Hour 1: Sarah
Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody! I hope that everyone who is single and wishes they weren’t found solace knowing that at least they will never have to endure a tropical vacation/open-mouthed kiss with Ben. This week, everyone is in love with Ben and hates Courtney. There is B-roll of Belize and Ben staring downward from a helicopter to remind us that this show is 40 minutes too long. Since Ben can’t let his hair down any more than he already has, he is wearing a free-spirited striped tank top. There is, he informs us, a lot on the line. There is Caribbean music.
Kacie B claims that she is “in love with Ben as [she] can get,” but also demonstrates some awareness that the other ladies may be as deluded as she. There is an elaborate shark metaphor deployed by Emily to describe Courtney’s behavior. Remember, Emily has an advanced degree. Harrison rolls up to remind us how amazing Ben is, and point out his openness and bravery when he said he thought that perhaps his wife maybe might be on this trip. Man, after a while it becomes really easy to see how “The Bachelor” inflates the importance of every stupid date/vacay and how that thinking pushes people into commitments they aren’t ready for by the time the finale rolls around. Lindzi gets the first one on one, for which there will not be a rose. The rest of the ladies look really beachy and fresh-faced (even with makeup on) compared to her. Lindzi goes inside to put on MORE makeup. Take a breather, Lindzi! Rub some dirt on it!
A little while later, Ben meets Lindzi at the pool, where the other ladies are lounging around in their bikinis and wearing matching sour expressions. All right, YOU’RE STILL IN BELIZE! A single date with Ben < a tropical vacay, and there isn’t a man or woman in the rational non-“Bachelor” world who would disagree. Emily drops another tortured metaphor on us, comparing Ben to a piece of cheesecake. Ben holds onto Lindzi like a koala on a eucalyptus tree as their helicopter approaches “The Blue Hole.” This show. They’re going to jump from the helicopter into The Blue Hole. Hahahahahaha. Blue Hole. They hesitate above the water, wasting fuel, warming the earth and ruining the very environment that allows The Blue Hole (durrr) to exist. “Just like in a relationship, I’m scared and terrified about this.” Lindszi says. To be fair, if I had a boyfriend who wouldn’t shut up about The Blue Hole I would also be confused and upset. Ben tries to cure her anxiety with his mouf. Lindzi claims that it works, and….
They jump. No one dies. They have a teeth-knocking kiss. I’m surprised Lindzi’s swimsuit didn’t just fly right off. They climb out of the water onto a boat, macking all the while. It really seems like all they do on this date is make out. Could Lindzi be the dark horse? The Dark Horse In The Blue Hole? Battling sharks and running off with all of Emily’s cheesecake?
Ben pilots a very slow boat a very short distance to dinner and Lindzi loses her mind over it. Maybe they are perfect for one another. They eat dinner perched on a pile of linens on the dock. Sorry, I mean “they have a picnic.” Cool production values! Back at the hotel, Courtney cries in an interview when Emily gets a one on one. On the dock, Lindzi says something about Ben being her “prince charming.” Oh, for heaven’s sake.
The next day, Emily leaves for her date. “She treated me poorly, and Ben knows how it’s affecting me,” Courtney says. She also says she wishes Ben would send her home, which, we were all there when Harrison said there were no roses on these one on ones. Ben and Emily interfere with a game of pickup basketball in a village and interrupt a lobster fisherman who, I’m guessing, is then paid $200 to take them “lobster fishing.”
OH MY GOD I HAVE NEVER SEEN A LOBSTER WALKING AROUND ON THE OCEAN FLOOR BEFORE, THEY ARE DISGUSTING! BUT ALSO LEAVE THEM ALONE! I’M NOT A CRAZY ANIMAL RIGHTS PERSON BUT I HATED WATCHING THAT SO, SO MUCH. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT MUST BE SO EMBARRASSING TO HAVE YOUR LIFE ENDED BY ONE OF THESE BONEHEADS. STOP KILLING THE LOBSTERS! YOU HAD PLENTY ON THE DOCK! LEAVE THEM ALONE! EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE AN ABOMINATION/THE COCKROACHES OF THE SEA!
At the hotel, Courtney tells Lindzi that she’s still so hurt by what Emily did/said to her, and she can’t believe she’s out with Ben. What about when you blew out a candle and then wished that Emily was gone? What about when you told Emily you had no respect for her when she apologized to you? She is weeping at this point because Ben didn’t stick up for her. “I really liked him,” she sniffs. Hm, I think she may like winning more, and I think she may be more pissed about Emily getting a date than any perceived abuse, but the producers seem to think we will be easily fooled and so we get some fake footage of Courtney sadly writing in her fucking journal. I would totes write a tell all book if I was on this show. It would have to be an ebook, though, because I would want to include lots of audio files of me screaming. Anyway, this is boring. Bring back Sociopath Courtney!
On their date, Ben tells Emily that she’s smart, but since she probably hears that all the time it must mean nothing to her, so he wants her to know he’d hit it as well. Now, drawing on my own experience as an eternally “smart girl,” that may be sort of true, but it’s weird and crass to point it out, BEN.
The next day Courtney cries some more about not getting a one on one, and then! Oh my! She gets one. Instantly, her mood shifts from devastated to smug. The music turns into a horror movie score. “That fucking bitch,” Kacie B. says, and then does an amazing Courtney impression. The best!
Courtney leaves for her date as the rest of the ladies stand in separate windows like ghosts to watch her leave. LOL. The baby talk is OUT of control in this ep. They go to some kind of ancient temple and Courtney wonders aloud about human sacrifices. As do I. They spread out a blanket halfway up the temple and sit down to drink some wine, which, the producers are really phoning it in with these dates! I don’t even think they got food this time! Even if they did, however, there would be no time to eat as Courtney plays all of the following mind games at once:
1. It upsets her that Ben hung out with Emily after Emily basically tried to murder her.
2. Due to #1, she has “lost the spark.”
3. She wasn’t going to accept a rose if Ben didn’t give her a one on one this week.
4. She isn’t sure if she wants him to meet her parents (probs because she doesn’t have parents, she sprang fully formed from the depths of HELLLLLL).
Ben is soooooo into it and soooo terrified of “losing”
access to Courtney ‘s boobs that she gets him to promise her a hometown date. They climb to the top of the temple. Panoramic shot, dramatic music. Fuck this. “Oh, my…dad, is what I say sometimes,” Ben tells her. In another context this might have been sweet, but all you’re getting right now from me is a big old eye roll. Also probs one from your dad.
Hour 2: Carly
Mid date recapper switcheroo! It’s dinner time for Ben and Courtney. After successfully manipulating Ben into guaranteeing her a rose at the ceremony, Courtney is being appropriately smug. Ben is completely delusional as he says that all of her nonsense about losing and finding the spark made him feel “really good about [him]self.” Courtney says she had a great day, and that she “really needed it.” Oh yeah, Courtney. Your life is SO HARD. You’re in fucking Belize on a free vacation getting publicity for the reality show you are so obviously going to be pitching in t-minus four weeks. RELAX. She’s excited to bring him home and meet her parents, who she says are soul mates. Well, yeah. They’re robots that were built for each other. Let’s not pretend any human being had anything to do with Courtney’s creation. They make out, and Courtney gloats in an interview, complete with finger guns. Damn it, Courtney! I love finger guns. Don’t ruin them for me!
Back at the hotel, the date card arrives for the remaining three gals. They’re excited that at least one of them is going to leave the date knowing that they’re going to take Ben home. More bitching about how shitty Courtney is, and how they hope that Ben wises up to her shenanigans. HAHAHA it’s funny because they don’t know that he’s seen her naked.
Ben wants to discuss Courtney’s “journey” AKA why all the other bitches hate her. Courtney says that she doesn’t like any of them because they’re all so “vanilla” and into themselves (LOL COURTNEY) and that it sucks being around such boring people. Ben asks if she has any girl friends, and she dodges the question by saying that she has lots of good friends. When he questions her ability to connect with people, she hilariously responds, “do you know what my job is like? I am the talent and I have to make everyone happy.” Jesus. Ben has concerns about dating someone who everyone hates, but also she’s hot, and he has seen her naked, soooo….
The next day, Ben says the group date is “very special” because he’s going to crawl into their rooms and drag them out of bed at 4AM. He leans over Kacie who is in a sleeping mask and whispers “put on your swimsuit.” Okay. Forget everything I’ve ever said before; THIS is my nightmare. The ladies frantically shave their bikini lines/armpits in the sink and dash out to meet Ben on the dock.
Out on a sailboat, they toast mimosas as Ben tells them that they are about to go shark diving. Let’s not forget that it is no later than 7AM and the drinks are already flowing. Not only that, but they are sipping on champs moments before diving into shark infested waters. Good decisions all around! Kacie and Nicki are both excited, but Rachel is nervous because she’s afraid of sharks like a NORMAL PERSON! The producers throw chum in the water and there are giant shadows under the surface and AHHH I DO NOT LIKE SHARKS YOU GUYS. Oh my god. They’re not even getting in those shark diving cages! I’m sure it’s safe, it’s the Bachelor after all…the hot tubs are more dangerous than open water, but STILL!
Ben spends his time holding Rachel’s hand because she’s really scared and Kacie is jellin. The sharks mostly just stick to the bottom and don’t really bother anyone and Rachel and I might have been overreacting a little bit.
They head back to land for their post shark diving mid afternoon cocktail party. Rachel has alone time first, and says how much she wants to bring him home and show him her life. He seems kind of indifferent, but is def down for some macking because he is gross.
Now it’s Nicki’s turn to beg him to come to her hometown. She thinks that her dad would love him, and she throws around the “falling in love” shit a whole lot. Nicki’s gotten some sun on her cheeks and is looking cuter than she has the whole season. Good timing, Nicki.
Kacie is (shockingly) also in love with Ben, and also wants him to come home. God, this procession of desperation is BORING.
Rose time! Ben says nice things about all three, but ultimately (and unsurprisingly) gives the rose to Kacie B. Courtney walks out to the balcony, and we see that this entire group date is happening right outside of the window of the room where all the other girls are staying. LOLz.
Ben is hanging with the ladies, and I blacked out for a second, so I’m not sure why all the sudden everyone is telling him how awful Courtney is. Nicki is the main spokesperson, and she manages to air her grievances in a much more diplomatic way than Emily previously did. Ben interviews that he is having some doubts about Courtney after his date with her + this bitch sesh.
Cocktail party! The girls talk about how they are all nervous about the rose ceremony, and sad that so many of them are leaving after some good friendships have formed. Courtney interrupts so say “I feel good.” She continues to state that Ben is not the only guy in the world, and she’s just happy to have a pina colada… or something.
Chris emerges from the shadows and tells the ladies that there will be no cocktail party tonight because Ben has made his mind up. Judging from the previews, I don’t think that’s true, Chris. All the gals are really upset about not having more time, except Courtney because she’s the worst.
Chris reminds the girls that there are only three roses, since Kacie already has one. Math! Ben asks for some alone time with Courtney. He wants to make sure she’s really ‘in it’ which of course she says she is because DUH. Just show him some nip, Courtney. Ben’s a simple guy.
First rose goes to Nicki. Courtney is pursing her lips even harder than usual. Second rose is for Lindzi. Courtney’s mouth is the size of a fetus at 3 weeks (pencil point. nailed it. ). Final rose, and it goes to Courtney. Derrrr. She skips up to receive it and says thank you in her gross baby voice.
Rachel cries a little, and Emily regrets the Courtney stuff. Speaking of Courtney, she is absolutely giddy watching the girls leave. Can Ben see this? How does he not get it when she’s literally singing “see ya wouldn’t wanna be ya!” as these girls are crying their way out of the room!? She is seriously like a 12 year old alien monster! Oh right. Naked times.
Next week: hometown dates! Parents have concerns! Ladies be in love!