Hour 1: Who cares? “BACHELOR PAD” GOT PICKED UP FOR A SECOND SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Carly here, to escort you through the emotional
roller coaster tug boat ride that is The Bachelor. TONIGHT…these assholes get to go on a safari??? COME ON.
We start out in New York as Brad packs up his hotel room. He’s wearing a shirt, so obviously someone is asleep at the wheel. Lots of introspective garbage about not being “that guy” again. You know, the one who opted to respectfully decline to get engaged to one of two women with whom he saw no future. YEAH! FUCK THAT GUY!
Brad recaps his three remaining hookers AGAIN. Just in case you’re tuning in for the first time, because you know if you’re ever going to get on board with the Bachelor franchise, it’s definitely going to be for the penultimate episode of the FIFTEENTH SEASON. To sum up — Chantal has giant boobs but cries too much. Ashley is perky and cute but asks too many questions. Emily is the best but has a baby and a brain.
Aaaand we’re in South Africa. We get some really
offensive choice Lion King music, so you know things are about to get ETHNIC. Lots of bongo drums over shots of awesome animals who, I’m sure, are absolutely tickled about their new guests.
Sarah makes the excellent point that this entire montage sounds like its been scored by a CD the producers bought for $1.99 from the “World Music” section of a dying Borders.
There’s a sleeping lion. You guys, I have to be honest. I’m shaking with rage. Going on an African safari is literally NUMBER 1 on my list of things I want to accomplish in my life and CHANTAL is doing it FO FREE.
Brad and the undeserving wench are now having a picnic on a rock by some water. Chantal is TERRIFIED of a hippo? KILL YOURSELF. They are drinking champagne, and I can only hope that the lion we saw earlier is waiting just out of shot for his moment to jump on Chantal. The bloodbath will be scored by “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” and that lion is going to eat her and then sip on champagne because he, UNLIKE CHANTAL, deserves a romantic picnic with Brad.
Anyway, they talk about some stuff, or whatever. Brad misses her family, which I believe because Brad totally wanted Chantal’s dad to be his boyfriend.
We’re back from break and their talking again. BOOOOO. I’m trying to reel in my anger but I’m having a hard time. Let’s focus on the positive. Chantal is actually dressed cute for the first time in weeks, so that’s… good? I need more wine. OK. Better. They talk about how much they heart each other, and Chantal wants to get married right now, and I’m wondering why nothing has attacked yet.
Brad breaks out the fantasy date card. BRAD. It’s still light out! Where’s your sense of decency?? Oh god. Their fantasy suite is a tree house.
They’re in the tree house making out. I’ve gone from loving Brad to wanting to watch an animal feast on his flesh in the last 15 minutes. TEAM HYENAS!
We’re back from break. Sarah and I spent the commercials watching clips from The Lion King, so I’m feeling a lot better about this next date.
It’s Emily! They greet each other and Brad says he forgot something and runs away, so clearly she’s in for some stupid surprise that is going to make me seethe with jealousy. OH GOD THEY’RE GOING TO RIDE AN ELEPHANT. Yep. SEETHING. At least Emily is super excited about it and not just being an over dramatic baby like Chantal Ho’Brien.
Brad tells Emily that he missed her and missed her daughter. Emily’s like, uhduh my daughter’s the cutest, while the tiny monkey sharing the frame is like “WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER?” Brad asks if Ricki is going to know what it means if he starts “hanging out all the time.” SUBTLE, BRAD. Emily’s never “done that” (MORE SUBTLETY!) but really wants to. Brad’s like “Sweet, glad we talked, so…. fantasy suite?” JK they need to talk about their feelings more because it’s only like 8:45 and we’ve got 2 whole hours to fill.
Dinner! Emily’s super into him, but also is apprehensive because — OH RIGHT — their date is sandwiched between 2 other SEX DATEZZ with ladies that are not her. Emily says something, which I blacked out during… but Brad is really excited and nervous to “give it to her?” DIRTY!
Fantasy date card, where Chris Harrison personally invites the bachelor to take his date into a shack in the wild and do the nasty. Emily’s pulls a Wronski Feint (HARRY POTTER WHAT!) and is like “I’m a mom!….but also we should talk more! So let’s go talk more in the private room with no cameras!” Before we pan out to suggestive imagery, we see Emily tell Brad that she’s falling in love with him, and Brad says he’s falling in love back???? YOU GUYS HE’S NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT! It’s always like “I’m falling in love with you” and bachelor is like….”Yeeeeeeeahhhhh, about that…” and hopes that mashing his face into hers is enough to distract. THIS IS A GAME CHANGER, YA’LL!
Hour 2 — Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen (fun fact: this song is also in “The Lion King!”)
I’ll be honest with everyone. I spent about half of the first hour (so…a half hour, I’m a genius) googling scenes from “The Lion King,” so I have no idea what’s happening. Luckily, the show’s catalogue of vaguely African-infused background music isn’t even close to being exhausted. I can’t believe 2 out of the 3 dates have already happened! I guess I’m settling in for an entire hour of Ashley crying? Over some b-roll of baby elephants? Give everyone on this show an Emmy!
Brad can’t believe he was just in Maine with Ashley, and now here they are taking their sham relationship to the southern hemisphere! It’s called cultural imperialism, Brad. Look it up.
Oh look, a helicopter! How UNEXPECTED! Since Emily is obviously winning this whole thing, this second hour seems like an exercise in futility (I mean, more than usual). Unless Brad tosses Ashley out of the helicopter I’m going to fall asleep. “I had no idea how big South Africa is,” Brad says verrrrry seriously. Aw! Being with Ashley makes him dumber, I think.
(Sidebar: this ep made us think about how much Suki looks like a lion, so I suggested that Carly rename her “East Dillon.” Then Carly suggested ED for short. EDIE!)
Brad and Ashley are sitting in a field talking about how great her fam was. Brad says he felt really comfortable in Maine – “Maybe too comfortable.” I’m sorry, whaaaa?
(“Your mom was great…………………………………..I slept with her.” Oh, BRAD!)
Brad wants to know if Ashley can “allow herself to live while [she’s] trying to achieve.” WTF kind of pop psych non-question is that? Is Therapist Jamie hiding in the South African bush (LOL, and to be clear, Brad started it) and feeding him lines?
Oh, I see why this episode was so lopsided. It was to make room for A PRESS CONFERENCE FOR “DANCING WITH THE STARS.” Here’s the line-up: Sugar Ray Leonard lost a bet with his agent. Chelsea Kane is allegedly a thing. ROMEO (née Lil). Ralph Macchio, who is sort of a fox now? What.
We’re back and at dinner! Ashley would like Brad to know that while she’s totes into her career, she’s also totes ready to be a wifey. We all know Brad’s vision of family life did not include a wife with goals of her own, so this is clearly going to be an issue. This manifests in Brad being pissed that she doesn’t want to move to Austin. Fight! Fight! Fight!
Brad’s upset that things have deteriorated after their “amazing carnival date,” and that having to have a serious talk about what Ashley is hoping to get out of life is preventing him from getting it in. I’m upset that this episode has deteriorated after Brad was like “Emily, it’s in the bag” a half hour ago. SHUT IT DOWN, Brad.
Ashley accuses Brad of “just wanting a wife.” Oh, shit! Brad counters that he’s not looking for a “perfect situation” but he IS looking for a “perfect situation between two people.” Good distinction! They start talking about the food, a classic “Bachelor” signifier of a looming elimination. Ugh, TV is supposed to love me back! This is supposed to be fun!
Fantasy suite invite! Despite the awful dinner conversation, Ashley’s like “Let’s bang it out.”
Fantasy suite. They kiss for like a second and then talk about the mosquito netting. I have never seen a “Bachelor” sex date that was so dead in the water. Related: there used to be a lot more massage oil/filming people going to Macktown in a bathtub filled with rose petals in seasons past. What happened, guys? Are you saving it all for “Bachelor Pad”? Brad wishes that he could talk to Ashley “like [they] used to talk.” So…three weeks ago?
Next morning: Brad is “so excited” about the elimination. That makes one of us. Time for his recap with Harrison! I wish they did this shirtless, is that weird? And in a hot tub. So, Chantal: drunkard, willing to get down in a tree house. Emily: the best. Ashley: MAN-HATING CAREERIST! Suddenly, a buzzard swoops in and pecks Brad’s eyes out. Harrison catches the buzzard, crushes it with his fist and then eats it. Also apparently I missed the part in the sex dates episode where the Bachelor watches taped messages from each of the women in which they plead with him to marry them. I’m assuming Chantal just showed him her boobs.
Oh, the actual show? Elimination time. “You’ve all experienced things that up till now, you had only dreamed of,” Harrison says. Whoa, did someone lose their vcard?
Brad drags things out further by taking Ashley aside for quality t-i-m-e. He’s using his break-up voice. This isn’t even fun anymore. Do you hear me, “The Bachelor?” YOU BROKE ME. After an eternity of saying nothing at all, they ambiguously break up? Ashley’s already doing the postmortem “I should have tried harder blah blah blah” thing, like she got a bad SAT score or something. But neither of them has officially ended it. END IT! Phew, it’s over. At first I thought it was pretty decent of Brad to do the break up in private. But THEN he gets upset that Ashley’s not upset enough. He’s like “So that’s it?” and she’s like “Well I’m not going to beg you” and he’s like “Why noooooooot?” Brad. This behavior is gross.
Meanwhile, Chantal and Emily are just hanging out off-camera.
Ashley cries in the limo. Aw, it’ll be okay. I know very well what happens to women who prioritize their careers over love on “The Bachelor.” They quit their jobs to be the next “Bachelorette!”
Brad. Terrace. Gazing. Ladies. Waiting. This is ridiculous, and not in a delightful way, in a horrible, awful way. Brad finally tells them what’s going on, and in a surprise twist, gives them BOTH ROSES! I’m wasting my life.
Next week: “The Bachelor: The Women Tell All!” which we will NOT be watching. The NEXT week: Brad picks his
life appearing-on-Us Weekly-covers-together partner! Can’t waaaaaaait!