Hour 1 – Carlz
It’s MLK day, but The Bachelor takes no time off because the work they do is too important, and also they are racist. Judging by the promos, a LOT happens tonight, so let’s dive right in.
The ladies have been carted off to San Francisco, because it’s important for The Bachelor(ette) franchise to bring shame upon as many cities as possible, both domestic and abroad, and also because it’s Ben’s home. Wait, I thought Sonoma was his home?
Ben is excited because his sister is in town. Sarah points out that she looks like the love child of Ben and Khloe Kardashian, which is 110% accurate. When she asks about the girls, Ben mentions Lindzi because she has a horse, and Courtney because he wants to have sex with her. Ben’s sister hopes he finds love, but seems to rightfully acknowledge the entire thing as a vanity project.
Chris greets the girls and reminds them that if they don’t get a rose, they will be thrown off the Golden Gate bridge, so they should really focus on bringing their A game. The first date goes to Emily, who I don’t think has gotten much screen time thus far. Oh, she’s a PHD student. That’s probably why. Heaven forbid we spend any time with someone too smart. Courtney agrees: “I always say that book smarts can be a little bit boring.”
Ben and Emily awkwardly run the length of a pier toward each other. They are clearly in better shape than I am, as they are able to make it to each other without passing out. The dramatic music chimes in, as the cameras pan toward the Bay Bridge, so we know that this is the “leap of faith” date.
In terms of the scary heights dates, Ben and Emily have certainly gotten the shit deal. They are climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge, and it’s scary enough that they have to be escorted by a team of city employees who remind them that this is ‘extremely dangerous.’ I find myself starting to panic as we look at what they’re seeing. Being on top of a building and looking out at a gorgeous landscape is one thing…staring down at a bunch of speeding cars is quite another. However, the edit that seems to suggest that one or both of them is definitely going to die seems a leetle much. Emily is legit having a panic attack, so Dr. Ben decides that the best medicine is a a healthy dose of his saliva. Because of the all-curing powers of Bachelor mack-age, Emily is able to reach the top of the bridge.
Apparently they don’t die on the descent, as we are now at their candle-lit dinner on a pier overlooking the bridge. Emily seems really cute and normal, as she talks about her previous dating experience. She starts her harrowing tale of woe with ‘I decided to try online dating,’ but because this is ABC and not Lifetime, it ends with her being matched to her older brother and not being cut up in little pieces.
Ben is really adorbz as he talks about how his dad loved his mom because she was smarter than him, and he wants to continue that legacy. He offers her the rose, and of course she accepts. Fireworks go off, and we cut to the other girls who see the display and instantly dissolve into cries of ‘I AM SO UPSEE-EEEET!’ Back on the pier, there is lots of gross, visible tongue kissing for the happy couple. Gross.
Group date! There are skis strapped to a car, and we are treated to the most awkward product integration as the ladies see pictures of themselves displayed as electronic wallpaper on the dashboard of the Hondas they are driving. They arrive at their destination, where a street has been covered in snow. Everyone keeps talking about checking things off their ‘leap lists.’ Sarah and I are very confused about why everyone is to be talking about leap lists as if they’re a thing. “IT’S PART OF THE INTEGRATION!” Sarah realizes. And she’s right:
Awkwardly played, Honda.
Lots of shots of the girls falling down and shoving their bikini clad asses into the cameras, because this is a family show.
Back at the hotel, the one-on-one date card arrives, and it’s for Brittney. She is surprised to see her name, and immediately starts having doubts about her feeling and what it all means. Emily cheerfully tells her she thinks they’ll have fun. “But what if I don’t!?” Britney asks, as if not having fun is the same level of concern as a mass genocide.
Back at the cocktail party, the shots are a-flowing. They are at a ‘rad’ venue, according to Ben, and he is expecting no drama. Chyeah. Okay.
Rachel really wants the rose, and slurs as much to Ben as they sit poolside. “You are ssssoooooo laid baaaaack,” she says, drunkenly, before sloppily macking on his face. Kacie begins to show signs of the first date curse, in that she is nearing a psychotic break at the idea of other girls trying to love him like she does. Ben is not turned off by the jealousy, though, at least judging by the tonsil hockey they play in the front lawn. Again, Ben’s spit proves to be magical, as all of Kacie’s doubts disappear once his face is on her face.
Back at the house, Brittney is still having issues with a capital I. Apparently her anxiety comes from the fact that she doesn’t want to be in a house competing with other girls…. Ummmmm… you’ve seen this show, right? I know you have, because your GRANDMOTHER told us as much, and Grandma Sheryl is no liar, and it totes going to write Brittney out of the will for wasting her time. Brit’s going to leave because her heart isn’t in it. It’s ultimately the mature thing to do, but I also don’t buy that she wasn’t sure of what she was getting into. Ben is looking supah drunk as he talks to Jugs, which makes it the PERFECT time for Brittney to announce her exit.
She classily tells him she doesn’t want him to waste a date on her since she is not feeling it, and wishes him the best of luck before she bounces. All the drunkies are super supportive. ‘I like, totally respect that!’ say all the vodka cranberries.
Ben is fine with it, and ultimately gives the rose to Rachel, who appears to have sobered up slightly since their one on one sesh. She eagerly accepts, unsurprisingly, and hour one wraps up pretty boringly. MOVING ON!
Hour 2 – Sarah
When I was watching Carly’s half of the show I was all “I love this show!” but now that I’m staring down the barrel of another hour I’m so tired. Brittney is leaving, on a jet plane, hopefully heading home to wash her face. Ben tries to convince us that he totally didn’t care about Brittney, despite singling her out for a one on one date. What’s a man with 15 girlfriends to do? Looks like Lindzi’s getting Brittney’s sloppy seconds.
Ben and Lindzi are on a trolley. I’m so bored. Ice cream. Ben claims that San Fran is his hometown, except he said the exact same thing about Sonoma last week. How many more times will this happen? “Fiji is my hometown, so it was really important to me to have the girls come out here. I grew up in this volcano.”
Ben and Lindzi break into City Hall to…get married? Oh no, it’s the private concert date! Dudes descend a marble staircase while playing guitars. “I can’t believe it’s blah blah” Lindzi says. Who cares. They’re no Train, that’s for sure. If I had to choose between climbing the Bay Bridge and suffering through the private concert date I’d do the climb WITHOUT A HARNESS. I just hate seeing dudes I’m attracted to/trying to date dancing when there are no other people around, which is why I will not be having a First Dance at my wedding. (Well, I do have something else planned, but it’s of the “elaborate musical number” variety. Ben, email me for deets.) Ugh, my skin is crawling right now! Look at the band members watching Ben and Lindzi watch them. Look at them watching them dance!
After the concert, Ben takes Lindzi to a speakeasy. Aww, all the private concerts in the world can’t hide the fact that Ben is just a normal dude in his 20s, for whom a “speakeasy” is the height of cool. SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS EVERYBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY whoops, they left.
Now Ben and Lindzi are robbing a piano store! They sit down at a baby grand and Ben starts playing that David Gray song that every dude with a bit of musical ability has plucked out on his guitar/keyboard in his crummy apartment in lieu of, like, actually taking the time to think of a gesture that’s specific to the lady he’s with. The only thing that makes me want to kill myself more than the idea of a private concert is the idea of being serenaded. Get that piano away from me! But now I see why there has been no Train this season. Ben IS train. The Trains are coming from inside the house!!
The date is over, but there’s so much episode left! A mystery lady is driving toward San Francisco, talking on the phone with her best friend Chris Harrison. “He’s totally going to fall in love with me,” she says. Can’t wait!
Jennifer, the redhead AKA Captain Try Hard, snags Ben at the cocktail party to try to rekindle the connection they had in Sonoma. They had a date in Sonoma? Oh right, they made out in the pool in front of everyone! Ben tells her that she is hands down the best kisser in the house. That would make me feel super special. Jennifer seems to think that no one saw them kissing the first time, except I recall most of the girls watching/whispering. She seems to think this make out sesh is also a secret, except everyone else at the party is watching and barfing. Not the smartest girl here, that Jennifer.
As Mystery Lady approaches, Carly and I remember that SHAWNTEL THE GRIM REAPER was supposed to make an appearance this season. Carly freaks out because she loved Shawntel on Brad’s season. I’m freaking out because this is hilarious. Shawntel assures us that her feelings for Ben are very strong, which can happen with people you’ve never met.
Courtney tells Lindzi that she’s a terrible person, and then swans away in a cloud of red wine fumes to find Ben, who takes her to the balcony via a secret bookcase. He tells her this is where JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe, which, cool? On a show that’s all about celebrating marriage, what a great reminder of how shitty and pervasive infidelity is! “I don’t know what you did to me that day” Ben tells her, and they mack. She negged you, Ben. These aren’t even especially original moves. Her advantage is that she’s hot and disinterested. That’s literally it!
Shawntel crazies some more in an interview about how Ben is going to fall in love with her instantly, and the girls are going to hate her. She was so level headed on her season! What is happening right now? She walks in and everyone is very confused and VERY UPSET. Once she arrives in front of Ben though he seems to know exactly who she is. Just what exactly went down on the “Bachelor” cruise, you two???
“WHO IS SHE?!” Elyse the personal trainer spits, which is amazing both because of her delivery and that she has also appeared out of thin air this week.
Shawntel explains that she knew she loved Ben before she met him and she thinks she dreamed him into life. Everyone is upset because Shawntel doesn’t “know” Ben, but like, none of them did a week ago. Someone says that there’s no way that Ben will give her a rose since there’s no way he would want Brad’s leftovers. But Ashley’s leftovers are some kind of prize?
Rose ceremony. Courtney is in. So are some other people. Ben gets down to the last few roses and starts pontificating about something or other when Erika straight falls over. “Are you anemic?” “Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth.” “Can we get some orange juice?” the lady brain trust bleats. At least two girls blame Erika’s panic attack or whatever on Shawntel. Perspective, ladies. After the commercial break Erika has popped right back up, so I guess Shawntel’s black magic isn’t what it used to be. After all that excitement, Ben doesn’t even want to hand out his final rose! Haha. Jaclyn has a metldown. Erika vomits up her own heart or something. Shawntel leaves with her tail between her legs. They totally made out at some “Bachelor” event and Ben is over it. “SEE YA,” Courtney laughs as she leaves.
Next week: Park City, Utah! Who cares.