“The Bachelorette,” Season 7 Episode 5: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Hour 1 – Sarah

I was planning to work out this evening prior to “The Bachelorette,” so the endorphins would keep me alert and HILARIOUS while I slaved away on this post. Instead, I came home, ate a grilled cheese sandwich, watched half of a “Real Housewives of Orange County” reunion episode, finished the book I was reading, and then laid in the dark in my bedroom Googling “remedies for canine seasonal allergies” for about twenty minutes. So, I’m sorry. For my less-than-ideal mental state and this digression. The good news: someone is going to the hospital in this episode!

Documentary-style footage of the wolf pack traveling. They arrive in Chiang Mai, and Chris greets the gents in his best “Eat Pray Love” flowing linen pantaloons. The “we are in Asia now” music is going insane. Chris (I just typed “Christ,” whoops!) tells the guys to go find their private villa. No fair!

The same! But only one of them makes wine!

No one has lobotomized Ashley, so she’s still talking about Bentley like that was an actual relationship. Christ (OMG!) explains the agenda for this leg of the love journey, which includes a two-on-one date. We all know what that means: two man enter, one man leave (gross!). Ben F gets the only one-on-one of the episode, and if he’s smart he tucked a teeny bottle of homemade wine into his slim-fitting shorts. If a man proposed to me with a miniature bottle of homemade wine instead of a ring, I would answer “yes, a thousand times yes” without irony. Even if he was a stranger. Especially if he was a stranger. I am a bit disappointed that Ashley didn’t take Ben F and Constantine on the two-on-one date for a Josh Groban-off, but we shan’t dwell on the past.

Marketplace. Music. Food. Ashley lies that she thought Ben F was hot before she knew he was a winemaker. If Ben F and I got hitched it would be a very honest relationship. Because I would be drinking all the time. They sit in front of a temple, where Ashley reveals she has cock-blocked herself because the temple is too sacred to be besmirched by the sight of two dating show contestants with their tongues in each other’s mouths. That was an uncharitable thing to say. I don’t like who I am tonight.

Outdoor dinner near another, skank-friendly temple. Jkjkjkjk. I forgot that Ben F brought Ashley wine on the first night. It’s called the top four, and he will be in it. I haven’t been paying very close attention, but Ben F has a dead dad, a history of being an “emotional zombie,” and a friend who runs his wine-making business with him. Ben F’s friend! Call me!

This was pre-ladies with candles. Still weird. They look like they're about to be sacrificed!

Brian? Jeff? What is the name of the personal trainer with the soul patch? At any rate, that guy reads a group date card and by process of elimination the dudez and the audience playing at home figure out it’s William and Ben C going on the two-on-one. Back on Ashley and Ben F’s weird temple date some servants come out to wave candles around while Ben F and Ashley try to pretend it’s been a lifelong dream of theirs to mack on someone in a foreign country while a bunch of locals gesture in their direction with flaming objects.

Group daaaaaaaaaaaate!!!! Muay Thai boxing is a thing in Thailand, and so the dudes will

I mean.

literally be fighting each other. That is what I am TALKING about! Ryan is super excited about the opportunity to smash some bros’ faces in. I hope Ryan channels all of his latent rage into this activity and mauls everyone, including Ashley. Lucas, who no one else on the show seems to acknowledge (is he really there?) says he doesn’t know much about Muay Thai boxing, “but [he] has been in some street fights!” There’s a vaguely embarrassing workout montage. Carly gets the vapors when she gets a look at Mickey’s shiny, shiny, sculpted chest. Ames tries to kick a punching bag and falls over. This is the most homoerotic date of all time.

A tiny car pulls up and everyone piles in (dirty!), and they drive to a boxing ring in a public square. Apparently Thailand decided if they were going to play host to these jokers, the least the show could do was put them in a ring and have them harm each other for the locals’ entertainment. The bachelors clench their beefy, dumbbell-cultivated pecs in terror at the thought of actual combat. Ashley expresses the desire that the men “have fun with it” and “don’t take it too seriously.” Ashley. You put them in a ring and asked them to fight each other. What were you expecting?

Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

First up are Lucas and Blake. Blake kicks Lucas’s street-fighting ass, and it is all way more violent and uncomfortable than I or Ashley was expecting. JP is next, fighting Mickey and his shiny muscles. Man, I forgot how hot Mickey is when he’s doing anything but smiling. They fight. Ashley cringes. Ryan laughs and laughs. Hahahahahaha. Ryan is a secret psycho. Then JP goes INSANE and starts beating the stuffing out of Mickey. Ashley pretends to cry. Ryan jumps to his feet, cheering.

Ames gets in the ring with Ryan, whose veins have been filled with pure adrenaline after watching all of that blood sport. He whales on Ames. This is so much worse than the Jabbawockeez. Why’d you have to hit him in the head, Ryan? That brain came straight from Yale!

"Something is not right. Something is quite wrong!" - Miss Clavell. Ashley, get in the damn ambulance!

Nick and Constantine are fighting, while Ames appears to be having an actual stroke on the sidelines. Oh my god, this was so unsafe. And Ashley is hardly interacting with any of the guys! How was this a good idea for a date? Poor Ames, in his bright pink boxing gear, goes to sit in an ambulance while Ashley stands nearby with a pitying look on her face. Ames’s penis falls off and bounces out of the van onto the sidewalk. Not really — but psychologically, yes.

Ames is wheeled into a Thai hospital. Ashley isn’t at the hospital, though. She’s at a cocktail party in her best Concerned Romper + Heels. “Everything is perfect, except for one thing,” Ryan says. Well, yeah. You killed Ames. Although Ashley was able to find the wherewithal to cancel the cocktail party when Bentley broke her heart, there is no similar show of concern for Ames. Ashley presses the dudes for details about what it’s like to get punched in the face. No one offers a demo.

Then, from the shadows, Ames strolls into the party! Hahaha what if his personality was completely different. Carly and I have to pause the DVR so we can imitate post-concussion Ames’s thick Brooklyn accent. “Yo, bitches! Ames is in the building! *Break dancing noises*” Ames sits down with Ashley, but confesses he can’t talk to her because he has brain damage. “Girl, it ain’t even like that. Baby, where you goin? Baby, come back!”

Back at the hotel, William makes my “two man enter, one man leave” joke. Laaaaaame! I have to check in with Carly to make sure Ben F got a rose. At the cocktail party, Lucas spits game and Blake gets a rose for no reason. And with that, I have completely exhausted my reserves of energy. Also, Ashley is a hag for not giving Ames a rose. After all he’s been through!

Hour 2: Carly

Mr. Carly McElroy. I don't know how this happened. I'm not a scientist.

Before we begin, I need to get something off my chest. In the interest of the fair and balanced reporting (LOL) we stand for here at NSOP, I must disclose that I am basically in a relationship with Ames. It’s true. This morning, while switching from the local to the express at the West 4th street stop, Ames and I crossed paths. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but we definitely locked eyes and he definitely smiled at me. I think based on the rate at which relationships progress in Bachelor-land, that means we’re basically pre-engaged. I know, I know, I’ve only ever had negative things to say about Ames, but what can I say? The heart wants what the heart wants.

Time for the 2 on 1 date! I’m sincerely hoping for some drama because even with a hospital trip, this has been a supremely boring episode so far. Ben and William try to trash talk, but even they seem like their hearts aren’t in it. Come on guys! On the last date someone went to the emergency room! Where’s the effort?

Picnic time. Ashley sits alone with William. I always wonder what the other date does during these moments. They’re not allowed to have cell phones, so it’s not like Ben C. is playing brick breaker or something. Isn’t he bored? Back on their one-on-one time, William tells Ashley that Ben C. is itching to leave and that he is not ‘there for the right reasons.’ Before asking even a single follow up question, Ashley marches over to Ben and sends him home without giving him the chance to defend himself.

The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about online dating. Or something.

Back at the picnic, Ben is understandably confused. Ashley tells him that she heard he once mentioned how he might online date after this, and she has a zero tolerance policy for dudes who entertain thoughts of a future without her. Naturally. Ben C. responds that he has been taking this seriously, and that if a comment like that was made it was in jest. Ashley doesn’t care, and I am disappointed that Ben the lawyer wasn’t able to draw up a stronger defense. Bye Ben! 

Dinner time! William keeps interviewing about how proud of himself he is, but then tells Ashley that he’s really upset about what he ‘had to do’ earlier today. Ugh. Shut up, William. I used to want to root for you. Not anymore! AAAAAAAMES!

Ashley looks really bored every time William is talking. I don’t blame her. He’s says “I’m a 30 year old boy!” as if being a child trapped in a man’s body is just the most charming thing ever. Be a grown up! Get a real job! Ashley interviews that she’s just not feeling the spark with him and promptly sends him home. Good girl.

See?! I know you know how to be stupid happy.

William gives a really strange curse-filled exit interview. He’s sad to ‘go back to nothing’ where he ‘doesn’t deserve anything’ and he’s just going to go back to that dark place where he ‘goes to bed and then never gets up.’ Whoa! I know you’re a cell phone salesman in small time Ohio, but there’s no need for that! Think of all the Bachelor mixers you are going to get to to go now! And hey! There’s always Bachelor Pad! Reach for the stars!

Cocktail party! Ashley interviews that she’s feeling insecure. I’m shocked. She is bumming around the cocktail party looking like she just had a lobotomy and all the guys can tell. Also her hair looks terrible. Use a brush, girlfriend! She sits down with Ryan so he can make sure she knows how much he digs her. I can’t focus on anything because the Chiang Mai nature is making so. much. noise. It sounds like there are monsters tearing dreams apart in the background.

I'm concerned.

Constantine and Ashley talk and he tells her he feels closer to the guys than he does to her. D’oh! He interviews that he feels pretty friendly toward her. He tells the guys he doesn’t want to do a home town date unless he’s sure he’s serious. Look at Constantine, talking like a reasonable human being! Also, Ashley is still looking like her brain has short circuited during all of this. Are we sure she didn’t also suffer a head injury? Maybe she banged her head against a wall in solidarity for Ames. That would have been nice to see.

JP time! I like him so much. He continues to say all the right things and be adorable and she cuddles right up and FUCKING Ashley interviews that even while she’s cuddling up on the hotness, she’s thinking about BENTLEY! You have to be kidding me! He was a nightmare! JP is so hot! The winemaker MAKES WINE! Blake is a dentist! Bentley was mediocre at best and also is a sociopath! This girl better change her tune or I’m going to take Ames away from her. Privilege. Not a right.

This is just a very scientific portrayal of the before and after effects of Bentley on Ashley.

Ashley sits with Chris and bitches about Bentley. Chris is visibly disappointed in her. She needs closure from that two week relationship. This whole story line is ruining this season. It’s not funny to watch a sad, insecure girl get manipulated to the point of looking like a fool. We want to watch dumb, pretty people fall in love for six weeks and then we want to read about the scandals for another 3 weeks and then we want to forget about them. THIS IS NOT WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT. Harrison, you should put a stop to this. You’re on notice.

Ugh. Whatever. Rose ceremony. Stupid face gives a dumb speech about honesty. No one cares. You are the worst. First rose goes to Constantine. Lucas, for his sexy golf moves. JP, because DUH. Ames because he went to the hospital for her (HI AMES!!!!!!!) Mickey, because we all saw what he looked like doing sit ups. One rose left! Ryan and soul patch remain. And it goes to Ryan! Bye soul patch! I’ll miss your ill advised facial hair, terrible frosted tips and insane shoulders.

Nick (nee soul patch) gives a sad interview. Oh Nick. You’ll find a nice girl who just wants to be bench pressed. It’s going to be fine.

LYLAS, Nick!

Next week: the wench and her men go to Hong Kong. Bentley is there. I don’t think I need to tell you how much rage is coursing through my veins.

End tag: Ben C. plays the baby grand piano while William complains into a hand held camera. “This is the music that I am going to die to.” – William. Mannn now I like you again!

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