Edible Arrangements? More like Edible ADVENTURES!

Hi everyone! Were you so sad there was no episode of “The Bachelor” this week? I was so sad there was no episode of “The Bachelor” this week. So was Brad, but he found a way to keep busy — by saving someone’s life. Check it:

"What have I been doing since the show ended? Well, trying to convince my fiancée to actually marry me, and also saving lives in my cool jacket!"

March 21st, 2011: “Brad called 911 for a guy who was having a panic attack in the park near him,” a rep for The Bachelor tells UsMagazine.com. “The incident has nothing to do directly with Brad. He just made the call.”

Ugh, Brad. CALL ME!

As you can imagine, I’ve been racking my brains to come up with my share of content for our blog now that our moneymaker is on hiatus until May 23rd (and by “moneymaker,” I mean “reliable source of inspiration”). A LOT has been going on in my life — I’ve been counting down the days until the Prince William and Kate Middleton Lifetime movie airs on April 18, and I bought a new duvet set online this morning — but when I sat down to write this post, I decided that I’d like to take this opportunity to get real personal.

This month, it was a certain roommate/blog co-author’s 23rd birthday. It was her first birthday in NYC, and like any good non-carnal wife I wanted to make sure that the day was special. So I decided I would have something delivered to her office on her actual birthday, #likeaboss. Originally I thought I’d get her flowers, and then I was like “Boring. Not embarrassing enough. What can I do instead?” And that, friends, is how I ended up on EdibleArrangements.com.

"Where the COOKIES at?" — Dame Judi Dench

Edible arrangements, for the uninitiated, are for when you are too weird to send a regular bouquet of flowers, so you send a bouquet that the person can eat instead. I had a few misconceptions about edible arrangements before I spent some time on the site; namely, I thought Edible Arrangement = Cookie Bouquet, but it turns out the two are not the same at all. That was disappointing — who the eff wants to get all of this fruit cut into weird shapes? I mean really, who is going to eat that?

Here’s the thing, though. The more time I spent on the site, the more their Edible Arrangements mind-voodoo started to work on me and I began to see the arrangements for the works of art they really are. I mean, they have thought of everything.

Looking to get someone something special for Administrative Professionals Day? (April 27th, y’all!) I got just the thing:

Tagline: Hard Work Deserves Fresh Fruit

Oh my god, you just had a baby? It’s a BOY? Congratulations! Give the baby some of the fruit growing out of this blue bear’s back!

The gendering of certain colors beginning in infancy comes FREE with this gift!

Are you looking for something special to do for Eid-al-Fitr? “Break the fast with Edible Arrangements!”

According to Wikipedia, "The traditional Eid greeting is "Eid Mubarak," and it is frequently followed by a formal embrace." I'd like to formally embrace whoever writes copy for EdibleArrangements.com

Edible Arrangements is also happy to assist you in celebrating your obsessions with Harley Davidson (with their Ride Free Dipped Bananas, LOL), NASCAR, and…children? (the last one is from the “Kids And Kids At Heart” collection, the kind of name that makes you go “aww” at first, and then it turns into “eeeugh.”)

 

Small image size, but you get the idea. Sorry, I'm not a genius.

TURN AROUND, BIG BIRD, IT’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, the good people at Edible Arrangements would be remiss if they didn’t acknowledge that there are times when we want desperately to eat pieces of fruit cut into whimsical shapes on sad occasions, too. Want to be a hit at your next funeral? Take a look at the Sympathy section.

Be careful — this could be really offensive if the person died after choking on a piece of fruit, or was mauled by a bear, or both.

And for those times when a verbal “I’m sorry” isn’t good enough, you can say it with a blooming apology (TM! TRADEMARKED!).

"I'm sorry I killed your entire family. I'm just constantly compelled to commit violence. I can't control it; it's the only thing that makes me feel alive. Anyway, happy birthday!" — Chris Harrison

The company also understands that this process can be overwhelming for some of us. If you find yourself on the site, paralyzed by indecision, muttering “none of these are RIGHT!” to yourself, there is a solution that’s not suicide: you can Live Chat with a Fruit Expert. Oh, yes. Because I love all of you, I spent about 20 minutes trolling the site, waiting for an invitation to Live Chat (it doesn’t pop up automatically, I guess you have to want it enough?). In the meantime, I created a profile on the site for Carly Devlin (nailed it), and had the following talk with actual Carly:

Sarah: fucking fuck

all i want is to talk to a fruit expert, but there’s no link for it.

you have to just hope it pops up

Carly: hahaha

maybe there aren’t any on duty

Sarah: ugh i’m so frustrated right now

what does it take to talk to a fruit expert around here

Carly: hahah

did you try searching for the feature?

omg i like the countown of time left to order. ONLY 13 MINUTES! that’s probably why there aren’t any fruit experts around

Sarah: OMG I GOT ONE

Carly: what do you want to ask them??

Sarah: if being a fruit expert is a rewarding career. and how often someone wants to talk to a fruit expert on the site

you know, journalism

OK, i’m going to spin a yarn

After a short wait, it was time for me to talk to maryfrances. Here’s how it went down:

Maryfrances: Hello, how may I help you today?

Sarah: Hi! I’m writing a paper for class on unusual jobs in the digital age, and you don’t get much more unusual than being a fruit expert. Could I ask you a few quick questions?

Maryfrances: Sure.

Sarah: How does one become a fruit expert?

Maryfrances: Well, after years of experience and putting the fruit bouquets together one becomes very familiar and educated regarding the product.

Sarah: How often do people usually want to talk to a fruit expert? Like, how many requests to chat do you typically get in a day?

Maryfrances: I am not sure of the exact number. I apologize. However, we do get many chats per day. Many people are in need of assistance when it comes to selecting the perfect arrangement for the occasion they are shopping for.

Sarah: Say someone chats you and asks you for the perfect arrangement to send to her best friend because she, I don’t know, accidentally slept with her BFF’s boyfriend. Which arrangement would you suggest?

Maryfrances: Something like this does not happen very often.

Sarah: What arrangement would you suggest I send someone if I, say, sold one of their kidneys on the black market

Sarah: Without telling them

Sarah: And then someone came to collect it and I still hadn’t told them

Maryfrances: Like I said, something like this does not happen very often. However, I would do my best to help them choose an arrangement.

Maryfrances: I would help them choose an arrangement that they are looking for.

Sarah: That’s really nice of you! I would be tempted to tell them no because they were doing a bad thing, but I guess that’s why you’re the fruit expert not me LOL!

Sarah: What arrangement would you suggest I send to Knut the polar bear’s family? He just died, I don’t know if you heard.

Maryfrances: I apologize, but I am not sure of the significance of this question.

Maryfrances: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Sarah: Are you a real person or a robot?

Sarah: Your answers just seem very robotic, that’s why I ask

Maryfrances: I am a real person.

Sarah: Cool, me too! Thanks for your time!

There you have it, you guys. Edible Arrangements. They didn’t pay me to say any of this stuff, although maybe they should have?

(I bet you’re wondering, after all this buildup, what kind of Edible Arrangement I ended up getting for Carly? The answer is NONE — I sent regular stupid flowers. I’m not made of money!)

Thanks for accompanying me on this journey! Just remember, like they say on the site: “Happiness Is Always In Season!”

You guys, I'm doing great.

Byeeeeeeeeeeee!

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5 Responses to Edible Arrangements? More like Edible ADVENTURES!

  1. Kristie says:

    oh man. this is amazing. I am obsessed with Edible Arrangements. so obsessed, that Jeff once got me one. you know, as a hilarious gift. well, it surely was hilarious until I started eating the chocolate covered strawberry bouquet. then, it just became serious. it was delicious. so, if you ever rethink sending someone an Edible Arrangement, go for a chocolate covered strawberry option. you won’t be sorry.

    also, I like the robot conversation. maryfrances is TOTALLY that AIM robot that we used to IM back in junior high things like “I’m gonna burn your house to the ground after I bone you”…and the AIM robot would just be like “That is not very nice. I am going to stop responding.” and then it would stop responding. oh, was that just me? I’m sure Carly did it. I feel like that’s the kind of stuff Carly and I did in between our Troll dolls sessions and Beanie Baby marathons.

  2. Anna says:

    Hi, Sarah (and Carly)! I am excited about this semi-relevant thing I have to add because though I am a regular reader of this here establishment, I don’t watch The Bachelor and as such rarely have something salient to contribute. Anyway, you are both hilarious and a have lulz’d in several inappropriate places (class, usually) because of your megafoxysuperawesome writing.

    Anyway, what I wanted to say is that MaryFrances is almost certainly a not-very-convincing robot, BUT could also be a non-native speaker in Southeast Asia somewhere. However, I think the former is more true because even some poor preteen tasked with chatting with potential Edible Arrangements buyers would have thrown in a “haha” or a “:)” at some point in that friendly interview. Also, very thoughtful of you to think to send a fruit bouquet (fruitquet?) to Knut’s family. Nothing would comfort a polar bear family like a blue bear with pineapple chunks sprouting from its lumbar region. Haha. : )

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