“The Bachelorette,” Season 7 Episode 6: Did you know that if you say the word “closure” 2 billion times, you’ll have it?

Hour 1 – Carly

I know, we’re late. It’s unacceptable, and I welcome your judgmental glares. To be fair, we have been busy doing semi-important things like finding somewhere to live. NOT THAT I’M MAKING EXCUSES. Also, full disclosure: I may have taken a melatonin sleep aid supplement 15 minutes prior to editing this, so I’d do yourself a favor and set the bar reeeeal low before jumping into this nightmare with me.

Previously on The Bachelorette. Bentley was a psycho, Ashley was predictably stupid and Chris promised Ashley that he’d do his best to talk the a-hole into accepting a free vacation to Hong Kong to extend his 15 minutes of fame and watch an insecure girl look like a fool. Gee! I wonder what he’ll do!

We open with lots of shots of Ashley standing pensively while the background crowds move around in fast forward. I love when the Bachelorette editors get artistic.

Chris shows up at Ashley’s room and knocks with purpose. DAMNIT! I was so certain that by taking the first shift I would avoid having to cover this Bentley nonsense. Sarah has instructed me to keep it light, so I’m going to do my best. A mushroom walks into a bar, and someone’s like FUNGI! That’s a joke, right? Bentley is in the hotel. Ashley can’t believe it. Chris instructs her to not leave the room with any questions. He also tells her that Bentley “flew half around the world…. for [her].” CHRIS!

This is definitely what love looks like.

Here we go. Ashley tells us that if Bentley wants to stay she will let him. After staring at his door for about 3 minutes, she knocks. Of course he kisses her when she comes in and of course he also says that he flew around the world for her. Can we stop pretending like going to Hong Kong and staying in a super nice hotel is such a sacrifice? Listen, Ashley, I would also fly around the world for you if I was given the chance, and I like you even less than Bentley does.

Ashley wants to know what the “dot dot dot” meant. He doesn’t really give her an answer and mostly just mumbles about how she could come to Salt Lake if she wanted once she’s done with all this. Shockingly, Ashley stands up for herself and tells him that that’s not a fair answer. Still, he won’t just say he’s not interested. Finally, after Ashley puts on her mask and gets out her tools and yanks all his teeth out (LOLZ get it? She’s going to be a dentist. Do you get it?) he’s like ‘OK so we’re praaaaaaaahbably not going to happen.’ And then Ashley sort of yells at him! I mean it’s all very watered down and not nearly the dressing down that this crazy pants deserves, but at least it’s a step in the right direction. She also says “fuck you” to present Bentley in an interview, and that merits a half hearted ‘yay Ashley’ from me.

Fun fact: when you search "Lucas Bachelorette," this is one of the results. Not even Google knows what he's still doing there.

AMES! Oh haaaaay! He gets the date card and reads that the first one-on-one date is going to Lucas. Ashley meets up with him looking like she put on a decent peasant top, then got mauled by a jaguar and decided to just go with it. They go through a market and Lucas gives an exhaustingly specific play by play of Every. Single. Thing. They saw and/or tasted.

Dinner at sea! Lucas wants to dance, make out and get a rose. I want one or both of them to fall overboard. Lucas talks about being divorced and how hard it all was. It’s really hard to focus because the camera is rocking along with the waves and it’s all very hypnotizing.

Back in the hotel room (how bad do you think it smells in there?), Blake and Ryan are bitching about not having one-on-ones. The winemaker picks up the date card and reveals that both Blake and Ryan are going on the group date and the solo operation is going to JP! Holla!

On the boat, Ashley gives Lucas a rose for literally no reason and then they peck and Lucas makes it super awkward…I guess because they didn’t mack hard enough for the first time? Then he has to awkwardly ask her to let him kiss her again? You are taking some serious steps in the wrong direction, Lucas.

Group date! They are going to be doing a dragon boat race? Apparently that means that they have to scrap together a team of 8 to help row the boat. Ashley divides the men into teams: Blake and Ryan, Ames and Mickey, and Constantine and Ben. Team Groban is struggling to get people to listen. Ames and Mickey find an actual dragon boat team to race with them because Ames fails at NOTHING. Ryan continues to be happy for no reason and Blake continues to be bothered by that. Then the Grobans give up entirely and decide to just buy silly outfits and see what happens. Sorry, Ames, I’m rooting for the flowing locks.

Team Groban = Team fun. Because nothing says fun like adult contemporary.

Race time! Ames and Mickey’s team and Ryan and Blake’s team are neck and neck. Team Groban is just there to have a good time. Lots of chanting and singing. In the end the trophy goes to Ames and Mickey, obviously. Team Groban is still leisurely rowing in a lazy zig zag route. That’s fine. That trophy will look really good on our mantle when Ames and I are married in like two weeks.

A couple gets engaged on the beach, so Ashley has another chance to make all the men uncomfy by reminding them that she will be forcing one of them to pretend to want to marry her in a few weeks.

Post dragon boat race after party! Uh oh. You guys. I think Ames is about to cheat on me. He takes Ashley into an elevator and totally takes her to mack town! He won’t even let her talk! AMES! Getting aggressive!

J.P.’s date card arrives. He’s excited and, in case any one was concerned, still sexy to a distracting degree.

Ames.. He's so hot right now. Ames.

Back on the date, Ashley is really logging some miles on the action express. She and the winemaker are getting cozy and making out. I can’t believe that Ashley got a winemaker, a JP, and a set of rock hard abs (Mickey) all in one season. Not. Fair. Oh and also Ames. I still love you Ames. We’re going to make this work.

The boys are all complaining about Ryan. Once again, someone makes the comment that if he gets a rose they’re just going to leave. That argument makes absolutely no sense, and also guarantees that Ashley is going to give the rose to Ryan. Aaand she does! All the dudes are severely disappointed. I still do not get what the problem is. He’s kind of annoyingly upbeat I guess? But that’s not the worst thing in the world!

Aand that’s hour one. I’m still awake!

Hour 2 — Sarah

Ashley is beaming about her date with JP. Is it in her contract that she’s not allowed to call the whole thing off if she figures out who her man is going to be halfway through the season? They meet up and head to a picnic in a location that looks suspiciously like the same temple where she and Ben F got their swerve on.

JP, if you get sick of Ashley's nonsense, call me!!!!!!!

Chatting. Ashley wants to know if JP, who agreed to participate in a reality show competition whose object is to marry off the eponymous bachelorette, likes her or like likes her. JP is really good at rolling with Ashley’s various insecurities, and still genuinely seems to like her, so just get married already. He also has an interesting mouth. Guys, I don’t know what it is about this dude, I loooooove him! Ashley has a confession to make. “I saw Bentley two days ago, here in Hong Kong,” she says, and JP gives her the most amazing “…bitch?” look I’ve ever seen.

"Hi. We're the Grobanoffs."

If only that were the end of it, but Ashley won’t shut it about how she was totes in love with Bentley, but it’s cool because she got closure! I understand if she feels like she needs to disclose that he visited her. That’s her prerogative. But it’s not like they boned while he was in Hong Kong. Like, the men all know she’s dating a bunch of them at once. You think the Grobanoffs don’t know that their girlfriend has seven boyfriends? For the men to get upset about Bentley coming back to promote his trampoline business or whatever the eff just seems like they’re missing the point. Of the entire show.

With that case closed, Ashley and JP get to the mack talk. Ashley, take him to your hotel room! (What, who said that?) Wait, now they’re going on a train ride? I thought they were…at the hotel having dinner? They take the trolley to the middle of nowhere and make out on a promontory. I thought it was a hard and fast “Bachelor(ette)” rule that there could be no more than 2 changes of scene/activities on a single date. JUST TAKE HIM TO YOUR HOTEL ROOM! This guy can help.

The following evening, Ashley and her liberated conscience/boobs take a boat to meet the guys at some kind of dragon-themed bar and grill. I mean, it looks like a PF Chang’s. Never one to pass up the opportunity to ruin a good time, Ashley immediately tells the guys that Bentley came to Hong Kong. The men are all clearly pissed. Lucas in particular is really going after her, and I am a bit confused about why he’s so angry when they had their first date the day before yesterday. JP is the voice of reason, reminding them she didn’t have to tell them anything (for real — she didn’t cheat on them, unless being a bit of an insecure, pliable, easily manipulated bag of mush = cheating). The men really start working themselves up about how they’re over here, in Hong Kong, getting punched in the head all the time (well, Ames has a point there) and having to compete for her attention, while Bentley just rolls up in a plane and gets to hang out with her in his hotel room.

This is all sort of fair, but at the same time — you’re on a free vacay in Southeast Asia! Literally your only obligations are to get drunk and tongue kiss Ashley! Moreover, does coming on this show require that you accept that the person you like will be dating anywhere from 1 to 15 other people at the same time they’re dating you? IT SURE DOES! If you don’t like it, actually leave, Lucas and Mickey. Obviously it is nigh impossible to fall in love on this show; that’s why no one actually stays together once it’s over. Ooh, and I have a very clear memory of the dudes sitting around while Bentley talked about how as soon as he kissed Ashley she’d be toast, and nobody thought to warn her about him then. If they were as fooled by Bentley as she, they ought to be a bit more sympathetic. If they weren’t and they saw how nakedly manipulative and craven he was, and they didn’t say anything to her, they can FUCK OFF.

Bye! Remember what I said about smiling!

Blake takes Ashley aside and makes her cry, and then is like “Oh, don’t!” and hugs her. Then he lets her go and just sort of stands there smirking while she sniffles, so I guess he got what he wanted? Mickey tells Ashley he feels lied to. Honestly, she should just turn this rose ceremony into a total bloodbath and send home everyone but JP. Ashley challenges Mickey to put his money where his mouth is and bounce. He does. The background music clearly wants us to feel sad about this, but I don’t see a downside. If you can’t deal with the show, and I can think of a zillion reasons why that would be the case, don’t be on it! Easy as pie! I choose not to appear on this show every day of my life.

Ashley sits the remaining guys down and gives a speech during which she apologizes for the entire premise of “The Bachelorette.” It is astounding to me how much power she gives away every week. Mollified, the men all agree very solemnly to stop being so hard on the woman WHO THEY ARE TRYING TO CONVINCE TO KEEP THEM AROUND ON THIS AWESOME VACATION/MEET THEIR PARENTS/BONE THEM IN THE FANTASY SUITE/ACCEPT THEIR PROPOSAL. Ashley has an H2H (heart to heart, duh) with Harrison. Haha. Hebert 2 Harrison. H2H.

"But— but— girls usually like it when I make them feel terrible!" - Blake has the maddest game.

All right, rose ceremony. Who’s out? Get rid of em all! With one rose remaining, it’s down to Ames and Blake, and you know Ames isn’t going home after the elevator sexytimes. Ashley is a functioning human woman, after all. So it’s Blake who’s out of there, surprising no one. Maybe try a little less hard to make the girl you’re dating feel like a terrible person on your next competitive dating show, Blake. In his exit interview, he basically says that the fact that Ashley brought Bentley to Hong Kong means that she’s a terrible person, and I’d like to remind everyone that Ashley seemed to be expecting a phone call and did not make any of the travel arrangements. Whatever, on to the next one. Next WEEK, that is. This disaster train is headed straight for Taiwan!

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