“The Bachelorette” Season 7, Episode 1: A Murderer, a Butcher and a BENTLEY walk into a bar…

Fresh off a stint recapping “Celebrity Apprentice,” Sarah returns to her old stomping grounds!

Well, it’s such a pleasure to be back, bringing news of “The Bachelor” to our nearest and dearest. Just a warning to everyone (read: the whiners who don’t like our “Bachelor” coverage): with the return of the show comes a renewed commitment to contributing content to NSOP that is NOT “Bachelorrelated, but will also probably have a lot to do with our dating woes/musings on feminism. We are only human. Anyways, I heard that one of the contestant this season may or may not have murdered his wife (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), so let’s get to it.

She was basically in this exact outfit at one point.

When we last left Ashley, she had fallen in love with Brad after six amazing weeks of dating him, along with twenty other women. She claims that she toootally fell in love but that she also “didn’t let [her]self believe in it.” I’m glad that Ashley has spent the hiatus riding the rationalization train. But luckily — LUCKILY — things are different now. She runs across bridges in teeny shorts! She stares pensively out of windows! Her hair color is better now! She sits alone on a stage in an auditorium, barefoot! Wait, what? Then she starts…interpretive dancing? OMG, show, I have missed you. How come we knew she was a dentist but not that she was also Honey Daniels?

Overheard in our apartment during the “Coming up this season on ‘The Bachelorette'” montage:

Carly: Is she dancing? I don’t want to do this.
Carly and Sarah: *screaming*
Sarah: OMG it’s a burning rose! BURNING ROSE!

If being obsessed with the butcher is wrong, we don't want to be right. YES, WE KNOW THAT'S A GOLD CHAIN.

We get a preview of some of the dudes: a solar power business owner; a guy who “went to Yale, which is in Connecticut;” some dude who shops at the farmer’s market in Union Square (Carly: “CALL ME!”); Harvey Kinkel’s doppelganger (look it up); a wine maker (uh, call ME); BENTLEY, the “businessman” who the season previews have shown to be absolutely effing amazing/diabolical/insane; a butcher (I am a vegetarian, but seriously also CALL ME); West, the murderer (Carly: “He’s so cute!”); a guy whose dad died (I know that’s insensitive, we weren’t paying attention); aaaaaaand those are all the guys who get official intros. Everyone else has to try to be memorable at the cocktail party.

Also, little did I know — this is Jasper’s favorite show!

Can't get enough.

Harrison, just a disembodied voice until now, is standing in front of the Mansion of Broken Engagements, ready to reintroduce Ashley to us. Do you think Harrison doesn’t like the “Bachelorette” seasons as much because they don’t allow for as much bro-bonding time? Ashley immediately starts complaining about how someone told her that BENTLEY isn’t here for the right reasons (first mention of “being here for the right reasons” this season! I teared up). Harrison looks pissed. Whoever Ashley’s snitch friend is should lock her doors at night, is what I’m saying.

All right, let’s see what kind of dumb stuff the dudes decide to do as they spill out of the limo. The “Bachelorette” contestants always seem to be pulled from a mythical tribe of men who watch the show religiously, so they already know that the entrance out of the limo is trés important.

Overheard in our apartment over the next five minutes:

Carly and Sarah: Haaaaayyyy. OMG! *screaming*

I am just being real here — it’s a pretty good-looking crop of dudes. Then the hot streak gets ruined by Tim, the liquor distributor who is clearly already wasted. He takes 15 seconds to remember to introduce himself, then saunters off in the general direction of the house. He’s perfect.

West is a Lifetime movie made real. I don't know.

Dudes speaking French. Rapping. Murdering— oh wait, it’s just West! You guys. He is so hot. Anthony the butcher has the moves of a jungle cat (Carly: “It’s over, it’s done! I’m leaving the murderer for Anthony!”). Next up…is a man in a black Mardis Gras mask. He says he’s wearing it so Ashley gets to “learn about what’s inside.” Believe me when I say that nobody wants to know more about that. Zorro walks into the cocktail party and all the guys hate him instantly. Drunk Tim is especially disturbed. “I don’t like masks,” he slurs in an interview. “No.”

The winemaker emerges from the limo with a bottle of wine, and I am sold. The most Canadian Canadian boy I’ve ever seen — and I watch a lot of “Degrassi” — comes shuffling out of the limo after him, and is so cute and self-effacing that I can’t stand it. Nick, a personal trainer whose hair alone looks like the villain in a late-90s teen movie, recites a poem. Carly and I grind our teeth in disapproval. BENTLEY comes out of the limo and his pokerface upon realizing the Bachelorette is not Emily Maynard is terrible.

Remember her? She was great! We loved her too. But it's time to let it go, BENTLEY.

Constantine, who I think is the fellow dentist that Harrison promised Ashley, ties some pink dental floss around Ashley’s right ring finger. He’s not that cute, but after the floss bit she is a smitten kitten. All right, this has been great. I have to rest.

Freelance dog photographer and founder of FakeFace loungewear Carly returns for a “Bachelorette” recapping victory lap!

Point of order: Nick the personal trainer, upon closer examination, has a soul patch. Two thumbs WAY up.

You guys. I have so many boyfriends already.

We return to the cocktail party where the men ogle Ashley while she gives them some advice which I cannot recap for you here because Anthony is in the wide shot and HOLY GOD.

Ashley’s first sit down is with Ryan P., the solar energy guy. He talks about his job and how he’s going to single handedly save all the puppies and rainbows one solar panel at a time. Cool. Seems normal. BORING. Winemaker is here. Talking about wine. They discuss the stuff that they sampled upon greeting. Sarah and I wonder if said wine was laced with ecstasy and how long it will be before Ashley starts asking the men to put VapoRub on her chest.

This seems right.

Some guy who’s name I didn’t catch calls his mother on speaker. She sounds awesome. She tells Ashley that when she takes her son to the fantasy suite she should remember that their mothers are watching and also use protection. Let’s get Gayle on this show. I would absolutely sign up to watch momma Gayle sipping on some pinot and lecturing 25 hot dudes about safe sex. Get on that, networks.

Tim the drunkard is REALLY not happy about the guy with the mask. Masked man is like “UGH! I just knew you would judge me.” Are they ex boyfriends? Is that going to be the shocking revelation that leads Ashley to set a rose on fire?

Chris brings out the first impression rose. Ashley talks to like 7 more guys, none of whom are even remotely memorable.  Some dude is channeling “Love Actually” and playing the signs game outside a window. Ah! It’s Ben! The cute lawyer who spoke French. I forgive you for the signs, Ben. He’s a traveler and is pretty darn adorable.

There’s a sales man who, when asked to sell himself to Ashley opts instead to do really bad impressions? Ok. He’s kind of lovable.

Biiiig sad face for the Timster.

Ashley finds Tim outside. He is now HAMMERED. She tries to have a conversation with him while he just kind of goes cross-eyed and smiles creepily. He leaves her to go find his boyfriend the masked man so they can fight about where it all went wrong. These two deserve each other. And just when we think we can’t possibly get more embarrassing, we cut to Tim passed out under a fur blanket snoring at an unreasonable volume (and this is coming from a snorer – NO SHAME). Ashley tries to wake him, and the snoring presses on. Someone needs to just put this guy out of his misery.

After the break, Ashley enlists the help of a bunch of the guys to wake Tim up and put him in a car. Listen, Tim. I get it. We’ve all had to be put away early. But really? When the room started spinning you didn’t think maybe it was time to pump the brakes on the boozing? Considering you just signed a contract to appear on national television where the editors’ number one goal is to make you look like an idiot? Hilariously, masked man watches all of this unfold from the balcony as organ music plays.

This is actually Jeff's official bio photo for ABC.com. LOLZ. Never change, Jeff! You're perfect just the way you are!

Ashley talks to the masked guy as he very seriously explains the need for it in a way that almost makes sense. Except for the opposite of almost. Ashley decides that this is not a gimmick, that this is something he truly believes in. She says it like its endearing, which is confusing. He’s wearing a mardi gras mask, Ashley.

Now we’re talking to the super hot construction manager from NY. Oh haaaaaay! He says the city was getting a little stale. Shhhh… you come back here to me. They have a really stupid conversation about desserts and Ashley says she needs her husband to call her “Cupcake.” No.

BENTLEY! Ashley says she wants to know everything about him. He has a daughter named Cosi? or Cozy? Really? Sorry, Coz, things are not going to be easy for you. BENTLEY answers all Ashley’s questions like a champ, because he’s seen this show before and knows that no matter what he does he’s going to get a rose because he’s the fucking Wes of this season and the Wes’s of The Bachelorette always make it to the top. [Wes was the Wes of Jillian’s season of “The Bachelorette.” Justin Rego was the Wes of Ali’s season of “The Bachelorette.” And Michelle was the Wes of last season of “The Bachelor.” Don’t believe me? ROLL THE TAPE. — Sarah]

First impression rose goes to the solar energy guy. Fair enough. He’s pretty cute and seems not insane. Good work so far, Ashley. Now get some one-on-one time with Anthony so I can stare at him for a while, please.

BENTLEY straight up admits that he is not attracted to Ashley, but he likes winning. Yes. More of that.

Rose ceremony! 17 more roses to hang out? EEEEUGHHHHH. First rose goes to the mask guy. OMG ASHLEY. You are the dumbest. Floss guy is in. Figured. Wino. Decent. Several guys who I’ve never seen before. Momma’s boy. Cool. SOUL PATCH? Really? Ashley needs a life coach. More guys I’ve never seen. Cute lawyer. Good. YESSSS THE MURDERER MADE THE CUT! Hot New Yorker. And we’re at the final rose. And Anthony hasn’t even gotten a close up. FAAAAAIL. Obviously it’s going to BENTLEY. We all knew this because this is not our first time watching television.

Never forget.

Anthony is sad. So am I. He’s been single for 7 years. That’s all going to change now. ANTHONYYYY! New Jersey is not far away! We could have something special! CALL MEEEE!

Wow. All these dudes seem genuinely bummed out. It’s going to be ok, guys! You will meet so many sad, single ladies at the “Bachelor rejects” mixers! You’re all going to be fine! STOP CRYING! Ashley toasts her suitors and says that she thinks her husband is in this crowd, which is just a very normal thing to say to a bunch of men you have known for two hours. Happy hunting, Ashley!

This season, on “The Bachelor”: Dancing! Pirate ships! Fire dancing! World travels (dicks)! More of the mask! BENTLEY being an a hole! Ambulances! Someone carrying Ashley’s limp body in the rain? Jesus. You’ve done it, show. You can quit now. This is what perfection feels like.

End tag: William the salesman continues his impressions, which are all unapologetically terrible, inaccurate and therefore supah cute. I’m still reeling from the loss of my one true love Anthony the butcher, but this guy will do in the meantime.

See ya next week!

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4 Responses to “The Bachelorette” Season 7, Episode 1: A Murderer, a Butcher and a BENTLEY walk into a bar…

  1. bad writing says:

    Not great writing.

  2. Samantha D'Angelo says:

    Love your style!
    Was totally hot for Anthony, too. Ashley picked chopped liver over a sizzling steak. He was way too much for her. Am so bummed not to see him again.

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