Book of Revelations: or “The Bachelor” Season 15, SEASON FINALE

Hiiiii. So there’s been some radio silence on our part for the past two weeks. Last week, as I’m SURE you all know, was “The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.” We were expecting it to be a snoozefest. BOY, WERE WE EVER WRONG.

9:54am, Tuesday March 8
Carly: So how much did you watch?
Sarah: I think I got halfway
Carly: Right right
Sarah: Shit did pop off
Harrison was brimming over with glee
Carly: There was a moment when the ladies were screaming and Harrison was sitting back and like…tapping his fingers all Mr. Burns style… It was amazing
Sarah: More happened [on “The Women Tell All”] than in the entire season. PERFECT METAPHOR: “The Women Tell All” was to the regular “Bachelor” season as the NBA dunk contest was to the regular basketball season, in that everyone thought it was going to be boring and then it POPPED. OFF.
Blake Griffin and Baron Davis are Melissa and Raichel, Michelle is the Kia
Maybe I’m stretching this too far

Nailed it.

Carly: Michelle is the gospel choir singing “I Believe I Can Fly”
Ashley H’s new haircut is the Kia
and Chris Harrison is whoever had the best reaction
Maybe Lebron? Who was freaking out?
I’ll have to watch again
Sarah: Hahahaha
Chris is Lebron. That’s done. Ok getting a bagel.

We were in a very emotional place. We were also nervous about the finale. Would Brad do the right thing and PICK EMILY?

Despite being two hours long, and Carly and I being nervous enough to watch the dumping/proposal while curled into the smallest shapes possible on either side of the couch, there wasn’t anything revolutionary about the finale (half-hearted “Black Swan” homage aside. Yup, that happened). Brad showed the world that although he looks like he was carved from a block of wood he is not as dumb as one, kicked Chantal to the curb and proposed to an overjoyed Emily. We thought that was that. One of us might have cried, I won’t say who.

Little did we know that Hour 3, “After The Final Rose,” would turn out to be “After The Final Rose: Book of REVELATIONS!!!!!!!” Instead of a recap of 3 WHOLE HOURS of largely boring television, Carly would like to relive her favorite moments from the reunion special, because they were myriad and they were intense. I just called an episode of “The Bachelor” intense. We’re all going to have to live with that.

Oh HIIII GUYSSSS! My name is Carly. I just swallowed SIX pills that will hopefully cure a sinus infection so intense it has literally made my ears bleed. LET’S DO THIS! REVELATIONSSSS!

MONDAY NIIIIIIIIIGHT!

1. What if in order to keep things interesting in his FIFTEENTH season, Harrison just dives into a pile of drugs pre-tape and then sees how well he can keep it together. Every commercial break he’s like “INTERN! BRING ME THE SPEEDBALLS!” So by the end when he’s like “Ok guys, let’s take a moment to talk about the elephant in the room,” he’s talking about the literal elephant that is tap dancing in the corner. “Everybody give it up for Scott Bakula from ‘Quantam Leap’!”

2. BRAD AND EMILY BROKE UP.

3. But…maybe they’re still together? Brad is so intense about talking about how much he luuuuuvs this womaaaan, but Emily looks supes uncomfy? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? You can’t dangle true love in front of me and then take it away five minutes later, show! These couples are supposed to last AT LEAST four months post airing!

4. “Let’s bring out some of ‘The Bachelor’s’ most memorable couples,” Harrison slurred about halfway through the show, A.K.A. the only couples that are still together…which is three. And two of those couples have been together one year or less. I feel so sad for Trista and Ryan. Do you think Harrison has a webcam set up in their house and anytime they fight he shows up and is like “DON’T BLOW THIS FOR ME!”

5. Did you guys hear? Ashley H. is the new bachelorette! [Even though it was technically revealed on “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” it still counts. Also, remember when I predicted this SEVERAL EPISODES AGO?! ROLL THE TAPE! I’m awesome. – Sarah] Let’s be honest, as soon as we saw that “Women Tell All” makeover and redemption interview it was basically set, but let’s all take a moment to remember that Sarah knew it first. [I did.] HOLLA!

Remember this psycho? He was a lot of things. Straight was not one of them.

6. Brad has quite the temper! Maybe he and our previous Bachelor, Jake the Pilot, can get married and take out all their irrational bullshit on each other. Jake can scream at Brad about GPS etiquette and Brad can yell at him about…whatever makes Brad angry. (Not being honest about your feelings. Not wanting to go zip-lining. Talking about the food.)

7. Chantal has a new manfriend! Bet that guy feels great about their relationship, considering how dignified and clearly over it Channy was in her interview/reunion with Brad.

8. LOLOL JK! Obviously Chantal is still a hot mess who cannot stop crying about Brad. Never change, Chantal! HAGS! KIT! SWAK!

To conclude: 1. Get well soon, Carly. 2. In the end, it seems that even Brad and Emily’s eternal six week romance wasn’t enough to convince Miss Maynard to uproot her daughter, sell her home, and move to Austin, because god forbid Brad consider leaving Texas for the sake of the woman he claims to love and the child he has promised to parent. As an anonymous friend of mine put it, “Doesn’t Brad realize it’s Texas — South by Southwest is only 1 week a year, and Matthew McConaughey no longer hangs out there with his shirt off????” Of course, this same friend also said, re: Emily’s discomfort with Brad’s enthusiastic on-camera mackage with the other contestants, “I mean, if I were on there and clearly in love with the one girl, I would still be sleeping with the other girls,” so what does he know.

Lastly, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that this summer we will be comin’ atcha with “Bachelorette” and “Bachelor Pad” (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re welcome, everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) coverage. Get ready, guys. May 23rd. It’s going down.

In the meantime, look forward to more of our ruminations on Lifetime, weekend shoes, our eternal quests for love, and of course our dogs, distilled via the upsetting and distorted lens through which we view the world. LYLAS!

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