Hi! A top search for our blog right now is “black person with black eye,” so we’re doing great. What have we been up to, you ask? Well, lately we’ve been watching a lot of “Degrassi: The Next Generation.” Wait, that’s not right, the current iteration is called “Degrassi: Gone Too Far” or something.
I consulted Carly, and it’s “Degrassi: In Too Deep,” which is juuuust barely less ridiculous than what I guessed. Most of my friends were super into “Degrassi: The Next Generation” in high school, but I really wasn’t (despite being Canadian). EVERYTHING changed, though (literally everything) when we moved here and I was introduced to the wonders of OnDemand and “Degrassi” marathons on TeenNick, both of which allowed me to puff on the crack pipe of human drama in as large of a dose as I wished.
Let me drop a little bit of history on you: “Degrassi,” in its various incarnations, has been on the air for 32 effing years. The most recent version has featured more abortions, teenage alcohol abuse, domestic violence and closeted gays than you can shake a stick at, but the genius of “Degrassi” is that they are allllllll about pushing the envelope and making sure things are constantly popping off. EVERY episode of Degrassi is a Very Special one, and that is why once you start watching a marathon it is literally impossible to stop.
So, what’s going on with all the children at this school? (Featuring solid guest-reporting from Carly)
Riley is a football player who used to be straight, but he met a hunky lifeguarding instructor over the summer and all of a sudden couldn’t control his boners (no really, that was like an entire episode). Now he’s secretly dating a teeny tiny little boy from school, while pretending to date Anya, who is ALSO secretly gay. Wait, Carly is informing me that Anya is not secretly gay (that’s Fiona) but she IS definitely Riley’s beard. Riley might not need her though, because even though his mom saw him making out with his boyf in his room, she un-saw it and is pretending he’s still straight. PARENTING!
Poor man’s Taylor Lautner (Name Unknown) is a basketball star, but no one likes him because he cheated on some girl with the Skool Skank, Bianca, in the boiler room. Who hasn’t been there? Now he’s actually trying to date Bianca, but his friends Poor Man’s Justin Bieber and Jenna (who is about to have Bieber’s baby at age 15 so, like, easy on the judgment there, princess) don’t approve.
Bianca: You look great! Barely bigger than before.
Jenna: Blah blah boiler room skank
Bianca: Dramatic exit!
Lautner: U guyz r mean.
Jenna: She called me fat!
Lautner: She wasn’t wrong!
Jenna: I’m PREGNANT!
Clare and Eli are dating and Clare is learning how to drive. A guy named Fitz needs to talk to them, but they are NOT HAVING IT. More on this story as it develops. First, THEME SONG!
Sav is still in a band, and still a hottie.
Okay, so the mysterious Fitz is attempting to make amends with Clare after he pulled a knife on her and Eli (!!!) at the dance (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but now he wants to apologize because he has Found Jesus. “If you can forgive me, maybe Eli can too,” Fitz the knife-wielding psycho tells Clare. Clare seems on board, but before she can do anything Eli drives by GLARING AT THEM OUT THE WINDOW LIKE A PSYCHO HIMSELF!!! In the next 15 seconds he parks, gets out of the car, storms into the frozen yogurt shop (?!) and tells Fitz to stay away from her. Clare immediately starts defending Fitz the knife-wielding psycho, all “Why you gotta be so mean?”
Man. We’re only 3 episodes in and I’m exhausted. I was hoping to get to Fiona and her trans girlfriend, but I’m just not strong enough.
Don’t even get me started on Holly J.
Anyway, this has been great, and I’ll be in touch. Just don’t expect it to happen right away, because, like, I’m pretty busy? I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a graduate student (Sample encouraging email from fellow graduate student: “He could give two shits whether we hand in a review and it’s not like we get a grade for these Saturday classes. So don’t worry about it and give yourself a break. This is like serious school crunch/crazy time and it’s not worth beating yourself up about. Also, let’s commit suicide soon.” (Also they’re increasing tuition! THANX!)) and I also have a full-time job, and a really poppin’ social life? What I’m trying to say is I’m pretty busy
and, you know, I’ll see you around soon. I’m just saying, you can’t expect me to turn out this kind of quality work all the time. I only have one life to live, I can’t just sit on the couch giving you highly subjective rundowns of less than half the characters on a marginally popular TV show. Except, you know, for the fact that writing about television on our blog is sort of the reason I breathe. So I probably will be coming atcha with “Poorly Researched Thoughts On Degrassi: Part Deux” sooner rather than later. Miss you love you byeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!