Man. Having the super average Ben for a bachelor made me forget that typically every intro voiceover is paired with a montage of shirtless antics. Today, we get to watch Sean lift just enough weight to make his chest sweaty, followed by some slow, sensual showering. It’s kind of gross, but also it’s nice that we’re not JUST objectifying the women on this show.
The first date for the night is a one-on-one with Sarah, who is noteworthy because she only has one arm. Everyone is jealous, but the reign it in because they don’t want to look like assholes. Sean arrives in a helicopter (first helicopter!) to pick her up. As usual, everyone acts like this is soooo special, and I roll my eyes and reach for my drink because after 16 full seasons, that is my Pavlovian response to seeing any chopper.
Sarah and Sean land on top of a skyscraper. They’re going to freefall down 300 feet and then have a champagne toast. In a truly shocking twist, they reach the ground without incident, and also find a way to work in a metaphor about what this means about love.
At dinner, Sarah tells a story about how one time in Vegas she wasn’t allowed to go zip lining, and that this was the moment that her dad told her she needed a strong man to help her navigate these difficult situations. OK. Two things: first, being denied from a Vegas zip lining operation is the tragic moment that made you realize things were going to be hard? I mean, I’m not saying that you have to have a sob story on this show, but if anyone is going to trot one out, I expect it from the one armed gal. And she brings zip lining to the table? I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. And second, sounds like dad is doing a bang up job teaching his daughter that she can do anything and her disability won’t hold her back – provided that there’s a big, strong man to eliminate any obstacles first. Obviously Sean is super into it. “I do consider myself a man, and I feel like a man should protect you,” he says, as I pound my head against the wall.
Back at the mansion a whole slew of ladies get invited on a group date. It’s for 13 of the women, and leads to the first “I’m not here to make friends” mention, so everyone take a drink.
Back on the date, Sean takes Sarah back up to the roof and gives her the rose and they kiss and Sarah ALREADY says she feels like she’s falling in love with Sean. Jeez louise, this is going to be a long season.
Group date time! There are a million women on this date, there’s no way I’m going to be able to keep track. Sean and the gals are going to be modeling for the covers of Harlequin romance novels. HAHA group dates are so dumb.
One of the Mensa scholars explains the concepts for the four shoots as “cowgirls, vampires, sexy, and historical.” Leslie the political consultant is the first to be instructed to kiss Sean during the shoot, but despite the stink eyes, Tierra is the one that everyone actually hates since she was the one who got the first rose, and that is an unforgivable crime. Kristy, the professional model, wins the shoot and will be rubbing Sean’s chest on three book covers.
Cocktail party – Leslie is there for love, and there are a lot of almost kisses between them, which Sean thinks is cute. Leslie interviews for about 45 minutes about what it all means and if she should have just gone for it, but she’s a southern gal and she doesn’t want to go for it because HE should make the move, but maybe she should have? Leslie might be a little drunk. Eventually she finds him and makes out with him. Cool cool cool.
Kacie B. is into Sean because he “treated [her] like a lady,” so I guess he took her out for breakfast after?
Tierra is in a bad mood, and has made sure that Sean and all the other girls take notice. During their alone time, she whines about how hard it is to share him, so that he has no choice but to wildly reassure her. Something tells me Tierra has seen a season or two of “The Bachelor” in her 24 years.
Katie, the cute curly haired yoga instructor, feels very uncomfortable in the situation, and tells Sean as much –promptly exiting in a very non-dramatic fashion. Bye, Katie! Your hair is fun.
Sean gives Kacie the rose for having the courage to come back a second time. Sean and I have different understandings of what the word “courage” means.
The last date is a one-on-one with Desiree, who is the bridal designer. Sean wants to test her sense of humor, so he’s going to make her believe that she has single handedly destroyed a one-of-a-kind, million dollar piece of art. Hilarious, right?
So they go to the art gallery, and are taken into the private room to view the 1.5 million dollar piece. Sean leaves, she pretends to be interested as an actor tells her the piece is made from windows of Chernobyl following the disaster and other reasons why she should be particularly conscious of its value, and the artist comes in and yells at her, and not only is this not funny, it’s also pretty mean. I am going to go out on a limb and say I am a person with a decent sense of humor, and if I thought I ruined something that valuable and I made the kind of money I assume a bridal consultant/designer makes, I’d be pretty freaked out. Whatever, she’s a good sport about it in that she doesn’t cry or yell or stand up for herself at all, so Sean’s going to let her eat dinner as a reward.
At dinner, Sean and Desiree talk about their parents and love and all the usual topics, and Sean says he’s already super comfortable with her. Good thing, because otherwise getting mostly naked and into a hot tub, which is obviously what is next on the date, might be weird! In the hot tub, Sean says that Desiree has seen every side of him, which no one else has been able to do so far. Well, Sean, you’ve only been on one other real date, so maybe relax a little bit. Whatever. He gives her the rose, they make out in the water, Sean’s super gung-ho, and I’m just waiting for her ex to show up and ruin things like we saw in season promos.
Cocktail party! Wedding dress Lindsay has avoided the champagne, and is set on proving she’s not a crazy person. They talk about how they both want to marry their best friend like their parents did, which has been a theme for tonight, and which gives Sean a boner since he’s all about the family dynamic.
Amanda, who I don’t remember from last week at all, is stewing in a corner and refusing to say anything, and making everyone super uncomfortable. She’s not socializing, and therefore is deemed to be “not there for the right reasons” by all the other women. “I feel like tonight is literally a tornado of negativity waiting to happen,” says Daniella, in this season’s first, but certainly not last, misuse of the word “literally.”
Robyn, whose name I misspelled last week, is concerned that Sean may not be into black women. Sean says he doesn’t have a physical type, and that despite his blonde hair and blue eyes, “[he’s] dated everybody.” Congratulations world, we did it!
Rose ceremony. There are still way too many women to say everyone who got a rose, so let’s just cut right to who was blessedly released from this den of nightmares. The final rose goes to the largely hated Amanda, who couldn’t be bothered to brush her hair for the party. That means Brooke and Diana are going home. Both of them are sad to go, but don’t shed any tears because they are adults.
Next week: ambulance!!!!!!!!!