Purple = 1/2 of a real headline sent to my phone, as I am too busy and important to click on the message and read the whole thing, hence —
Black = my sparkling original prose
News Alert: Obama and Boehner Divorce Wives, Ask Each Other to Marine Corps Ball
Politics: What Happened at the Bar Last Night????!?!?!?!?!?!
News Alert: Head of Scotland Yearns to Reunite With Body; Scotland’s Friends Host Fundraiser to Raise Headlessness Awareness
News Alert: Judge Declares Million Mom March Needs Tighter Screening to Keep Out Mom Imposters
News Alert: Obama Calls Conga Line During Presidential Address Regarding bin Laden’s Death ‘Medium Inappropriate, Super Fun’
News Alert: House Spurns Obama’s Offer to Spoon While Watching “Step Up 2: The Streets,” Reminds Voters They Are Trying to Actually Watch the Dancing
News Alert: White House Annoys Area Man with Constant Partying, Noise From 24-Hour Slip N’ Side Course in Rose Garden
News Alert: Is an Obama-Boehner Boner Imminent?
News Alert: Suicide Bombers Forget It, Have Beer Instead*
News Alert: U.S. Economy Addresses the Haters
*(That was the second coming of this, basically. I’M BRILLIANT. Sshh!)