Tonight, things are starting off a little differently. Rather than a shirtless Sean, we have Harrison delivering the first date—oh no wait, here we go. It’s Sean in nothing but a pair of boxer briefs picking out what to wear. Thank god the crew was here to capture this momentous occasion!
The first date is going to Selma. In her interview she says she wants to take things to the “next level and then the next level and then the next level and then have babies,” so she’s definitely not getting ahead of herself at all, or you know, being a crazy person.
The limo takes them to a runway where a private plane is waiting for them. Selma is thrilled, and Sean says that she probably thinks they’re going somewhere super glamorous. I notice Selma is wearing a sports bra and has her hair pulled back, so probably the producers told her she needed to wear exercise clothes and maybe we can assume Selma’s so stupid to think she would be asked to wear yoga pants to a gala, Sean.
They land somewhere in the desert, and Selma is upset because she does not do well in heat. At all. “I feel puffy, so this should be interesting,” she says. If by interesting, she means extremely grating, then I have a feeling she’s right!
They are going rock climbing at Joshua Tree Park, and Selma is nervous because she normally wears six-inch heels. Ugh. After complaining non-stop for the first 20 feet or so, Selma gets a wave of adrenaline, and the music changes from ominous to adventurous as she starts to find her footing on the mountain. They make it to the top and congratulate themselves for not dying. I hate Selma.
“Selma loved everything about today’s date,” Sean lies. They go to some ridiculous fake “country glam” trailer park, which I would assume is a nice slap in the face to people who actually live in trailers. They snuggle up and Selma talks a little about growing up in a conservative Arabic family. She interviews that if she kissed someone on national television, her mom would “literally have a heart attack.” This show would be so different if part of the application process involved correctly using the word literally in a sentence.
Sean says he wants to kiss Selma, and she baby-talk whispers that she can’t. She says that her mom is really unhappy that she’s gone on the show at all, since dating is usually something that is kept quiet and private in her culture. As their conversation continues, Selma nuzzles further and further into Sean, and her speech regresses to that of a four year old. It’s the worst. There are a million shots of Selma and Sean being OH. SO. PAINED that they can’t kiss each other. Dumb dumb dumb.
Group date time! As usual, the gals try to decode the meaning of the date card – in this case, something about rolling with the punches. Lindsay amazingly guesses that the date will involve them getting into giant hamster balls and rolling down a hill. IF ONLY!
Actually, it’s roller derby, which we all knew since this was just about the only group date footage used in this season’s sizzle reel. Poor one-armed Sarah is having a particularly difficult time, and cries in an interview that in times like these she wishes she were just a normal girl.
All-knowing Sean interviews that he wants her to do it because he’s sure she’ll feel a huge sense of accomplishment once she’s done. Ugh. First of all: thanks, Sean for telling us what’s best for Sarah and having such unmatched insight into not only what she’s feeling now, but what you’re CERTAIN she’ll be feeling later. No, no. Don’t ask her, we trust you. Second of all, she does have something that makes this extremely difficult for her, and this is supposed to be a fun date, not a triumph of the spirit human-interest piece. If she wants to sit out, just let her! But naturally, after a pep talk Sarah decides to give it a go so she can prove her worth to stupid Sean.
Then Amanda completely eats it and slams her face into the ground. The medics arrive to make sure Amanda didn’t shatter her jaw, even though she’s talking and functioning normally and doesn’t even seem to be in that much pain, but whatever. I guess it’s important to avoid lawsuits, so sure.
Sean decides that rather than have the girls kill each other, he’s going to declare the rest of the afternoon a free skate. Everyone acts like he’s is the best guy in the world, even though he probably just doesn’t want to have to deal with any more frivolous trips to the ER.
Later, it’s the post skate dinner party, and right away Sean pulls Sarah aside to patronizingly tell her how well she did and how proud of her he is. Tierra is being a huge a-hole to the other girls, and is mad that Sarah and Amanda are getting extra attention because of their difficulties that day.
To be fair, Amanda freely admits that she’s trying to play the sympathy card. She whines to Sean about how much pain she’s in until he gives her a quick kiss on the chin, and then jokes that she should have told him she got her tonsils out so he’d make out with her. It’s not a great joke, but it’s definitely one that I would make, so we’ll give her a pass this time.
Back at the mansion, Leslie H. gets the other one-on-one date, along with a pair of earrings to wear. “This is like Pretty Woman!” she yells. That’s a movie about a hooker.
Robyn wants to know what happened with Amanda’s injury, and she forgets to name Tierra’s when she’s asking the other teammates. Tierra thinks that this was a calculated move and says something about girls versus women, which is one of my favorite Bachelorisms, so drink. Anyway, Tierra is really making a big deal of this whole Robyn not saying her name thing, as she interviews that she can’t stay and be tortured anymore. She finds a producer and cries that she wants to leave. Haha, Tierra you’re hilarious. You’re not going anywhere. You’re going to stay until someone pulls the rose out of your cold, dead hands.
Just as Sean is about to cop a feel on Lindsay in the hot tub, Tierra tearfully emerges from the shadows and demands a word. This plays out exactly as Tierra hoped, as Sean convinces her that he likes her and wants her to stay, and it’s not about the other girls, and all the other things that every Bachelor has said when any of the girls threaten to bounce. He tells her to stay there and leaves, presumably to get the rose, and she hilariously raises her eyebrow and grins at the camera. Tierra = slightly less diabolical Courtney. She gets the rose, they make out, everyone is pissed, THE END.
Date for Leslie! Sean really knows and respects women, as he says that every girl loves Pretty Woman, so he’s going to take Leslie shopping on Rodeo Drive. Of course, Leslie doesn’t do anything to dispel this, as she repeatedly gushes that it’s a dream come true. She picks out a dress and some other stuff I think. I zoned out. Shopping is so boring. And then he takes her to visit Bachelor BFF Neil Lane for some jewelry. The music swells as if this is the most romantic moment in the history of the world. “Sean has totally taken control and made me feel more like a woman than I’ve ever, ever felt in my whole life,” is a real sentence that comes out of Leslie’s mouth, so that’s fucking terrible.
Now that Sean has dressed and styled Leslie to his liking, it’s time for dinner. He keeps talking about how romantic the date is, and how he hopes something clicks with Leslie, so that probably means she’s going home. They talk about past relationships, and then about families/parents, because that’s all Sean knows how to talk about. Blah blah blah there’s no connection, so let’s not waste any more time. Later, Les! At least you get to keep the earrings?
HAHA! There was a planned private concert for later, but since Sean wasn’t feeling it, we get to listen to Ben Taylor sing as Sean sadly walks through the hallways and leans over the banister while Leslie cries in the limo. Perfect. WAIT! And then he drops the rose. Now it’s perfect.
Cocktail party! “You can definitely sense that there are fewer girls standing in the room tonight,” says Tierra, who knows how to count. Anyway – noteworthy chats during the rose ceremony: AshLee wants Sean to know she’s developing feelings and doesn’t care about the other girls, Robyn uses chocolate as a pick up line prop and gets a kiss out of it. Speaking of Robyn, Tierra pretends to want to bury the hatchet, even though she instigated ALL the dramz on the group date. Whatever. This is boring because we already saw Courtney do it so much better in Ben’s season. HOWEVER, I will concede that “Tierrable” is a great nickname.
So Tierrable is telling Sean that even though she literally hid in the shadows and wept during the group date, she’s totally not a dramatic person at all. Catherine, who has been mostly nonexistent thus far, pull Sean aside and tells him how attracted to him she is. They go out front so they can baby talk about how fun they both are and then make out. Sean is such a make out slut. It’s great.
Rose time! Sean is confident his wife is in the room, and he’s looking forward to continuing to make out with her and several of her friends for one more week. Roses go to: Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie aaaaaand Daniella. Which means that despite her near death experience, Amanda is out. Amanda is also dressed like she’s auditioning to be an extra for Boardwalk Empire, so that’s weird. Anyway, she’s sad and heartbroken and all those other perfectly normal feelings to have for someone you’ve known for less than a month.
Next week: two episodes in two nights? Exhausting! The traveling begins, which always fills me with rage. Plus more Tierra drama, and yet another paramedic visit! I hope they are using the same medics. Those guys deserve their SAG card. See ya then!