“The Bachelor” Season 16, Episode 4: “I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her.”

Hour 1: Carly

This is a show I would watch.

Ben and his mop fly around Park City in a helicopter. It’s absolutely beautiful (the view, not Ben’s hair because come on), which just immediately fills me with rage. The women are taken to their gorgeous hotel, which they have done nothing to deserve. I wish this was more like the early seasons of America’s Next Top Model, where the places they stayed were tiny and awful and usually at least one bed short. I bet Courtney would push all of them together and make an evil lair, so she could plot in peace and also fuck with everyone.

Chris is there to give the ladies a rundown for the week and drop of the first date card, which is for Rachel. Kacie is already having a meltdown about Ben spending the day with someone else. Kacie, you are sweet and cute, but if you’re going to have drama, can it at least be something we haven’t seen in every season, ever?

Oh great, helicopter date. All the girls shriek OH EM GEEE! Like they didn’t see this coming from a mile away. Do you think Chris Harrison just has a fleet of helicopters that he loans out to the show when he’s feeling generous? I bet Harrison takes helicopters to the gym. Haha, as if Harrison works out himself. He has people for that.

Ben and Rachel searching for escape routes.

Rachel and Ben land and go out on a lake in a canoe. The conversation is… terrible. “It’s so beautiful!” “Yes, it’s pretty” (pause) “This is nice.” “Peace and quiet.” (kiss) “Hmmm.” “Mmmhmmm.”

During their champagne picnic, the conversation manages to get even more unbearable, which I truly did not think was possible. So much silence. Of the topics that were discussed, the two that were interesting enough to make it to air are wrinkles and a beaver dam. And there isn’t even an inappropriate beaver joke to accompany the latter! [That picnic conversation was the verbal equivalent of a beaver dam, if you know what I mean. Well, I tried my best. – Sarah] Oh guys, this is not going well.

Dinner time, and Ben admits that he’s not quite feeling it thus far. Dude, give the girl more wine! She’s so nervous and it’s so difficult to watch! Brief talk about former BFs, and she talks about the end of her last relationship. “Why waste time on something you don’t see going anywhere?” she says, as the ominous music kicks in.

Back at the stunning hotel that is STILL making me mad, the group date card arrives. Kacie wants another one on one because she’s already in love or whatever, but she ends up on the list for the group date along with Courtney. Excellent.

"I HAVE FEELINGS!" -Rachel

On the date, Ben returns to the comment Rachel made about being sure relationships are going somewhere. The awkwardness continues, until finally she seems to get the hint and attempts to open up and connect by talking about how she hates opening up and connecting. The sensual guitar plays, so I guess it’s working? I remain unconvinced, but I know my “Bachelor” music cues, and they are telling me to BELIEVE!

He offers her the rose, and she accepts. They cook s’mores, and Ben talks about how comfortable he is with her and how he likes making out with her, but it’s going to be a “slow burn.” Does that sound gross to anyone else?

Group date! Ben is on a horse, and you know the girls are going to be alllll about the sexy cowboy act. On cue, Lindzi calls out “Hi, cowboy!” The ladies all get on horses of their own, and embark on whatever bullshit thing Ben has planned. Nicki says that watching Ben on a horse felt like a movie. “Like he’s our prince!” she says. Yes, in the sprawling epic romance: “Sister Wives: The Movie.”

Ben takes the girls fly fishing, and Courtney and Kacie cannot stop talking about their connections with Ben. Kacie is sad. Courtney is a campy villain. One of these is more entertaining to watch than the other.

"I was roofied" -The fish

Courtney takes Ben upstream, and interviews that she’s going to turn this group date into a one on one date. All the other girls have stopped fishing and started drinking, because it’s been like 25 minutes and they are starting to get the shakes. Upstream, Courtney catches a fish because she has evil mind powers, and all the girls are SO. ANGRY.

Post fishing cocktail party! Courtney interviews that she’s definitely getting the rose, and let’s be honest.. she’s probably right.

Ben pulls Casey S. aside, which I’m excited for because I don’t think she’s said a word on camera yet. She manages to get two sentences out before Nicki interrupts. Good chat! Nicki wants to talk about how her boss died of a heart attack before she left, so she needs to live life to the fullest. Ben one ups her by saying he had a friend die two days before he left. Thankfully, he went on this journey anyway because that’s what his friend would have wanted. Yes, I’m so sure. Of course, now they are SUPER CONNECTED because shared tragedy = TRU LURVE. They kiss, and Samantha stumbles over to break it up.

BYE!

Samantha is a little drunk, as she berates him for sending her on three group dates. She wants to know how he can get to know her on these dates, and he says it’s about seeing her interact with the other girls, and she hasn’t given him a reason to give her a one on one yet. Yikes! Apparently Samantha has been drinking all the wine and crying all the tears on her dates, and Ben is over it. She’s already getting combative, so finally he straight kicks her out! She cries and says goodbye to all the girls, and they all talk about it as if she’s walking out to be executed, instead of taking a ride in the limo of despair.

Ben takes Kacie aside for some quiet time. They both talk about how hard it is to not be making out all the time, like the martyrs they are. Ben tells Kacie that he’s developing feelings for her very quickly, and interviews that he’s in trouble with her. Kacie leaves their time feeling very confident, so you know Courtney is going to get in there and mess things up.

On cue, Courtney takes this chance to spend some bikini time with Ben in front of a fire. She puts on her best impression of human emotions and says she’s having a hard time watching him be with other women, which I don’t believe for a second.

Human. Drama.

In the interview, she’s like “BRB, I’m just going to get the rose real quick,” and then back on the couch, she launches into this needy diatribe and it works like a fucking CHARM because he immediately runs to get the rose in order to convince her how much he loves her. She literally LAUGHS when he leaves to get the rose. I’m pretty sure Courtney is a sociopath with magic powers. Now I really want this to be like America’s Next Top Model because I bet Tyra and Courtney would be cage fighting by this point.

Hour 2: Sarah

"The Bachelor" dates always cater to people who have zero problem getting nearly naked in inappropriate places. What about the rest of us? I can't properly fall in love with Ben in these conditions!

Jennifer has the second one on one date this week. I forget what she does for a living, but that has never mattered on this show. I do remember that she seems to think she dons a cloak of invisibility whenever she makes out with someone. Jennifer and Ben trespass on some private property and walk through a field to the edge of a crater. Ben tells her to jump into it. And this is how Jennifer died. But really, what kind of crater is this? Is it safe? Everyone’s seen the same trailer for “Chronicle” over and over, right (or at least, those of us who watch episodes of “Jersey Shore” via MTV.com have, also Vinny if you’re reading this call me I just want to talk about your anxiety and maybe have dinner)? They get their evil powers after they go into the crater! Wait! Now Ben and Jennifer are in swimsuits! Apparently the crater is full of stagnant water, and they’re going to jump into it. Cool date!

In the words of our good friend Dan, "Have you ladies noticed that Courtney likes to make her mouth look a lot like a cat's butthole? I think it is time your blog calls her butthole mouth."

Back at the hotel, the girls talk about how they can’t see Courtney and Ben ending up together. Well, yeah, she’s a sociopath. Who is also probably going to win. She overhears some of this talk and purses her lips. There is something so strange about her mouth. It’s like she had part of it removed.

Back on the date, Ben comments that they’re going into the crater differently than most people would, because they’re “dropping in from the ceiling.” What’s the alternative? It’s a hole in the ground. This looks like the place where a Bond villain would try to murder his arch nemesis, like they’re in the last 20 minutes of “Mission Impossible” or something. How great was “Mission Impossible?” Instead of being lowered over a pool full of alligators or whatever, Ben and Jennifer are dumped into the water, come up for air and then just stare at each other, like “…That’s it?” They swim around for a bit. I hope the producers don’t let them back up right away in order to force them to grow closer together mess with them.

"Look, the only way this is going to work is if I don't change anything about my life and you agree to change everything about yours after knowing me for six weeks and spending a total of 12 hours together." "I'M SO IN! Let's put on our invisibility cloaks and kiss."

After the commercial break, we cut to Ben and Jennifer riding on a ski lift with no snow in sight. They get off the lift and walk to where dinner is set up. They start yakking. Jennifer bounced out of her last relationship because dude wouldn’t marry her after four years. Fair enough. Ben wants an independent woman who also needs him DESPERATELY. They talk logistics, which mostly consists of asking Jennifer if she could deal with Ben’s crazy, unorthodox job/schedule. This is smart, because god forbid Ben adjust his single dude’s lifestyle at all to make room for the love of his life. Sorry, “love of his life.”

At the hotel, Courtney’s tiny-mouthed mind games continue, as she pronounces Jennifer “normal” in the same tone one might use to call someone “touched,” and comments that she’s not used to hanging out with girls all the time because she’s always had boyfriends. I guess Courtney grew up with a strict “you can only hang out with one person at a time” policy. The other girls talk shit about her in the bathroom while Blakely puts foils in Lindzi’s hair. Amazing! I like Blakely now. That’s all it takes.

After dinner, Jennifer and Ben take the ski lift to another CONCERT DATE! This isn’t as bad as the last one, because there are a bunch of people already there and Ben and Jen roll up late. This doesn’t stop Jennifer from saying that Clay Walker is putting on the concert specifically for her and Ben. Everyone else is seated, but Ben and Jennifer start dancing so everyone half watches the concert and half watches them dance, so ONCE AGAIN I am forced to confront one of my worst nightmares. Ben says he “could really see himself with Jennifer,” which sounds like a declaration of love but when you think about it doesn’t mean anything at all.

Cocktail party! Emily notes that the three ladies with roses — Rachel, Courtney and Jennifer — are all quite different, and it’s hard to tell what Ben is looking for. Publicity for his winery, probably. Middling celebrity, definitely. Ben does drop a “my wife is in this room,” on us, which is unusual as typically only “Bachelorettes” are certain they are going to get forever married at this point in the game. I am docking him points for doing it in an interview and not during the champagne toast at the end of the rose ceremony like a real woman.

First you maced him and now this? Emily, it's almost like you DON'T want to rush into a spectacularly hasty and ill-advised engagement with this man.

And then. Emily takes Ben aside and tells him that someone is not being particularly honest in their interactions with him. Ben reassures her that he does watch the girls’ interactions with one another (on closed-circuit TVs at night, it’s fine!). Oh, Emily. Nobody ever looks good trying to do this. Ben says something similar, except he threatens her with elimination for speaking up. Oooh, would have been sound advice had you not chosen to garnish it with douche, Ben! THEN Emily and Casey S get into a tiff about whether or not Courtney is a fake person. Casey S. leaves and tattles on Emily to Courtney immediately. Casey, don’t stir the pot! “I’m a nice person, don’t fuck with me” Courtney says. “I almost want to rip her head off and verbally assault her,” she says to Casey S. Wow, everyone came off looking pretty terrible just now!

Back at the cocktail party, Courtney sits down, waits for her moment, and then giggles while Emily talks. Emily asks her what she’s laughing at, and Courtney just says “you.” And THEN, Courtney manages to turn it around and make Emily look stupid for acting uncomfortable and evasive when she gets called out for talking about her. Courtney for president! Courtney for president! Harrison breaks it up and announces the rose ceremony. Blah blah. Lindzi gets a rose. Some other people. I blacked out from boredom for a sec. Nikki. Drunk Kacie B. (because WOOF, that girl had all the wine this episode), Elyse, Blakely, Casey S, aaaaand it’s down to Monika and Emily. Emily gets the rose! Courtney has not yet achieved world domination/total control over Ben’s boner, it seems.  Yuck/sorry. Monika doesn’t seem all that broken up about it, but her heart was stolen by Blakely long ago. She does cry in the limo, but I’m pretty sure they make everyone eat a super hot pepper before they get in.

Sorry Monika, guess the boy ISN'T yours after all! #90s #greatjokes

Next week: Puerto Rico! “I was just there two months ago,” Courtney whispers. There’s a pause. “Well…we’re going back!” Ben says. That about sums it up!

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