“The Bachelor” Season 16, Episode 6: Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry About Cultural Imperialism.

Hot damn, this was boring! We open with shots of 7 different makeout seshes while Ben VOs that he “could see [himself] with some of these women,” It’s serious,” etc. etc. What a relief that out of the 8 ladies, there are at least one or two he can visualize boning long term! This week we are in Panama City. Courtney brings up the skinny dipping incident in an interview, describing it as “romantic.” That’s…not the word I would have chosen. Ben comes into their hotel and marvels at how “metropolitan” Panama City is.

While he’s there, he also delivers his own date card. Where is Harrison? I hope they don’t pay him for this week.

"Sorry I'm late, I missed the plane so I just RAN here! Do you guys have any more cocaine?"

Kacie B gets the second one on one date. She remarks that she could be engaged to Ben in a few weeks and gets a bit freaked out. Don’t worry, that doesn’t mean you have to marry him. Just ask Ali Fedotowsky, Jillian Harris, Jen Scheft, Deanna Pappas, etc., etc., forever and ever.

From the Wiki page: "Richard cannot cope with his task and retreats into the forest where he becomes temporarily insane, believing that he is communing with the long-dead Daffy. He evades the other islanders and sets lethal traps in an attempt to keep them at bay, at times hallucinating that he is a character in a video game."

Ben and Kacie B get to hang on a private island for the day! They are tossed onto the beach by a helicopter that immediately turns around and leaves. Once she gets her bearings, Kacie B looks a little worried. Yeah, about getting MURDERED. That is some next level Leo DiCaprio-in-“The Beach” shit. As it turns out, they are here to work. Kacie B gets hot pants watching Ben chop coconuts. Naturally, they both describe this outing as THE PERFECT METAPHOR for a relationship instead of “boring and unimaginative,” because marriage = couples constantly journeying to private islands to chop coconuts. Ben is impressed that Kacie B “goes with the flow.” It’s interesting that the qualities the Bachelors like about the Bachelorettes usually have to do with how accommodating and deferential  “easygoing” they are. Dinner time. Ben is excited to “dive in deep” tonight. Kacie B also says their relationship is getting “deeper” and that she’s going to have to “open herself up to Ben like she hasn’t opened up to a guy in a really long time.” All of that did not feel good in my ears.

Kacie B talks a bit about her eating disorder in high school, which is sad and serious, but it still makes her seem sooooo young to have her biggest formative experience begin with “So, in high school…” She’s only 24! That is nuts!! Ben is thrilled to get all this personal info. If “The Bachelor” were a video game, Ben would have unlocked Kacie B’s childhood trauma from a locked chest at the bottom of the ocean, thereby receiving 50 gold doubloons and an OTPHJ. Think about it.

Just kidding, I know why.

Group date. Ben picks up the ladies on a boat and they all lose their minds over his ability to pull the thing to make it go. Okay, fine, I guess that takes some skill. As they head down the river they see a group of boys playing soccer in their underwear. THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, OKAY? The kids run away to put their clothes on as the creepy adults disembark to “Say hi” (seriously Ben, don’t say things like that) and when everyone is off the boat they come running back and Ben and the ladies are suddenly in a village and about to be part of some kind of ceremony. Hopefully the sacrificial kind. The girls are dressed in these beaded halter tops, and of course Courtney takes her swimsuit top off and then Ben comes around the corner with the Chief, and they’re both wearing loincloths and if I understood what was going on I could maybe be properly offended but I don’t so I have to settle for cringing without knowing why.

I would rather die than go on this date. Everyone dances.

Cocktail party. Ben is really repulsive to me at this point. Bring back Brad!!!! Round three!!!!!

"I...am available."

That's wifey material if I've ever seen it.

Ben steals Courtney and they talk about skinny dipping AGAIN. We were all there! She uses the same tactic that got her the rose last time, where she suggests to Ben that her lack of alone time this week is causing her to lose interest, and basically threatens to take her boobs away from him forever if he doesn’t find and cuddle with her post-cocktail party. Jamie, who I think everyone forgot existed/was stowed away in someone’s luggage, takes Ben aside so they can talk about how why he hasn’t put the mack on already. As they chat, Courtney strips down to her swimsuit by the pool right next to them. Jamie is speaking and Ben isn’t listening and she asks him something and he comments that “It’s hard” and I beeeet it is. She won’t kiss him because Courtney is making her uncomfortable, so they both just leave.

Ben steals Emily next. EMILY, DON’T FUCK THIS UP! He says he hopes she’s over the Courtney drama, but then immediately tries to get her to talk about it again! You clever fox. They make out and Ben sucks out Emily’s brain through her mouth, which is the only way I can explain why she does what comes next. She apologizes to Courtney for judging her harshly, admitting she may have been rash and made a mistake. Courtney tells her that they’ll never be friends and she doesn’t respect her at all. Well!

That’s Shocking

Courtney goes back to her hotel room and applies a bunch of makeup. Is she staying there alone? But there are 3 toothbrushes! She waits. She tearfully VOs that she’s used to being treated very well and then taken for granted by men. Don’t you dare try for a Courtney sympathy edit, producers. Ben never shows. She cries.

hated it

Hour 2: Carly

I'm pretty sure I've had this nightmare before.

It’s time for a two on one date. I love these. They are always so awkward, and the fact that Blakely is already being a bit of a psycho bodes very well. Ben is taking the girls to learn salsa dancing. They are put in hilarious dresses and Blakely is dangerously close to a wardrobe malfunction. Rachel is up first, and she and Ben look like they are learning to salsa on a youth group field trip. Blakely is up next, and is obviously excited because salsa is about sex and Blakely is alllll aboard the sexy times train. She’s doing a lot of booty dropping and leg wrapping (those are the technical terms – I have my doctorate in salsa dancing). Ugh, this is taking so long. Rachel is stiff and a nervous dancer, Blakely is kind of a slut. WE GET IT.

Dinner time! Ah yes. This is when things get weird, usually. Ben is super anxious because he knows he’s moments away from “hurting one of these women.” Relax, Ben. As much as we all wish it, this date doesn’t end with you throwing one of the babes in the Panama Canal. He takes Rachel aside for some time alone. She makes sure he knows that she’s into him and he’s awkwardly like… “Yeeeeeah maybe me too? Maybe? Can’t commit to anything just yet, but—oh yeah sure we can definitely make out for a while. But again, NOT COMMITTING.”

Blakely cries a bit about how she loves him even though they haven’t spent any time alone. She’s made him a scrapbook with magazine cutouts, and it’s nice in a “I watch you while you sleep and maybe want to wear a trench coat made out of your skin” kind of way.

Rachel creeps on Blakely's meltdown. I totes would be doing the exact same thing. LYLAS, Rachel!

Rose time! Ben says it came down to who he could see himself with long term, and asks Rachel to accept the rose. Blakely is PISSED. She storms out in the middle of him talking, and won’t turn around despite him chasing her and calling her name. Outside, she finally stops to let him explain why, and he gets two sentences out before she transitions from icy cold to sobbing. YIKESTOWN! He walks her out, and for some reason we get an extended close up of an old, mangy stray cat. Cool editing!

The ladies are hanging and chatting when Harrison comes in. After some obligatory small talk (“What have I been up to? Oh you know, pillaged a village, took on some sex slaves…Just your standard vacay stuff”), he says he’s here for a serious reason and asks Casey S. to step out with him. Chris tells her that he has heard from three people that Casey is in love with someone back home, and not with Ben. He says that they spoke to her maybe BF and he claims they are still very much together. She denies all this, saying that she loved him, but he wouldn’t marry her so they broke up and got back together and I’m confused about where that leaves her now, but whatever. You know the rules on this show.. Ben can date 10 women and have feelings for them all, but if any of the ladies so much as think of another dude, they are breaking the rulez.

Don't cry, Casey! You're too pretty for Ben anyway.

Chris takes Casey to go talk to Ben about the sitch. She says she came on the show to try to get over a dude, and she doesn’t think she’s actually over him. She doesn’t think it’s really holding her back, but Ben disagrees. Poor Casey starts crying as she explains that she wants to be with someone who wants to marry her and that nothing is going to change when she goes home, and that she really gave it her best shot. Ben says it’s time for her to go. Out in the hallway, Chris puts his therapist pants on and listens as she sobs about how she’s going home but she is still going to be alone, because all the problems she had with him are still there. Oh also she hasn’t had shoes on this entire time. Not that that’s important, but also it kind of is.

Chris comes back to tell the girls what’s what. He says that Ben talked about how important it is to be open, so the other girls better be open to love OR ELSE. He seriously may as well be dragging his finger across his throat for how dramatic this all sounds.

Cocktail party! After Chris continues to ominously allude to the terrible things that will happen if the ladies follow Casey’s path and don’t blindly commit to dopey Ben, he sends them off to convince our humble winemaker that they are ready and willing to be his wifey. Nicki is up first. She’s blabs about how REAL it all is, and then they slow dance and make out. She’s falling in love. Who isn’t?

No. No no no no no no no. No. False.

Jamie (I had to ask Sarah what her name is, that’s how little time we’ve spent with her) wants to make sure Ben knows that she is sexy and a woman. So, in order to show him, she straddles him and makes out with him. Jamie is making a lot of innuendos about all the things she wants to do with him and to him and I’m starting to get super uncomfy. Oooooh no. Apparently the first kiss was no good, so now she’s like “let’s make out again, but this time I’m going to give you VERY specific instructions on how to kiss and when to open your mouth. SUPER SEXXXY STUFF!!!!!” Ben just does not know what to do with this and neither do I. Do you remember how Jamie single handedly raised her younger siblings? I bet they are so proud and not at all embarrassed right now.

Rose ceremony! Ben trusts the ladies and trusts himself and it’s go time. First rose goes to Nicki. Ben is taking a looooot of time to say each name. Spit it out! Let’s wrap this up so I can get to what really matters… the series premiere of “Smash.” (After watching the premiere, I like to state for the record that I as of now I am firmly on team Ivy. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you all posted on this VERY EXCITING JOURNEY). Courtney gets a rose, no doy. Final rose is between Emily and Crazy Jamie. He offers it to Emily, because he doesn’t want to live in awktown with sweet, sweet, weirdly sexual Jamie.

Next week – we’re going to Belize! Dude, I would go on the Bachelor literally just for the vacation. Probably even if it meant contracting some sort of disease. Real talk.

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