“The Bachelor” Season 16, Episode 2: Google Blakely. Just not at work.

Hour 1: Sarah

This week we are headed to Ben’s house in Sonoma, where, the promos tell us, we can expect a lot of making out in the pool and a looooot of crying. Ben is going to water the vines in his fields with 100% organic “Bachelor” tears.

Just another daaaaaaaaaaaaay!

As if being a wine maker wasn’t enough, Ben’s gorgeous home is enough to make me re-agree to marry him (it’s a little unclear if the ladies are staying in a guest house, or somewhere down the street. Either way, everything is beautiful beautiful beautiful. I want to go to there!). Almost immediately, Ben takes cute brunette Kasie B. (who I pegged as a possible front-runner in the premiere, what up!!!) on the first one-on-one date, and given the track record from previous shows (Ali Fedotowsky and Ashley Hebert both got the first one-on-one dates on their “Bachelor” seasons) these girls tend to go far. In the competition, and into the abyss of their own insecurities. Ben takes her to some place with a piano and they plunk away at the keys for thirty seconds and then leave. Is this a metaphor for Ben’s lovemaking? What Ben “gets from” Southern women, he says in an interview, is that they are very “family oriented.” He says this as though he is observing a different species in the wilderness. Or buying a brood mare.

THEN Ben takes her to a candy shop. THE CANDY SHOP! Gross!

Kasie B. faux-seriously confesses to him that when she was little, she used to twirl a baton, and oh look! She brought one with her! They twirl the baton in the middle of a deserted street. Could the producers not be bothered to plan a real date? I recall past first dates featuring whole circuses and/or live performances from Train. Where is Train? Not busy, I am SURE. That one song? Everyone’s over it. Plus, I bet Ben loves Train. He just seems like the type. At still another location, they talk about Ben’s dad over dinner, because if there’s one thing that the “Bachelor” crew loves, it’s dead parents. Back at the house, there’s a group date card and Blakely threatens some of the other girls with physical violence. “I didn’t come here to go on a date with 11 other girls,” she says. “I came to go on a date with Ben.” I know they all watch the show — why do they get so upset when the format is exactly the same every time?

Back on the one-on-one Ben pulls out the first rose, which he says is a “big deal” for him. Kasie B. ought to feel very special indeed, as she is the first girl on whom Ben will bestow a rose before laying the mack down. So special; unforgettable.

(This recap was brought to you in part by 50 Cent, apparently.)

They walk into an abandoned movie theater and sit down, and a highlight reel from Kasie B.’s life starts to play on the screen. This is exactly the kind of thing a serial killer would do in an episode of “Criminal Minds” before they MURDERED SOMEONE. There’s a Ben highlight reel too! He’s coming for you too, Ben! Kasie B. and Ben are rolling in the aisles, but if it were me I would be more interested in how they got all of this information on me. “Who do you work for?!” That’s what I would be yelling, but Kasie B. is starry-eyed and tearing up at footage of Ben’s dad. “I think I have found what could be a lifetime of love with Ben.” She’s going to win. Or at least make it to Top 3  the sex dates.

"I didn't come here to make friends. I came here to make strangers feel really bad about themselves for my personal gain."

Group date!!! Everyone gathers in the town square in Sonoma, and holy moses this place is picturesque. Today’s activity is performing a “play” written by “playwrights.” And who might these playwrights be? A bunch of children! “The Bachelor(ette)” looooves exploiting children, so I wasn’t surprised, but the ladies are shocked into silence. An obsequious young girl tells the women they’re going to have to audition for their “fairy tale,” which is a little on the nose even for this show. (Back at the house, it’s psychological warfare o’clock, as model Courtney tries to make horse enthusiast Lindzi feel bad that her connection with Ben sux compared to the instant attraction he clearly feels for her. “You can’t force it,” she says as Lindzi’s face falls. “I’m not going to beat a dead horse.” Courtney is an evil genius.)

AAAAAHHH it's too soon!!

On the group date the children make the ladies put on a bunch of ridiculous costumes and then they walk to some kind of multipurpose room “filled” with “audience members” who are “eager” to see the “play.” Wait, when did they have time to learn their lines? Oh, this is embarrassing. Ben is speaking with a plummy British accent, sort of, and changes into a bunny costume at one point? Monica the dragon (in costume for this episode) blows Ben’s clothes off? And he’s in his underwear on stage? In front of children? And all the “Bachelor” contestants get overwhelmed by the sexiness instead of really uncomfortable? Blakely says she wants to be with Ben for the rest of her life? I realize I’m ending a lot of sentences with question marks but oh my god what???

Cocktail Parteeeee!!! Blakely is going on and on about the rose that’s on the table. She’s obnoxious, but maybe the other girls don’t need to take her that seriously. There are a lot of veiled comments made about Blakely’s age. It’s not her age that is going to disqualify her from being Ben’s wyfe, it’s her psychosis. But also…her schtick is not anything that people need to retreat to the bathroom to whine about, Samantha.

The following day, Courtney gets a date card, and Kacie B. reads it to her. “Let’s spin the bottle,” the card reads. “How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?” Courtney asks. HA! Love you, Courtney. Kacie B. is affronted because she already went on a one-on-one date and Courtney has no idea what happened between her and Ben. YEAH, Courtney. What if Ben got an HJ between the baton twirling lesson and the family photo slideshow? What say you now?

This is the same swimsuit Blakely wore for that cocktail party. For your reference.

Ben takes Jennifer into the hot tub and the sensual guitars of “two people are about to make out in a tub of standing water” begin to play. They obey their musical cue. An indeterminate amount of time later, Blakely tells the camera that she is a Scorpio, which makes her “passionate” and “a great lover” and then makes out with Ben in another tub of standing water. Yuckkk! An indeterminate time after THAT, Ben has put a t-shirt on and is talking to the ladies very seriously, as though they weren’t just watching him kiss two separate women in the span of a half hour. And in the end, Blakely gets the rose! “Is he really as sleazy as this makes him seem?” all the girls’ expressions read. “I think Blakely pulled the wool over the sheep’s eyes,” some girl interviews. Even Carly, who doesn’t understand any idioms, knows there’s something fishy about that turn of phrase.

Hour 2: Carly

"I will murder you in your sleep." -Scotch

It’s time for ice queen Courtney to have her date with Ben. He has decided to bring his adorable dog, Scotch, along for the ride – presumably to see if Courtney can handle sharing the spotlight with someone better looking than her.  The three of them drive to the woods and wander around aimlessly for a while. An exciting date for an exciting couple! Ben picks up Scotch and howls until he joins in. OMG SARAH AND I TOTALLY PLAY THIS GAME WITH OUR DOGS! WE’RE SOUL MATES, ALL THREE OF US! Courtney pretends like she isn’t thinking about wearing Scotch as a coat. ‘I think we’ll keep him!’ she coos. ‘Go fuck yourself,’ Scotch says. In fact, just as Ben and Courtney start to have a real conversation, Scotch howls in disapproval. You and me, both, Scotch. Ben wraps the pup in a blanket and Courtney does the whole ‘you’re going to be such a good daaaaaaaaaaad!’ thing. Then they kiss, and Scotch whines again, because he is smarter than everyone else on the show.

Elementary, Flajnik

Night time. Ben has dropped Scotch off so he can have his nightly bourbon and bubble bath, and so he can shit talk Courtney all over the interwebz. Ben and Courtney talk about how this is the best date evahhh. They walk through the vineyard, and of course its fucking beautiful, and candle-lighty and magical and what not. Ben talks about how he graduated from the University of Arizona (“GET ME A TIME MACHINE!” –Sarah) and after that he was just a party animal until he went on the Bachelorette and television fixed him. Ben wants to know why someone as dumb as Courtney is still single. She makes sure he knows it’s not for lack of interest: “Oh yeah, I had an actor, a photographer..” The conversation is absolutely sparkling as Courtney says she’s seen it all, including finding someone else’s underwear in her bed. “Wow, that sounds tough.” “Yeah. It is tough.” Powerful stuff. Ben thinks Courtney is perfect, of course, and so he offers her the rose and they kiss and Scotch loads a gun and puts on his isotoners all DON’T WORRY I GOT THIS.

Cocktail party! Who thinks Courtney is going to monopolize Ben in some one on one time, just to piss off everyone else? Guys, I kind of love her.

Yep. Stay classy, Blakely.

Lindzi steals some time with Ben. “How’s your week been here?” “Good. I mean I grew up on a farm,” Lindzi explains for… no reason. She says it’s weird being here because she has to wear real makeup, whereas in real life, dirt is her makeup. Sure, Lindzi. Samantha yells about how she hates all the dramazzz and of course, Blakely, who everyone hates because she accomplished what every single other girl was also trying to do comes and breaks up their time. “How’d it go?” the girls ask when Samantha returns. “Jugs came in,” she says, simply.

All the girls bitch about Blakely, including Monica, who has apparently changed her tune in the harsh light of day. After Jugs steals him away from yet another girl who is trying to have one on one time, everyone starts on maniacal rants about morals and right and wrong. Courtney brings her red wine right into the confessional and calmly sips it like a boss. “It’s like a war out there,” she deadpans, unconvincingly.

Accio thesaurus.

Our favorite mess, Jenna, sits down for some solo Ben time. She’s ‘a nervous wreck’ because of all the drama going on around her, and of course waits all but two seconds before making things weird. “I feel like I’m a guy with how I act […] I don’t, I don’t want you to think that I’m not, because I might appear as if I am not, its, I mean it’s hard when like its only you. So it’s like waiting around for you. It’s totally worth it, but I just, I’m not like a girl, if that makes sense.” NO IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE, JENNA.

As per usual, she takes a moment to reflect on the batshit nonsense that just came out of her mouth, and immediately starts crying. Somehow this is Blakely’s fault? That one doesn’t quite add up for me. Point is, everyone hates Blakely and her jugs, so she excuses herself to go cry in some weird room full of luggage? What is this place?! How many of those bags do you think Harrison has filled with dismembered body parts and meth?

What's not to like?

Ben hears that there is drama and perks up. “Drama? What? WHERE?!” He runs to find Blakely in her fort of luggage, and is confused about why she’s so sad, but not about why she is literally in a FORT MADE OF LUGGAGE. “Seeing Blakely in the luggage room—“ OK is the luggage room weird to anyone else? I am finding it REALLY weird. Harrison stumbles out of Ben’s room, unfortunately NOT wearing the matching footie pajamas that you know they both have, to tell the ladies and Ben its rose time.

Jennifer the red head gets the first rose. I feel like there is no tension this week. Courtney is already in, she and Scotch have probably already gotten drunk, resolved their differences and started plotting how they can murder everyone else in the house, Harrison style (is that a thing? It’s a thing). Oh, it’s almost over.. ummm Lindzi is in? Nicki’s in… I missed like 10 people, it’s fine. Casey S., who is very beautiful but has yet to speak is in. Monica is in… it looks like we’re down to Britney of the grandma ploy, Jenna of the classic ‘I feel like I’m a boy’ move, and some other brat who’s name I don’t know. Looks like I don’t need to learn it, because the rose goes to Britney! So long, Jenna! You were perfect in every way, and you will be sorely missed. LYLAS! Bloggerz forever! WE SHOULD START A BOOK CLUB! Call us!

Never change. KIT. HAGS.

Next week: Ben takes the girls to San Fransisco. Britney has a shocking reveal. A surprise guest who is on a first name basis with Harrison shows up. Someone either passes out, or is poisoned by Scotch. Until then, suckers!

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3 Responses to “The Bachelor” Season 16, Episode 2: Google Blakely. Just not at work.

  1. Lisa Gutziet says:

    Courtney needs a new face lol, well mouth forsure….I get annoyed even looking at her.

  2. Joy says:

    Hilarious, better than comedy central. Keep the reviews coming!

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