Well friends, it’s been roughly two months since we saw Ben and Courtney get engaged and embark on the least believable sham romance in all of Bachelor history. In that time, the space shuttle Discovery hitched a ride on a 747, Nicolas Sarkozy lost the presidential race to Socialist candidate Francois Hollande in France, and President Obama came out in support of gay marriage. Oh and also Emily Maynard filmed what will likely be the most boring season of “The Bachelorette” in recent memory. We’re only going to talk about one of the above tonight, and I think we can all agree its the most momentous.
Previously, in Emily’s life: tragedy struck when our beautiful, sad barbie learned of her race car driving fiance’s death days before learning she was carrying his baby. It was possibly the greatest sob story in the bachelor’s very weepy catalog of tragic histories, and helped to secure her place in the finale with NSoP’s favorite bachelor, Brad Womack.
Tonight, since the premiere always consists of a parade of assholes and very little content, we have opted to forgo our typical recap style, and instead present a live chat of our reactions of the dudes. The following conversation took place over gchat and beers, in our living room last night.
Sarah: YOU COULD HAVE HAD BRAD! Bring him back, third time’s the charm!
Carly: I CAN’T QUIT YOU BRAD WOMACK! #teambrad <– that’s the official hashtag for NSOP covers “The Bachelorette season a thousand.”
Carly: 4EVA. All right. Intro packages, engage! Anyone who says “fitness is my passion” is already a problem for me. I like a belly. There I said it.
Sarah: I know you do. You don’t have to say it. You’ve said it many times.
Carly: I LIKE A BELLY!
Carly: OK. I like Lerone. David is… oh dear god a song writer. What’s the over under til we hear him… WOOPS TOO LATE!
Sarah: 50 shades of Wes.
Sarah: Charlie = retarded Channing Tatum
Carly: I don’t hate it.
Sarah: Oh, me neither. Bad skin though. His tragic story is he broke a rib? HIS DOG!
Carly: I think retarded Channing Tatum’s dog is missing an eye
Sarah: “I may have had a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with my heart.” These guys are all awful.
Carly: Oh good, Arizona representation.. I’m sure this guy is not a dick at all.
Sarah: Snotsdale. You can’t just say “I’ve represented the Netherlands” and not finish that sentence.
Carly: Race car driver!
Sarah: FRONT RUNNER
Carly: I feel like they just put a blind casting call for attractive, white race car driver.
Sarah: They certainly did. Because what else could they do? Blind casting call for ANOTHER BRAD? No.
Carly: I feel like I’m going to hate Emily’s kid by the end of this.
Sarah: Emily’s kid is going to be fine. I’m going to hate the way all these non-Brads PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT HER. There are no longer “contestants.”There are only “non-Brads”
Carly: There are no longer “men,”only “non-Brads”…in my life.
Sarah: Did they airlift the mansion to charlotte, because that shit looks the same to me
Carly: I’m surprised they didn’t make it more ‘homey.’ Since Emily is just a reg-lar ol’ mom from the south. Whatever. BRAD CALL US!
Carly: WE’RE READY TO BE YOUR SISTER WIVES! I WANT TO SUPPORT YOUR RESTAURANT BUSINESS!
Sarah: OMG. That’s right. BRAD OWNS A BAR. BE MORE PERFECT, BRAD. OH WAIT YOU CAN’T.
Carly: He owns like three I think! Maybe more! But on a serious note, my heart is breaking for Harrison and his failed marriage.
Sarah: I know. Do you think Rozlyn was right? All those years ago when she accused him of hitting on someone?
Carly: NO. It can’t be.
Sarah: She was a liar and a thief.
Carly: I’m already coping with having a bunch of non-Brads running around. Don’t ruin Harrison for me
Sarah: I want a minivan full of Brad’s babies. I want it to pull up outside the apartment.
Carly: Womack’s army. That’s what my vanity license plate is going to say
Sarah: WAIT THERE’S A MUSHROOM FARMER
Carly: GAME CHANGER
Sarah: “We got a mushroom farmer in the house!”
Carly: Limo time!
Sarah: “She looks unbelievable, brah”
Sarah: Oh good, a charity director. They can bond over being do-gooders. And not being with Brad. They can both bond over that.
Carly: Yeah.. all these guys are probably feeling pretty sensitive about not being with Brad.
Sarah: JACKSON THE FITNESS MODEL. NO. HE DID NOT JUST QUOTE “HITCH!” How DARE he! “Hitch” quotes are not for everyone. They’re not public domain
Carly: It’s a privilege, not a right.
Sarah: Arie. That’s not a boy’s name
Carly: But he’s the race car guy!
Sarah: These dudes all have boring non-jobs. Ugh. YOU COULD HAVE HAD IT AAAAAAALLLLLLLL! ROLLIN IN THE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Carly: ROLLING IN THE AAAAABS
Sarah: ROLLIN IN THE BRAAAAAD
Carly: I forgive brad for his rock hard body.
Sarah: I don’t.
Carly: I could get past it for him
Sarah: that shit’s unforgivable because it’s ruined me for all other men.
Carly: Jef? With one F?
Sarah: With one eff. What the fuck is this?
Carly: Oh no. Stevie, stop this madness. Put down your boom box.
Sarah: WHAT IS A PARTY MC?! WHAT JOB IS THAT?
Carly: When people describe their career as “entertainer,” a little part of me dies.
Sarah: Charlie can’t walk properly. He has brain damage from his broken ribs. It’s Channing Tatum syndrome. Where you’re dumber than Channing Tatum.
Carly: Sweet but limited.
Sarah: That’s the symptom.
Carly: I’m still on board. I’m not sorry.
Sarah: Why are they all acting like they’re going to kill each other? IT STILL WON’T TURN ANY OF THEM INTO BRAD!
Carly: It’s so unfair.
Sarah: I don’t care how many people you kill. You’ll never be Brad.
Carly: I care a little.
Sarah: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
Carly: We’re doing the grandma thing again? OH WAIT. This is a dude in drag.
Sarah: Randy. You look like Harry Crane. You’re embarrassing me. You’re embarrassing all grandmas. Most importantly, you’re embarrassing BRAD.
Carly: BRB, going to drink a bottle of tequila real quick. I’m too cognizant of what is happening. I need to drink until I have temporary Channing Tatum syndrome.
Sarah: It’s curable if you catch it early. Otherwise it’s like Flowers for Algernon up in here.
Carly: Is that the one where the mouse teaches the guy a lesson? I feel like I maybe only spark noted that one.
Sarah: “ALL MY GOOD FRIENDS CALL ME ‘WOLF'” Well. Now that’s true for me too. From now on i’m Wolf. But pronounced woov.
Carly: I think it’s pronounced woov.
Is that a dragon egg? That’s right. GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE.
Carly: No. Dragon eggs are bigger and rougher. Not smooth like that. YOU IDIOT.
Sarah: Yeah they are.
I’m so upset. I know I’m laughing, but I’m upset.
Carly: I know you are. I can see you. I can see your crazy eyes.
Carly: That is dangerously close to a mullet, though.
Sarah: Wow. That sheet of paper that’s all wrinkled with the scribbles? THAT’S some Flowers for Algernon shit. That’s stage 5 Channing Tatum syndrome. Terminal.
Carly: First helicopter!
Sarah: Not true.
Carly: Everyone drink!
Sarah: That a hole in the first intro package had the first one. OH IT’S THE SAME A HOLE!
Carly: I hate everything about this Kalon dude. Also, if you’re going to try to stand out on the Bachelor, you could do better than a chopper, since there will be 2345934598374 helicopter rides this season.
Sarah: What a bunch of girls. They can’t say hi like civilized people? Brad would say hi.
Carly: I bet Harrison misses Brad. I bet they used to get into some really weird stuff behind the scenes.
Sarah: So far none of these guys are great. And I’m not just saying that because of my deep feelings for Brad.
Carly: Lerone seems appealing.
I want lerone/ in my home/ so we can bone
Carly: Woooow. You really did it.
Sarah: Thank you. I may be fully committed to Brad, but I’m still A WOMAN.
Carly: I’m going to be honest, I wouldn’t say no to a custom bobble head.
Sarah: Yes you would. Yes you should. For fuck’s sake…bobble heads? What is the matter with these people? Why are they so threatened by the GD helicopter? They’re all going to get helicopter rides.
Sarah: Oh cool. Exploiting children so their dad can GET IT IN.
Carly: I feel like this letter was written under coercion.
Sarah: “Here’s part of my finger to drive the point home”
Carly: “Please see the attached picture of me behind today’s newspaper”
Sarah: “Please wire $2 million to the following offshore account at your earliest convenience”
love, Austin. Age 12.
Sarah: Ok. “I’m from the mountains, honey”…does Emily also have Channing Tatum syndrome?
Carly: Yes. It’s early though. Stage 2. She might be able to beat it yet. Oh! Well, Austin, you did it. You performed under pressure and your dad got the first impression rose.
Carly: I hope it was worth it.
Sarah: All it took was 24 hours of solitary confinement, and half of a pinky finger.
Carly: Just a nubbin or two. And a lock of hair.
Sarah: And a bit of scalp
Carly: Well yeah. It’s not like the hair was removed gently.
Sarah: I feel like I can usually sense a front runner by now. But I have no idea.
Carly: Yeah. Granted, I’m usually not so distracted by the ghosts of BRAD past.
Carly: Thank you.
Sarah: Don’t you dare let Lerone go.
Carly: Oh she’s going to.
Sarah: This franchise is so racist.
Sarah: I’m so tired of this. Leroooooooooooooooone! And she got rid of the Latino?
EMILY IS RACIST
Carly: For realz. All right. We did it! One episode down, four million to go.
Sarah: I’m so tired
Carly: How do you think Brad feels??
Sarah: Same as me. Upset. We’re really in tune with each other.
Carly: Its so nice that you guys are able to Skype so often. Strip Skype.
Sarah: Gotta keep the magic alive. The Bradgic.
Carly: Nope. Take it back.
Sarah: I will not. Puff the magic Bradgic
Sarah: You don’t know.
And we’re off! We’ll be back next week with a more typical recap, as Emily starts getting to know the men, the men start hating each other, and we start excerpting Brad Womack fan fiction.