“The Bachelor,” Season 16 Finale: Matterhorny

Hour 1: Sarah

Good god, here we are. I feel like I’ve been recapping this show for my entire life. Tonight, it all ends – with the “most controversial finale in ‘Bachelor’ history”!!!!!! As Carly says, and I agree, given that Courtney is so obviously going to win, calling the finale controversial is practically a spoiler. We get some good shots of Courtney in a Snow White-esque cape at the site of the finale, as well as footage of her literally petting a homeless cat on the streets of Switzerland. Coming up next, Courtney carries a child in those 1930s polio braces up a mountain! On her way to cure a blind man!

"The great thing about Ben is that he's so handsome!"

My brain always blocks out the end of each “Bachelor/ette” season, because by the end I am always so disheartened, so I forgot that the finale is when the two remaining contestants meet the Bachelor/ette’s family, and that, coupled with the “After The Final Rose” special, the finale is three effing hours long. Aaaaaahhhhh. Ben’s mom and sister look happy to be in Switzerland and also like they can’t believe this spectacle. “We’re here for you, Ben, we’re HERE FOR YOU,” Ben’s mother says pointedly, which I’m transalting as “I love you and this is a free vacay and those are literally the only two reasons why I’m joining this chain of foolz.” They can’t even be bothered to come up with their own questions, instead making clearly producer-crafted inquiries about “dramatic girls in the house.” Whoever could that be?

Your skin needs to breathe, Lindz!

Lindzi is up first, and she’s still wearing ALL the makeup. She’s wearing a great coat and has chocolates in hand. Ben’s mother and sister both have cute hair. Can they give Ben some gentle advice on that front while they’re here? Lindzi is dropping things and acting suuuper clumsy (I thought she was from Florida? Not a wolf’s den?). Her kohl-rimmed eyes are huge with desperation. Lindzi basically admits to Ben’s sister that she came onto this show to “have a great story to tell” but now she’s tooootes ready to marry him. Ben’s sis digs for dirt on Courtney. Yesss! Love her. Lindzi is as diplomatic as possible, which is nice. “I feel very relaxed right now,” Ben’s sister says. Duh, you’re in Switzerland with a huge glass of white wine. I would kill to be as relaxed as you are right now. Literally kill other human beings. She tells Ben that she thinks Lindzi is ready to “give herself to [him],” one of those classic pulling-the-curtain-back-oh-my-god-this-show-is-creepy “Bachelor” moments. Ben asks mom and sis to keep an open mind when they meet Courtney. “She’s a model,” Ben’s mother states with utter disdain. “She’s a model?” his sister echoes, with a curled lip. Even Ben’s family thinks Courtney is out of his league/must have ulterior motives. Looks-wise, I mean. She’s in, like, Ted Bundy’s league, personality wise.

Courtney shows up and babytalks to Ben like the world’s most annoying baby. “What I need today is for my mom and sister to not judge her,” Ben says. No, what you need is for Courtney to not act like a c-word toward total strangers, like she always does. Courtney lies to Ben’s mom and sis that she tried to bond with the other ladies and they rejected her. “I’m feeling really nervous when Julia brings up the stuff with the other girls, and I just need people to…” Not watch the show? I’m sorry, but how long can this charade possibly last? Ben sits down with Julia and Julia fully says “She’s a really amazing girl.” Courtney baby talks some more about how nice it was to meet the fam. Good god, if I ever have a daughter priority #1 is making sure she knows baby talk doesn’t have a shelf life beyond actually being a baby.

Ben and Lindzi go on a stupid skiing date, which Lindzi manages to turn into yet ANOTHER metaphor about falling in love. Blah blah bleep bloop. I am as checked out as Ben is on this date. I literally stopped paying attention, so you’ll have to guess what happened on the date yourself. Three guesses, and the first two don’t count. Here’s a hint – there was probably a big talk about feelingsss!

Hour 2: Carly

Ben lies that his date with Lindzi was fantastic, and pretends like today’s date with Courtney is about anything more than shoving his tongue down her throat as much as can be allowed on a TV-14 program. Courtney interviews that she’s head over heels in love with Ben, and says that Lindzi lacks depth or some shit. Their date is a fucking helicopter ride because this is “The Helicopter Presents: The Bachelor.” Ben says that this helicopter ride is one of the top 10 moments of his life. I want to make fun of him for that, but the view of the Matterhorn beneath them is pretty stunning, so fine.

WHY AREN'T YOU FREEZING???

They stop off and have a picnic, and I am very distracted by the fact that they are literally surrounded by piles and piles of snow and both of them are just in sweaters? Aren’t they freezing? They’re in the Alps! Put on a freaking jacket! Courtney blabbers some more about how this journey has been so hard for her (again, they are in the Alps right now. Fuck you, Courtney), but that Ben is tooootally worth it. Ben shows more affection for sociopath Courtney in these five minutes than he has for any other contestant the entire length of the show.

Courtney lights a bunch of candles and pretends like she understands feelings in her confessional before greeting Ben in her god-forsaken baby talk. She made him a gift because she says she has a hard time expressing her emotions. I bet it’s just a bunch of crotch shots. In reality it’s a bunch of photos of their various dates. Ben acts like it’s amazing that she was able to procure said photos, because apparently he’s forgotten about the many men and women whose entire fucking job is to capture these moments. There’s also a card, which she awkwardly reads aloud. I wonder which rom-com she’s plagiarizing from this time!

Let's all take a moment to note what Ben decided to wear on this most important of dates: performance fleece and suspenders hanging from his waist. Ben, you deserve all the ills that befall you.

Courtney is reeeally playing up the vulnerability angle this date. Despite Ben all but drooling on her, she still has the gall to suggest that she might like him more than he likes her. LOL. Ben is irritated that she’s bringing up drama because he just really wants her to take her top off and get in the Jacuzzi or whatever other gross stuff he had planned. She’s “crying” in an interview while Ben is like “BOOOOOBS.”

Ah wonderful. It’s time to relive everything while Ben talks about all the feelings. Typically these trips down memory lane are accompanied by shots of the Bachelor in the shower, but Ben is not as hot as Brad (BRAAAAAAD!) so instead we get the same footage we’ve seen 4029384 times only this time it’s in soft focus.

Lindzi loves Ben and is afraid that he doesn’t know the real Courtney. Courtney “loves” Ben and doesn’t understand what a fairy tale romance is. Both women are ready to be engaged.

Neeeil! Love that guy. I bet Neil Lane and Chris Harrison play doubles together at the country club. Ben quickly picks out a ring and sighs about how life can’t get any better than this because he’s sooo in loooove and he just needs to push Lindzi off a cliff real quick so he can get busy with gettin’ busy.

The same.

Courtney looks like a Disney villain in a black dress, leather elbow-length gloves, and a white cape. She hops into (you guessed it) a helicopter. Lindzi is also rocking a cape, but she looks more Game of Thrones-y and less cartoon-y. Lots of voiceovers about nerves and feelings and saying goodbyezzzzzzzz. Sorry, I fell asleep for a second because this is all so damn boring.

First helicopter is on its way! I am shocked SHOCKED I SAY to see Lindzi’s stupid ruffle dress fall out of the door. Nope! Not at all! We’ve all known how this was going to end since nakedgate 2012. Before Ben can say anything, she rambles about how she’s fallen in love with him and is so happy to be there and Ben just sort of stands there like DURRR. Finally she stops so he can go about stomping on her heart. He goes about it in a really mean way, even telling her that he has fallen in love with her before dropping the big but.

Winter is coming.

He apologizes and says it was the hardest decision he has ever had to make and Lindzi hilariously just shrugs. Ben complains about how shaky he is and let’s Lindzi comfort him because we all need to acknowledge how hard this all is for HIM. She says that she’s mad at herself for not being able to give him what he needed. Ewwwwww sad face. She tells him to give her a call if/when things go to the pooper with Court. She manages to hold it together through her interview and helicopter ride, though I’m sure on the inside she is reacting thusly:

Back to pooper Court, who is currently waxing philosophical about how this is all going to be so magical because “[she’s] a good person, and good things happen to good people.” After a brief interaction with Harrison, she loses her villain cape, but leaves the villain gloves on, because she’s the worst and we all need to remember it. Ben launches into his proposal lead up, recapping their journey (AGAIN) and saying that he thinks she’s an incredible woman… then he says but! OMG! Is he going to pull a Brad?

I can't think of two people less deserving of such a beautiful backdrop.

Of course not. It was all a misdirection so Courtney can feign surprise and delight and plop out some fake tears when he drops to his knee. He proposes, she says yes, and I vomit all over. Usually the editors over the Bachelor can even convince me to feel a little something with the spinning aerial shots and gorgeous scenery, but this whole exchange is just weird. Music swells as we hear Ben’s “oh my dad!” as these two assholes swear to love each other forever and I swear to never watch this show again. They are lying and so am I.

After the Final Rose
Well. There’s no need to waste your time with a full recap, because despite this being the MOST. CONTROVERSIAL.FINALE. EVER. the ATFR segment was actually pretty boring. Here are the highlights:

-Ben’s coif reached an all time low. It appeared as if the strands of hair, having endured the last million weeks of Bachelor episodes, were trying to distance themselves as much as possible in order to sustain whatever good reputation they might have left.

-After Ben saw what a dick Courtney was, he didn’t speak to her for weeks and effectively ended the engagement, but now they’re talking again or whatever.

-Despite multiple photos surfacing of Ben reportedly macking on hoez in the tabloids, he swears on his father’s grave (really?) that he has never cheated.

-Courtney is distrustful of Ben for abandoning her, but fake cries a lot that she still wants to make it work. I am distrustful of Harrison for allowing this ‘Courtney is the victim’ line of questioning to take place.

-In the end, Ben and Courtney lie to the audience that they are still engaged, and that a wedding is going to happen. OK guys.. see you on Us Weekly in a couple of weeks and we’ll see what’s what.

-Lindzi is conspicuously absent from the taping, saving us from the always painful “when did you know?” conversation.

-Finally, Harrison brings out Ashley and JP so that the audience can see a happy couple and not carry out the suicide pact they all took upon entering the studio.

Ugh. Love these guys.

And that’s that! This season has been an absolute nightmare, and we have been so glad to suffer through it with you. See you in May when we’ll be able to watch Emily make terrible decisions about love, life and motherhood. Adios!

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