Just in case you forgot. Adorable!
Back at the house, the date box (gross) shows up. And it’s for our favorite torchured barbie.
Sarah: you know they’ll just be in a vineyard sipping the same glass for wine for 3 hours
while emily CRIES (sorry emily)
What's weird about this? Literally nothing.
Before the magic can happen though, there’s a totally normal cocktail party to get through.
Carly: LYLAS EMILY! Also, back to this movie shit… I feel like BRad just gave the producers his bucket list, and that’s how the dates were decided.
Sarah: “action movie, red cross PSA, SEAL”
Sarah: There is so much more crying than usual. DADDY ISSUESSSSS
Carly: KEEP EM COMING
Sarah: you realize you’re having this serious talk half-naked by the pool, right
Carly: while like 4 girls are waiting just out of the shot to be like “can I steal him away for a second? TEE HEEEE”
Sarah: brad is so nice, he has to be a murderer
Sarah: that’s why he came on the show again, he ran out of girls to murder
Carly: Brad’s contract was like “1. Get Seal. 2. I get to kill some bitches. 3. Action movie.”
Carly: Maybe Michelle and Brad will end up together and become a murdering duo. she has the craziest crazy eyes I’ve ever seen
“you guys keep having this convo, I’m just going to stand over here and make a lot of noise, but really- NO RUSH” -Michelle
Carly: I think she’s giving him an HJ
Carly: did you see that hand traveling south?
Carly: well obviously michelle is getting a rose
Sarah: i didn’t know you could just do an HJ/rose exchange
Sarah: shawntel i think
chantal’s the crying divorcee
also, HAHA michelle
HJs are not the answer to EVERYTHING
Carly: I bet she’s journaling right now
Carly: whoa, Michelle. “Pretty soon it’ll just be me and Brad. In Tahiti (fleeing our various murder charges). Practicing making babies.” PUMP THE BRAKES.
More one-on-one! Now with 100% more hot, widowed mom.
I don't think this aired in the ep we saw, but OMG
Carly: Called it.
Sarah: Nailed it.
i speaka the language
Sarah: brad loves the intense backstories
give it to him
Carly: he’s like one of those people who burns himself
Time for Emily to reveal her tragic past. I think Brad is drunk.
She's so winning this. She's the new Tenley (SEASON 14 CALLBACK, WHAT UP)
Carly: awwww… Sarah, I love him. What’s happening to me??
Sarah: i know, we usually hate the bachelor by now
Sarah: i like him more and more
MARRY ME INSTEADDDDDDD
Carly: I LIKE THE WAY YOU LAAAAUGH
Sarah: “you’re such a good listenerrrrrR”
Carly: Brad’s kind of an ugly kisser
we’ll have to work on that once we’re together
Carly: when the 3 of us start our lives together
Later, Brad takes some time for himself, in the “Bachelor” mansion not currently filled with SPINSTERS.
Not actually his house, but HAHA
Carly: Wait. Is there a fog machine in his backyard? Real talk
Sarah: or the hot tub is just working overtime 24/7
also a possibility
he’s warming up the hot tub for his therapist
Carly: “I’m having some issues, Dr.”
“why don’t we get in the hot tub and talk about it”
Sarah: “i can access repressed emotions much more easily in the hot tub”
Carly: “I’m just going to put some oil on your back real quick.”
Sarah: the therapist is like “you know i can’t actually help you while you’re on this show, right”
COMMERCIAL. FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER COCKTAIL PARTY THIS SHOW TAKES FOREVER, GAAAAAH
Carly: Did Susan Sarandon get a boob job?
Those looked HUUUUGE
Sarah: NO NON-BACHELOR CONTENT IN THIS CHAT PLEASE
Carly: ackk he looks so good in a suit
tell me about your feeeeeeeeeeeeelings
Carly: “sure thing, let me just hop in this hot tub” -Brad
Sarah: “warm up those feelings real quick”
Sarah: oh my god, is there a girl in this house who’s not like “MY DAD WAS CHARLES MANSON”
Carly: Michelle is exhausting me
Sarah: “this is our first fight?” Brad, kill yourself. It’s the only way out. I’ll do it too. Suicide pact.
I can’t take this
Carly: Ugh this cocktail party is taking foreverrrrrrr
Sarah: oh god, the rose ceremony
i feel like i’ve lived several lives
this is the first time we’ve seen harrison all night
Carly: his job is so important
Sarah: here we goooooo
Carly: I’M SO NERVOUS
no I’m not
I just want it to be over
Carly: THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVERRRRRRR
Madison seems to have her head on straight. She literally heard Emily’s story and was like “I’M OUT.”
Carly: how is Madison so reasonable but so fanged?
Sarah: this might be the most dignified bachelor exit of all time
Carly: Madison for the win
she’s from Brooklyn, OBVIOUSLY
Sarah: this is the most boring rose ceremony ever, now that Emily’s a lock.
Carly: There are so many girls with bad hair in this room
Sarah: woof, it’s not really fair that they have the eliminated girls do a confessional after the cocktail party. That’s like 4 hours of drinking, I’d be like “NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE MEEEEEEEE”
In the end, Kimberly (left) and Sarah (center) get the boot for not being interesting enough, we assume. Madison (right), the Brooklyn vamp, LOSES a rose but GAINS BACK her DIGNITY.
Carly: well. That was awful.