EYEROLLLLLLLLLL (Or, “The Bachelor: Season 15 (FIFTEEN!), Episode 4)

Hour 1: Sarah’s on duty. What up, guys?

2NITE: One girl, who is one of 15 women dating 1 man on a television show, will accuse another girl (also dating that same man) of being “emotionally unstable.” Also, spoiler alert! Michelle will scare a lot of people.

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3 seconds into the episode, Michelle is already going through things. “Today I woke up with a black eye, so I think I deserve the one-one-one date with Brad. I am going to have him kiss my eye.” Gross, Michelle. Meanwhile: “I wish I gave Michelle that black eye. I want to rip her head off HAHAHAHA” — Me (Actually, Ashley S! Grrrl!)

Chantal the divorcee gets the first one-on-one. “I’ve been waiting to take Chantal O. on a date for so long.” Brad. It’s been a week. And you have to call her “Chantal O” because you’re dating another lady named “Shawntel N,” in addition to the 13 other ladies I’ve watched you make out with on television. I support you, but you have to relax.

"Chantal, you are every bit as special to me as the other 10 women with whom I'm currently getting my mack on." - Brad. Oh, BRAD!

They’re going scuba diving for their date. Chantal is upset. “It’s a huge thing, to ask me to get in the ocean.” What does that mean? Does she not usually get in the ocean before marriage? “My biggest fear,” Chantal O says in a confessional VERY CLEARLY TAPED AFTER THE DATE, “is that I’ll get in the water and I won’t get back out.”

"You know, just us cuddling on the beach with a camera crew. Totally ready to get married (again). How could I not be? I'm so normal!!!!" - Brad and Chantal, made 4 each other.

Yessssss, now we get to find out why Chantal the divorcee got divorced. I love this ish. She’s a totally different person than the one she was when she got married. She knows what she wants now. It’s all about the right person. When you find the right person, everything falls into place. Sure. Who better to embark on the grand marriage experiment than a lady who reacted to the dissolution of her first marriage by going on a reality dating show, and a dude who went on that show TWICE? I mean, really.

Michelle, you should go home before I murder you. Also, before you go totally crazy. - Ashley S.

Back at the house, it’s a dark and stormy night, and Michelle’s eye is following people around the house, leaking crocodile tears. She picks Ashley S, who has previously expressed a desire to murder her, to vent to. Ashley S suggests that she leave, lest she crack under the pressure. Smart girl.

"You're too late, I already AM crazy!"

Chantal apologizes to Brad for smacking him in the face at their first meeting. Brad say he loves “the playfulness” between them, which is a delightful euphemism for abuse. Chantal gets a rose, but whether it’s due to her predilection for domestic violence or sparkling beauty is unclear. Brad says he wants to run away with Chantal. WHAT ABOUT EMILY, BRAD?!

Group date! Mimosas in the limo, NATCH. Get those ladies drunk and punching each other, stat. Brad’s tour of self-flagellation continues on “Loveline with Dr. Drew and Mike,” during which I’m sure there will be at least 10 mentions of “being here for the right reasons.”

Brad gets interviewed first, with all the ladies pressed against the window of the studio (AND STILL DRINKING, GOOD WORK SHOW) like they’re hoping to phase through the glass into the feelings aquarium.

Woof.

Brad tells everyone that he doesn’t want them to have regrets. What about me, Brad?! I love you. I don’t know what’s come over me. I usually hate the bachelor after a few eps but I like you more and more. Do you need my number, or my address or whatever? My social security number? Bank accounts? Just take it, TAKE ALL OF IT.

I don’t even know what happened on “Loveline.” So boring. The only takeaway is that Bostonian Stacy was a cheating whore in college BUT she copped to it when Dr. Drew asked about cheating, so.

POST GROUP-DATE COCKTAIL PARTY! Time for everyone to get psycho. “I’m not a jealous person but these feelings are erupting from me.” Ashley H, that’s gross.

Back at the house, Michelle gets the second one-on-one! Chantal points out that her date card reads “LET’S HANG OUT,” but there’s no mention of love the way there was with the previous individual date cards. Michelle takes this in stride goes on a crazy downward spiral. “I’m sure it’s nothing,” Chantal says, barely holding in gleeful laughter. Class A mind games, Chantal!

Ashley H, you ruined it.

Ashley H sneaks across the yard to spy on Brad and some other girl (her name is Britt, allegedly) making out. As you do. Brad, ever polite, kicks Britt out of their love nest and invites Ashley to sit down and yak about her feelings. Ashley pukes her feelings everywhere and Brad goes from being confused to being irritated to saying shit like “I am not going to let you take a step back.” Brad, I think you really want her to take a step back. At the end of the night, during the hot tub debriefing sesh, he seems ready to dole out a pity rose to Ashley H in front of EVERYONE, but she cant keep her ‘tude in check so he gives it to Britt instead! Game changer. Ashley H gets sucked into one of the whirlpool jets. Whoops, daydream.

Hour 2: Carls in charge

What up. It’s Carly. Sarah cracked under the pressure. The thought of recapping Michelle’s date was all too much. She’s taking a moment to journal and work out some things.

At the house, Chantal calls out Michelle for… not being on time for her scene in the action movie? I really like how interested Chantal is in stirring up drama. KEEP IT COMING! Ruffle Michelle’s feathers! You know she’s talented since Michelle is so stable and even keeled most of the time.

Like a busted Jillian Michaels, that one.

Michelle says she is going to elbow Ashley in the eye if she doesn’t get a rose on their date. Is anyone else concerned about the fact that Michelle is a mother? She suuure references physical violence as a solution to things a lot. I’M HERE FOR YOU, CHILD OF MICHELLE!

Also, can we sidebar for a moment? How do we feel about “The Roommate?” Do we feel great about it? Because we should. I feel great about it. “I got rid of them all, for you!” HAHAHAHAHA Really super stuff. “The Roommate: The Michelle from The Bachelor story”

“I swear on my life I’m going to throw up.” “K.” Good pep talk, Womack.

Brad and Michelle take a helicopter ride, because The Bachelor can only travel by suped up antique cars or helicopters always for… some reason.

Oh good, it’s the great heights date where the bachelor and some ho throw themselves off a building and don’t die. How long until we talk about taking a leap of–Well that was fast.

“This is real.” Yes, hanging from a skyscraper with a man you met like 6 days ago and an entire cast and crew. REAL AS IT GETS!

Michelle says that repelling down the side of a building is the greatest experience of her entire life. Giving birth? 7/10. Kids first birthday? Mediocre at best. Hey Michelle- You’re the worst.

More violent imagery from my worst nightmare. Hey Michelle, did you forget that your a mother? I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but maybe relax a little?

EEEEUUUUUGH TO EVERYTHING IN THIS PICTURE

It’s nice that Brad says he’d walk away if he wasn’t ready to marry someone at the end of this, but we all know that’s not true, right? He’s clearly going to pick someone rather than endure being crucified AGAIN for being a dignified person. Big sad face for Brad and his loveless marriage. CALL ME WHEN YOU FINISH THE MEDIA TOUR, BRAD!

NOOOO DON’T GIVE HER THE ROSE, BRAD! You know, I’m rooting for you, I really am. But you gotta cut the psycho loose. You absolutely cannot procreate with that nightmare. PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME.

Ewww Brad is such an ugly kisser. I think he’s gotten worse since last week. WAIT WAIT! I DIDN’T MEAN IT! IT AIN’T EVEN LIKE THAT! BABY COME BACKKKK!

Oh good, Brad’s therapist is here. Better turn on the hot tub. Also, where is Chris Harrison? Are he and Emily off getting mani/pedis?? Can I come?????

Cocktail Party. Thank goodness, it’s been so long since these assholes have had an excuse to get drunk and cry.

I think the weird thing is that there aren't MORE cocktail parties that are like this.

Brad arrives and asks the girls to greet him with one collective scream. “HOW ARE WE FEELING TONIIIIIIIIIGHT??”

“So, one-two-three. That’s going to be our thing now.” -Shawntel. Wait, what?

Everyone seems shocked that Brad is so obviously into Emily. I am shocked that the girls are not more obviously into Emily, like I am. KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT, EMILY! Also, Brad is not even remotely hiding how much of a front-runner she is. I don’t even know why we’re keeping this charade up, she’s obv taking this thing, right?

It's over.

Man, hearing Emily talk about her daughter just makes me all the more worried about Michelle’s daughter. Do you think Brad and Emily can adopt Michelle’s brat and try to fix her?

“I want this to go smoothly, because I am contractually obligated to want to propose to one of you at the end of all this.” BIIIIIIG SAD FACE.

Rose ceremony. Finally. I still don’t recognize at least 4 of these women. Also, crazy dentist Ashley is totes getting the last rose. Calling it.

Better luck next time, randos! The sad and beautiful thing about the "Bachelor(ette)" franchise is that there probably will be a next time.

…NAILED IT! Way to be predictable, Brad. Ashley H. gets the final rose, and the three women whose names I don’t know get sent home for being too normal.

Redhead 1st grade teacher cries about being sent home and says she’s sure her dad is going to be really proud of her. Really sad we didn’t have more time to explore those daddy issues among the sea of other daddy issues, because I feel like there was some RICH material there.

Next week on the Bachelor: VEGAS! SLUTTY LADIES! FIREWORKS! SHOPPING TRIP! RACING TRIP (ruh roh for Emily)! MORE TEARS! CRAZY MICHELLE! GASPS!

End tag – Brad dances, and I fall even more in love. YOU STOP THIS RIGHT NOW, SHOW.

MARRY MEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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One Response to EYEROLLLLLLLLLL (Or, “The Bachelor: Season 15 (FIFTEEN!), Episode 4)

  1. Sarah says:

    If this blog was ONLY live-blogging of the Bachelor, you could charge for adspace and be thousandaires.

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