Hey guys! As always, it’s been a while. Carly and I are embarking on an experiment. Since we love screaming at people about “The Bachelor” almost as much as we love watching it, we’ve decided to include it in our blog. This way, it’ll force us to post twice a week (one “Bachelor”-related post, and one post about something else because we feel bad about subjecting
all of you our moms to the “Bachelor” posts). Hope this works!
Anyways, Welcome to “The Bachelor,” everyone. And welcome to the person I become when I watch it.
8:19 Right away, we learn that at some point in the ep there will be gross making out. Are we surprised? We are not. Let’s do this!
Holy shit, one girl quit her job (she’s a waitress, but still) to be on this show? And spent her life savings on gowns?!!!!?!?!?! I feel like the desperation level of the contestants rises exponentially each season. By the time we get to, say, season 80 (and we will), it’s going to end with one of the girls kidnapping The Bachelor (by this time it’ll just be a robot made of titanium and DNA stolen posthumously from Brad) and hauling him off to live in a secret underground bunker beneath the Bachelor mansion. 100 years later their skeletons will be found, holding hands, by Chris Harrison’s great-grandson. Just like on “Lost.” And there will STILL only have been 1 successful relationship in the whole “Bachelor/ette” franchise. What up.
8:25 The problem with Brad is that he’s so nice (weird, because the show has been trying to convince me that he is SCUM for not proposing to people he didn’t love) and so, so eager to praise the ladeez — they’re all beautiful/amazing/down-to-earth/blah blah blah. Problem: they are none of those things. Well, like 3 of them are fine. Actually, just Emily (the really pretty widow whose hubby was a race-car driver) is great. Everyone else can jump off a bridge.
8:27 “Fifteen girls. And Brad. It is going to be so hard.” Gross, Michelle!
8:34 Well, Brad and the hyperactive dentist are on a date in a deserted amusement park. That is…effing terrifying. You know what would really impress me? If “The Bachelor” subverted my expectations and opted NOT to include the obligatory making-out-on-the-ferris-wheel sce— AAAAHHH, WE’RE TOO LATE!
8:38 Next day. Red Cross blood drive group date! Okay, what if the ladies all gave blood and they found out that someone had a horrible disease?? Ooh, they’re avoiding that by not actually having them give blood — just filming fake PSAs to encourage other people to donate. Well played, Red Cross.
Naturally, they’re filming scenes in which they have to make out with Brad, because what PSA doesn’t consist of people grossly making out? Ugh, the desperation with which all of these girls kiss him (one after another, assembly line/infectious disease spreading-style) is so upsetting. It’s like — if you had to convince someone not to condemn you to death by firing squad, using only your mouth.
8:41 It’s so weird that Michelle is so upset about having to be on the show during her 30th birthday. Surely she…knew this was coming?
8:44 Well, it’s come to this. Girls literally tugging Brad back and forth so they can make out with him while 20-30 people look on. While Brad wears a fake mustache. As you do.
8:59 Cocktail party at the mansion! “Look at all these eyes.” Too true, Brad. I feel like these girls are all eyes and bronzer and grasping, manicured nails. NOOOOOOO HE GAVE MICHELLE THE ROSE BECAUSE IT’S HER BIRTHDAY, WHY ARE YOU SO POLITE AND SO STUPID, BRAD?
9:01 One-on-one date #2! “This date is Jackie’s very own ‘Pretty Woman’ experience.” Are you calling Jackie a hooker, Brad? I mean…
9:03 So they’re at a hotel, and Brad made Jackie put on a robe, and — wait, did Brad go to Spa University? Is he a Spa Doctor? If not, why is he spreading mud all over Jackie’s face with a paintbrush? Why is he giving her a hand massage? Does anyone affiliated with the hotel know they’re here? Did they even check in? Is Brad going to take his mask off and it’ll actually turn out to be Michelle and then she’ll toss Jackie out of a window, just like on “Lost”?
9:07 So they changed out of their robes into formalwear, and now they’re going to an undisclosed location. This early into the season, there are really only 3 possible date options: awkward picnic set up by an intern on a beach, bungee-jumping/tightrope walking between office buildings, or a private concert. All classics.
Nooooo! NO! The private concert! I hoped it wouldn’t be the private concert, but how could it not be? It’s a time-honored “Bachelor” tradition. Past “Bachelor” performers include Chicago (!) and Barenaked Ladies (!!) It’s an honor, obv. Is it Seal? Please be Seal! I was promised Seal at some point during this season! But they can’t possibly have Seal on this early. What else would we look forward to?
9:08 Weird dinner first. “I never dated in college. I just went on a few dates and I neverhadaboyfriendallfouryears*HUGE BITE OF FOOD*” Come on, Jackie, own it! Now I like her.
“You’ve only had two serious relationships in your WHOLE LIFE?!” Hey, relax, Brad. We can’t all date 30 people at the same time and not-propose to two of them.
“I’m concerned Jackie might wake up and realize this is all too much of a risk for her.” This makes it sound like Brad’s chloroforming her.
Concert time!!!!! Ugh, it’s Train. A TRAIN CONCERT. Even the Train guy is like “I’m too famous.” TRAIN. Totes phoning it in on the vocals. You don’t see Seal just screaming random notes during his mysterious future live performance, GOD I CAN’T WAIT FOR SEAL. Can you imagine being Jackie, making out with The Bachelor knowing that the guy from Train is probs internally critiquing your technique, all while wailing “maaaaarrrry meeeee” over and over (Train guy is wailing “marry me”, not Jackie. Although she probably is, in her mind.) Ugh, I need a break.
9:23 Another cocktail party! “I just want to get in there.” Brad, that’s gross.
9:24 Brad is so marrying Emily the widow. CALLING IT. And by “so marrying” I mean “so proposing to” and by “so proposing to” I mean “maybe proposing to” because it is Brad, amirite guys?
Ooh, girls are fighting. Raichel the Manscaper (yup) thinks Melissa the Waitress is “fake.” Interestingly, if you ask Melissa, she thinks that it is Raichel who is in fact the fake one! This leads to the following genius exchange: “You are like a toxic disease to me in this journey.” “She is psycho.” “No, actually you are psycho?”
Did someone just refer to the fighting girls as “drama spinsters”? If not, I’m going to start. Oh good, Brad’s getting involved.
NO WAY, ALI AND ROBERTO (from last season of “The Bachelorette”, DUH, and they’re still together FOR NOW) ARE HERE?!?!?!?!?! WHAT DOES ALI’S WEAVE LOOK LIKE. THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW BRAD. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Ooh, now the ladeez have to impress Ali and Roberto too. Well played, Chris Harrison. Chris Harrison is the puppetmaster, right?
EMILY GETS A ROSE! EMILY GETS A ROSE! She has an “extreme amount of class.” Whatever, Brad. But seriously, stay on this path. He says to her, “If and only if you’ll accept this rose I’d like to give it to you.”
9: 52 Ah, the rose ceremony. When you realize it’s been almost 2 hours and you’re wasting your LIFE. Harrison wants us to remember, only a few minutes ago, girls were ripping out each other’s weaves using only their words. Keep stirring up the dramz, Harrison. He’s so quietly gleeful when he does it. Marry me, Chris Harrison! (What?)
So. Who’s going home? Hey Brad (This is also the part in the evening when you start talking to The Bachelor(ette) as though they can actually hear you), do a rose ceremony bloodbath like Jake did last season and get rid of, like, 10 girls at once! Make them fight for a single rose at the bottom of the pool! Naked! Just looking out for you, Brad.
9:57 Ooh, down to the wire. Hey Brad! Send both of the fighting girls (Raichel Manscaper and Melissa Waitress) home! FIGHT IN THE PARKING LOT!!!!!!!!! FIGHT IN THE POOL!!!!!!! THEN IN THE PARKING LOT!!!!!! I’m here for you, Brad!
FIGHTING GIRLS ARE GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
“YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I yell at the television, pumping both fists, alone in my living room. (Big sad face.) Also, Brad might be smarter than I thought.
9:58 Aw, Keltie (purple shirt) is crying. “I think I’m maybe meant to be alone.” Bigger sad face! Don’t give up! But woof, stop telling us all these sad things about your dating life. Stop it! You stop it right now.
“It sucks because, like, I’m a really nice person?” Sorry Melissa, the past hour of heavily edited footage says you lie. Hope all those gowns are returnable and your restaurant hires you back. WHAT UP. I love how Brad isn’t even pretending to be upset. Maybe he’s a secret genius. Marry me instead, Brad! (Who said that?)
COMING UP: Michelle marks her territory! Knowing her (and I totes feel like I do, now) that will involve actual urine. OH NO, SINGING. A RECORDING SESH DATE. STOP THE SINGING! WAIT, SEAL, I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT YOU!
See you next weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! (I feel like this is going to result in negative pageviews. Whatever, can’t be tamed.)