What do you do when your dogs start dating?

I don’t think Carly and I thought this whole blog thing through. Not only do we have time-consuming day jobs, but I spend most of my non-job time worrying about writing something for school that doesn’t completely blow, and when she hasn’t been staying late at work, Carly’s been catching up on season 1 of “The Vampire Diaries.” The point is, we’re sorry. AGAIN.

A side effect of all our time away from home is that Suki and Jasper have been spending an unprecedented amount of time alone together. The two of them were together often before Carly and I became roommates, but it was usually only for a few days at a time. Their relationship in AZ was interesting — they definitely got along, but they left each other alone for the most part. It wasn’t unusual for them to pick opposite corners of the house to lay in, park themselves there, and stay for hours. Sometimes Suki would try to get Jasper to play with her, but he didn’t understand toys and also didn’t seem interested in wrestling, so she would give up pretty quickly.

All that has changed.

About a week after Carly and I started working full-time, we noticed that Suki and Jasper suddenly loved wrestling. They would wrestle in the living room, on the couch, in both of our rooms — and it was aggressive, too. We would come home, and furniture would be moved from its original position. Pillows would be on the floor. Small cuts appeared on Suki’s face, and Jasper’s fur was constantly caked with her spit. It was fucking gross. But it didn’t stop there.

We were able to witness the wrestling firsthand, which was as embarrassing for the two of them as you would expect (Sometimes, Jasper just bites Suki’s leg, just to start shit. Other times, Suki opens her mouth as wide as she can, latches onto Jasper’s neck, and whips her head back and forth until he falls on the ground). But we didn’t realize how bad it actually was until the night before my birthday, when I came home to find Carly waiting for me with a cake and a terrible story.

“I was just sitting on the couch, watching TV,” she began, “when I looked over and saw Suki sitting in front of the couch with Jasper lying behind her. You know how Suki likes to sit and look at people over her shoulder? Well she was doing that, but her head was leaning way back, and Jasper was just nuzzling her neck? And it was really sensual? I was really uncomfortable.”

It was no longer possible to ignore the fact that our two dogs were an item. Let me tell you something about dog couples — they’re disgusting.

They wear each others’ clothes.

They shower together.

Carly even has a tandem pooping story that I won’t transcribe, because I don’t think the world is ready for it. [Correction: I have two tandem pooping stories. Each of them equally upsetting, but also kind of cute. — Carly]

Of course, even though the evidence is undeniable, neither will do us the courtesy of confirming their relationship outright. When I ask Suki if there’s something going on between them, she gives me this look:

So smug.

but won’t confirm.

When I ask Jasper, he looks at me like this:

WHAT WHO TOLD YOU THAT WE'RE NOT TOGETHER!!!!

and usually leaves the room.

I mean, I guess I’m really happy for them, or whatever, but all I can think about is what happens when they get really serious, and kick me and Carly out of the house, Chandler Bing and Monica Geller-style, because they’re in love and want to live alone as a couple. (Carly and I are both the Rachel in this situation. Seriously though, how fucked up was that?! SHE LIVED THERE FOR YEARS!)

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One Response to What do you do when your dogs start dating?

  1. Kristie says:

    tandem pooping stories. give us the tandem pooping stories.

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