“The Bachelor” Season 17, Episode 3: Sean Lowe kisses everyone

OK.

OK.

Today in shirtless Sean – a light jog on the treadmill. He doesn’t appear to be working very hard, but he is dripping with sweat and/or oil, so cool. He talks about how he didn’t think he’d have feelings so fast, but he’s “really digging a lot of women.” So special. So romantic.

Harrison is giving the gals the rundown for the week. Two one-on-ones, one group date. The first date is going to Lesley the political consultant. Sean picks her up in a limo and takes her to the Guiness World Record museum and Lesley is definitely pissed that she’s not in a helicopter or private jet.

Sean reveals that his dad holds the world record for basically driving a lot. Lesley is floored even though it’s really not that impressive. I mean, there are a lot of really stupid records, and as we’re about to find out, pretty much any idiot can get in the book if they have enough time on their hands.

Which takes us to the real reason for the date. Lesley and Sean are going to break the record for longest on screen kiss, which is currently held at 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. You guys. I just. I can’t. At about this time I received the following text message from Sarah: “watching Sean kiss makes me literally want to vom,” and you know what they say about great minds.

What are the odds that the guy in the back/right corner is masturbating during this shot?

What are the odds that the guy on the left is masturbating during this shot?

Sean and Lesley suck face while a crowd of really creepy strangers cheers them on. Luckily it’s a pretty awkward, chaste kiss (aside from some light groping), so Sean does not also get the record for longest on screen boner. But hey! It’s only episode 3. But they have the record, which is celebrated with confetti, as is custom.

After the break Sean and Lesley are having cocktails. Lesley mentions that she loved middle school and high school and then goes on and on about how she was such a nerd because she took AP classes and studied a lot. Oh shut up. Can we all agree that being ambitious and successful and caring about grades is not something that anyone needs to be embarrassed about or apologize for? Also it’s not nerdy. It’s the expected standard. Applying yourself and being smart are good thing, Lesley. UGH. Anyway, Sean is very comfortable with her and they kiss more, but this time it’s just a regular, unimportant kiss and there’s no confetti at the end.

Sean picks up the rose and talks about the connecting and the feelings and other BS and offers her the rose. They’re both excited. They kiss. Still not a record, but for some reason there is confetti this time, so I guess nothing is sacred.

The next day is a group date for 12 women, so hell no am I naming everyone. The card said something about winning Sean’s heart, so everyone is waiting to hear about a competition. After some light male objectification, Harrison arrives to harsh everyone’s mellow. The gals are going to be split into two teams and forced to play a game of beach volleyball. The winning team gets to hang with Sean into the evening; the losers go back to the mansion. Daniella says this is “literally [her] worst nightmare,” so I guess she’s never seen an episode of “Law and Order: SVU.”

Picture 12The game is ridiculous. Everyone is to the ground, diving to keep the ball in play. The women discuss the stakes of the game in a way that indicates that the losers will be thrown into a fiery pit, rather than going back to a well appointed mansion with a never ending supply of booze.

The winners are: Kacie, Desiree, Robyn, Amanda, Lindsay and… someone else. I know there are six, but whoever mystery number 6 is, she didn’t get any screentime and I am too lazy to rewind. SORRY.

Lindsay sits down with Sean and talks about how amazing he is, and how when she falls in love, she “gives everything to that person.” That sounds healthy. And then she and Sean share what is maybe the most disgusting kiss I’ve witnessed in my entire life.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Desiree and Sean have some boring small talk, and they kiss a little and Des is pretty sure she’s going to get the rose based on the established connection they have. Desiree’s confidence is admirable, but she doesn’t seem to know that Sean just spent a few minutes licking Lindsay’s face.

Back at the mansion, the date card comes. Tierra reads it and says that it’s for AshLee… and Selma. Except really it’s just for AshLee and Tierra was making a hilarious joke. Maybe she and Sean really are made for each other. Between Sean’s super funny prank last week and Tierra’s killer sense of humor, they could have a relationship built on all the laffs.

Amanda, who was the sulker at the cocktail party last week that everyone hated, is telling Sean that she has everything he’s looking for. Desiree talks mad shit to the other girls about how Amanda is here for the wrong reason, and not the same around him as with the other girls, and blah blah blahhh. Amanda returns to the girls and sasses the shit out of Desiree and it’s kind of amazing? Kacie notices the drama and decides that the best thing to do is tell Sean.

Pro tip: If your date ever makes this face at you, your date is officially not going well.

Pro tip: If your date ever makes this face at you, your date is officially not going well.

She sits him down, and as soon as she mentions that there is tension between two girls, he completely ices up. “Why are you saying something to me?” he asks. She pulls the classic move of claiming that she’s not a drama person, as she is in the midst of going out of her way to stir up drama. “I just want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person that I’m seeing,” he says. HAHA. I hope Sean continues to label the crazies because that’s great.

Sean gives Lindsay the rose, and Kacie cries that she’s “really scared of what’s going to happen to [her].” Are they beheading the cast offs now?

The next day, AshLee is getting ready for her date, and showing off some of that super cool controlling energy that makes her such a good professional organizer. “Nothing will or can go wrong today,” she says – flashing her crazy eyes for the world. Just then there’s some banging and shrieking and the camera cuts to Tierra lying on the stairs. Of course, this just happens to be the exact moment that Sean walks into the house.

"I can't believe I'm in THE Bachelor Pad right now!" -That paramedic.

“I can’t believe I’m in THE Bachelor Pad right now!” -That paramedic.

The paramedics show up, and Tierra immediately starts whining about how she wants to be left alone and she doesn’t need to go to the hospital. All the other girls start suspecting that this was all a ploy. They might be right, because after Tierra declines medical attention, Sean spends a while cuddling her while AshLee gets angrier and angrier.

Finally, Sean and Ashlee head out for their date. Sean wants to see if Ashlee has some kid in her, because he’s a big kid at heart.  What is up with this this overwhelming desire for everyone to behave like babies? I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but I think I want to date an adult? Maybe I’m the weirdo, though.

Giraffe.

Giraffe.

So in order to prove that AshLee is emotionally stunted enough for Sean, they are playing in an empty Six Flags theme park. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! It’s also some weird charity nonsense. They have invited two girls who suffer from a chronic illness and who have become friends online, but have yet to meet in person. They arrive separately, and they are very excited to see each other and it’s sweet and I will try not to make fun of what is happening even though there is a darkness inside of me that makes it impossible for me to not roll my eyes during Sean’s self satisfied interviews.

The Eli Young Band shows up to play a private concert, and everyone is still feeling great about themselves. The editors treat us to a montage of the events that literally JUST happened. Guys, I remember. It was two minutes ago. I remember the theme park.

Eli Young Band: always right behind you.

Eli Young Band: always right behind you.

AshLee and Sean have ditched the girls, and have some alone time to get to know each other. AshLee gets real and tells Sean that she was abused in foster care, and didn’t get adopted until she was six. She tells the story of the first time she met her dad, and him falling in love with her, and it’s actually really nice and heartwarming and I think Sean might have teared up? Come on, show. Don’t be genuine. That’s not what we’re here for. Obviously she gets the rose. And then they dance because, surprise! The Eli Young Band has been there THE WHOLE TIME.

Cocktail party! Sean pulls Sarah outside, and a limo pulls up. She thinks he’s sending her home, but really he brought her dog, Leo to see her. She’s so excited, and it’s kind of cute, until she says that she’s “never felt so special or so cared for in [her] entire life.”

Then there’s a bunch of one-on-ones, and everyone is stealing Sean away from everyone. Desiree steals Sean from Tierra, Tierra steals him back, Lesley interrupts, then Robyn, Leslie H. etc. etc. etc. Desiree is still sitting where Sean left her, waiting for him to return and looking sad.

Kacie apologizes for the other night, and acknowledges that the conversation put them behind, and then of course they are interrupted because apparently there’s a clause in everyone’s contract that forbids them from saying, “hold on real quick.”

RIP Kacie.

R.I.P.

Rose ceremony. Sean picks up a rose and hesitates for a while before pulling Kacie outside for a chat. He says that they hit it off as friends before the show, and he respects her too much to make her sit through another ceremony when he just doesn’t see it happening. Smell ya later, Kacie.

Roses go to: Tierra, Leslie H., Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda, aaaaaaaaaaand Desiree. Taryn and Kristy are leaving. They are both sad. I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lives in the time it took me to get through this episode.

Next week: roller derby, and everyone hates Tierra. See you there!

Advertisements
This entry was posted in The Bachelor and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to “The Bachelor” Season 17, Episode 3: Sean Lowe kisses everyone

  1. Sofia says:

    Ok so I know you wrote this post about a year ago (but that season of the bachelor just aired in sweden (and I don’t really know why i watch it)).. anyway.. Just wanted to say I think you’re so funny and a great writer. I laughed a lot reading your texts!

    Cheers!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s