Hour 1 – Carly
Previously on “The Bachelorette,” Emily made out with Arie, Sean and Jef all over Europe. Now, she has brought the final three to Curacao. Emily does a bang up job pretending like she had any idea that Curacao was an island and not just a liquor, as she interviews that it is “the perfect place” to finish this. Can you imagine if they took her to the Bahamas instead? She probably would have flipped a table. No Sleep Til Curacao!
Time to recap the remaining dudes, because as usual, this franchise thinks we’re a bunch of dum dums with amnesia. Sean is hot, muscular and played football. He also sort of looks like he could be Emily’s brother – I’m just saying. Jef is a rebel with a skateboard and an ill-advised haircut, and makes Emily laugh. Arie drives a racecar and has had his face on Emily’s face the most by far.
Sean the Ken Doll has the privilege of having the first sex date. Emily has concerns about Sean because, despite saying some variation of “I’m falling for you,” he hasn’t said “I love you” point blank like the other two.They are going to take a helicopter to their own private island. There have been a lot less chopper rides this season, huh? Maybe that’s why the dates have seemed so lackluster. Emily and Sean sit on the beach and rehash the hometown date. Emily says his family mentioned that he tends to treat his GFs like buddies. He talks about how his ex loved him but he wasn’t in love with her, and that’s why he wouldn’t do sweet things, like hold her hand. Really? That’s your example of a “sweet thing?” Low bar, Sean.
Emily says some dumb stuff about Sean hiding his feelings, and he says he’s crazy about her, but because it’s not Those Three Words, she interviews that she still doesn’t know how he feels about her. He even has the nerve to suggest they snorkel in the beautiful crystal-clear water instead of staying on the beach and vocalizing their innermost feelings. It’s ok though, Emily seems confident that she can waterboard an admission of love out of him at dinner.
They are eating on the beach and as usual, it’s completely beautiful. They have literally the exact same conversation again. What with the opening up and the love and all that other bullshit. Sean has written a letter to Ricki, and it’s all nice, if not extraordinarily cloying, but nowhere in it does it say “I LOVE YOU” so Emily is still not satisfied. They talk some more, but I can’t really listen to what they’re saying because there is an army of bugs surrounding them and making So. Much. Noise. Are they communicating? Wouldn’t it be great if all the sudden Emily and Sean were picked up by crazy mutant bugs and then we never heard from them again? That doesn’t happen. At some point Sean must have said he loves her though, because now Emily is saying “that makes me so happy to hear” and making out with him.
She gives him the fantasy suite card, and there is talk about them hanging out but NOTHING MORE. They’re in a hot tub, and again the background noise has taken over. In this case it’s the jets or possibly aggressive farting. Emily wants him to stay the night, but she decides to kick him to the curb because she’s a mother and it goes against everything she stands for. Right, you must hate sex.Jef is next up and he and Emily are going on a huge sailboat. Again, we’re going to talk about the hometown date. Jef says his family approved and he told his parents and they are excited to meet her. The Bachelorette team is having some sound issues this week, because again I can hardly hear anything over the background noise – this time it’s wind. Emily says something about how she’ll keep him out of trouble and he’ll get her into trouble and they balance each other out… and now Jef is interviewing some nonsense about how their relationship is a masterpiece that is being painted? Relax. “The sun is setting here in Curacao, but for me and Emily, a whole life together is just starting.” OH MY GOD, RELAX.
We’re at dinner and the bugs are back. Jef wants to ask Emily some questions about the future. First he wants to know where they’d live. Unsurprisingly, Emily will move where ever Jef is. Next question: why hasn’t it worked out with other dudes? She kind of non-answers and then talks about how he is better than the other dudes she’s dated because he’s funny and makes her feel self confident. Those actually aren’t bad reasons to want to date someone. Better than “nice abs” which seems to be the entire argument for Sean. Sorry, I know people love him… I find him boring! Final question: is Jef a good fit for Ricki. Way to earn point, Jef. She says that when she was home and she was picturing someone with her, he was the one who popped into her head. Man, I was really sold on Arie taking this thing, but Jef might be the dark horse for this.Fantasy suite! He reads it and gives Emily a speech about how he knows it would be amazing, but her daughter will be watching this (oh god I hope he’s wrong about that), and so will his family, and he doesn’t want them to cross any lines. Plus he has a sweet line about how they have the rest of their lives to bang it out in their own personal fantasy suite. They decide to go to the suite and hang for a bit (read: dry hump), before retiring to their own hotel rooms.
Hour 2 – Sarah
In my hiatus from Bacheloretterecaps, something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I’m…an Emily fan? I really want her to find love? I think she’s juggled all of these dudes impressively in an impossible situation, and with the exception of Kalon has also done a really wonderful job of eliminating people in a really kind and respectful way. I want things to work out for her! I know. I’m super invested. Doesn’t mean the show is NOT boring, though!
And it’s even worse for my half this week: it’s only been an hour and we’re 2/3 done with the dates, so we KNOW there’s a lot of crying/rehashing in store. Arie and Emily meet up on a boat and do what they do best, which is make out. They swim with dolphins. Arie has a VO that sounds a little bit like Harrison, which makes me think of the rumors that Emily and Harrison are getting it in, which would be the greatest Bachelor development ever short of Brad coming back for a third season and/or Harrison casting himself on Bachelor Pad. Emily says something about how it’s going to be “really hard,” and I bet that it is. They talk about their best dates so far and the emphasis is mostly on how great it was to make out all over the world, but I feel like people have won for worse reasons, right?
Anyway, they go to dinner. Emily asks Arie about his day-to-day and he says unforgivable things, like “I wake up at 9” and “I eat almost every meal out,” and Emily tells him he’s in for a “rude awakening.” Maybe I’m an Arie apologist, but that doesn’t sound like he’s not ready to be in a serious relationship/take on the responsibility of raising Ricki; it just sort of sounds like what happens when you’re single and live alone and get a little lonely. Meanwhile, I’m going to have to call bullshit on Emily when she says that she WISHES she got up at 6:30 in the morning. Does she get up to milk the cows and churn butter for Ricki’s breakfast every morning? Is she a brain surgeon? No to both? Then let’s relax.
Emily tells Arie she would be willing to move to Scottsdale for him, although I bet wherever he lives is not nearly as nice as Jef’s ranch. Ugh, I want to be ON Jef’s ranch. Both literally and
sexually. metaphorically. They talk about how he’d approach getting to know Ricki, and he says that his strategy would be to bond with her as a friendly presence and then be more of a disciplinarian/father figure once they’ve established a basis of trust. Sounds pretty good to me, although I know I just made it sound sort of creepy, and also he does NOT share his feelings on dance parties. Advantage, Jef. Emily seems impressed by his answer. I honestly think that Emily feels a bit guilty about a dude coming in to the family and Ricki feeling like her mom’s focus is being pulled away from her, which is why she harps so hard on the “BUT WOULDN’T YOU LOVE BEING A DAD TO RICKI” thing. I think in real life she’d be more realistic about the relationship between the dudes and Ricki. Listen to me. Thank god this season is over soon before I quit my job to cover The Bachelor full time/try to see if they still have any spots open for super-fans on Bachelor Pad/.
Aaaaanyway, Emily doesn’t even offer the fantasy suite card to Arie because she doesn’t trust herself to turn him down if he does express interest in banging it out. Innnnnnteresting!
There’s a lot of ridiculous filler with Emily and Chris rehashing things that we’ve just seen, made only marginally more interesting if you imagine that Emily and Chris are secretly boning and the finale is going to have him flying in on helicopter to interrupt Arie or Jef’s proposal and sweep her off her feet. I would die. Emily has to watch those terrible private video messages that the contestants film at the end of every season, where they make their case about why they should win like they’re hostages begging for their lives or something. Sean says he was “so cynical” about the show before he came on. Jef says “on the ferris wheel in London I didn’t want to come down; in Prague on the floor I didn’t want to get up,” so nice try Sean. Arie says that his “heart is always racing toward” Emily. Baaaaaarf/awww.
Long story short, Emily gives Sean the boot. Obviously. They go outside to chat and he says “I feel kinda stupid” which makes me feel for him, but then he follows it up with “I think you should know its gonna hurt me” and his eyes are really dark and beady like they’re contracting with the effort to hold in all of his feelings/tears, and it’s weird. In the limo he doesn’t cry, which I have mixed feelings about. Look, I know it gets weird when they SOB, but I feel like a manly tear or two is fine when you make final three. Not a second before. But once you’ve been on a sex date and been gently coerced into professing your love I feel like it starts to edge into sociopath territory if you go Full Stoic in the limo. Just my opinion. The opinion of a super fan. CALL ME, ARIE, JEF OR BRAD! BRAAAAAAAAD! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!!