Hour 1: Carly
Tonight on the Bachelorette – Ashley stages a fake wedding with one of the men? Wow, 15 seconds into the pre show promo and I am already uncomfortable. Way to be, show! Also the Jabawockeez are here? SLUMMING IT! And my god, we’re having more masked man time. Fingers crossed that falls in Sarah’s hour. Also BENTLEY continues to fucking KILL. IT.
Harrison comes out in a wrinkly buttoned shirt with his cuffs flapping in the wind because he was too busy sleeping on his pile of baby lambs and dolla bills to use an iron or bother with buttons. Seriously. I remember the days when Harrison would come out with an artistically paired pattern on pattern shirt tie combo. What changed?? He explains the rules to these men, which is absolutely unnecessary, as we have established in excruciating detail that these guys are all hard core fans of the Bachelor franchise.
The first date goes to William, the adorable cell phone salesman who is terrible at impressions and great at looking like a cuter version of Prince William. Ashley shows up driving a super fancy car, causing all the men to stare with googly eyes and Matt to offer the first threat of physical violence. YAY! Ashley and William go to an airport and hop on a private jet because that’s just what you do on a first date in Bachelor-land.
Back at the MANsion (see what I did there) masked man is talking to some other dude and has now added a knitted beanie to his ensemble? Oh god his whole head must smell SO BAD.
After the break we’re in Vegas with Ashley and William. Ashley says she wants to find a husband but isn’t sure if William is ready to go to the altar just yet, so she’s going to test him. By marrying him. You guys, I don’t think Ashley has thought this through. We watch as they pick out a cake and ring and William keeps looking around and laughing nervously while he looks for an open window or cliff he can jump off of if someone doesn’t yell JK! in the next five minutes.
Now we’re in a wedding chapel and William is getting lectured by a PRIEST. Too far, show! William keeps interviewing about how he thinks it’s a joke but he doesn’t really know and does anyone have some cyanide pills or something? And its all just so so so uncomfortable and EUGHHHH. Priest goes through the traditional vows and when prompted, William says I do with fear in his eyes because clearly there’s nothing else you can possibly do in that situation but agree to marry a stranger. And then, of course, Ashley starts screaming OMG YOU CAN’T WE COULD BE LEGALLY MARRIED AND I HAVE 17 OTHER BOYFRIENDS YOU CRAZO! As if she didn’t fucking plan the ENTIRE thing. And then they make out and she says she’s falling for him and I need a nap.
Ashley and William are going to take a rowboat to have dinner in the middle of the Bellagio fountains. William is very excited about all the strangers who will watch them dine this evening. After some tan and fit hunnies yell how much they love Ashley, William tells her that he wants to be a stand up comedian, but before she goes off thinking he’s all laughs, he’d like to talk about his alcoholic father being beaten to death.
Back at the MANor (can’t stop won’t stop), the first group date card arrives. There are approximately one million names called – most notably BENTLEY and the murderer.
Ashley gives William the rose and as they hold each other and talk about how this has been the perfect night (false), GASP! The fountains go off! (“Jizz?” – Sarah) It’s all very magical and Ashley keeps talking about how she doesn’t think another guy exists that is as great as William, as if she’s not about to willingly go on a date with another 11 FUCKING GUYS.
The many men of Ashley have been flown to Vegas for their date. She leads them into a theater and tells them they are going to learn choreography from the Jabawockeez. They perform and of course, OF COURSE, Ashley is going to rise from a trap door and dance with them. For like 2 seconds? HAHA! She SO cannot hang.
One of the wockeez says they are going to split the dudes up and have them battle. The winning team gets to stay in Vegas, the losers go back to the man cave. Lots of very intense rehearsal, with the winemaker masterminding a faux rose ceremony dance, while Steven the hairdresser is super stoked about his “left at the altar” routine.
Team 1 – “The Best Men”: THEY’RE COMING IN THROUGH THE AUDIENCE! Sarah is so overcome she has to leave the room. The boys dance around while Steven swivels his hips and does something that maybe could be confused for popping and locking if you had consumed an entire bottle of wine and also your eyes were swolen mostly shut. And it ends in a group hug? 10% performance, guys.
Team 2 – No Rhythm Nation: They’re really into levels, with lots of falling to the ground and writhing around. Also they use hoods. It’s hard to judge either group’s musicality, because I could hear very little over Sarah’s distressed moaning.
Also, turns out the winning team is going to perform in front of thousands of people with the Jabawockeez. I’m sure the audience will be thrilled when they are greeted by six untrained a holes holding back AMERICA’S BEST DANCE CREW. Also Ashley, who you know is going to be the center of the routine because nobody puts Honey Daniels in the corner. No Rhythm Nation wins the challenge, and the losers depart sadly.
As Ashley dances onstage, West, the murderer, says there’s nothing else more attractive than a woman who can move her body, which is probably pretty offensive to his dead wife.
At the post dance cocktail party, Ashley says she wants to have one on one time with all her gentlemen callers. After a brief convo with the dentist (“when you were dancing, I could really see myself inside of you” – DIRTY!), she sits down with West so he can tell her about his wife’s tragic (mysterious) death, and all the lessons it taught him… Primarily how to literally get away with murder.
BENTLEY is like, I’ll see your dead wife and raise you blatant indifference. WE’LL SEE WHO COMES OUT ON TOP! He interviews about how Ashley’s bod is hot and that he’d probably let her do some stuff to him, but beyond that he’s just not interested. LOLOLOL. Ashley basically begs him to love her and stay because she FEEEEELS so MUUUUUUCH! BENTLEY continues to kind of look past her and not really respond to any of her questions as she drools and whines and asks him to stay. Bentley already knows he’s got her wrapped around his finger, and it is sad.
So it’s time to give out the rose, and of course it’s going to BENTLEY, because if we have learned anything from Friday Night Lights (and really, what haven’t we learned), all you have to do to make a girl love you is be an asshole.
Hour 2 – Sarah
I used to think that this show didn’t need to be two hours long, but now I feel like two hours is not nearly long enough. We’re back at the mansion, where all the cutest boys (plus Jeff the Masked Man) were left behind.
A coin flip will determine whether Mickey or JD goes on the next date with Ashley. Or…is it it JP? I’ve been blinded by all the psychoses coming at me onscreen/my huge crushes on everrrrryone, and I cannot keep any of these men straight. Mickey wins the coin toss, and despite his stupid name he is hot and his arms are awesome. What do you want from me? With that decided, we’re back in Vegas. Mickey and Ashley flip the coin again to see who gets to retrieve a bottle of wine from an enormous shelf at a…fancy-looking restaurant? Who needs details when you’ve got Mickey’s arms carrying you through the hotel lobby to dinner, in front of other adults, at like 4:30 P.M., as though you’re his child? Just a quick note — Mickey, unfortunately, is one of those rare birds who is less attractive when he smiles.
Back at the house, everyone hates Jeff.
Dinner! Ashley wants to know “everything there is to know about Mickey.” Then she claws at his shoulders (she’s only human), climbs into his lap and then — oh wait — she just holds his mouth open with both hands and climbs right inside! What a weird thing to do on a date.*
JD is getting super mad about his lack of alone time with Ashley, and his attractiveness is diminishing exponentially with all of the whining. William sits there and tries to appear sympathetic, but his dimples and general cuteness keep getting in the way, like how it would be tough for the sun to see its own reflection in a mirror.
Ashley’s on the fence about Mickey and suggests they flip a coin to see if he gets a rose. Mickey is super offended. Do you think he’ll get over this when he wins the rose, which he obviously will since he called heads and heads always wins?
“BOOYAH,” he says. I think he’s going to be fine, and so will I, since that means I’ll definitely have more time with Mickey and can decide once and for all if he is cute or weird. Mickey also speaks as though English is his second language, and Alien Robot is his first language. They walk outside of the hotel and into an impromptu concert from Colbie Caillat, and Mickey valiantly tries to pretend he loooooves Colbie Caillat, can’t get enough, just crazy for Colbie Caillat, and how did Ashley know? They kiss.
The next night at the mansion, it’s raining and the dudes are nervous. Ashley comes in for the rose ceremony and is looking fooooiiiine. JD/P wrangles some alone time and tells her that they ought to flip a coin to see if they should mack. JPD has mad game! They make out and Ashley is Feeling. It.
Elsewhere, William hauls out some impressions, either to break the ice and inject some levity into the evening, or subtly talk trash. All the guys are annoyed, but my expert opinion is that William is just a clown who needs an audience, and he’s a little drunk. And those two traits make me think we’d have a very happy marriage. I know this isn’t about me, but still. Soul Patch refers to William as “Ding Dong,” and all the dudes laugh, then have to ask him who he is talking about. Meanwhile, Jeff the Masked Man threatens to “reveal himself” to Ashley as soon as he can get her alone, which I didn’t think was something they would allow on network television.
Jeff asks Ashley to sit with him in a darkened, candlelit stairwell so he can tell her about his brain hemorrhage, which landed him “essentially in the hospital.” Essentially? This incident led to his divorce (only this, I am sure). Jeff is juuust about to take the mask off when he is interrupted by Matt, the office supplies salesman. I think this was probably for the best, because I am beginning to think that Jeff is actually Harrison in disguise.
William will not shut his yap about his Vegas date with Ashley. BENTLEY says that the date “sounds terrible,” (LOL) and that he would rather “be swimming in pee than planning a wedding with her.” He tells the other dudes that as soon as he kisses Ashley she’s going to turn into a mindless sex robot. Either that, or he’s bragging about his kissing abilities hoping one of the guys will ask for a demo. Before any of that can happen, BENTLEY gets Ashley upstairs! He throws her around in front of the fireplace, sets her on his lap and gives her the business. With his mouth.
Ugh! Why doesn’t Ashley, who has all the power and can choose whomever she wants, treat BENTLEY in this aloof and disdainful way, instead of turning into a puddle of needy sludge the second he ignores her, which is such a dumb and transparent move on his part considering he’s on a competitive dating show whose winner is supposed to wife her. If Ashley had half an effing brain (and no producers in her ear, I recognize that is part of it, though I doubt they’re ordering her to climb BENTLEY like a tree every three seconds) she would tell him that if he wants to be on TV and ignore her, he could go on literally any other reality show whose endgame isn’t “Someone marries Ashley Hebert.” I’m so embarrassed for her! Why, on a show that gives Ashley her very own himbo harem, with contestants she can dispatch at will, is she still the one smoothing things over/making apologies/pawing desperately at these men’s egos, hoping if she scratches hard enough some of their feeeeeeelings will ooze out? If I was The Bachelorette, I would for real sit on a throne with 5000 bottles of champagne for six weeks, and end this nonsense via dance-off/hands free combat to the death in the finale.
Whoops, I missed the beginning of the rose ceremony, and did not get to check whether or not Harrison and Jeff were ever in the same shot. Okay, who’s outta here? Final few dudes without roses: uh…
Sarah: Wait, who is that? What are their names?
Carly: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of them. The dentist, the hairdresser, that guy.
Dentist clinches the last rose! Eliminated: Matt the office supply salesman, who calls his mom to pick him up at the airport; Steven the hairdresser, whose moves failed to impress; and some guy whose name I don’t remember but who I thought was supa cute (RYAN! It’s Ryan. RIP Ryan!).
Even though I just went on a rant about the entire conceit of this show, I laughed, I screamed, I took cushions off the couch so I could curl up into it during the dance sequences. What I’m saying is, they are BRINGING IT this season, and it’s only going to get better from here. See you next weeeeeeeeeeek!
*This did not actually happen, but it may as well have.