Ughhhh. You guys. I’m already so tired and all that’s happened is the “This season on The Bachelor” sizzle reel. It looks like Sean’s season will be exactly the same as Ben F.’s, except this time with more violence. That should be fun, actually. Ames’s concussion and subsequent decline into mental retardation during Ashley’s season is probably my favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette memory in recent memory.
Apparently no one deserves to find love more than Sean. Because he went on a reality TV show and toured the world for free. So many rough memories, I bet. I remember when I was flying home from Phoenix and my flight was two hours delayed, and then the only cute guy in sight took a window seat instead of squeezing between me and an enormous man. Where are my 25 beautiful, willing men, Chris Harrison? Shit’s happened to me too!
All right. Let’s get this show on the road. Sean’s “good friend” Arie (runner up from Sean’s season, for those of you who don’t watch the show. Hi Dad) is coming over to rehash their season and bro out. You guys. Sean’s arms are HUGE. What is even going on? I think I could live in his bicep. Comfortably. I could do yoga in his bicep and probably host a small dinner party. I think this is supposed to be the comedic relief portion of the episode, as Sean and Arie do some practice breakups and Arie teaches Sean how to kiss. Thousands of ladies burst into flames when the dudes come close, but fail to actually make out.
Video intro packages for the interesting people include a super tan girl with a yorkie, a single mom of two, a beautiful blonde with one arm, a creepy fanfic lover, a model who is maybe sleeping with her personal trainer? And an emotionally damaged professional organizer.
Sean arrives to the mansion wearing a skinny tie and way too much bronzer. Limo introductions are so dumb. I’m just going to talk about the weirdos. OK, well Selma doesn’t really do anything weird, but I’m terrified nonetheless. I can’t even explain why. I think Selma might be a witch. Oh jesus. Kelly the cruise ship entertainer is wearing even more bronzer than Sean is, and introduces herself by grunting a country song about the two of them being in love or something. I can’t be sure. I blackout anytime anyone tries to serenade someone on this show. Ashley P., the 50 Shades of Gray lover wants Sean to tie her up later. I actually kind of am on board with Ashley’s brand of crazy. Robin tries to tumble in and falls and it’s embarrassing/endearing. OH hey! It’s Paige from Bachelor Pad! She was the most normal superfan, but she did willingly and openly characterize herself as a “superfan,” so that’s probably still a red flag.
Tierra, the girl looking to find a daddy for her yorkie comes out and shows Sean a tattoo on her finger of an unfinished heart. She wants Sean to complete it. Barf. He stares into her eyes for a second and then runs away. What if he came back with a matching prison tattoo. “Yo, Chris! Can you brand me real quick?” Unfortunately it’s not that. He wants to give her a rose right off the bat. Whatever. Everyone’s going to hate her now.
Oh no. Oooh no. Lindsay, a 24-year-old substitute teacher, shows up in a wedding dress, says “you may now kiss the bride,” and makes Sean kiss her. Sean pretends that he’s not terrified. “She’s showing off her personality!” he says, through gritted teeth as the vein in his forehead pulses.
That’s 25! Are we done? Of course we’re not done. Someone has requested to come back to meet Sean. It’s Kacie B from Ben’s season. Remember when she got dumped and then laid on the floor in the hotel hallway? I hope she hasn’t matured at all since then. That would be disappointing. All the girls hate her. She should go hang out with the first rose girl.
Cocktail party time! Sean sits down with Kacie. Apparently they hung out not too long ago at a Bachelor hangout, and she left with a huge crush on him. So I’m assuming they slept together, because I have watched enough behind the scenes shows to know that Bachelor hangouts are basically FCC sanctioned orgies.
Desiree, a bridal consultant/designer, is normal and cute and talks about her siblings. Sean thinks she’s sweet and offers her a rose. I actually like her so far, so good job Sean. When she comes back inside with her rose, chaos ensues. “Are there TWO first impression roses?” someone screeches. Up is down, down is up. Nothing makes sense to anyone anymore. Sean has thrown out the playbook. This is anarchy.
It turns out there really are no rules, as Sean decides to just hand out roses willy nilly, any time someone tickles his fancy. Is this allowed? Harrison? Can you text me real quick because I feel like maybe Sean is trying to edge you out. Did you guys have a fight? Is this a coup d’etat? Use emojis if you’re feeling some things.
Where was I? OH right. Quick cuts show lots of ladies getting roses in rapid succession, including Selma, who still frightens me for reasons I can’t quite explain.
Now we’re reconnecting with Lindsay, of the wedding dress/forced kiss. She’s worried that Sean didn’t get the joke, and she’s also worried because she is less than sober. She slow dances with Sean and slurs “gimme a kiss” and “I swear I’m not contagious.” Sean says she’s “too much.” The “had” and “to drink” are implied. He walks away without offering up a rose.
Ashley P., of the “please tie me up with this tie” has gotten super drunk. She can’t stop dancing. Incidentally, her drunk dance moves are exactly the same as my sober dance moves. She whips out the tie again while they’re chatting and seductively/sloppily plays with it and then falls down the stairs once she gets back inside. Ashley P., call me if you’re ever in NY. You seem fun.
Everyone is getting super intense because of the free for all that Sean has initiated. It’s the Hunger Games up in here. Weapons mostly include tears and cleavage and wine mouth.
Sarah, the one armed blonde, is feeling insecure and is one of the only ones not knocking ladies over to talk to Sean. Finally, after enough of the gals are nice to her, she pulls Sean aside. They chat about normal stuff first, and then she makes a point to say that she doesn’t want him to feel uncomfortable or like he can’t acknowledge that she’s missing an arm, because it’s just a thing that happens to be different about her. She comes off as totally cool and confident and gets a rose, natch (although, really, what were the odds that Sean was going to send home the girl born with one arm on the first night? Right? Am I a bad person? Moving on…)
Now it’s time for Sean to hand out the remaining roses to the B Team. 12 gals have roses already, and there are 7 roses left. Kacie B. and some ladies who didn’t get much screen time get through. The final rose goes to Lindsay, the drunk bride. Tonight’s casualties are: Kerriann (who?), Paige from Bachelor Pad, Kelly the orange cruise ship singer, Ashley H. who introduced herself as “Barbie” and claims to be a fashion model, Lacey (Huh?), Lauren (IDK), and Ashley P., my number one homegirl, whose exit package is perfect in every way.
And that’s our first episode! One down, a frillion to go. Looks like there’s a lot of drama this season, SURPRISE! Also, per the terms of every Bachelor contract, Sean will lean and stare pensively off a balcony at least three times. I’ll be here all season! Join me on what is sure to be the most dramatic/romantic/shocking/controversial season in Bachelor history!