah.

If I were to go through the laundry list of things that Sarah and I (along with our rag-tag group of best friends-LYLAS DV06) did that were embarrassing, we would be here all night, and I would have nothing to talk about when I get writers block. Instead, I will tell you about one incident that is forever seared into my memory.

The year was 2006, and we were in the midst of something Sarah and I have coined “Spring Madness,” in which the perils of academics and speech competition left our brains addled and social skills fried. Our team was being honored in an academic awards ceremony, so we were sitting in front of the bleachers facing the entire student body. In order to pass the time, Sarah and I did what any well-adjusted, intelligent 17-year-olds would: we wrote fan fiction.

Giggling like madwomen, we passed a piece of notebook paper back and forth, taking turns adding a sentence to our masterpiece. The sexual tension between Salmonella Nyghtflower and Draco Malfoy was reaching a fever pitch just as our principal finished introducing the next speaker. In a rare moment of silence, a gust of wind came out of nowhere, lifting the paper out of my hand. “MY FANFIC!!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed, as I leapt out of my chair. I was so wrapped up in catching our piece of work that I didn’t even feel the thousands of eyes on me until I had returned to my seat, safely clutching our story. Suffice it to say, I may have retained our story, but I certainly lost my dignity.

And now, for your reading pleasure… And against my better judgement, I present to you–


Salmonella Rhiannon Nyghtflower sat with a heavy heart in the Gryffindor common room as rain angrily lashed the windowpanes, mirroring the tortured, wrenching pain in her soul. She pulled out her parchment and furiously began writing about vampires, trying desperately to drown out the sobs that echoed in her mind. Damn that Draco Malfoy, she thought tormentedly, as tears dripped on the parchment and smeared the ink, something that was sure to displease Professor Floopwinky when he received in the next day. I can’t do this anymore. She threw her tainted work on the ground and marched through the portrait hole. I have to get some answers.

She had barely taken two steps, when she was nearly knocked off of her feet by the very man she was looking for, currently wearing a deliciously devilish sneer as he strode powerfully down the corridor. She nervously glanced behind her at her tear stained parchment, as she standed [Editors note: It was supposed to be stood. THERE WAS A LOT GOING ON!] up with her head held high, determined not to let him know the paralyzing effect he truly had on her. He wheeled in a flash of robes and blonde hair when he realized she was standing there, and stood glaring malevolently, muscular arms crossed menacingly across his broad chest. Salmonella’s eyes stopped on his chest, she was hypnotized by the rise and fall of such a perfect structure. He cleared his throat in annoyance, and she nervously met his stormy grey eyes, eyes which seemed to devour her very soul and still hunger for more.

“Well, if it isn’t little miss Nyghtflower. What are you doing wandering the corridors at this hour?” At the sound of his rumbling, aristocratic bass voice Salmonella’s breathing quickened, and she felt her cheeks redden against her will. “Well?” Salmonella’s gaze snapped back up to his deep eyes, embarrassed of her delayed response.

“I…I was just…” suddenly all her perfectly calculated conversation starters flew out of her mind, and she stared blankly, lost in the perfection of his eyes. Draco snickered audibly. Say something, Salmonella. She searched for the words but found nothing. His eyes narrowed in recognition, and he said slowly, “I remember now…you’re THE Salmonella Nyghtflower…the one everyone says is in love with me.” “I.. uh… ”

Horrified in embarrassment, Salmonella ducked down and began jogging down the corridor, hoping to avoid any further confrontation. So she thinks she can run from me, Draco thought to himself, as he walked swiftly after her. “There’s no need to run, Salmonella.” Salmonella felt his calm voice wash over her like liquid, as she tried desperately to remember what she was running from.” He slowed his pace when he realized he had her, his silky voice running over her like honey, and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

Her body went rigid and she felt a chill run through her body as he slowly turned her around “What are you running, from, Salmonella?” he murmured. “I.. um..I’m not sure…” her voice trailed off as she stared intently on the concrete floor. “I’m an expert at running…” Draco continued softly, “But often the things that seem the most frightening are the very things that can set you free.” … SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IN “FORBIDDEN FUIT: LUSTING AFTER THE UNATAINABLE” (PART DEUX)

[We wanted to share the hilarity with the world, so one night, in the depths of Carly’s parents’ basement, we uploaded it on some kind of fan fiction website and then promptly forgot about it. Several months later, we returned to the story to see if we had any comments. There was only one: “Do you know that salmonella is a disease?” — Sarah]

[Also, while re-reading this, I literally wept from laughing so hard. Our best work is clearly behind us. — Sarah]

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4 Responses to SCULPTED CHEST, YO: Brought to you by the early 00’s LiveJournal Archives

  1. kristie says:

    listen, I know this is your blog, but I’m gonna be really petty and gripe about the 2 contributing authors that went unmentioned: WHERE ARE JACKIE AND MY NODS?!?!

    but for reals, I’m so glad you posted this. This shit is awesome. Prof Floopwinky is the best name Rowling never came up with. Well done.

    • Carly says:

      That’s true. You guys were instrumental in the creation of the FANFIC. I hope you enjoyed reliving it as much as we did. I’ll never stop laughing at Draco’s sculpted chest.

  2. Sarah says:

    I think we started to write a Part 2 but misplaced it. I remember very clearly being in the middle of writing a scene that took place in a dungeon. Too bad it’s lost forever!

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