Imaginary New York Times Headlines, Based On The Partial Headlines I Am Able To Read On My Phone

Key
Purple = 1/2 of a real headline sent to my phone, as I am too busy and important to click on the message and read the whole thing, hence —
Black = my sparkling original prose

News Alert: Obama and Boehner Divorce Wives, Ask Each Other to Marine Corps Ball

Politics: What Happened at the Bar Last Night????!?!?!?!?!?!

News Alert: Head of Scotland Yearns to Reunite With Body; Scotland’s Friends Host Fundraiser to Raise Headlessness Awareness 

News Alert: Judge Declares Million Mom March Needs Tighter Screening to Keep Out Mom Imposters

News Alert: Obama Calls Conga Line During Presidential Address Regarding bin Laden’s Death ‘Medium Inappropriate, Super Fun’

News Alert: House Spurns Obama’s Offer to Spoon While Watching “Step Up 2: The Streets,” Reminds Voters They Are Trying to Actually Watch the Dancing

News Alert: White House Annoys Area Man with Constant Partying, Noise From 24-Hour Slip N’ Side Course in Rose Garden

News Alert: Is an Obama-Boehner Boner Imminent?

News Alert: Suicide Bombers Forget It, Have Beer Instead*

News Alert: U.S. Economy Addresses the Haters

I am Thursday's child. Everyone is welcome!

*(That was the second coming of this, basically. I’M BRILLIANT. Sshh!)

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3 Responses to Imaginary New York Times Headlines, Based On The Partial Headlines I Am Able To Read On My Phone

  1. Greg Fitz says:

    That picture. My god.

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