Hour 1: BABY GOOOOOOOATS! And other things.
Oh haaaay! It’s Carly. Before we begin I want to warn you guys that I’ve really been getting into using the science of Paint to doctor photos. Not that you’ll be able to tell or anything.
Tonight… on the Bachelor–Brad takes the women on a tasteful group date where they take their clothes off and roll on a beach. CAN’T WAIT! Also other stuff, I guess.
The remaining brats hop off their speed boat and frolic through the sand toward their ridiculously lavish hotel.
“It’s just like Baywatch!” Ashley says. No, it’s not.
Harrison postpones his day of… doing whatever Chris Harrison does with his piles and piles of money to tell the women there are going to be 3 one on one dates, and one “pretty incredible” group date. Relax, Harrison.
The first date card comes and it’s for.. EMILY! Yay!
Brad greets her and they hang outside talking about what might be happening on the date. A helicopter comes and Brad acts like he did something amazing while Emily gasps in excitement. You guys. Helicopters happen every date. When can we stop acting surprised to see them? At this point I’m more surprised when Harrison shows up than I am when there’s a helicopter.
Brad takes Emily to their own private island to talk about his feelings and wonders why he continues to feel tense around her. He tells her he’s nervous and doesn’t know why, and she says she feels the same. Per usual, in “The Bachelor” all it takes is the girl being like “me too!” for Brad to be like “PHEW GLAD WE DODGED THAT BULLET! So….Macktown?”
Back at the house, the remaining gals are gossiping about what might be happening on Emily’s date when the next date card comes. It’s for funeral director Shawntel. She says she’s going to not worry about the other girls so she can avoid going crazy like the other women. Smart lady, that Shawntel. Which probably means she’s not long for this show.
Back on the date! Beachside dinner. Emily, again, has the best dress on and looks generally amazing. Brad wants to know if he’s going to be able to meet her daughter if he goes home with her, because – OH YEAH – next week are the hometown dates. Emily, naturally, has apprehensions about introducing her daughter to a dude she just met which…. YEAH. She says she just wants to avoid confusing her in any way. And again, YEAH. Brad, however, is like “BUT I WANNAAA!”
And just when I start to feel like maybe I don’t love Brad as much as I used to, he gives this great speech about how he doesn’t want her to stress and he doesn’t care about the rules so he’s going to tell her ahead of time that she’s getting a rose.. AWWWWs all around.
Back from break, it’s time for funeral director Shawntel’s one on one. She meets Brad and they go on a bike ride. He takes her to somewhere where they can really take it to the next level.
Which is, it turns out, a farmers market? GET SERIOUS, YOU TWO! They jump rope? and drink from a coconut? and dance with the locals? What part of this is “taking things to the next level?”
Oh wait, here it is. They’re talking to an old local woman who gives them some advice which includes holding hands, kissing sometimes, and telling their parents before they get married. Good stuff, lady.
And now they’re having a picnic, and there are baby goats. UMMMMM. Did you guys know that baby goats are the cutest ever?? Because I DIDN’T! But really! Hang on, let me get something for you…
RIGHT?? You’re welcome. Hope that’s not what’s for dinner, AMIRITE?
It’s food time, and you know that hot tubs are in the near future because you can see Shawntel’s sequined bikini top through her dress. CLASSY!
Tonight’s dinner topic is family.. Brad’s not close to his father.. Shawntel is… YAWNNNN.
Now, for Shawntel’s surprise, some guy named “Bankie Banx” is going to give them a concert. Not a private one, because that’s not how the Banx rolls. He comes in with 50+ randos, who are all awkwardly milling around while Brad and Shawntel make out. You know Bankie regularly watches The Bachelor and was like “You will not do to me what you did to Train!”
The gruesome twosome run away to jump in the water and make out some more. Shawntel, as it turns out, has a MASSIVE tramp stamp. Oh, Shawntel.
Now it’s one-on-one time with Britt! Wow, we’re really moving along here, aren’t we?
The other ladiez watch as Brad and Britt swim out to an awesome yacht. Michelle bitches for a while in a confessional, and the Bachelor editors continue to rock it as they cut to an eagle squawking as it dives into the water to kill something. Nailed it.
B&B are cliff diving. Britt’s scared. I’m bored. He talks her into jumping. Snooozeeeeeee.
Now they’re sitting on the beach talking about love, or something. She’s so pretty, but so boring. Speaking of, did you know that shy little Britt was once featured in the always classy Tempe 12? LOL.
Dinner time back on the yacht. They talk for a while, or whatever. Brad’s not into it, and tells her as much. He doesn’t have a rose, but still wants to kick her out. She tries to convince him that they just need more time, but he’s not going for it and tells her to go. And then she doesn’t know which way to go, and Brad tells her to watch her step like 10 times, and it’s all VERY comfortable.
Hour 2 – Bikini photo shoot of my nightmares!!!
But before we get to the swimsuit action, we see Brad sneaking into the ladies’ villa with a flashlight at 2 in the morning, like he’s on an episode of “To Catch A Predator.” Almost too good at sneaking around. He tells the girls they only have 10 minutes to get ready. This IS a nightmare!
Michelle has somehow found the time to put curlers in her hair that make her look like the Duchess of Scarytown. Brad leads the girls to a suite, where a blonde woman who claims to be affiliated with Sports Illustrated is waiting for them. She informs them that they’ll be participating in a photo shoot. And not just any photo shoot — a shoot for the SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE! The Superbowl of cheesecake photography! Man, I remember my first photo shoot date like it was yesterd—oh waaaaaait, I’ve actually never been on a date that involved a camera crew! How weird! Isn’t that so weird?
Brad sips a mimosa in his v-neck tee (looking good, Brad!) while the women run around half-clothed, trying on various swimsuits and screaming things at each other about their body issues. I cannot imagine a better way for 4 people to fall in love! Wait, what?
The shoot has barely begun before the alleged photographers have convinced Ashley H. to take her top off and be photographed with only shells covering her breasts in some kind of..cabana? Has anyone checked these people’s credentials? (You know Harrison was like “I’m on vacay, I didn’t even know Brad was going to BE here!”)
Chantal’s up next and the photographers are immediately like “BOOBS!” so she whips ’em out and Brad gets uncomfortable about all the sexiness happening everywhere. This isn’t like the sexy photo shoots he used to do at church camp! (What? Gross, Sarah. This show is making me gross.) He stands awkwardly on the beach in his all-white outfit, puzzling over these new and exciting feelings.
“I have done a little modeling in my life,” Michelle tells the camera slyly (she must mean like 25 years ago, because woof sun damage), before she assaults rad on the beach. What’s that movie where they’re kissing at the shoreline? “From Here To Eternity”! This is just like that, except upsetting. “Beeeeautiful,” the photographer whispers, watching them make out, coated in sand. This is making me uncomfortable. I mean, are dudes even allowed to be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue? Will they crop Brad out and make it look like Michelle is straddling a ghost?
Meanwhile: ladeez be jealous. Brad picks up on the tension. “I’m feeling nervous about the pool party.” ME TOO, BRAD! Normally things on “The Bachelor” don’t get take this much of adult turn until the overnight dates! Speaking of adults, I need one. I feel very sad.
“Today has been absolute hell,” Brad narrates. Oh Brad, always in hell. And who wouldn’t be? You’re only taking 5 other women on a series of tropical vacays on the show’s dime, with the full blessing of your therapist to break their hearts!
Michelle takes Brad aside to a terrace, where her black eyes can bore into his soul while the other girls watch from below. Brad is afraid they’re too much alike. Michelle says she is 100% meant to be on this island,
murdering people trying to coerce Brad into a proposal.
“Like, I am the first person to admit I’m wrong,” Michelle lies. If that were true we would have all received apologies by now! Body language expert Chantal feels like Brad is “closed off” when he’s with her, Ashley H and Michelle. What does it all mean?!
Brad feels bad that everyone is so upset. Real talk: Brad seems to be the first bachelor who feels truly sympathetic about the weirdness of the whole bachelor setup, and who actually bothers to comment on it outside of the “I KNOWWWW IT’S SO WEIRD THAT WE’RE ON THIS SHOW, RIGHT? BUT LET’S MAKE OUT” thing all the bachelor/ettes usually do to endear themselves to the contestants. He doesn’t always do it, but he tries. The point is, I’ve never gotten this far into a season and still liked the bachelor/ette. BRAD IS MAGIC!!!
“This pool party is beyond difficult.” All right, don’t push it, Brad. You’re still getting to shop for a wifey in a tropical paradise. (It still counts as paradise, even if Michelle is there. I saw how blue that water was! Those are the rules!)
“It’s been one of the longest, most brutal days of my life,” Brad says over b-roll of the hotel pool.
At the end of it all, Ashley H gets the rose for the group date, for being the most…insecure of the remaining women? The craziest? That can’t be right, since Chantal has been off her rocker since they got to Anguilla. She starts bawling in front of Ashley, who then has to take the time to comfort her. “Sorry I’m still dating the guy you’re in love with.” “It’s okay, I understand.”
What? This makes no sense! Why are we letting people do this? This show IS brutal. You’re right, Brad! Rage against the machine! Even though you became part of the machine willingly! Twice! Call me!
Brad tries to reassure Chantal that she’s special, and he allllmost pulls it off. Unfortunately, since she’s still able to see two of the four other women he’s dating lurking just out of the frame, Chantal realizes she’s fighting a losing battle and bounces. It would be so awesome if she dived off the nearest cliff like Bella in “Twilight” (who said that?), but instead she walks slowly along the shoreline, almost falling over at one point, so drunk and sad is she. Good Lord, Chantal. Call your mother.
Overheard in our apartment:
Sarah: Is it elimination time?
Carly: Yes – no wait, cocktail party.
Sarah and Carly: UGHGHGHGH!
Finally, FINALLY: a private island in Anguilla was enough to persuade Harrison to fulfill his contractual obligation to recap the show with Brad at the 1 hour, 50 minute mark. It’s TRADITION. So, what do we learn? Brad has decided to skip the cocktail party! “Gonna respect your wishes. No cocktail party tonight,” Harrison says solemnly. This is serious. And it’s fortuitous timing, since sticking around for the cocktail party would have effed up Harrison’s tee time.
“Chris Harrison!” The ladies are as surprised as I. Harrison is like “There are two tiny hookers and an 8 ball of coke hidden inside my suit. Also, there are only 3 roses on this silver tray. Smell you later.”
Brad stares pensively at the ocean. He stares and stares, wondering which woman to chloroform and throw into a lagoon with Harrison first.
ELIMINATION TIME. I’m going to cut to the chase:
MICHELLE GOES HOME! MICHELLE GOES HOME!
Brad’s relief at no longer having to follow the producers’ instructions to keep her is palpable. Harrison pops up again to serve as the muscle and nervously tells Michelle that she has to leave. Michelle is like “I threw my passport into the ocean last night, I’m not going anywhere!”
Limo Cam: Michelle lies down on the seat and stares into the middle distance, looking like her batteries have finally run out of juice. Her refusal to cry about her public dumping on camera is kind of awesome. I mean, it mostly makes her seem like she’s mentally ill, but what hasn’t so far? I’ll take it.
Next week: Brad pretends that he’s equally interested in marrying 4 different women! I know if I was one of their moms I could not possibly be more proud. And Shawntel takes Brad to the morgue! WILL HE LEAVE IT ALIIIIIIVE?