What if the big season finale reveal is that it was Brad’s twin bro THE WHOLE TIME? Or, “The Bachelor”: Season 15, Episode 6

Hour 1 — Sarah’s at the helm

Tonight — I forgot these idiots were taking this show on the road. Costa Ricaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

"I just really want some alone time with Brad this week." — Michelle

“I need to make sure I’m in his head as much as possible,” Michelle interviews. Cool, sounds like love to me!

Right away, we’re treated to a classic “Bachelor” filming device, in which Brad recaps the season in voiceover, over footage of himself wandering around staring pensively at…the outer wall of the hotel? No Brad, it’s supposed to be when you’re walking next the ocean! Or while you’re in the shower! You’re doing it wrong!

This is where I get all my best thinking done too!

The girls get to the hotel and gawk at an adjacent steaming, rumbling volcano called Mount St. Michelle. jkjk. But I do hope the editors take every opportunity to give us classic “Bachelor” shots of the exploding volcano as a metaphor for intercourse on the one-on-one dates. I know they won’t disappoint me.

Michelle's crazy filled the air and made Chantal cry. Well, that and the alcohol. Michelle's an onion (also because of the LAYERS of crazy)!

Chantal O. gets a second one-on-one date, which is “Bachelor”-speak for “I’m very committed to the idea of us boning at some point.” Michelle hopes that Chantal will be attacked before she has a chance to go on the date, by either “monkeys or apes.”  Remember, she is a parent. Chantal is concerned that after she got so drunk emotional in Vegas, she’s ruined her chances with Brad. We will SEEEEE!

Cut to: a helicopter waiting to take the two of them on their date. Chantal loses it like she’s never seen “The Bachelor” before. Or she’s had a lobotomy and forgotten they took a helicopter to the Catalinas (I haven’t. NEVER FORGET). I mean, this is standard! This is the “Bachelor” equivalent of a dude taking you to a restaurant on the handlebars of his bike.

It's what the people want.

Brad says that while he ♥s Chantal O, sort of, he has also glimpsed a different (read: drunk) side of her, a side that hints at the crazy buried within. You’d think if he can detect it in her he’d be prepared to throw Michelle into a volcano like the rest of us.

Chantal and Brad have reached their destination and are ziplining in the rain. Chantal thinks this is the coolest thing ever. Brad is like “No tears, so I’m good!”

Back at the hotel, Alli is PISSED that she hasn’t yet gotten a one-on-one date. But wait! There’s a group date card! She figures out she’s the other one-on-one when her name isn’t included. All the girls are like “Oh my godddDDDD, Alliiiiiii, congratulationssssss” like this doesn’t mean she’s going to try to make out with the same dude over whom they’re all constantly crying.

Not pictured: Harrison by the infinity pool, sipping a mai tai and cracking open a Birkin bag filled with cocaine.

There’s a LOT of rain in Costa Rica, and the “Bachelor” team can’t be bothered to check the weather report, so Brad and Chantal’s picnic gets ruined. They take refuge in a hotel suite together — oh my god, that was the plan THE WHOLE TIME! I salute you, “The Bachelor.”

At the hotel, Michelle is pleased that the rain is “ruining” the date, but it’s actually causing Chantal to change into one of Brad’s shirts and snuggle with him. Brad marvels, “This could happen every night!” THEN QUIT THE SHOW AND BE TOGETHER! OH, YOU’D LIKE TO KEEP DATING FIVE OTHER PEOPLE? Carry on.

Chantal O. tells Brad she’s in love with him, and then tells the camera that she “felt his love,” which is going to have to suffice, given that he never says it back to her.

The next morning, we learn that Chantal came back to the hotel wearing Brad’s shirt as a MESSAGE to all the ladies. Chantal, you little pot-stirrer. On to the group date: today they will all be rappelling down a water fall. Ooh, Michelle is going to be so mad!

Right on target: Michelle is upset that Brad “broke” their “pact” to never rappel down anything else with anyone else. In the normal world, this would be an easy promise to keep, but this is “The Bachelor.” I like to think the producers arranged it specifically to turn Michelle into this:

They know what I like.

Jackie’s afraid of heights, and Michelle says it makes her angry to see Brad be nice to other people. Then she starts trying to fistfight with him. Brad tells her he is actually going to uphold their pact, because they’ll be going down together. Into the volcano? No? Damn it! Immediately, Michelle starts jumping up and down with glee. Like a total sociopath.

“I really don’t care if the other girls are jealous that I got to rappel down with Brad,” she tells the camera. “I really don’t…care.” Michelle. We KNOW you’re an asshole. No need to tire yourself out proving it to us OVER AND OVER.

This is just how men dating several women in Costa Rica get down. A centuries-old warrior tradition. The people of Costa Rica must be so very proud.

Ahhhh, a cocktail party in some Costa Rican hot springs — a perennial “Bachelor” favorite! I looooove hot springs cocktail parties because everyone drinks the same (huge) amount of alcohol, but everyone gets exponentially drunker. Things are about to get real up in here.

But before they do: back at the hotel, Alli gets a date card that reads “Meet me at the altar”, and interviews that she thinks this means she’s getting married. She really seems to believe this. Then she wanders into the house, only to find a giant beetle hanging out on the coffee table. This would also gross me out, but Alli starts screaming and throwing glasses of wine all over the place. Never one to avoid the dramz, Chantal picks the bug up on a piece of paper and starts waving it at her.

The Loch Ness Michellllle!

Back at the hot springs, Michelle and Brad perk up their ears at the screams, but aren’t concerned enough to abort their H2H. Michelle starts getting extra controlling and weird and tells him “These girls all need to leave right now.” Brad is like woman, relax, but we all know Michelle is not going to relax. She starts trying to swallow his face instead.

And before we know it (jk, felt like a frillion years), it’s time to give out the group date rose. In a shocking twist, Brad does not give out a rose at all! Yes! And now he is lecturing them like he’s their dad. “You’ll get a rose after you think about what you’ve done.” No, really, he’s actually lecturing them right now. “Bravery”? DOESN’T GET A ROSE. ” A life-changing experience”? DON’T EXPECT ROSES! Next thing you know, Brad is going to tell them “I’m not here to make friends”!!!! Michelle has a problem with this turn of events, OBVIOUSLY. She tells us, “If he can’t make a decision, I’ll be forced to take matters into my own hands.” Nothing sexier than a control freak/sociopathic nutcase who, lest we forget, is responsible for another human life!

Hour 2 – Oh haaaaaaaaaaay. It’s Carly.

We return from break to hear Alli say she wants to come back with the glow that the other women have come back from their one on one dates with. Gross, Alli.

Brad shows up on horseback with a pony for Alli, becuase she’s a lady and ladies can’t handle normal sized horses. There’s also two little baby horses? Colt? Foal? (Shut up, I’m not a scientist) following them around with no explanation. COOL!

Normal!

Brad, I love you, but you need to stop calling these girls “babe.”

For their date, Brad and Alli will be going into a 40 million year old cave. Wonder if there will be any creepy crawly creatures in this cave? Seems pretty unlikely, Alli’s going to have a sweet time.

Still from "The Bachelor"

OH NO! Giant spider! OH NOER! Huge swarm of bats! Brad says that he will protect her. Because, though I am not a scientist who has any knowledge of how to tame 500 bats, Brad apparently is. They manage to make it to their end destination, where they can have a romantic picnic with battery powered candles.

So apparently, The Bachelor has a new partnership with Jared Jewelers. This means that during a commercial break some shmuck talks about his lady and then proposes… to the camera? Not actually to her. ROMANTIC! Bet that camera guy was totally welling up. “YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!”

Aaaand we’re back at the hot springs for dinner. Alli gets suuuuupes awkward. The conversation is making me itch it’s so uncomfortable. OY. I can’t even make fun of this, it’s too sad.

Brad tries to elicit a conversation by asking about Alli’s last relationship. She describes how she totally dug the dude but something just never clicked re: picturing him as her hubby. It’s so sad because you can see as she’s describing this that Brad is having that same epiphany about her. Sorry Alli!

He says as much and tells her it’s a no for the rose, and she immediately starts crying. Brad says he hates making women cry — BOLD STATEMENT, BRAD!

Brad takes the rose back to his room and goes to hang off the balcony and put on his best thousand-yard stare, as you do. Of course, just at the moment when he says he needs some alone time, Hurricane Michelle rolls in to ruin lives.

Perfect.

“Hola,” Michelle says, coyly. BUM BUM BLACK SCREEN. LOLOLOL. “Bachelor” editors are so good at their jobs.

Michelle invites herself inside and immediately wraps herself around him and tells him how much she misses him when they’re not together. They make out REALLY DISGUSTINGLY for like 500 years as the soft core porn music plays. EWWWW PLEASE STOP PLEASE NOW.

Michelle continues to lecture Brad on who he should be sending home. She wants to give him lots more information about all the women. Which apparently means listing who is going to go home and in what order? This is so dumb. Get out of my apartment, Michelle. You’re ruining this for me.

Brad says he feels like he is being pulled “literally in a million different directions.” I’m not sure Brad knows what literally means.

Cocktail party! At 9:27? Ugh this is going to be tedious. Let’s prepare ourselves by taking a little journey to sidebar land. Did you know Brad has a brother? And that they’re really good at taking pictures together and looking super comfortable?

LOLZ.

Well, that was fun. Back to this nightmare.

Emily and Brad get one-on-one time and continue to be adorbz. She’s in this amazing dress and looking supah-bomb. Chantal, on the other hand, is in a weird, unflattering cheetah print dress. It appears not all of the women are handling the humidity with Emily’s grace.

Brad speaks for the world as he talks to Michelle: “You’re scaring me. You’re scaring me badly.” THEN CUT HER LOOSE! Seriously, producers — how long are we going to let this craziness play out? Like, she’s pretty I guess? But so are the others! Let Chantal’s giant boobs and Emily’s perfect hair comfort you. IT’S FINE.

Now Michelle is just crying about how much she loves him, and of course Brad is buying it because despite being a scientist of bats, he is not a scientist of COMMON SENSE.

“I’m not really good at hiding my feelings.” – Michelle, in the understatement of the century.

Shawntel invites Brad to play the “quiet” game. Where you can do anything, but you can’t talk. They stare at each other for like 15 seconds and Brad looks so so so uncomfortable, and then she makes out with him for a while, then they stare some more and she tells him he wins. You know, normal adult date stuff.

Speaking of being adults, the girls all jump on Michelle because she got mad at Brad about not giving anyone a rose, and then didn’t tell the ladiez that she was mad. Michelle is absolutely the craziest, but I don’t really see how that was something that needed to be shared with the group. Ooooh but now the group knows that Michelle went to Brad’s secretly. UNCOMFY TOWN!

OoooOOOoooh no. Chantal is telling Brad that she loves him. Not in the process, not falling, actually there. Present tense. Just in case anyone is not keeping up with things, she’s been on like 6 dates with this guy. At least 4 of which involved several other women. Definitely love. Very accurate portrayal of the human condition.

Crime shows for the win! Also, Nathan Fillion, you come here to me.

It’s 9:54 and we haven’t started the rose ceremony yet. If “The Bachelor” cuts into my time with Richard Castle I’m going to start breaking things.

FINALYYYYY. Five roses to hand out. One heart to break. Thanks for the recap, Harrison. Always a pleasure to spend 10-15 seconds with you.

Ashley gets the first rose. I forgot she was still here. Whoops. Emily, obv. Brit gets the next one, which means that Jackie is going home, because you know we’re not done dealing with Michelle’s horribleness. After a rose for my favorite funeral director, Harrison comes out to tell Michelle and Jackie that this is the final rose. Always working hard, that Harrison.

Aaaand of course it goes to Michelle. Sorry, Jackie! It’s too bad, because she seems to be one of the few nice, normal girls on the show. YOU DESERVE BETTER, JACKIE! I’m rooting for you. Please don’t embarrass yourself in this limo ride.

Not bad! She cries a little, but mostly comes off as a reasonable girl who doesn’t love being rejected.

Smell ya later!

Next week, the remaining brats are going to a gorgeous, Caribbean island, because they are all great people who deserve a paid vacation in an exotic locale. Brad tells the girls they’re going to Anguilla, and they all scream like they have any idea where/what that actually is. Looks like it’s going to be a change of pace next week. This time, the girls will all cry and be unsure about the status of their relationship. It should be really interestingggggggggg. Sorry, I just died a little.

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