State of the Union — Week 1 in Brooklyn! New friend count: 0

As of today, Carly and I have been Brooklyn residents for exactly one week. So far, we’ve managed to make exactly zero new friends. Some might speculate that this is because, rather than venturing into the world, Carly and I are perfectly content to spend our days in our separate bedrooms watching seasons 1 and 2 of “The West Wing” for the 50th time, but there are definitely a couple of other things working against us.

1. I don’t think we’re looking in the right places for friends. The reason I know this is that the closest we’ve come to new pals was our first night in town, when we were accosted by Dan the Man and Lee, an Australian vagabond/faith healer. Needless to say, these are the type of people you hope to never run into again at the local bocce ball-playing spot (YES, THAT’S A THING THAT EXISTS.)

2. We’re both having significant hair issues. I refuse to comment on it any further.

3. We don’t have a stoop. We went out with some friends last night and realized that we were doomed to be alone forever, because while we live in a neighborhood full of gorgeous brownstones on tree-lined streets with picturesque entryways, our building does not offer us any of that.

A stoop from “Sex and the City” (I’m told). WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO KISS ANYONE ANYWHERE ELSE?

Stoops are an integral part of falling in love in New York City. Literally every romantic comedy ever will back me up on this.

Remember when Will Smith taught Kevin James how to kiss ON A STOOP IN NYC?! WHY DIDN’T WE THINK ABOUT THIS WHEN WE SIGNED OUR LEASE?!?!?!?

Look at those pictures. Look how charming those stairs are. Don’t they just seem alive with romantic possibility? In contrast, here’s what we’re working with:

“I had a really nice time tonight. Would you like to take a romantic stroll through the cemetery across the street from my stoop-less apartment? Wait, where are you going?!”

On a related note, isn’t it weird to think about the fact that Carly and I go to sleep every night mere meters away from thousands of dead bodies?

The point is, we can’t keep importing friends from other states to have brunch with us every weekend. At some point we’re going to have to find new friends. I don’t really see any other way to do this than to start pretending that I actually live in one of the brownstones across the bridge, and that our actual apartment is just a separate property where we keep the dogs.

They really needed their own place.

I literally cannot see a single flaw in this plan.

LYLAS, neighbor whose front entrance we’ll be lurking outside of several times a week! Thanks for helping us spit game!

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1 Response to State of the Union — Week 1 in Brooklyn! New friend count: 0

  1. Audrey says:

    ALWAYS KISS ME GOODNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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