Hour 1: Carls Barkley
WELCOME TO HELLLLLLLLLL!
I’m here to hold your hand and comfort you through the first hour of this week’s “The Bachelor.” Let’s get right to it, shall we?
My main squeeze Chris Harrison greets the girls and warns them that things are about to get very serious. How serious, you ask? Serious enough for a 2-on-1 date. 2 on 1s are the best, because it forces the girls to get supes awkward and turn on each other until one rips the other’s throat out (I wish).
Uh oh. Everything is about to change. The hoes are leaving LA to go to Vegas.. to find true love. Because OBVIOUSLY if there’s anywhere to find something real, it’s in Vegas.
Bachelorettes blair witch project their trip from the limo to the plane. Despite the shaky cam, literally NOTHING interesting happens. Michelle wants more room for luggage? Please, just kill me.
Brad greets the women, who seem genuinely surprised to see him there. Who did they think they were going to see? Cue the fairy tale music as the women get out of the limo and wait in line for their turn to jump into Brad’s arms. Barf.
First date card! It’s a one-on-one with… SHAWNTEL! “Let’s end tonight with a bang.” Ew, Brad. Oh no… I made the same joke as all the girls. Sad face.
Shawntel jumps into Brad’s arms because that’s their thing that they invented that one time. Today’s date is a…shopping spree? Which is every girl’s dream? Does that sound absolutely horrible to anyone else?
Shawntel keeps talking about how natural she feels with Brad. I am slightly less convinced of said naturalness, given that this claim is the voice-over to a dress-up montage that would put any DCOM (Disney Channel Original… oh shut up) to shame. She does realize that they’re not actually spending real money, right? Like, life with Brad probably won’t involve walking around with an unlimited budget buying things well he claps and giggles. “I didn’t know that Shawntel was so stylish!” Brad squeals. Relax.
After some primping/bragging, Shawntel gets picked up for the rest of her date with Brad. She’s very nervous tell Brad that she’s a funeral director, which… fair. Brad listens to Shawntel describe removing blood from dead body. The word “leakages” happens more than once. Also orifices? Oh my god, this is horrible. Brad is so cute as he tries to pretend to be super interested in how exactly the “vein drain” works. You know what’s weird though? I’m finding this entire exchange sort of disgustingly endearing. Brad is having such a hard time holding it together, and Shawntel is so obviously into her job-weird though it may be-that I can’t help rooting for these two crazy kids.
The women downstairs hear the fireworks and desperately try to smash their faces against the windows so they can be a part of it. LOLZ. Shawntel and Brad make out some more. Yawn.
DATE CARD! And it’s time for the group date. This means something because it determines who is going on the 2-on-1 gladiator fight to the death date. And its Ashley vs. Ashley! And apparently their besties? Niiiiiiiiiiice.
OF COURSE, the group date is nascar racing, because we haven’t had to relive Emily’s racer hubby’s untimely death in like… a minute. Don’t get me wrong, I love Em as much as anyone, but really? I think I’m ready for a break. I DON’T HAVE ANY MORE TEARS TO GIVE YOU, EMILY!
Brad does, though. He takes her aside to see what’s wrong. We’re treated to the thousandth re-telling of Emily’s sad, sad story. To his credit, Brad does actually look sidelined by the revelation. He confessionalizes something that I can’t recap for you here because I was too distracted by his chest. SUE ME.
After Emily overcomes her past and drives the car to swelling “Love Actually” style music, it’s time for a hot tub party, NATCH. The girls are all really pissed that Brad keeps giving Emily attention.
“We all have problems, we all have issues, we’ve all been through things. Just because someone came in with the worst story, they get the most attention?” -Alli
NEWAYZZZ – Despite the haters, Brad (and the world) hearts Emily, because she’s the cat’s pajamas and the bees knees and all that jazz.
Chantal drunkenly says she loves Brad and then tries to take it back. Rather than responding like a normal human and leaving a Brad-shaped hole in the wall, he continues to comfort her–even as she manically describes her highs and lows with the craziest crazy eyes I’ve seen since Michelle was on my screen last.
This is the longest post-racecar driving-hot tub cocktail party in the history of the world. I don’t even know who I was when this started. Emily gets the rose, no one in the world is surprised. GET ME OUTTA HEREEEEEE.
Hour 2: Sarah’s last stand 😦 😦 😦
Please, don’t call me a hero. Right now, it’s almost midnight and I slipped on ice and fell twice on the sidewalk walking home. All so I could fill you in on the second hour of “The Bachelor.” I just did what any ordinary citizen would do. Please. Save your applause till the end.
Okay. So Brad is taking both Ashleys on this next date, because there are too many Ashleys and this way he’s obligated to get rid of at least one. Or, because he claims that while he loves them both, and has made out with each of them extensively (let it never be said Brad doesn’t do his homework) he has serious doubts about who to wife. It’s okay, Brad. Be honest — tell America that you simply can’t choose among the 10 ladies you’re dating. America will understand, just like they understood when you didn’t pick anyo—ah, I see your concern.
The date involves Brad, Ashley H and Ashley S being choreographed to run around a stage (I’m not being facetious, they’re literally just running) by someone who’s loosely affiliated with the Cirque du Soleil “Elvis” show. Like all normal dates in the real world, this one will end with one lady being sent to Siberia (home) for not opening up (her mouth, for a vintage Brad Womack makeout sesh).
Back at the hotel, Chantal/Shawntel are listing some of the endless possible outcomes of the Ashley date. Which is weird, since I only see two. They’re basically filling Harrison’s role, since apparently he can’t be bothered these days. COME BACK HARRISON!
After “rehearsal,” the evil casting director makes Brad PICK HIS OWN LEADING LADY! AAAAAHHH! The other one will be sent home post haste. Related: the show they’re about to ruin tonight looks pretty cool!
Brad prepares to dump one of the Ashleys over dinner. Aaaaaand game changer!!!!! I totes thought it would be Ashley H who left! BR-AD!!!
Holy moses, Ashley S is SOBBING. Poor girl. She says, through her tears, “I’ve been with certain guys who blah blah blah—” but the way she said it made me think she was going to say “I’ve been with sooooo many guys—” which, LOL.
In the meantime, it seems like Ashley H can barely keep from screaming “VICTORY!!!” but she settles for blabbing about how special her connection with Brad feels instead. You and TEN OTHER WOMEN, honey bunch of oats. You WENT TO COLLEGE. WHY CAN’T YOU COUNT.
Oof, the music from the Cirque du Soleil show (“Are You Lonesome Tonight?”) brings us back to Ashley S crying in the limo. OUCH, SHOW.
Back at the hotel, Brad says that he can tell that the other girls are getting more invested, due to all the sobbing that is constantly ruining his makeout seshes. He claims that ordinarily, he’d back off and not open up in order not to hurt them, but Therapist Jamie has now given him the freedom to hurt EVERYONE on his vision quest for a wifey. “Your loyalty is not to the girls, it’s to the mission” Therapist Jamie says, like he’s Winston Effing Churchill.
Therapist Jamie tells Brad (on his cellie, which made me LOL for some reason) that strength and vulnerability can coexist. But none of this makes sense! Brad is not taking on anywhere NEAR the emotional risk that any of the ladeez are by being on this show (public shaming from America re: the first time around notwithstanding). He’s not exactly “vulnerable” if he’s choosing which 10 women to date and just kicking the other ones out of the Bachelor mansion, with Harrison as his personal cheerleader. He’s not a hero, Therapist Jamie, is what I’m saying.
Brad comes to the Spinster Suite to check in on the ladies’ feelings. Not to split hairs, but that’s supposed to be HARRISON’S JOB!
Alone time: Chantal uses it to call out Brad for paying extra attention to Emily during her racetrack meltdown. Chantal. Her racecar driving husband DIED. And Brad’s paying her extra attention because he LIKES HER MORE THAN YOU. THAN ALL OF YOU!!!! PAY ATTENTION! Brad tells her to stop being such a wench and giving him so much crap. For reals, that’s what he tells her.
NOOOOOOOOO, this is a FEELINGS cocktail party!
Ah, Michelle! There you are! Michelle takes Brad into a room, shuts the door and MURDERS HIM! JKJKJKJKJKJK. But she does stroke his face for a while as he sits there looking TERRIFIED. Or…turned on? Both? Yuck, Brad.
Michelle gnaws on his face for a while (sorry), tells him to eliminate/kill all the other girls, then grants him his freedom. Typical. Althoouuuugh: “And the next time we’re together, you can TALK” as a parting shot kind of ruled? Like, I was totally delighted by that? What…have I become?
Then, immediately afterward Michelle is like “WE’RE ENGAGED” which makes me think she’s outta here.
HARRISON! Nice of you to show up. Just kidding, I didn’t mean it. I just love you. Let’s hang out more, that’s all I’m saying.
“This is such a small group, you guys,” says a girl whose name I can’t remember because Brad is still dating SO MANY GIRLS, as she looks around at AN ENTIRE ROOM FILLED WITH LADEEZ.
Rose ceremony! Harrison’s all “I know you all had a great week in Vegas, but I also know it was super emotional.” Like he was actually around. Like he wasn’t playing the nickel slots and seeing Celine’s show over and over. HARRISON!
Bloodbath time: whoa, Michelle gets the FIRST ROSE! I knew Brad was a masochist, but damn! Get Therapist Jamie in here! Britt gets a rose, despite maybe not existing at all. Seriously, I have not seen her since the time 30 years ago when she was macking on Brad and got interrupted by Ashley H. If she’s not attached to his mouth she doesn’t exist. She’s Schrödinger’s Britt. Perfect analogy.
Aaaand Brad sends home two brunettes who I have never seen before in my life. Okay, ONE of them I recognize, but I don’t think that Lisa (if that is in fact her real name) EVER said a word to Brad. “Marissa” says she “left everything behind” to find love. Someone check her house for dead bodies. At least dead pets.
Next week: Michelle straddles Brad on the beach and makes out with him while the rest of the girls watch. Sounds about right.