“The Bachelorette” Season 8, Episode 3: “I would still love you, I just might not love on you as much.”

Tonight, I will be handling all two hours of The Bachelorette, because Sarah has some other stuff going on. So bear with me, this is going to be something.


We open on Emily being brought breakfast in bed by her mother. They talk about how hard Emily’s life is, with her having to come home late at night, probably drunk, and pay attention to her spawn. Ricki dances outside of the room and refuses to be on camera, because she’s the smartest Maynard.

Over at the mansion, Harrison hollers for the gentlemen to join him. This week, there will be one group date and two individual dates. The first date card is for Chris, and the note says “love is a steady climb,” so it’s probably going to be one of the stupid metaphorical risk taking dates. Ugh.

Emily continues to be just a little crazy, as she interviews that tonight she’s going to make Chris work for his dinner. Ropes uncoil down the side of a tall building. “There ain’t no elevator, sonny!” Emily says, because she’s weird and probably at least a little unhinged.

Stop congratulating yourselves.

There are no footholds in the wall, so they’re really just getting yanked up by whoever is on top of the building, which is hilarious. There are flashes of lightning and Emily whines, even though she is literally doing no work, and there is absolutely no chance that these fools are in even a tiny bit of danger. But whatever, they make it to the top, and because they didn’t die while being slowly hauled up the side of a building by a trained professional, they are obviously well suited to be married and co-parent a child.

At dinner, Emily talks about how Chris is too attractive and that she’d be intimidated to talk to him in a bar, and….really? Also he’s only 25, which is a red flag for Emily since she has a daughter and is a package deal. Isn’t Emily only 26? I’m sure those five or six months she has on him really make all the difference. GROW UP, CHRIS, JEEZ.

Back at the house, Tony is talking to his kid. He wants to give him everything he can, but also he wants to get laid, so he really hopes he gets a date this week. Date card! One million names are called, including Tony’s. “Let’s play… Emily” says the date card. Descriptive!


Chris is trying to convince Emily that he’s old enough to be a dad. He left home at 17, so he’s ready to raise a child. Sure. Emily continues to be super hung up on the fact that she’s been on earth for like two seconds longer than he has, but ultimately gives him the rose anyway. Emily says she knows Chris likes country music, so they’re going to see Luke Bryan play. Luke! You were the 2010 Academy of Country Music’s best new artist! You’re better than this!

There are lots of other people enjoying the concert, but they’ve all been banished to the sidelines in order to make Chris and Emily’s slow dancing/make out sesh as front and center and awkward as humanly possible.

The next day, the 400 assholes that are spending the day with Emily greet her in a park. After saying hello, she makes up an excuse to leave and goes to meet her girlfriends. She claims these are her best friends, and talks about how they are protective of her and want to approve of the men she dates. She says all this as if it’s unique to her, even though caring about someone and who they choose to share their life with is pretty much implicit in all adult friendships.

She tells the ladies that she wants them to meet the guys and interrogate them to find out who would be a good dad. What a fun date!

The ladies take Tony aside and ask what he has in common with Emily and he rambles about driving his kid to activities and looks like he might pass out at any moment. Jef has dated a single mother before. Doug is a dad. Ryan is confident (and has the worst hair). Dude with the egg is still carrying around the fucking egg. Wolf looks stressed out and also named Wolf. The party MC pops and locks. Bad hair does push-ups. Tony is stripping? What the fuck is going on here??


Sean approaches, and Emily’s middle aged besties are immediately drooling. He talks about his faith and how his dad taught him to be a man, and the moms can’t even listen because they have such boners for him. They make him take his shirt off and do pushups while they sit on his back because THAT’S how you figure out the content of someone’s character.

Emily says that now that the women have really tested them on how they are with kids (with hard hitting questions like “can you do the worm?” and “do you work out a lot?”), she’s going to put them to the test. She blows a whistle and a bunch of children come running into the park screaming like banshees. What a nightmare. “This is going to get wild,” says Wolf, the 30-year-old man who has NICKNAMED HIMSELF WOLF, about the prospect of playing with a bunch of children he doesn’t know. There are so many alarms going off in my head right now.

Small print: “provided that you stay this size and weight 4ever lol.”

No one dies, so Emily decides that they are all fit to be fathers. Ryan ditches his kids to tell Emily that he won’t love her anymore if she gets fat. JKJK he’ll just love her less and probably will not bone her on the reg. Phew, Ryan, you almost sounded like a dick there! Thank goodness you turned it around.

Emily is a delusional wreck and says that she’s still trying to figure Ryan out, because he’s so perfect and always says the perfect thing, except, you know, when he’s telling her to keep it tight so he can enjoy himself when he’s fucking her. EMILY. I know you’re mostly crazy and probably hate yourself at least a little in order to subject yourself to this show but THERE IS A LINE.

She asks her friends who they would choose for her, and the consensus seems to be Sean, Doug or Ryan. Ugh. This show.

Dinner time. I hope Emily is only planning on having a salad. With the dressing on the side. No cheese.  Doug and Sean stood out the most, so she’s looking forward to getting to know them better. She sits down with Sean and he talks about how he won’t settle for anything less than the best. His parents are still married which Emily loves, and she hopes he’s been taking notes.

Doug = tragic… and ripped.

Doug loved Emily’s friends because they reminded him of his friends’ wives. Then things get serious… Doug explains that his mom was a pretty terrible person and left shortly after he and his sister were born. His father died when the kids were young because he couldn’t afford to seek medical help. Doug and his sister grew up in foster care, and when Emily starts to cry he quickly apologizes and says they should change the subject. Aw, Doug! That’s actually really tragic! Emily says she’s so impressed with him, which seems like a weird thing to say, but I guess I understand the sentiment.

Tony feels sad because playing with the kids made him miss his son, and now he’s starting to question whether he’s making the right decision in being there.

Meanwhile, at the house, the remaining dudes are hanging around waiting for the final date card. It goes to Arie. He’s used to things going fast (because he’s a racecar driver, did you forget???), so he’s hoping the date moves things forward.

Back on the group date, Tony tells Emily about his concerns about missing his kid, and she tells him that she hopes he’ll stay because in the end, it could possibly all be worth it. I get absolutely no sense that Emily is even a little bit attracted to him, so I don’t know why she’s bothering with this song and dance, but she does seem touched that he cares so much about the kid.

The two dads are having a heart to heart outside. Tony says that he thought about going home, but he changed his mind because he wants to be married and I guess has never seen this show before.

Tony is trapped in a too tight sweater of emotions!

He calls his son and they talk about Batman and Joker and Tony cries a lot and it’s pretty sad. Just leave, Tony! He’s sobbing in an interview about how his kid won’t understand, which is probably true because his son is five and also this show makes NO SENSE.

Emily joins him outside, and seems to have come to her senses since the first conversation she had with him. She basically says that she’s probably not going to pick him, so he should go home and be with his kid.

After telling the guys about the Tony sitch, Emily reminds them that there is still a rose to give out. Despite Doug being good with kids and having a backstory almost as hearbreaking as hers, she gives the rose to Sean, probably because he’s slightly hotter. Ryan is still sure he’s going to stay, and because Emily is a psycho, he’s probably right.

The dudes are hanging by the pool waiting for Emily to pick up Arie. He just wants to CHILLAX and have fun with Emily, and is looking to get to know her better. What a unique sentiment! They take a plane to Tennessee, where they are going to be visiting Dollywood. Oh jeez.

I wonder what murder Harrison witnessed Dolly commit to get her on this show.

After some rides and games, they visit the stage, where they find two microphones and the instructions to write a love song. Emily says “I’m more into spoken word” and before I have time to vomit, Dolly herself appears, looking fucking FABULOUS. Emily is freaking out and can’t say anything but “I could die. I could die.” It’s actually pretty cute. Dolly sings a song, and Emily and Arie dance like idiots.

Dolly and Emily sit down to talk. Dolly has been married for almost 46 years, which is something Emily can definitely not look forward to happening after finishing this season. Dolly sings a song she wrote for her hubby, and Emily cries as she dances with Arie. Man, he really didn’t have to do ANY work on this date.

They sit down for dinner to talk about Arie’s ex lady. She had two kids, and he talks about how after they broke up, the hardest part was missing the kids. They talk about Brad, and I zone out because I feel like things are probably going to get negative and I don’t want to hear it.

After some other boring stuff, she picks up the rose. She starts to fake him out, but she’s totally messing with him and gives it to him gladly. He’s all a twitter and says he can totally see himself proposing. Sure thing, pal.

And now Ricki is helping Emily get ready, so we can all remember that she’s just a reg’lar lady.

She says that tonight is different because she’s starting to develop a couple of crushes. And with that, it’s time for some one-on-one time. First up is Kalon, who says that he is not a good sharer and was really upset to not have a date.  He continues being great as he says that he is not thrilled about raising a kid that isn’t his, and when Emily starts to interrupt, he says “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish.” Woof! Emily says she didn’t like that he told her to shut up, but that she does think he’s a gentleman? Confusing.


Travis, who has been carrying around that damn egg since day one, has finally relized that he looks like a weirdo. He invites Emily to help him get rid of the egg by smashing it on the ground. Inside, the dudes toast to the egg’s death and pour some liquor out, which yes. Good decisions.

Now it’s Alessandro, who we have spent little to no time with. They talk about him one day being a dad, and he says that he doesn’t have much experience with kids, but that marriage is about compromise. I think he is running into issues because English is definitely not his first language, but Emily is clearly taking offense to whatever it is that he is saying. After the break, she leads him out and sends him on his way, and he seems kind of upset as as he mumbles something about being a gypsy king. Okay.

Emily is pissed off about Alessandro being disrespectful, but seems to get back on track by making out with Arie every publicly, and much to the surprise of several bachelor witnesses. Next up is Sean, who tells her that if they end up together, Ricki will be a daughter to him, not a stepdaughter. This pleases her, so she macks on him too. After two pretty chaste episodes, Emily is really getting her mackage fill in week three, huh?

Decision time! After Tony and Alessandro’s oustings, only one dude is not getting a rose tonight. It should be Ryan or Kalon, but I’m pretty sure Emily gets off on emotional abuse, so I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen. The final rose comes down to Stevie and some dude named Nate who I’m pretty sure just snuck in the back door, because I have definitely never seen him before. Still, party crasher is greater than party MC, so Stevie gets the boot.

Stevie thinks it sucks, but something tells me he’s going to get over it. I probably won’t.

Never 4get.

Next week: it’s time for the free vacations to start. BULLSHIT. Bermuda is first. BULLSHIT. Beautiful sailboats, clear water. BULLSHIT. Someone gets their finger cut off? Yeah ok.

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