“The Bachelorette” Season 8, Episode 2: “My pastor always said if you treat a woman like a queen then she’ll treat you like a king.”

Hour 1 – Sarah

Well, this week the Muppets are going to be here, and the dudes are almost as excited about that as they are about Emily, because they are all children. Let’s do this.

Note: Emily has a wrist tattoo! Interesting, given her squeaky-clean image. We begin with a clip of a local news segment on the show from an ABC affiliate in Charlotte, because no one in production even cares about B-roll anymore. Emily meets with and has a very scripted convo with her moms’ group, who promise to be there for her forever and always.

Get out of the Pizza Hut.

At the foreclosed mansion where they are holdinghousing all the dudes, Harrison appears in the backyard. Sad, sad divorced Harrison. Can he be the next Bachelor? Can he just sub in? We need to get him settled ASAP because I cant handle looking at him, knowing what I know. I thought I saw a man necklace, but I think it was an illusion. Also just a note, seeing everyone together in broad daylight: given that it’s Emily I would think they would find some hotter guys. Ryan gets picked for the first one-on-one date. He has a superhero’s jawline and the dumbest hair ever. Ryan tells the other men that his pastor says “You treat a girl like a queen, and she’ll treat you like a king.” I’m going to find and murder Ryan’s pastor. The other dudes are already plotting Ryan’s death. Everyone needs to relax, everyone knows the person who gets the first one on one usually cracks under the pressure/gets sent home in the final four!

Kalon refers to the mansion as a “frat house from hell on steroids.” I think he’s confusing this place with the house from “Bachelor Pad.” I just realized that Arie looks like somebody I used to know in college, and I am deciding right now, arbitrarily, that he’s a front runner. Emily interviews that she’s nervous for this date because Ryan is so good looking. Duuuurrr, easy with the earnestness and humility Emily. It’s going to start seeming disingenuous very soon. She picks him up and takes him to her house to unload groceries, and is kind of a B about it. Yes. A thousand times yes. They’re making cookies for Ricki’s soccer team.

They make cookies. Ryan’s wearing an apron and says something like “All right, let’s finish up with these cookies so that I can feel like a man again.” Yeah, eff cookies! So gay!

Back at the house, all the dudes are freaking out about whether or not Ryan will get to meet Ricki today like they’re dating Ricki too or something. It’s weird.

Ryan and Emily take the cookies to the soccer field. Emily makes Ryan stay in the car. She brings him back a juicebox and some cookies. As always, all they can talk about is the experience of the date itself and how they’re definitely CONNECTING, rather than anything about their actual lives. Emily makes a joke about going to Chuck E Cheese next which does not land well. Ryan sucks dumbly on his juice box.

Glamour shots follow of shirtless Ryan getting ready. Cut your hair, Ryan.

Emily greets Ryan in a dress and heels, standing in front of a fancy black car. She gives him the keys, saying “You’re the boss man.”

As they walk into the restaurant, a crowd of like 100 people stands outside with their cameras, which Emily chalks up to Charlotte being a small town, ORRRRR the crew successfully manufactured a fraudience. At dinner, Emily gets right into the topic of ex-girlfriends, asking “How many have you had???” like girlfriends are the same as wives. Em tells Ryan she doesn’t want this to be a game, and she doesn’t want to be a prize, which is why she entered a competition-based reality show for a second time. She doesn’t want there to be any “cat and mouse” nonsense. More like CAT AND SPOUSE NONSENSE! OOOOOHHH.

The two of them are already getting into how Ricki is going to deal with all of her future “Bachelor”-spawned half siblings, when Emily tells Ryan she wants someone else to be the boss, and she wants to give up control since she’s been a single mom for so long.

“I would pretend that he was in charge, but we would both know,” she says. Ryan says a smart man will understand that. Emily is nuts. What does that even mean.

At the house a date card shows up teasing the Muppets thing, and Kalon uses that as an opportunity to say “I embrace the stage.”

Back at dinner, Ryan is going right by the playbook, telling Emily she looks the prettiest in the kitchen. She interviews that likes Ryan but she worries that he’s too perfect, and he reminds her of Brad in that way. THAT was the problem with Brad?

This show is dead to me.

They make some vague innuendos at reach other (“Honey, I’m gonna give you a chase”) and then all of a sudden we’re ON A STEALTH CONCERT DATE. You KNOW I need time to prepare for those, ABC. Everyone else at the concert is sitting but Ryan and Emily stand up and dance and block everyone’s view of the band and everyone takes camera phone pics like they have nothing better to do but follow the Bachelorette around Charlotte and go on concert dates with her, although given that I stalked Ali Fedotowsky at Googa Mooga in Brooklyn this weekend I’m not really in a position to judge. Gloriana is the band perpetrating all of my nightmares this time. Thanks a lot, a-holes.

Next the Muppets debase themselves by pretending to like the Bachtestants and including them in some show they’re doing. They all consider seceding from Disney so that ABC can’t embarrass them like this every again. Charlie doesn’t want to do it since, post-head injury, his off-the-cuff speaking abilities have suffered. I sympathize but it’s not like you’re going to be doing a monologue from King Lear out there.

Hungry like the wooooooov

Important: John, or “Wolf,” is “jacked up” for the performance, and is a “data destruction specialist” when not embarrassing himself on national television. Call it off, Iwant to marry the Woov!

Chris is in the lobby greeting the audience. He takes a pic with an attractive young lady. Awww yeah Harrison. You get your groove back. GET MARRIED AGAIN. The show is dumb. There’s “stand” “up” “comedy.” Jef proposes to Miss Piggy. Charlie says a few words about what he’d do to impress a laaaady. Emily says she’s a proud mama after Charlie finishes. When they go on a date he’s just going to repeat the same 5 things over and over about “the journey,” “openness,” life being about “adventure and openness,” and the “opening up of one’s life to openness,” and no one will know the difference.

Ricki comes up to sing “The Rainbow Connection,” and all the dudes perk up like predators. You might think that’s harsh, but someone calls her a “beautiful little clone of Emily.” I rest my case.

I do feel some feelings when Ricki gets to sing with Kermit, but it’s because of the song. Only the song.

Some people apparently paid money to see this and it went to charity. Cool.

One thing I love about this season is Emily’s apparent disinterest in the dudes, between the grocery date and the Muppet thing. She’s barely looking at them.

Cocktail party. Good grief, what is going to be left for Carly to recap?

Emily gets cornered by Chris who wants to talk about how comfortable he is with her. SO COMFORTABLE. Emily tells him he’s really hot, but not full of himself. He says he doubts anyone else is going to have such a special conversation with her. Wow, I’ll bet. Emily corners Jef and quizzes him about why he’s not all over her all of the time. Jef looks confused. Emily is NUTS! I love it!

Emily dances with that DJ guy, Stevie, and the other dudes spy on them and pronounce it “hilarious,” when what is really hilarious is the soul patch/goatee thing happening on Stevie’s face. Soultee. Stevie and Kalon fight over the etiquette of “stealing” Emily. While they do that, Jef gets rose number one. You know what? I’m find with it. He seems nice. Predictably, Chris is a dick about it.

Hour 2: Carly 

Well. Let me just start off by saying I have a LOT of thoughts about hour 1. I don’t want to bore you by rehashing everything that I’m sure Sarah covered (OMG RYAN’S HAIR), but really you guys – Ryan’s hair. Ryan’s. Hair.

Emily is on her way to pick up Joe for the second one-on-one date of the week. She says she is nervous because she thinks he looks like Matthew McConaughey, which is just nonsense. If Joe looks like anyone, it’s a grown up Dawson, which should be enough for him to get a rose on principle alone.

Right?

Joe (ok fine, he does have McConaughey-esque hair, but that is IT!), says he doesn’t care what they’re going to do on their date, because it’s just about getting to know the “real Emily.” I’m pretty sure he is just reading transcripts from past episodes, as he says that a rose could change his life, and she’s one in a million, and she takes his breath away. Unfortunately he arrives at the airport before he has a chance to tell us that he’s not there to make friends and that some guys might not be there for the right reasons.

Emily tells him that she’s taking him to her home state of West Virginia. They take a private plane and a fancy old-timey car to someplace called “The Greenbrier,” which, for the uninitiated, is “like… a resort, but so much more” and is also where Emily got her first makeover? Emily and I had such different childhoods. They wander around, and Joe continues to prove what an ace at conversation he is, as he tries to comment on their magnificent surroundings. “The painting on the walls… the carpet…” he says something about atmosphere and kind of trails off, but I think the point is that it’s pretty? Tell us how you really feel, Joe!

Let’s settle this argument the old fashioned way.

The men are all lounging poolside, discussing how they’d feel about jumping into fatherhood. Kalon, seems unsure about loving a kid that didn’t come from his loins, but that he’ll “cross that bridge when [he] comes to it,” which is kind of dickish when you consider that ‘that bridge’ is potentially raising a human child with feelings and a heartbeat. But then again, this is “The Bachelorette,” so the possibility of anyone actually crossing that bridge is negligible. Doug the dad gets super riled up, especially after Kalon accuses him of putting being a dad on hold to woo Emily. BRO FIGHT! It makes me super happy when the dudes yell at each other while they’re shirtless. There’s only one way to resolve this, gentlemen, and that’s a chicken fight. Or maybe wrestling for control of a greasy watermelon. I’m flexible.

Back on the date, Emily has changed into a gown, and Joe is blindly optimistic despite Emily being obviously lukewarm on the whole operation. She says that she’s been missing the spark, and wants to see if they can find it over dinner. Interrogation time! She asks where he sees himself in five years, and he dumbly answers, “Happy.” Whatever, Emily is so not into this.

They’re sitting in front of something called the “Love Clock,” which is a normal clock with a hole in it, where people can put their love wishes in. Cool. Joe has a very sweet wish about going back to the hotel with Emily and Ricki and meeting her parents and Emily talks about finding love, and cries in an interview about how she wants all that, but not with Joe. Womp womp. She is super sad as she lets him go, and he takes it well, which is a disappointment for obvious reasons:

Cocktail party! Emily’s mom and daughter help her get ready. UGH WE GET IT!

Arie hasn’t had a date, so the pressure is ON! Except he’s a racecar driver, so no, it’s not. She asks him how Scottsdale is. Really? That’s what you want to talk about, Emily? I wonder if the bachelor(ette) has someone following them around with cue cards to remind them of at least one fact about whoever they are talking about. THIS IS ARIE. HE DRIVES RACECARS AND LIVES IN SCOTTSDALE. SOMETHING ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS.

Ryan has made the unwise choice to try to talk to Emily even though he has a rose already. All the other guys whip out their dicks and get ready to berate him for being better at dating the girl that they’re all also trying to date. Tony draws the short straw and is selected to go break up the happy couple, and it’s hilarious. He stands there awkwardly while she reads this comically long, heartfelt letter from Ryan. It’s SEVEN PAGES! We go to commercial break and return and it’s still going on! Never change, Ryan. Just kidding, get a haircut.

Finally Tony gets his time. He tells her about his five-year-old kid, and thinks that will be enough for him to get a rose. Great.

Kalon sits alone surrounded by candles look pensive and weird. His lips bother me. Just saying. He tells Emily that its sooo hard for him to find a lady because he’s wise beyond his 26 years. He can’t relate to other girls because he has different priorities. Yeah, I’d imagine it’s hard to find someone who prioritizes helicopters as high as he does, that’s why it’s good that he’s on a show that seems to single handedly keep the chopper business afloat.

Smell ya later!

Rose time! Kalon is in, all the men are shocked, I am not. Arie the racecar driver. Michael, who I don’t think has said a word to Emily yet. Nate, who also is a stranger to me. Sean.. Have any of these guys been on dates? Have I been watching the wrong show? Some other dudes… Emily says each name in a barely audible whisper and I feel like I might be getting hypnotized. The final rose goes to… Stevie? Ok, Emily is on crack. First of all, his name is Stevie. And he’s a PARTY MC! Aaron with the large glasses, and Kyle with the sad eyes are sent home. Bye guys!

Next week: roller coasters! Trains! Dolly Parton! Emily finally kisses someone! More private concerts! The Egg breaks! Tears!

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