“The Bachelorette” Season 7, Episode 4: “Think about all of our troops overseas.”

Hour 1: In which Ashley is in beautiful Thailand with mostly hot guys and still can’t manage to talk about anything but how her life is SO! HARD!

Oh hi! Carly here. Let’s get to it, shall we?

The previouslies remind us of Bentley’s hasty exit and Ashley’s complete emotional breakdown. This tells me that we are going to spend another episode hearing about how Ashley can’t face the world without Bentley by her side. I’d suggest making a drinking game out of it to make things more enjoyable, but judging by all the previews showing Ashley walking on the beach pensively, I’d imagine we’d all be blacked out by 8:45, and no one wants that.

Are you fucking kidding me?

It’s morning in the man cave and Harrison is there to lecture the boys about being there for the right reason and also to tell them that they are going to go to Phuket. Of course they are. Every time the contestants on The Bachelor get to go somewhere awesome a little piece of me dies. I can’t believe West the murderer gets to see Thailand before me. The undeserving a holes pack and chest bump and high five. You’re not worthy!

Now we’re in Thailand and Ashley is walking the beach and talking about Bentley (drink!). I’m shocked. She meets with the concierge to hear about all the awesome things you can do in Thailand because the tourism department was like you can’t fucking come here and slut it up all over our beautiful land without giving us some positive press.

First date card! Sexy J.P. reads it all sexy like. It’s for Constantine, who I don’t think we’ve heard speak yet.

Constantine puts on his best orange board shorts. They are supposed to take a boat ride, but the weather is shit so they have to improvise. Is it just me or is Constantine getting more and more attractive every time they cut to him? When he showed up in the first ep I was like ehh… but now I’m like EHHH!? It’s confusing.

Ashley and Constantine shop for a little while and then find a poor, old man who is just trying to man his storefront and begin interrogating him about his marriage. He talks and a girl translates something about marriage not being about winning. Or so she says. Can we really trust this girl to be a reliable translator? I’m just saying. Then Ashley rejects Constantine’s umbrella so they can run in the rain because she’s just, like, soooo spontaneous!

Those are some bright orange shorts! Phuket is adorable! Constantine looks like Ashley's father! Just some observations.

Constantine and Ashley drink beer and talk about their day so far. They toast to making the best of their rained out date, and Ashley interviews about Bentley (drink!) again because that’s all she can fucking talk about. Lot’s of frollicking in the rain and hand holding and guys – Constantine is one million feet tall! He’s a giant! Call me, Constantine!

Beachside dinner. Ashley is still confessionalizing about Bentley(drink!). I want to punch her in the mouth. She talks to Constantine about how she wants to know if he’s not feeling it and make sure that they are on the same page. He gives some long speech about “day to day” and “normal” and “easy” and I think the point he’s trying to make is that he likes her? But it’s not entirely clear. She’s like “but are you suuuuuuure???” Because Ashley is the poster child for insecurity.

Winemaker, JP and the dentist are talking and there’s a loot of hotness in this room. Wait, no, that’s just JP. They talk about the other guys and the hotness says he’s feeling jealous. JP – you have nothing to worry about.

Yep, you're welcome.

Back to the beach! Constantine talks about how despite many relationships, he hasn’t really “gotten deep” with anyone. Dirty! He made some life changes and hasn’t really dated in a while and of course Ashley makes it about her. “Am I your guinea pig?!?” -Captain of the insecurity squad. She gives him the rose after speeching for a million years. Ugh. These two and their rambling, incoherent speeches. They prance around in the water and Ashley makes him give her a piggy back ride because there’s nothing Ashley likes more than being treated like a child.

THUMBS UP! FOR ROCK AND ROLL! (but seriously: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaIvk1cSyG8. You won't regret it.)

Group date time! But not before Ashley interviews some more about Bentley(drink! If this were real now’s about the time I’d start slurring about how much I love you (‘you’ being whoever happened to be in front of me whilst drinking. Could be anyone)). SHUT UP! The guys meet Ashley in the rain and talks to them about the 2004 Tsunami. They’re going to spend the day painting an orphanage that was created for the many displaced children. The guys all talk about how Ashley is the best person ever for setting all this up as if she had anything at all to do with it.

The guys all interview that Ryan is pissing them off, but I’m still unsure as to why. The only footage shown to back this up is of him giving helpful tips to be more efficient/better at painting. I think they’re jealous of his mad wall interior decorating skillz.

Winemaker is painting an elephant on the wall. Adorbs. Except he’s wearing a beanie. Less adorbs. Ashley says spending time with the winemaker is exactly what she needed to help get over Bentley (dribnkkk!). She literally uttered that exact same sentence about Constantine last night. How many times are we going to hear that ____ is really helping her get over Bentley, you think?

The kids arrive to thank the lads for their work and… ok fine. You’ve touched my heart, Bachelorette. YOU WIN. I’m not a monster!

Ashley and the dudes are off to the traditional “after the fixing the orphanage after party” (TM Sarah). Ashley is looking ridiculous in a bikini covered by a barely there crocheted top. That’s not a cover-up, Ashley. It’s a shirt. And it needs another shirt under it. You’re gross.

Speaking of Bentley... LOLZ at this mag cover. Didn't you think a picture of West would be the inset? Just me?

Ashley is sitting down with the winemaker and telling him how hard her life has been what with Bentley leaving (I’M WASTED!). He talks about how impressed with her he was throughout the date so of course she has to be like “whaaaat you like me?!” Ashley. You’re the bachelorette. There for the right reasons or not, these a holes are pretty much contractually obligated to like you to some degree. Or at least pretend like they do. Chill the fuck out!

Ryan sits down with Ashley and all the dudes bitch about him again. William the roaster continues to be a straight shooter as he says it’s all about the guys being jealous. That makes more sense. Some of the gentlemen say that if Ryan gets a rose they’ll leave. What? So far the only complaint I’ve heard is that Ryan made the guys stay on track and do a good job at the orphanage! What’s the big deal?

JP! I want to be a part of it!

Ashley is worried about J.P. since they haven’t been able to talk. They sit on the beach and he’s in some shorts that are creeping up a little bit and I’m just going to say I’m ok with it. J.P. says some bullshit about liking her so she has to ask him if he means it like ten times. Ashley. You are not representing women well. And The Bachelor franchise is usually SO kind to women! Weird! Ashley and J.P. make out and.. WHOA. Things are getting really sensual up in here. I feel like I’m intruding on something. But also I can’t look away? I don’t know. And yes! It’s happening! He’s carrying Ashley through the rain! She doesn’t look as lifeless as I would have hoped, but it’s still pretty great.

Back at the house, the date card comes. It’s a one on one for Ames! Who went to Yale. That’s in Connecticut, just so’s you know. He’s the worst, is what I’m getting at.

Back at the after party, Ashley is about to give the rose out and Ryan interrupts to steal her away for a moment. Ok, guys. That was pretty douchey. I’ll give you this one. He doesn’t even say anything except that he’s happy to be there. Shhhh, Ryan. Don’t prove the other guys right with this nonsense.

Back to the group, and the rose goes to the winemaker! Solid choice. Free wine 4LYF! Now it’s time to strip down and swim. And sit on J.P.’s shoulders? Jealous.

And that’s it for hour 1! Sarah, have fun counting how many times Ashley mentions Bentley. Over/under on 349839487959855798?

Hour 2

I’m not feeling very well today — please, don’t call me a hero — and Ashley’s next date being with Ames (who went to YALE) is not making me feel much better. Ames has been to Phuket several times, he tells us. But of course. It’s too bad it’s been raining the whole time! I like Ashley’s cute plaid umbrella. How am I doing so far? Are you riveted?

A still photo from their date. I SWEAR, they were just kayaking!

Ames tells Ashley he went to Thailand to climb mountains after college and to go to cooking school last year. Ashley, don’t marry this guy. I think “cooking school” is code for a crime syndicate. Thailand is so beautiful. Also beautiful: Carly getting tears in her eyes when she realizes “Pretty Little Liars” comes back from hiatus tomorrow. Ames is very articulate. They kayak through some caves, or rather, Ames kayaks and Ashley poses on the front of the boat. “Navigating these caves is exactly like navigating a relationship,” Ames says, and if I hadn’t spent all day vomiting I would do it right now. They arrive…somewhere and Ames takes off his shirt to eat lunch(?). Upon closer examination, Ames is pretty foxy, or at least knows how to work his angles. Tyra would be proud. I check out, and head over to the “Bachelor” website to check out the application for the show. Sample question for the ladies: “Why haven’t you found the man of your dreams?” Too real!

Ames and Ashley are eating dinner, talking about Ashley’s future children. We’ve all been on that date, right? No? This is completely abnormal? BRB, have to seriously re-evaluate my dating strategy! “What are your needs in a relationship?” Ashley asks. “It’s just something that you feel,” Ames answers. What? (More application questions: “Do you have any tattoos? If so, what are they? Where are they located on your body?”) Ames gets a rose but no mackage, and while he seems to think that’s totally cool, I think it spells doom. I saw how she kissed JP on the beach in the rain! I was jealous! (“Do you drink alcoholic beverages?”)

Try and picture the trauma that would make you not want to attend one of these. Try it, I dare you! (Side note: they all look like they're going to attack her. What is going on?)

Ashley reminds us that the distress of Bentley leaving made her so bereft that she canceled last week’s cocktail party. Can you imagine?

At the cocktail party, she sits down with West, he of the wife who died under mysterious circumstances. The show’s “Law & Order” music is working overtime here. They talk about whether or not she could ever be a replacement for his dead wife. “Look Ashley, if she was so great I wouldn’t have murdered her,” West does not say. Then she sits down with Lucas, and I seriously don’t understand where this guy and his crazy eyes came from. (“Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type?” “Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against you?”)

A thousand times yes.

Blake the Dentist sits down with Ryan and tells him that no one likes him. When asked to provide a reason, he can’t come up with anything. Ryan accepts this gracefully, smiling the whole time, and then gives a beautiful, beautiful interview. I just…okay, here’s the whole thing: “Just ridiculous, it’s preposterous. I mean, okay. What, you can’t hang with the fact that I’m friggin happy a lot? Like, I’m sorry. Sorry I’m not grumpy, my bad. I guess I should just be grumpy. It has been raining a lot, though, it really has been raining a lot, maybe I should be grumpy. Sorry, I’m in Phuket, Thailand. It’s kinda nice. Think about all our soldiers that are overseas right now. Why the heck wouldn’t you be happy, and be so stoked to have this opportunity when you could be freaking over there and every morning you’re waking up to mortar shots, and…yeah. Anyways, okay.” A masterpiece.

Chris "There Are No Rules" Harrison, ladies and gents.Ashley pow wows with Harrison and is stiiiiiill yakking about Bentley. How Harrison refrains from shaking her like maracas until she stops talking about how he broke her heart, I will never understand. Ashley asks for an extra rose. Huh? “There are no rules,” Harrison tells her. Wait, this is a game show, Harrison. Just because that’s your mantra in real life doesn’t mean she can just get extra roses willy-nilly. If there really were no rules, maybe everyone wouldn’t feel obligated to get engaged to the winner of a reality TV competition after spending six weeks together, given that the show has produced only one long-term relationship after a frillion seasons, and would just opt to date like normal humans for a while instead. And yet!

Lucas gets the first rose, which is a stupid decision. Just keepin’ it real, Ashley! Then Ryan gets the second, so sick burn on all the haterz/grumpy people enthusiasts. So, which poor bastard is getting kicked out of Thailand? It’s down to West and Ben C. Ben C has already had a successful one-on-one date, but I feel like Ashley hasn’t spent much time with West and might keep him around to see if she can get a confession out of him. HAHAHA, what if Ashley was actually an undercover detective?

Aaaaand West is outta here. He manages not to murder anyone on his way out. The show’s violins of love lost play, but Ashley doesn’t even seem that bummed about it. Man. What a boring episode!

Love you buddy!

Next week: more Thailand! They’re going to Chiang Mai! All the dudes “Wooooo!!!!” as though this isn’t the first time they’ve heard of the city. End tag: Ashley having Nick the personal trainer (who I originally referred to as Brian, so I’m definitely paying very close attention) do pushups while she sits on his back, which are exactly the kind of shenanigans I’d be engaging in 24/7 if I was on this show. Until next week!

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