“The Bachelorette” Season 8, Episode 5: “I want to go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass.”

First things first. Please accept our most sincere apologies. We skipped the recap last week. In our defense, between spending all day Monday in the airport trying to get back to New York on standby, and then finding a family of baby mice living in my closet, and then having to contend with still living mice stuck on glue traps and dying slowly, it’s been kind of a rough week in the Devlin/McElroy household. But we’re back now, and Emily is only getting crazier, so let’s just dive right in.

Apparently someone roofied the department of tourism for London, because our merry band of broken souls is traipsing around various national landmarks, presumably leaving a trail of herpes in its wake.

Naturally, we are treated to this week’s obligatory shot of Emily laughing with Ricki so we can all remember that she is a Good Mom.

The doorman at the swank hotel the men are staying at greets them with a “hello gentlemen,” which is generous, if not laughable. The first date card is for dreamboat Sean. “Love takes no prisoners,” is what is written on the card, and thankfully we spend almost no time trying to decipher what that nonsense might mean.

I bet this is exactly as fun as it looks.

Emily and Sean are going to be getting a tour of London in a private double-decker bus.  They drive around and see Big Ben, Westminster Abbey… all the standard stops. Thankfully, someone is following the duo around with a set of cue cards, so Emily can haltingly recite facts about each location.

Back at the hotel, Kalon and Jef are both annoyed that they haven’t had any one on one time. Kalon says that they should get used to it, because every day is a group date when your lady has a kid. Jef is SCANDALIZED. He comments that Kalon was raised by a single mother, so he should be more understanding and open to it. I think that Kalon is a huge dick, but what he said wasn’t entirely untrue, right? And also wasn’t really a commentary on Emily as a mother, right? Not to sound like a Kalon apologist, because fuck that guy, but in this particular situation, I’m not sure the massive side-eye was warranted.

On the date, Sean talks about how he hasn’t dated much, because he’s very selective and “good girls are hard to come by.” Emily says the same is true of guys, and that the hot ones are usually boring. She says that Sean is an exception, though, and generally seems to be swooning. She interviews about “the silly side of him,” and either that’s been edited out, or Emily doesn’t know what silly means.

I couldn’t find a picture of this embarrassing display… So just think of the scene in the OC when Seth confesses his love on a coffee cart, and then remove all the sincerity and hopefulness.

Sean and Emily wander through the park and find something called “Speakers Corner.” Sean hops on the podium and waxes philosophical about what love means, and it sounds like he’s delivering a slam poem. A bunch of sad people take pictures and act like this is a super romantic display, while I choke back vomit and retreat further and further into the couch.

Emily and Sean arrive at the Tower of London, which is where they are having dinner. A guard lets them in, and Emily says that Sean is going to be her prisoner of love. GET IT? The Tower of London is a prison, in case you’re not equipped with the Wikipedia printouts that Emily is using. She then proceeds to tell the super romantic story of how King Henry the Eighth used to imprison his wives and then sometimes behead them. Cool story! She also asks if he has any secret wives, because he’s attractive and hasn’t said anything terribly insulting yet, so clearly he must have something to hide. Sean says what you see is what you get, and given the depth he’s shown so far, I’m inclined to agree.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives. It says “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet…” Everyone struggles to grasp the meaning, and only Alejandro has any idea that it’s Shakespeare. The rest of the guys congratulate themselves for being uncultured idiots, in an almost endearing way. Everyone but Jef is called, so he’ll be getting the one-on-one for the week, much to Kalon’s chagrin.

At dinner, Emily is talking about how she wants to get knocked up ASAP, and only on “The Bachelorette” is the topic of popping out babies acceptable first date conversation. She says that she wants to start having more kids “like yesterday,” a sentiment that actually gives me hives. Sean manages not to flip the table and run out of the room, so Emily rewards him with a rose, make out session, and probably a pretty bad cold, judging by how hoarse Emily is sounding by this point.

I bet this isn’t the only sword fighting that happened among the bachelors.

The group date is in Stratford-Upon-Avon, and Emily is appropriately lauded as a hero for dragging herself out of bed and facing the world, even with a raspy voice. The men are going to be acting out scenes from “Romeo and Juliet,” and no one is excited about it. Montage! All the dudes seem to have fun and joke through it, with the exception of Kalon who was “born to play this role.” Some of the dudes will play Romeo, while the others will have to play the Nurse. HOW HUMILIATING.

Arie does not know what “jaunt” means, Travis can’t pronounce minstrels, Ryan wears a scarf that is even more offensive than his hair, and Kalon is a giant dbag. Showtime!

There is a handsomeness to you.

Kalon is super intense. Doug is pretty funny as the nurse, and he and the Wolf have some serious chemistry. Spinoff! Travis, Alejandro and Chris seem to be the best as a group. Arie’s costume is perfect and despite all his complaining and limited vocabulary, he is able to have fun with it, which Emily appreciates. Ryan is super stoked to kiss Emily. He steals an extra smooch on stage, and the music cues up as we get emotional reactions from the two dudes in drag. LOLz.

Everyone is out of costume and ready for dinner. Arie gets solo time first, and because he wore a dress and had to use big words he didn’t understand, Emily is proud enough of him to make out for a while. No one seems to care about the illness they are most definitely spreading around, but I guess they figure with the fantasy dates coming down the pipe, a little flu between friends is nothing.

Ryan takes Emily to a curtained corner and gives her a turquoise necklace. Emily is shocked that Ryan did something nice, so much so that she isn’t even bothered by all the winking and smarminess coming out of him.

How could you not trust this guy?

Kalon is wallowing in self pity because he hasn’t talked to Emily, and when he does she’s going to be tired and sick and still have a kid. Chris goes to fill in Arie on what he said, and then the two of them spread it to the rest of the guys, because they are in middle school. They all bring Kalon in to answer for his words, and he says he won’t retract it, and that in his mind baggage just equals a big responsibility, and not necessarily a negative thing.

Still, Doug decides to take it upon himself to fill Emily in. She is super pissed off. “I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them.” Emily says, awesomely. I love when people threaten physical violence on this show. Call me a romantic, it just warms my soul. “I want to go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass.”  I think my heart just grew three sizes!

Emily and Doug approach the group, and Doug delivers his opening statements. Kalon again tries to say that baggage wasn’t negative, and that it just means Ricki is a responsibility. Emily keeps yelling about her being a blessing, not a responsibility. I think we can all agree that a human being probably is a pretty massive responsibility, blessing or no, but I’m not the one on trial here. She asks him if he can deny it, he says no, and she tells him to get the fuck out. Emily and Kalon continue to say the same things to each other until she finally walks out, leaving him no choice but to eventually leave the party 4ever.

After Emily takes some time to calm down, she returns to the dudes and lectures them for not telling her sooner. Ryan says it was her call and Arie says he knew she’d have the intuition. Emily is not handing out a rose, and is instead going to go home and snuggle with her sweet girl. Ugh, WE GET IT.

Ricki’s favorite thing in London was the “Brickingham Palace” where the “king and queen and dragon” live. OK fine, it’s cute.

Less romance, more regulating from Jean.

Date time for Jef. He and Emily are going to have a traditional afternoon tea, and of course there’s a surprise in store. It’s an etiquette coach! Woof, that sounds awful. Jef is annoyed that there is a third wheel on their date, Jean the etiquette coach is annoyed that she’s dealing with a couple of tasteless hacks who think they can eat sandwiches with their hands.

Jean does a bang up job pretending that the young lovers walking out on the coaching session wasn’t planned. Someone get this lady an Emmy! Somewhere nearby, Jef and Emily have settled into a local pub to eat fish and chips and drink beer because they are regular, DAMNIT! Jef wants to make sure that Emily knows that he was the one who had the baggage chat with Kalon. They talk about how shitty Kalon is, and Jef says that if Ricki is baggage, she’s a Chloe handbag that he wants to keep forever. Barf.

I feel like Jef is either gay, a virgin, or playing The Game better than anyone else. “No really, I do want to fuck you I SWEAR!”

Now it’s time for dessert on the London Eye. Jef asks Emily where she sees herself in five years, and of course Emily just wants to not be single and probably have a small army of blonde children. Reach for the stars, Emily! She transitions from her truly depressing tunnel vision ambition to Jef and whether or not he wants to bang her, since apparently he hasn’t tried to give her a tongue bath or slip his hand up her skirt yet. He says he does, and spends about five minutes showering her with compliments and talking about how he just wants to be her best friend (but also lover) and do hairbrush karaoke with her daughter 4ever and ever.

Emily talks about how chill and down to earth Jef is, and is excited to offer him the rose. Just as he’s mustering up the courage to kiss her, though, the announcer says they are reaching the bottom. Cock block! He settles for a kiss next to the water, which is still pretty romantic, if you forget about the whole mess of cameras and crew surrounding them.

Cocktail party! The shadow of Kalon’s indiscretions is haunting the mansion; leading to all the one-on-ones to be interrogations of how the dudes are going to step up and defend her honor. This is all so boring and dumb and repetitive, I’ll spare you the details. Travis felt on the spot, Ryan thought it was intense, Arie is scared he’s in trouble.

Ryan continues to be a caricature, as he puts Emily on the balcony and recites the Romeo monologue, and then explain what the lines mean. I know he’s the worst, but his stupid hair and weird antics and comical self confidence is starting to grow on both me and Emily. They make out. I get it.

Since Sean is big and strong, Emily seems to think that he would have pummeled Kalon if he were on the date, and that gets her all hot and bothered. Blah blah blah.

Rose ceremony. Emily’s faith has been restored, and she’s back to thinking one of these schmoes could be her hubby. Sean and Jef already have roses, one dude is going home.

Doug. Ryan. Chris. Wolf. Travis. Arie.

That means Alejandro is going home, which should be surprising to no one. Bye Alejandro! Sorry we never got to know you. You seem normal and should get rid of your earrings.

Don’t be sad, Alejandro! The holes will close up and everyone will forget about the time you wore giant diamond studs. I promise.

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One Response to “The Bachelorette” Season 8, Episode 5: “I want to go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass.”

  1. malin says:

    please get on board the jef train. guy is just super knowledgeable and comfortable with his masculinity. dreamboat. (also the oc caption killed me. so spot-on + combining the two greatest television phenomena to ever air! the best!)

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