“The Bachelorette” Season 7 Finale: Who Can It Be Now? (wah wah wah waaaaah wa-ah)

The moment of truth is here. After a season that included a masked man, a non-functioning alcoholic, emotional abuse from several different boyfriends at once (!) and, obviously, stupid Bentley, Ashley is going to choose one man to spend her post “Bachelorette” media tour the rest of her life with.

Will it be JP, whose shaved head and total coolness in the face of her many, many insecurities melted Ashley’s already very melty heart? Or will it be Ben, of the shaggy hair (free wine), sensitive soul (free wine), silly sense of humor (free wine) and free wine?

We won’t know, because we won’t be watching.

We know.

It’s not that we don’t want to be witnesses to the end of this beautiful process, or that we have soured on “The Bachelor/ette” altogether. Far from it. The problem is that over the weekend we moved into a new apartment, and the fascists at Time Warner Cable can’t switch our service to the new place for another week. They are also charging us a $40 “transfer of service” fee, so we are literally being punished for our loyalty to them.

So tonight, while Ashley waits for the two men she has chosen to propose to her (EVEN THOUGH AS THE BACHELORETTE SHE SHOULD OBVIOUSLY DO THE ASKING, MY GOD. #FEMINISM) and cries and checks her makeup and fixes her bangs and whines to Chris Harrison and probably brings up Bentley, we will be at our new neighborhood bar, eating sandwiches and drinking beer, before heading back to our place to try to unpack all of our earthly belongings. Maybe we will try to get them to turn one of the TVs at the bar to ABC; we haven’t really thought this through. [I checked the scene. Turns out, no TVs in this bar. Woops! –Carly]

We will of course be back to share our thoughts on Ashley’s final choice, and we haven’t decided whether or not we’re strong enough to recap “Bachelor Pad” (my vote, personally: not strong enough). [My vote, personally: too strong not to. I mean, Ames is in the cast. Let’s not be silly. –Carly] Either way, we will endeavor to discuss the finale with the same level of brilliance that we have brought to all the preceding episodes (very little brilliance) despite not really having watched it. And once the season is over, we will continue to bring you the finest in Lifetime Original Movie coverage, updates on our dogs’ inner lives, and stories of our super-dignified adventures in NYC.

Until then, friends. You were all here for the right reasons.

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