“The Bachelorette” Season 7, Episode 7: Song of the Grobanoffs

Hour 1 – Carly

Remember when Kermit Kasey got dumped and then left on a GLACIER? The stakes were so high! It's like I don't even know you anymore, Bachelorette.

Why hello there! Welcome back to The Bachelorette. Last week we were given a brief reprieve to watch fireworks, drink beer and revisit fond memories of seasons past, when you at least thought about believing Chris when he said it was going to be the MOST. DRAMATIC. _____. EVER.

Tonight: JP gets very jealous, Ames wears a sequined suit (oh haaaaay!) and the formerly likable Emily comes on to talk to Chris and probably makes me hate her.

We’re in Taiwan. Ashley recaps the remaining dudes as we watch their shaky cam travel. As Ashley says what she like about them, we are treated to cute footage of them goofing off en route. Except for Ames. Apparently Ames did not do anything cute the entire trip because when she talks about him, we see footage of him…smiling? No, that’s not what this is. Grimacing? No that doesn’t seem right either. He’s just baring his teeth.

Date card! Constantine is getting another one-on-one. JP is pissed. He can’t wait to bring her back to New York. Ick. Speak for yourself, JP.

Ashley meets Constantine at a train station. They are taking a steam engine out to a small villa outside of Taipei. Not. Fair. The train really looks like the Hogwarts Express, which is making me even MORE jealous of what is happening. OMG YOU GUYS HP7 PART 2 COMES OUT THIS FRIDAY ! Midnight showing? Midnight showing. I don’t want to get too intense here, but I’m probably going to be crying for the next 10 days at least.

What? Oh Bachelorette. Constantine and Ashley are going to send up a floating lantern.  Which means they are going to decorate the lantern, make a “love wish,” light it on fire and then send it off into space to see if all their dreams come true.

Don't Ignore the Warning Signs: A short play. "Ames, look at me. Look at me, Ames. Ames. Look at me. Look at me, Ames. WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING?"

Back at the hotel, Ames reads the date card, which is for the winemaker. He appears to have some trouble deciphering what the note actually says. Between him suddenly forgetting how to smile and becoming seemingly illiterate, I’m a little worried that the concussion is having some lasting effects.

Ashley and Constantine are at dinner. She talks about how she likes him because he doesn’t try to make her like him. Yeah, because he’s not into you! He has said this before! Remember when she was like, yo.. do you like the guys better than me? And he was like YOU BETCHA! Like, Bentley was a jerk because he tried to convince her that he loved her. Constantine has pretty much openly said at least a few times that he’s not really sure they have chemistry… and she asks him to stay! Of course he’s going to accept! He and Ben the winemaker are bromancing so hard! Why wouldn’t he keep that going!

Constantine continues to be honest, talking about how he’s still not really sure about them but he’s open to it. She asks him if he thinks they could have a future, and he responds “if I fall in love.” As if that isn’t the most non-committal, inoffensive way of saying praaaaahbably not. And of course she’s that’s all it takes for her to be in lurveeee with him. They release their floating lantern, and then a bunch of others go up at the same time…and now I’m reminded of Tangled (shutupyoudontknowitsactuallyreallygoodzacharylevicallme!) Ugh, why do they keep on bringing up all my favorite movies? Insult to injury, much?!

But seriously:

What? Oh right. Constantine is trying really hard to convince himself and us that his lantern wish wasn’t that Ashley would transform into the winemaker so they could really get this party started. Constantine, I like you, but you are a liar.

Aw, man! Ben is so much cuter when he covers that weave up.

After the break, Ashley meets Ben for their one-on-one. They are going to explore the city on a moped. Ben drives and Ashley hangs on to him, which she likes because “it made [her] feel like he was protecting her. Like he was the man.” Ew. They stand on a bridge and make out for a while. Ben is pretty clearly smitten with her, though I can’t for the life of me understand why.

Man zone! It’s time for the group date card. Ames, Lucas and JP are going on the date, which means that Ryan P. finally gets to hang out with Ashley one-on-one to find out how little she actually likes him.

Dinner date! Ben likes Ashley! Ashley likes Ben! That’s pretty much all that is covered here. He’s obviously moving on to the hometown dates. He says all the right things and is cute and OH YEAH MAKES WINE. I think Ben and JP are clearly the only ones here that actually care for Ashley. I wonder if she’ll be able to keep them around with the promise of sweet indifference hanging around all the other guys.

It’s morning and Ben has not yet returned from the date. JP is LIVID. None of the other guys seem to care. Lucas mainly cares that JP is going to harsh his mellow on the group date. Ben returns and keeps pretty mum about what went on and JP straight up storms out. OK JP, you’re still my front runner… but you did sign up for this, so maybe don’t be shocked when she’s going out with other dudes. You’re all on contract for another 4 weeks, it’s going to happen.

Group date! Ashley is taking the men to take wedding photos. COME ON! Really? Ashley! This is already the second date where you are making the dudes play wedding? If I were on this date, you can bet your ass there would be a big-ol Carly-shaped hole in the wall.

I love fake wedding pictures almost as much as the men do.

Lucas is in a floor length dress-like garment. Ames is in the aforementioned sequinned suit and JP is in…. a tuxedo. Lucas and Ames are pretty good sports considering they have to stand next to JP looking Bond-fly. First up is Lucas, who is doing the traditional Taiwanese wedding deal. JP’s vein is actually popping out of his neck as he watches Lucas and Ashley share the most chaste kiss in Bachelor(ette) history. Ames and Ashley’s fake wedding looks like a party I would like to attend. Ashley and Ben are in the more traditional American wedding gear, and JP can’t get into it. He’s acting like a baby with all the pouting and stomping around, and it’s not a good look for him.

Cocktail party! All their wedding photos are displayed and OH GOD AMES WHAT ARE YOU WEARING??? Are those red pants? You are lucky we have such a deep, spiritual connection. There is a rose on this date, which makes everyone feel uncomfy.

Lucas sits down with Ashley and talks about how not fun her stupid dress up date was. She’s very confused by that, because Ashley lives in crazy fairy land where the only thing men love more than getting married is practicing getting married while other dudes watch.

STOP. IT.

Ames has brought family photos to show Ashley, including a childhood pic which is just the cutest! We’re going to make such pretty babies! What? Who said that?

Ugh. You stop it too. Except not. Forever.

JP and Ash time. The Jape talks about how hard this all is. He sounds like he’s going to cry as he brings up the fact that Ben spent the night with her. Ashley feels bad so she gives him the rose. Between the temper tantrum and the sad-face jealousy act, JP is dropping a few notches in the attraction department…. Until I look at a picture of him. Nevermind! Still a big bowl of hotness.

 

Hour 2 — Surrah

I know Carly’s not feeling well and so I don’t begrudge her the first hour, but I’d just like to point out that I have to contend with Ashley’s one on one with Ryan, who she clearly doesn’t care about, and the return of Emily Maynard and the Ghost of Boyfs Past. Meanwhile, Carly gets BOTH GROBANOFFS.

There are hardly any pictures of these two together, and this one is not from their date. The writing's on the wall! Send him home!

Ashley and Ryan meet in a square and then walk through a place of worship while people are actually trying to, like, pray and stuff. What if it was a funeral? Naturally, Ashley and Ryan find some kind of matchmaking altar to chuck things at and otherwise co-opt Taiwanese culture to make their reality show dating contest feel more spiiiiiiritual/legitimate. They throw some red crescent-shaped things on the ground and the things land close to each other, which is apparently bad? Just try to picture it in your mind’s eye, because there is no photo documentation of this date on the internet as of this writing.

Later on, the two of them sit on some steps while Ryan attempts to explain tai chi to Ashley. “I like Ryan because he’s a positive person,” Ashley says for the second time. The stock Bachelor “Ruh roh, this date sucks!” soft rock kicks in, and we are rescued by a commercial break. When we return, Ashley and Ryan are walking to a picnic that has been set up for them in a lovely looking garden. The stock Bachelor “Hang on, this might be okay after all and also we are still in East Asia” music noodles in the background. Ryan gives Ashley a mini lecture on energy conservation. She and the producers tune him out. To be fair, she is the one who asked for it. Ashley thanks him for dropping knowledge and then gets to the dumping.

This is a Google Image result for "love in the wild" and, I mean, yes.

She cries. Ryan is sad. I’m sad. This is sad. Note to future Bachelor/ettes: do not keep someone around until this late in the game without a one on one date, finally take them on a date and make them super excited about wooing you, and then dump them the way you were planning to all along. Just do it at the rose ceremony! At least there, given the time constraints of the show, you don’t have to explain yourself while they cry in the middle of a strange city. Ryan interviews that he’s shocked, that he doesn’t want to be alone, that he felt like she was the one. Saaaaad face. He is absolutely crushed, and I don’t like it. Also, the producers would have us believe that he has to find his way back to the hotel on foot? [Sidebar: I hope everyone who is watching this is also watching “Love In The Wild” as an antidote, because that show rules. And half the contestants are from Scottsdale, AZ., so I get to feel very proud throughout.] NO! THEY ARE MAKING HIM HAIL A CAB? ACTUALLY EFF YOU GUYS.

Back at the hotel, everyone pretends they are surprised to see Ryan go. It’s Hebert 2 Harrison time. Ashley is like “eff the cocktail party, Lucas is outta here.” Well, she doesn’t say the second part, but letz B real. Harrison goes to the lounge or whatever where the guys are hanging out and very somberly says “…There will be no cocktail party tonight.” Maybe I’m projecting, but a few of the dudes look a little put out about all the free alcohol being denied them this season. And to those dudes I say caaaaaaaaall me. I will never cancel a cocktail party.

Hahahahahahaha also call me? (Not my handiwork, but boy do I wish it was.)

Rose ceremony. The drums of “What if this was an exciting martial arts action movie instead???” are going ca-razy. The following men get roses, in this order: Grobanoffs (Constantine first, which is surprising since Ben is the one who apparently sexed her up), JP, Ames. Lucas doesn’t even look that surprised, though for some reason he looks hotter than he ever has before? Darn it all.

Also, you may have noticed that we are only at the hour and a half mark. This is because, in a gross miscalculation, the show has concluded that our hearts are still so raw from the Brad/Emily breakup that we would watch half an hour of Emily Maynard basically announcing her candidacy for the next “Bachelorette” after the actual show has ended. Now, I am nothing if not dedicated, so I will watch it, but I will not recap it with the same level of attention to detail, depth and wit that I bring to my other recaps. (Gurl, you know that’s all true! Maybe!)

She is DEFINITELY here for the right reasons.

Emily is already crying. My face is itchy. The humidity on the East Coast is making my skin freak out. Brad was/is a gentleman. They are not engaged. A reference to Bentley’s “dot dot dot.” KILL ME. Issues with moving to Austin. “Heart-breaking.” “High expectations.” Harrison can’t handle all of the emoting so he throws it to a commercial. I sit through a lot of nonsense as a consequence of my devotion to this dumb dumb dumb reality TV franchise. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, if I’m going to have to deal with this next season, save it for next season. PLEASE. And I loved Emily. We’re back from commercial. Paparazzi. Brad and Emily still text. Carly has a stomach ache. I would like a second beer. Emily’s sad. I’m sad. And congested. Carly’s lying on the floor.

Next week: someone’s dad throws dollar billz at Ashley. JP’s mom is AMAZING to look at. Seriously, I want to be her when I am a lady of a certain age. End tag: a stray dog walks by Constantine and Ashley and pees on their love lantern. That about sums it up. See you in a week!

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