Hour 1 – Sarah
Oh my god. I’m so tired. And hearing Harrison intone “Tonight. On. ‘The Bachelor'” + all the screaming made me feel like there was a fist around my heart. Let’s do this.
NYC!!!!!!!!!!! Shout out? (Love you too, Harrison!) We get establishing shots of Brad in his hotel room. Nice newsboy cap, Brad. Nice pensive gaze into the middle distance from the balcony, Brad. Nice shot of you looking unsure about your destiny in the rain, Brad. Your eyes are so blue!
Brad recaps all the girls he’s dating for us. While it’s funny that
he thinks the producers think people watching the show would need a refresher course, it sort of makes sense once we are reminded that he’s still dating FOUR WOMEN. And that he expects us to believe he’s serious about marrying ALL OF THEM.
So, Brad’s recap: Chantal is a drunk crazy person. Ashley is a paranoid jerk. Shawntel is normal but her one true love is DEATH. Emily is a tragic, beautiful Barbie doll and a good mom/person.
Solid recap, Brad! It’s like you didn’t need me at all! (But you still need me, right?)
Seattle! Chantal is up first. She tells the camera she doesn’t know how to be alone. This bodes well! “This may be the only chance I get to speak with [my parents] before I’m engaged to [Brad].” Ooh, sounds like the foundation for a lot of good decisions! Chantal and Brad reunite in a park, and I don’t want to cast aspersions on her character, but Chantal is definitely insane. She’s talking 3,000 miles a minute about “fidelity” and “love” and “forever-ness” and “commitment-tude.”
The first thing we see in Chantal’s house is a Furby wearing a sweater. Whoops, it’s just her dog. This is a MONSTER HOUSE! Ooh, her cat is pretty though. (Looks like a certain cat I used to know, the only cat I ever liked — a cat who went by the name of Ben Affleck. Long but 100% true story. We’ll talk about this later.) Chantal cracks open a few brewskis right away, so it’s good to know that she hasn’t used this time at home to take care of her drinking problem. Brad asks if she’s cool with euthanizing any of the pets. Not really, but he is like “So, if you moved to Austin…would you really bring all of them?” Shoot, the dog is actually pretty cute. Don’t kill that one, Brad!
Time to meet the rents! Holy smokes, their house is nice. I forgot Chantal’s “career” is being her dad’s assistant. I think he owns a car dealership? He’s the Buddy Garrity of Seattle! Chantal’s dad is named Michael, and her mom’s name is BILLY JO. Stop it, Chantal’s family.
Chantal’s dad looks like the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch cross-bred with a wax figure of Donny Osmond.
And if you believe in the “What the mom looks like is a sign of what the daughter will look like” axiom, Brad is in for a scary few decades. ‘Course, he’s in for a scary few decades if he marries the other Shawntel too. OH THAT’S RIGHT, CHANTAL’S PARENTS — BRAD’S DATING 2 CH/SHA(W)NTE/A/LS! AREN’T YOU SO PROUD?
Brad and Chantal’s dad swordfight (sorry) over who comes from humbler beginnings. They both have working class backgrounds and are estranged from their fathers. This is getting steamy. Chantal’s dad is like “Where do you want to be when you’re 45-50? Because that was the age when I elected to have all my organs replaced with memory foam!” Also, during this whole sequence they keep walking in and out of different rooms to be alone. First it was a foyer, then a study, now the…wine cellar? Is this where they’re going to Do It?
Then — bromance, interrupted! Time to leave. Brad hugs everyone goodbye. As Snooki would say/has said, “On to the next one!”
Madawaska, Maine: CANADIAN FLAGS!!!!!!! Ooh, it is super pretty there. Take me to Maine, Brad!
Brad and Ashley reunite on some kind of farm property and Ashley’s immediately like “YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE.” Come on, grrrrl. Brad’s irritated that Ashley has trouble staying in love with him when he’s off gallivanting on the other side of the country with a buncha broadz. They hang out in a restaurant and Ashley tells him there are tons of Acadians (exotic name for pseudo-Quebecois) in her town. “Because…we’re close to the border,” Brad says suuuper seriously/proudly. Aw! Ashley introduces him to poutine (basically french fries covered in gravy and onions). Way to co-opt Canada’s, like, 1 cultural export for your gross “Bachelor” ends, Ashley! Meanwhile, I take some time to Google the correct pronunciation of “poutine,” because that’s how fascinating I find Ashley’s repetitive bleating about “disconnectedness.”
Grocery shopping! Brad freaks out about the honors system payment plan (just a wooden box, basically) at the roadside fruit stand. Ashley is screaming about EVERYTHING, including being “on her way to falling in love with Brad.” Ringing endorsement, madamoiselle! But you gotta get more intense if you’re going to compete with Chantal “I drink because I *hic* love you” O’Brien.
Compared to the den of nightmares that was Chantal’s house, Ashley’s family is great! They seem really friendly and fun and her sister is — OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT LOBSTER ON BRAD’S PLATE! IT’S THE SIZE OF CHANTAL’S DOG! Ashley’s dad wants to make sure that Brad will be super supportive of her career. Aww, Ashley’s dad!
“Blah blah blah” parents sister brother “Commitment,” “Real,” “Proposal,” “Meant to be,” “Go through life together,” “Lasting relationship,” “The timing is perfect.” All said and done, I like Ashley a heck of a lot more after meeting her insane, tatted, pseudo-Quebecois careerist fam.
(Also, prediction: Ashley will not be the last woman standing this season. She’ll make top 3 and that’ll be that. But she WILL be the next Bachelorette. See you all this summer when I’m RIGHT.)
Hour 2 – In which Ryan Atwood does not show up because Chico ≠ Chino.
Oh hiii! Carly here. We’re in Chico California to visit Shawntel, who is creepy and who I love — THERE I SAID IT.
Brad talks about how excited he is to see Shawntel, and how much fun they’re going to have. Cue hilarious doomsday organ music. THESE EDITORS ARE KILLING IT.
Please note: I figured out which song they were playing by searching “creepy organ music” in Google. Do you think the editors used that same strategy?? FIRST RESULT, BEEZY! [SEO magic! – Sarah]
We’re in the funeral home, and Brad is Freaking. Out. Shawntel shows him where his ashes will go if they get married. Shawntel. And now she’s showing him the crematory??? SHAWNTEL. Brad is rethinking like…every decision he’s ever made up to this point.
Now Shawntel has Brad lying on the table where all the dead bodies go. She’s walking him through the embalming process by showing him all the tools and simulating what would happen. Brad actually looks like he’s going to vomit. I don’t care what anyone says, I still heart Shawntel.
She takes him to the place where she speaks to the families, and explains why she finds her profession so rewarding. She has a really refreshing view of death and seems like she is really good at her job. Brad still looks like he’s going to vomit/cry/poop his pants. He does not deal with death well, he says. UHDUH. Although, to be fair, putting him on the table and talking about draining his veins was a leeeeeetle much, even if he weren’t an emotionally crippled man-child who has an inappropriate relationship with his hot tub therapist.
And we’re at the rents’ house. I always love seeing the ladiezz get so excited to see their fam. It’s nice to remember they’re real people for a hot minute. Shawntel has 2 sisters who look exactly like her with blonde hair. One’s name is Destiny, so you know things are going well in her life.
Shawntel’s dad talks about how she’s going to take over the business, and Brad is like mmmmmWHAT? And then Shawnny is like “OH BUT MAYBE NOT! I’M IN LURVEEEE!” Now daddy death is guilting her because the people of Chico NEEEED her and if she moves to Austin who will burn the bodies?????? Ultimately, dad gives his blessing for Shawntel to be engaged to Brad for 2 months and appear on the cover of every celeb magazine before breaking up publicly because one/both of them has a secret girl/boyfriend and blah blah blaaaahhhhhh.
They say goodbye and Brad says he’ll miss her and you can already tell she’ll be getting sent home this week. SAD FACE.
Back from break and we’re in Charlotte with Emily. She reunites with her BEAUTIFUL daughter. Oh my god. She is so cute. This is too much. Emily is trying to explain who Brad is and why he’s coming to crash her life. Little Ricki is NOT. HAVING. IT. Emily’s going on about making new friends and how Brad is her new friend and Ricki is like “Ummmm I got some thiiiings….”
Brad shows up and tries to meet Ricki and she is so shy and so not into it. Poor thing. Brad brought her a butterfly kite and she… still won’t acknowledge his existence. This is so sad. Brad is trying so hard and she’s just shutting him down super intensely. He finally talks her into flying the kite, and that seems to loosen things up a little bit. She starts to smile and laugh and is just the CUTEST. You guys. I’m feeling some things.
Emily’s house is SO nice. She has this amazing playroom for Ricki with an awesome life-sized doll house that I would like to have in my house RIGHT NOW. Emily’s such a good mom, you guys. They play a board game and Ricki keeps giggling and I think I need a minute.
Ok. I’m better now. Emily helps Ricki brush her teeth and puts her to bed and tells Brad that she wants him to come say goodnight. Brad is THRILLED at the honor. He tucks her in and gives her a stuffed monkey and I NEED ANOTHER MINUTE.
They’re downstairs now and Brad says he can’t kiss her because her daughter is upstairs? Emily is like derrrWHAT? She makes the excellent point that if they’re going to have a future, there’s always going to be a little girl sleeping upstairs and if that’s going to dampen their sex life then maybe they should re-evaluate because MOMMA’S got NEEDS.
She shows him outside and is like get over yourself and make out with me, so he does and things seem to be back on track. THANK GOD.
We’re back in New York and Harrison is here!!!!!! Wait, Chris Harrison was in the same city as me and I didn’t know? Kill yourself, Harrison. We’re through.
Brad and Chris “I’m on thin ice” Harrison sit down to discuss Brad’s 4 girlfriends surrounded by flowers and candles. You know, normal bro stuff. We go through all the hometown dates AGAIN, because The Bachelor thinks we’re all incapable of retaining anything for longer than like 4 minutes. I mean, we’re watching footage of Brad playing games with Ricki. That actually happened 5 MINUTES AGO.
Harrison goes to welcome the women so Brad can have a minute alone to look at the portraits of his 4 bitchezz and lean dramatically and SIGH.
Rose ceremony! We all know what’s going to happen, and I don’t know about you, but I am PISSED. Also, the ladies are looking really rough, with the exception of Emily, PER USUAL.
Ashley gets the first rose. Understandable, her family ruled. Next up is Emily, because DUH. Now it’s time for Brad to pick the wrong ch/shawnte/a/l. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Ugh. He’s going to marry Chantal, isn’t he. BAD MOVE, BRAD. Did you SEE Billy Jo? Things are going to go downhill so quickly for that trainwreck couple.
Brad takes Shawntel out to say goodbye, and she cries a little and it’s all very sad. She does a good job of keeping her chin up and wishing him well. She gets in the limo and cries that she’s never been treated like that by a man. It’s super sad, but also? That might have been because you were going on ridiculously lavish dates all over the world and you weren’t actually living in real life at all. Just saying.
Brad tells the ladiez that for next week, they’ll be going to South Africa so they can go on their sex dates. SEX DATESSSSSS!
End tag is Brad and Emily making food and being perfect. TEAM EMILY!!!!!
Sarah here, for a final thought. Several “final” “thoughts”, if you catch my meaning: Carly, do you still love her? Better question: can you still love, after watching this? (Thanks Videogum!!! For everything.)
[You know what? I do still love her. CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP! Shawntel, where ever you are, I support you and all of your dreams. You’re not the best actress, but you are TRYING. Which is more than we can say about this bitch.
Sorry, Chantal’s puppy. I didn’t mean it.
Yes, I did. –Carly]