“The Bachelor,” Season 16, Episode 9: “You ever play ‘Hey, Cow?’”

Hour 1: Sarah

“The Bachelor” crew is in Switzerland. I spent Saturday night watching “The Sound Of Music” and bawling my eyes out, and I’m a little offended that the show is sullying the Von Trapp family’s sanctuary. Is nothing sacred? Ben says some nice stuff about the three remaining girls over shots of the Alps. He is afraid he might pick the wrong girlfriend out of his three girlfriends to wife up. Totally normal concern. Ben could see himself having children with Lindzi. Ben appreciates funny girls, which is why he likes Nicki. Note — this is actually different than the more common dudely appreciation for girls with a “sense of humor,” which usually means “Must think I am funnier than she is.” Snaps to Ben! Then he says that he likes Courtney because she is “nerdy” and I am back to hating him. “Evil” and “nerdy” — not the same thing!

Real or unreal.

The first person to meet Ben for her Sex Date In Switzerland (I hope the tourism board is paying attention!) is Nicki, who has to pretend to be ecstatic about yet another helicopter ride. They fly over the Alps. “I felt like we were the only two people in Switzerland,” Nicki says, which is actually the dumbest thing anyone on this show has ever said. Nevertheless, she deserves better. Let Courtney win the show and get the future broken engagement! There’s a shot where it looks like the helicopter dive bombs the side of the mountain, then tragically pulls back at the last second. Nicki and Ben land and have a picnic in front of a green screen – it’s too beautiful to be real!!!!!! – and they talk about about their families and taking the next step and opening up and being totally ready for this experience. Something something relationships are like jumping off cliffs. I might agree with you, Nicki, but that is also why I am pretty happily single right now. What’s your excuse?

FANTASY SUITE. Nicki reveals that it’s been a year and a half since she separated from her hubby. Oh god, too soon. “The fantasy suite isn’t something I take lightly,” she says, as though they’re about to perform a religious rite. Shots of the hot tub, and Nicki and Ben rubbing each other. Take her to church!

And with that, it’s on to the next one.

Ben must have been inspired by Nicki’s words of wisdom on their sex date, because on this day he and Lindzi are jumping off a cliff together — or rather, rappelling slowly down a cliff using a ton of equipment/safety gear. SPOILER ALERT THEY MADE IT.

Real or unreal.

Later that day, they are making out in a hot tub (I know! I wasn’t paying much attention, but it sure seemed like it happened that fast). Ben wonders “If we’ll be able to get to the vulnerable place we both need to get to.” Why don’t you ask Nicki what worked for her? Yuck, sorry! I guess that was just a pre-soak because they go to dinner later, where Ben tells Lindzi “Believe me, I’ve loved watching you open up.” Lindzi literally asks him for a proposal, and he says some stuff about knowing what Lindzi has “been through” – um, a “welcome to Dumpsville text” is not, like, a war crime – and hands her the key to the fantasy suite.

Quick sidebar: these cards from Harrison are so creepy. “Bachelor and Girlfriend #2. I’d like to formally encourage you two to DO IT. Here’s a key. Leave it under the mat when you guys leave, I have someone else coming over later.” Lindzi goes to the trouble to be like “I NEVER do this,” but what is sluttier — going home with a dude IRL every once in a while, or dating a guy with 25 other girlfriends that he keeps eliminating until there are only 3 left and then you guys DO IT? She accepts immediately. Ben is “honored.” Sure. why not. WHAT AN HONOR.

Hour 2: Carly

Can you imagine two people who deserve a tour of the Swiss countryside less?

It’s Courtney’s turn to have several hours of foreplay aired on national TV. Ben has planned a “very Switzerland” date for Courtney, whatever that means. IKEA food court? They take a train ride and wave at some locals who clearly have no idea who these a-holes are. The dynamic duo stop off to pick up cheese and wine for a picnic…so train ride + fancy cheese + wine = Swiss date? You guys, I think Sarah and I have been going on “very Switzerland” dates most nights of the week for the last 18 months. Ben and Courtney both do that stupid thing where they pretend that this is exactly what real life will be like. Hey guys, you are in FUCKING SWITZERLAND. FO FREE. This is not real life.

Courtney is really glad that she stuck it out, because everything has been sooooo hard for her, what with all the emotional abuse and manipulation she’s been carrying out. #whitegirlproblems. They start to talk about what an awful person Courtney is, but all this real talk is getting in the way of Ben’s boner, so he tells her they’ll table it until later. Courtney tries reeeeally hard to cry in her interview, but as talented as she may be at ruining lives, her acting skills are mediocre at best.

I hope that tub is full of purell.

Dinner time! Courtney tries to return to her guilt about the way she treated the girls, A.K.A. Act 3 of the Courtney Redemption World Tour. She tries to blame her shit behavior on being so deeply in LURVE and having her guard up, because that makes sense. NOPE. “I’m awful to girls who are absolutely not even remotely threatening to me because I’M SoOooOoOo SENSITIVE!” Ugh. I used to enjoy Courtney’s battiness, but now it’s just getting tiresome. Commit to the cray, stop trying to make us believe there is a soul hidden beneath that butthole mouth (TM Danny B.) and banging bod. But the music swells, so I know that I’m supposed to believe that Courtney is this closet awesome person and we’ve all been wrongly judging her. FUCK THAT NOISE. Fantasy suite card. Does anyone have any guesses as to whether or not they are going to take this opportunity to bang it out? No? Bearskin Rug, comically small hot tub… this show is so gross.

And now we get to check in with Emily Maynard, our new bachelorette. She basically says that she needs to find a husband because her stupid six year old daughter can’t manage to stay awake past 7:30PM, and she gets bored. Also, remember how Emily is only barely 25? How weird is that. She meets up with Ashley and Ali. I spent the first hour of tonight’s episode reading every tweet that @AshHebert has sent in the last six months, so I can safely tell you that she and JP are still going strong, and also they are parents to her really cute puppy named Boo, and they spent Christmas in Portland, Maine, and shut up I’m normal and I only watch this ironically and YOU DON’T KNOW ME.

LOL

The three bachelorettes are going to put on stupid glasses and watch Leo die in Titanic. They all ooh and awe and get in their necessary product placement-y lines about how amaaaahzing the 3D is, and we get some weird shots of Emily looking very pensive, but they are all ruined by the oversized 3D glasses. She VOs that she deserves a husband because she has “waited a long time.” Again, 25 years old. Shut up, Emily. But also, “My Heart Will Go On”? How hard did Celine kill it on that one?

Ben is being thoughtful as we hear ominous music and see Kacie B. stomping down the hallway. She waits for like a million years before knocking on the door. “I hope she’s there to kill him,” Sarah says. Ben is shocked, and they awkwardly hug it out. She basically wants to know why he didn’t love her. It’s mostly because her parents weren’t ok with them taking it to poundtown before marriage, but he tries to be diplomatic about it. She’s pissed that he dumped her because her parents didn’t want her to get slutty, because she totally would have and they wouldn’t even have to know about it! After some tears, she tells him that picking Courtney is a mistake. He’s like “whatever, have you SEEN her naked?”

#grownup

Ben looks super uncomfortable as he hugs her and sends her on her merry way. Kacie, being the very mature adult that she is, lies down on the floor in the hallway. Jesus H.

Ben stares at the headshots of the girls and pretends like he’s considering even for a second booting Courtney. Harrison shows up so they can rehash all the shit we just saw which, as intrepid TWOP recapper Daniel put it, “like JUST MAKE THE SHOW AN HOUR PLEASE.”

Harrison dramatically escorts the women in one by one while Ben continues to pretend that he doesn’t know for a fact that he is about to send Nicki home. After Harrison’s intro, Ben enters and says some nonsense about being grateful and in love and other lies before we get down to business. Lindzi gets the first rose, and after what feels like four hours, Ben offers the final rose to Courtney NO DOY.

Bye, Nicki! Burn that dress!

Nicki is such a classy lady. She let’s Ben walk out and is a total champ about it. She’s way too good for Ben. He interviews about how hard it was for him as we watch Nicki cry in the limo about loving someone who doesn’t love you back. The last wenches are staying in Switzerland for their last date, where we will see them profess their love repeatedly while Ben responds with varying levels of disinterest.

Next week: The Women Tell All!

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