February Is Open Letter Month: A letter to the Brooklyn children who love to hit on me

Well, folks, it’s Valentine’s day. What will I be doing, you ask? I, naturally, will be watching “The Bachelor” and drinking beer with my blended family (Sarah and the dogs–relax Moms). It’s not like I can complain about it, though. Had I made some different choices this weekend, I could have been a part of some very exciting May/DecemBieber relationships.

In honor of this month of love, Sarah and I would like to take the opportunity to directly address some people in our lives, open letter style. To begin, I’d like to pen a few words to the ones who got away.

Just two people sharing a candid moment after reading advanced copies of the open letters below. Celebrating V-Day the normal way.


Dear 12-year-old corner deli employee,

I’m very sorry I wasn’t more receptive to your advances this weekend. You have to understand, I was in a dark place. I had just witnessed our broken corkskrew fail to remove the cork in our only bottle of wine. I left my apartment to the sad sight of Sarah employing scissors and a screwdriver to wage a seemingly unwinnable battle.

That being said, I really should have reacted better when you casually leaned against the counter and attempted to charm me. You really nailed the A.C. Slater* lean, and I realize now that I could have been more open when tilted your chin and said, “Hey… Have a really good night.” I should have given you the time of day then, and especially when you followed me out to further implore me to have a pleasant tomorrow.

It’s bad enough that your dad tries to charge me $6 for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s; It was never going to work between us. I hope you understand, and that it isn’t awkward when you start your freshman year at the high school across from my apartment.**



*He’s a character from a sitcom from before you were born. Don’t worry about it.

**You can disregard all of this should you get your hands on a pair of tickets to the Bishop Ford HS Doo Wop Spectacular. CALL ME!


Dear apprenticing cat-caller,

Thank you for your kind words today. Hearing your compliment (?) really brightened my afternoon. I’ll never forget the way you said, “Heyyyy pretty……. this weather isn’t good……. but…. you…..are?”  You made me remember that there are people in this city who truly get me.




Dear Justin Bieber look-alike,

I’ll miss you most of all. Thank you for taking the time to make eyes at me on the train. I’m so glad we could bond over how immature and silly your friends were acting. Not like us, Bieber look-alike. I only wish that when you decided to sit on your skateboard on the floor of the train, instead of in one of the many open seats, you would have rolled into my arms instead of simply falling off.

Keep up the good work,


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