Hour 1 – Sarah
I am going to wager that both Carly and I have spent the past week fervently hoping that we will get to recap the visit to Ames’s hometown. WHO WILL WIN???
Just a note: I’m already typing through tears, because Carly was kind enough to cook dinner and just chopped up some very potent onions. It looks like everyone’s mom is ready to give Ashley a really hard time. Do you think they’ll all understand about Bentley?
First, we travel with Ashley to her apartment in Philly. There’s a shot of her coming home to THREE PIECES OF MAIL. Hahahahaha talk about the life of a spinster. She recaps the great things about her four boyfriends to the millions of viewers who are just tuning in now. She does seem to really like everyone, and they all appear sincere about her. Except Constantine. Who, you’ll remember, Ashley likes precisely because of how uninterested he is in her.
Speak of the devil – our first hometown visit is with Constantine, in CUMMING, GEORGIA. I mean. Ashley pretends that there’s something other than his pickup artist level of detachment that attracts her to him. To be fair, if she has a serious Josh Groban fetish, Constantine would be pretty good at scratching that itch. He takes her to “his” “restaurant,” which looks like a Mom n’ Pop Olive Garden. I mean, even more Mom n’ Pop than Olive Garden tries to be already. Boooooooo! They make pizza. Could he not take the time to make her some pasta? Something fancier? I mean I’m not trying to brag or anything, but tonight Carly made me farfalle with feta cheese, sautéed onions, tomatoes, and spinach, and she’s not even trying to put a ring on it. Like, Constantine’s chyron has said “restaurateur” this entire season, which sounds fancy, and now I find out that he’s just franchising an Olive Garden?
They leave the restaurant and head to Constantine’s parents’ house. Ashley is carrying a bottle of wine (goooood girl) while Constantine’s family has a very normal and not at all scripted conversation about how much they’re looking forward to meeting her. Constantine’s father Dimitri is nonsense and I’d like to see more. Constantine’s mother demands that Ashley move to CUMMING, GEORGIA, immediately. Ashley LIES that she would totes be satisfied living in Cumming, Georgia for the rest of her life. Also, how come during Brad’s season the discussion centered on whether or not the contestants would move to his hometown, but when it’s a “Bachelorette” season she has to promise that she’ll move wherever the dude wants to go? Ugh! Feminism!
Everyone is maxing and relaxing on the couch when Constantine’s aunts/grandparents/nieces storm the place and everything pops off. They all do that dance from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and then Dimitri starts throwing dollar bills at everyone. Perfection. Ashley’s like “this has been great, but I still have to decide which two other dudes I’m going to bone in the fantasy suite next week” and bounces.
YES! I GET AMES’S FAMILY! Carly, maddened by jealousy, is already talking nonsense. “That’s my horse. That’s my house.” I have no idea where they are but it looks Connecticut-y and beautiful. (Update: Apparently it’s Pennsylvania.) Ames’s siblings, mom and nieces and nephews are all there, and I think everyone is drinking mojitos? Mom Jane is gorge, exactly the kind of crisp and vaguely disapproving (even when she’s happy!) dame I hope to evolve into someday. Ames’s sister grills Ashley about her commitment to her brother, and Ashley fully says to her that her relationship with Ames is progressing more slowly than “some of the others.” SOME OF THE OTHERS! We learn that Ames’s father died when he was very young, and then his stepdad also died of cancer. Oh, Ames! You are so sweet and easygoing and lost two father figures! I think I love you! (Ssh, don’t tell Carly about this.)
Ashley is like “Man, I really like Ames’s family. If only I was actually attracted to him!” I’m sorry, what? We all saw the elevator makeout sesh. It nearly killed Carly. Ames’s sister rats Ashley out to him and in the guise of giving him some pointers sort hints that “she’s just not that into you,” but Ames is just so earnest and concussed and I don’t think he gets it. His sister urges him to show Ashley the “Full Ames” or “FullAmes” or “Fuh-lames” or “FLAAAAAMES!”
The two of them say bye to the fam and head off for some alone time. Ashley seems much more at home and self-assured meeting the mens’ families than she has all season. Ames talks dirty to her about being a giant nerd growing up. Sing it! Although he might be a little dumber now, after his foray into muay thai. Ashley kisses him and tries to pretend that she’s into it but she is so clearly not. You’re not worthy, Ashley! They take a horse drawn carriage ride…somewhere. (Carly: “That’s my carriage.”) Ashley calls it a “storybook romance,” and it would be if I believed that she actually wanted to have sex with Ames someday.
Sonoma, California! Oh god, the wine. This is when Ben becomes my favorite, by far. I still love you Jape, but do you make wine? That’s what I thought. Ben takes her to his wine cellar and just, like, opens a spigot in a barrel and pours her a glass. Carly, you can have Ames. I’m literally packing a bag and walking to Sonoma. Smell you later. They have a conversation that I don’t pay attention to at all. “More wine!” —That’s me yelling at Ben through the television to bring me more wine.
Ben’s mom and sister are lovely. Ben’s sister is the one who signed him up for this mess, which, aww! Sort of! Uh, and then she’s like “I’m skeptical about whether or not this is real.” You are not allowed to feel weird about your brother being a contestant on a reality dating show if you made him do it. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution. Ben and his mother have an H2H, and Ben’s dead father is brought up and Ben is clearly trying to hold it together on camera and I don’t like it when there are real emotions on “The Bachelorette.” Carly and I agree that Ben needs this more than the Jape, and that we would both be willing/able to comfort him in the event that Ashley and Ben decide to spend the rest of their lives in a white wine-drunk haze. They would never get divorced! Also, can I have another glass of wine, please, Ben? It’s cool, we’ll talk later.
Hour 2: Carly Ames. Do you think he’ll let me take his first name?
Oh hiiiii! That was kind of emotional, wasn’t it? I feel for Ben, but I feel for Ames… if you know what I mean. Do you? Do you get it? Did you see the horse and carriage? Sarah and I are going to have such a tasteful double wedding to Ames and Ben. So much wine will be had. Ames will hopefully have received treatment and re-learned how to smile. You’re all invited. Pinot for everyone!
We’re in Long Island to visit Jape’s fam. He’s taking her roller skating. OK that’s kind of cute. Oh wait, BRB, Sarah just ordered two milkshakes and some cake soooo I have some things I need to take care of.
OMG YOU GUYS! Jape totally rented out the entire rink and got them to turn the lights off and fire up the disco ball ON HIS CUE! And the music of choice is REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling??????” I don’t even remember what Ames looks like anymore. JAAAAAAAAAPE!
Side bar: Have you guys seen the “Can’t Fight This Feeling” video? What the fuck is going on here?? Is he singing to the boy? Is he supposed to be the boy and he’s singing to the teddy bear? Who are those women with static for faces? Were those butterflies that just flew out of that guy’s jacket?
After some adorbz hand holding and falling into each others’ arms, JP and Ashley sit down for some wine and chatting in the middle of the rink. OK. I’ve calmed down. Ames, I’m sorry I said that. It was the heat of the moment! I never meant to be so bad to you! TAINTED LOOOVE!
After they’ve adequately discussed how JP’s ex stomped all over his heart and made his family hate her, Ashley heads to the house to meet his people. No pressure or anything. His family is totally cute. Mama Jape looks amazing and has a lot of questions for him. Apparently his ex really did a number on him, because she is literally all anyone in this house wants to talk about. Mom asks JP if he wants to propose, and he says he does and that he understands it might not work, and he wants his family to understand that too.
Mom sits down with Ashley and basically begs her not to break her son’s heart. Aw. I like this Ilene. Ashley does her best to assure her that this won’t happen without blatantly saying that she’s already decided she’s picking him. Mom seems satisfied and there’s a lot of squeaking from Ashley, so I guess they’re hitting it off? Once Ashley crosses a certain decibel it all starts to sound like white noise to me.
Oh man. Remember when Ames showed Ashley that cute picture of him as a kid? Well JP’s mom totally blows him out of the water (sorryAmesIstillloveyoucallme) when she brings out an enormous framed glamour shot of JP from his bar mitzfah. Holy moly. That is just beautiful. It’s so Kirk Cameron in “Growing Pains” that it hurts.
There’s some interviewing about how Jape isn’t quite ready to say he loves Ashley. I just don’t buy it. I’m pretty sure we’ve already heard him say he loves her like 10 times. Nice try, producers, but this is still the most predictable season ever.
We’re back at the mansion! Ashley and Chris reminisce about Bentley. Obviously. We had aaaaalmost gone a whole episode without talking about him, so I don’t know what I expected. Ashley goes on and on about how it’s all so far away now that it’s just hilarious – as if that shit didn’t go down like 10 days ago.
Now we have recap the 4 dates, because the Bachelorette editors assume that, like Ames, we are all suffering from head injuries. Constantine’s family was the funnest, Ames
is the richest would be the best husband, Ben has all the wine, and JP is perfect.
WHOA! Bachelor Pad is going to be effing crazy! The Jake and Vienna drama is going to be the best. “I hope she falls 3000 feet to her death.” – Good thing for a licensed commercial pilot to say on national television.
Rose ceremony! The guys all look really dapper, and even Ashley has managed to put on a cocktail dress that doesn’t look like it would be at home at the junior prom. Progress! Ooooh but you can kind of see her bra. Baby steps.
Ben gets the first rose. JP is next. Lots of dramatic music. Finally, Ashley calls Constantine. Ames looks so confused. He has a big, dopey grin plastered on his face but you can see that he does has no clue what the hell just happened. Aw man! You can’t put someone who has been concussed for the past 3 weeks through this! He seems so sad/unwell!
Limo ride. Ames is upset. He’s still just really confused, which is actually the worst way to feel when you’ve been kicked to the curb. He was so excited to share a lifetime of adventures with a beautiful woman, and now he’s back to a lifetime of adventures alone. No you aren’t! Meet me at the W.4th stop! I’ll be there every day! But only for like 2 more weeks because then I’ll be moving and will be on a different train. And also only for about 2 minutes between 8:30 and 8:45 while I wait for the express because, you know.. I have a job to get to. But that’s not the point, Ames. Don’t you want me to have a career of my own? I can’t rely on your riches forever. It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to US. HORSE AND CARRIAGE! JAAAAAAAANE!
Back in the mansion, Ashley tells the remaining men that they will be going to Fiji to bang it out in the fantasy suites. Next week: drama between Ashley and JP! Drama between Ashley and some family member who is ‘being such a BITCH!’ Drama between Ashley and one of the scorned men!
Well, that was sort of exciting? I’m not going to lie, Sarah spent her half of the recap researching where we could get milkshakes, and I spent the second half enjoying mine, so forgive us if this isn’t the most detailed of recaps. What I’m really trying to say here is Ames, call me.