Since moving to New York, I tend to spend a disproportionate time thinking about the following:
1. Bagels. They are so good. But so bad for you… but so good. And SO BIG. And the cream cheese! I just… jalapeño cream cheese, you guys. Jalapeño cream cheese.
2. Brunch. I don’t need to go over this again, as you all know how I feel. But suffice it to say that I spend Monday through Saturday dreaming of Sunday, because Sunday means brunch, which means bliss.
3. Happy hour. Sure, I spent a hefty amount of time contemplating happy hour in Phoenix, but now that the average beer costs $6, happy hour scouting is a survival skill, not a hobby. Today, for instance, Sarah and I planned our entire afternoon around a happy hour, EVEN THOUGH going to said happy hour guaranteed that we would run into the Wicked Witch of Windsor Terrace, a woman who has, on multiple occasions, shown up in Sarah’s nightmares. (She showed up in my dream one night and I literally woke up screaming. This is serious. — Sarah)
4. How to survive if/when I fall onto the subway tracks.
Now this last one has really started occupying the vast majority of both mine and Sarah’s time. It started out as an innocent enough conversation. One night, while waiting to go out, we began discussing where the best to be would be, if a train was heading straight toward you. We came up with a few scenarios that we thought would offer up the greatest chance of survival, but ultimately decided that the best bet would be to stop standing so close to the edge of the platform as a precautionary measure.
Later, we met up with our friend (Sarah might have been exaggerating on the new friend count a tad) and asked him what he would do. After a lengthy discussion, we filled him in on our plan to avoid the edges.
“Yeah, that’s probably a good plan. Of course, there is that one time of a year when a crazy person just pushes someone onto the tracks,” he said, matter of factly.
This brought up a lot of questions: Is said person harboring a sociopathic grudge and just looking for an easy way to off someone? Does he/she just really want to know what it looks like to see someone get killed by an oncoming train? Who decides what day is subway killing day? Am I going to get some sort of memo that will warn me to stay off the tracks on, say, April 17, because Jupiter has entered the sign of the fish and the time for killing is nigh???
There was only one person who could solve this dilemma for us. If anyone is going to put a train rumor to rest, it is Joseph “The Train Guy” Ferris. After a round of birthday inspired margaritas (you did all wish Sarah a happy birthday, RIGHT???), we brought up the inevitable–is it true that once a year a crazy pushes a stranger onto the subway tracks?
Joe’s response did little to calm us down. He took us through a brief algebraic equation, that, perhaps without the margaritas, would have been effective in highlighting the unlikelihood that we would ever encounter a person who was sacrificing to the subway gods. With the margaritas, however, all it did was confirm that however unlikely, the fact remained that at least once a year (AT LEAST) someone is going to get pushed in!
This immediately led us into a downward spiral, in which Sarah and I vowed to never ride the subway again without a safety harness.
Given that Sarah and I both live in Brooklyn and work in Mahattan, our NY futures were beginning to look pretty bleak. Until we learned about Wesley Autrey.
Autrey is a 50 something construction worker who, in 2007, lept onto the subway tracks and saved the life of a young man suffering a seizure. Ferris brought him up to reassure us that, in the unlikely event that we are the victims of a push and run, there will likely be brave souls like Autrey to come to our rescue.
Which–fair. However, Sarah and I have both decided that rather than relying on the hope that there might be someone like Wesley Autrey to jump to our aid, we would prefer to just go ahead and get the real thing.
So, on the off chance that Mr. Autrey is reading this blog post, here is what we are willing to offer you:
We will pay for your unlimited metro card each month.
Every morning, we will buy you one 16 oz. coffee. That’s a standard issue coffee, not a latte. Don’t be unreasonable, we’re not miracle workers.
Upon escorting us home each night, we will provide you with a plate of a steaming hot dinner prepared by either Sarah or myself. The receipt of this dinner is contingent upon you taking both dogs for a walk around the block beforehand. Don’t get greedy.
After dinner, you may stay for up to one hour of either DVR or live programming. We will also allow you first choice and veto power regarding couch positioning.
On special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries and NOTHING ELSE) we might bake for you.
Please respond at your earliest convenience. While you are our first choice, we do have plenty of people interested in filling the position given our generous benefits package.
Carly and Sarah