The Bachelorette” Season 7, Episode 9: So weird, you guys — Ashley and JP both love beaches!

Hour 1: Carly

Tonight, on The Bachelorette. JP slings Ashley around a lot. Constantine is pretty hot. Someone returns… apparently Ben F. is going to just be boretown USA, as he makes no appearance in the opening scenes.

No.

Ashley arrives in Fiji in a propeller plane. She lands on the water and is carried by boat to a resort/spa. Deeeefinitely necessary. Definitely not just a farce to provide more opportunities for pensive staring. This journey started “years ago.” Or a few weeks. Close enough. She recaps the three dudes for us because she thinks we are all idiots.

Ben is sincere and honest and makes wine. He’s been through a lot (dad died) and knows who he is. And he makes wine. He wants to take down the emotional walls. And he makes wine.

Constantine is a giant he-man who makes Ashley feel like a leeetle girl (normal) and only kind of sort of cares about her. He communicates exactly what is on his mind (mild to non-existent interest) and she’s super attracted to him and wants to feel like an extra in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” forever.

And then there is JP, who is the hotness and who was willing to mack on her even when Bentley (drink!) dumped her ass. He makes her feel safe and secure, and since Ashley is a sad, lost (not as cute as a) puppy, that’s all she needs. Even the editors know this shit is over. The music soars as they montage Ashley and JP riding the mack train all over the world.

Obligatory  sad journaling shot. What do you guys think Ashley’s journal says? “Dear Diary, Life changing. Amazing. Journey. Reasons. Love, Ashley.”

Speaking of diaries, LOL:

Back from break and it seems Ryan P. has come to Fiji because he’s not sure she really gets how important tankless water heaters are. Sarah predicts that he is going to be the next Bachelor, though I am unconvinced that any girls will be able to feign excitement over him.

Ryan gives some fake as fake speech about how he wants to make sure Ashley is comfortable with her decision. Also, does she know that a tankless water heater operating at the same power level as a regular one can supply 1.6 gpm continuously, raising the water temperature by 30 °C??? DOES SHE?!

No Oscar for Ashley.

Ashley greets Ryan with a very overblown “I’M SO SURPRISED!”reaction. They sit down and he gives another dumb speech about how he’s 31 and no spring chicken and he’s ready to make her his wifey. He went home and cried for a while and then called Chris (Chris totes gives his personal digits to all the contestants. “Call me! Send pix! LYLAS!”) to ask him to let him come back. As he’s pouring his heart out, Ashley says nothing and stares blankly. This is not going well. Give her the good stuff! More facts about tankless heaters! Ryan says she should take some time to think and gives her his digits. “Sext me.” -Ryan

Ashley gives an interview where she pretends that she’s even going to give Ryan P. one second of a thought. Then she leaves to go see Ben F. and pick out names for their first wine together.

You're tacky and I hate you.

Ben and Ashley spend what appears to be most of their date applying sunscreen to each other on a yacht. Ben is rubbing sunscreen on her cleave for like 45 minutes. Isn’t that what the fantasy suite is for? I don’t want to be a part of this. After they finish (ewwww, but probably), they go snorkling. They hold hands, which really seems inefficient in terms of getting anywhere underwater. Lots of interviews about how this is totally what things would be like if they were married, which… no. Whatever. Ugh. Fiji is so pretty. Their relationship has changed. He likes her. She likes wine and also his flowing locks.

Next, Ben picks up Ashley for their dinner date. His beachwear is unfortunate. They both talk about how perfect the date was and how much they like each other. Ben interviews that he’s going to tell her he loves her tonight. And then he’s going to show her. If you know what I mean. Do you? Fantasy suite? Get it?

Do you feel dirty? I feel dirty.

Ashley pries and tries to get him to talk about the future. She spends several minutes finding confusing and non-direct ways of asking him if he’s going to put a ring on it. He basically says that he thinks if he gets to the end he’d probably want to make a commitment and propose. He’s super awkward as he finally kind of-sort of says he loves her? But not actually? Doesn’t matter for Ashley, she’s heard enough so she can bang him and not feel slutty about it. Obviously they accept the fantasy suit, and obviously they grossly make out in the hot tub before Ben carries his prize to the boudoir. Gross.

Constantine time! He’s moderately excited to see Ashley and then VERY excited to see a helicopter. Man, he is so happy to be flying around right now. He just keeps screaming about how awesome the view is while Ashley tries to pretend that any of his excitement has to do with her. “I have a greek god to my left and the crystal blue waters below me!” Kill yourself, Ashley.

Ryan stands on the waters edge and looks sad.  I didn’t initially think Sarah was right about him being the bachelor, but they are busting out all the standard bachelor “thinking” shots, so now I’m not so sure. This is week one b-roll if ever I’ve seen it.

Constantine and Ashley visit a waterfall and swim around in a lagoon. Again, he just seems so happy to be on an awesome vacation and not so happy about who he’s with. Ashley interviews that he’s still very closed off and their relationship is progressing too slowly. Right. Because he’s not interested. This is not rocket science, Ashley.

Ashley asks Constantine how many houses he looked at before he bought one. 108, he says. Whoa! How did you find the time? Your real estate agent must have haaaated you! He talks about how its an investment and he wanted to be sure and of course Ashley is like HE’S TALKING ABOUT MEEEEEE! She’s nervous about whether or not he’s ‘into this.’ He isn’t! How many times does he have to say it?!

How much time do you think Constantine spends drinking white wine and crying to Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me?" BENNNNN!

Dinner time! Ashley makes a toast about them getting to know each other and having more time, and of course as soon as Constantine takes a sip he’s like “Did you know my boyfriend, Ben makes wine? He’s so cool!” Ashley asks if its weird dating the same person as your friend, and he basically says that if Ben liked her he would probably just let it happen. Aww, what a good friend! Ashley continues to try to make Constantine love her, even when he straight up says he’s just not sure about her. Ashley still isn’t getting it, so he finally tells he won’t propose unless he’s really in love and that he isn’t in love with her now, and won’t be in love with her ever. He’s not going to go to the fantasy suite because he wants to respect her and–oh hey, Obama!

Well that was a very reasonable, well written, well spoken speech. Now back to these horrible people.

Constantine wants to leave. Ashley is not nearly as upset as I thought she would be. She thanks him for being honest, hugs him, and sends him on his way. What? No tears? Come on, Ashley. I expect more from you. This guy knows:

Over. It.

Hour 2 – Sarah

We’re in Fiji, and Ashley is feeling a lot of things. She claims to be hurt by Constantine’s departure but I see zero indication of it, especially since we’ve seen her bawl over just about every other dude. Her eyes are dry! Now that she’s rid of Tino (just something new I’m trying out), Ashley is like “Yeah, I guess I’ll hook up with Ryan” and heads over to the hotel motel Holiday Inn to see if they’ve lost that loving feeling or what. There could be something there, I guess. Ashley is really into conservation; you can tell because she’s usually only wearing half a shirt.

"I lack the fame-whoring Jake gene and the endlessly self-flagellating Brad gene, but I'm pretty sure the Jake/Brad latent rage gene is somewhere inside of me! BEST SEASON EVER!!!! *murdering noises*"

Ash and Ry, which is what they call each other, chat about how awesome their connection used to be. You remember, when they used to see each other for five minutes at a stretch during the cocktail parties. But now that they’re in Fiji, everything has changed and Ashley’s like “I’ve found true love…with my TWO other boyfriendzzzz! Normal!” Ryan takes it pretty well, but I think I would also be feeling pretty zen after spending a few days in Fiji, (presumably) not paying for anything. Ryan is sure that he will find love someday, and I am confident that at the very least that he will find “love,” since he is 110% the next Bachelor. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. I am already upset about the season stretching out before us.

Ashley meets her one true love JP and they LIKE EACH OTHER SO MUCH. Couldn’t Jape just propose in Fiji and then the finale could be all about dealing with the fallout? Well, “fallout.” They get on one of those planes that can take off in the water (whatever, I’m not a scientist) and fly to a private island. Ashley marvels at how easy it is for her and JP to sit in silence, which is not necessarily an encouraging sign to me, but Ashley and I do things very differently.

❤ u 4ever, Jape!

Here is the point where I would like someone to write a tell-all book about how “The Bachelor/ette” sausage gets made, because JP is like “I want this to be over, I want to win” and Ashley, even though she clearly likes him more than Ben, is like “What? What? What do you want me to say?” Is she contractually obligated not to make a choice until the finale, or does she just feel guilty about whatever weird stuff went down in the fantasy suite with Ben the other night? I mean, why else would she not just be like “Jape. It’s going down.” Maybe they edited it out? In Ali’s season I remember she told Chris to beat it before the final rose ceremony, but I don’t think she that happened until the final episode. Maybe that’s the cut off. Ugh, I’m so tiredddd, I just want to watch “The Real Housewives of New York Reunion Part 1!!!” [Edited to add: We did watch “The Real Housewives of New York Reunion Part 1, and it was awesome. Cindy and Alex are unbelievable hags. Kelly and Luann for president!]

Seconded!

Dinner. Ashley fakes out JP LIKE A MONSTER, telling him she let go of “two guys” before she tells him that Ryan came back, and clearly making him think that he was the last guy standing. Un. Be. Lievable. That better have been on producers’ orders. This, despite being horrible, manipulative, and mean, doesn’t slow down the Jape one bit. He talks about how winning the show isn’t the prize — she is the prize, which would normally raise my feminist hackles but on a competitive dating show where many men compete to date one lady, is EXACTLY CORRECT. Maybe if the dudes had treated her that way from the beginning, she wouldn’t have been distracted and then ensorcelled by Bentley. Ensorcelled. We finally get the Chris Harrison Fantasy Suite Pimp Card read aloud, which is what I’ve been waiting for all episode. (Carly, playing Angry Birds: “Go, bang it out! Bangalang! Slip into something more comfortable!” She’s so gross!)

But, you know, they totally do.

H2H. Recap of what we’ve just seen, sans Ashley’s confession that she effed both of them. Ben is great. She and JP both “have this thing about beaches,” which is actually pretty amazing given that so many people hate beaches. There’s some completely backwards nonsense about how Ashley feels the need to apologize to the men who sign up to date her for actually having to date “choose” her? Aaaaaahhh the show is so wasted on this girl!

Rose ceremony. Carly feeds me some chocolate cake. Just keeping it real.

"Just killing hookers all over the island, waiting for Ashley to pick a husband."

“A little rain, but it doesn’t dampen the beautiful time we’ve had here in Fiji,” Harrison says to the dudes. You came into the episode five minutes ago, Harrison — what were you doing this entire, “beautiful” time?

Ashley’s dress is cute. I also appreciate that her hair has looked realistically hideous for the duration of the episode, given the rain/humidity/tropical musk in which they’re all marinating. So, two guys. Two roses! OMG WATS GOING 2 HAPPEN? Ben and the Jape each accept one rose, and I accept that the production team thinks that everyone who watches this show has skulls full of glitter and greek yogurt instead of real brains.

Next week: Ashley calls her sister a bitch. Oh, show. I ain’t mad atcha!

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