“The Bachelor” Season 17, Episode 5 (part 1): OMG WHY IS THERE ANOTHER EPISODE ON TONIGHT?!

Oscar winning excitement.

Oscar winning excitement.

Oh boy. Four hours this week, you guys. That’s a lot of abs and a lot of crying to get through. Tonight is the first half of this “special Bachelor event”, and I’m going to try to keep it brief for all of our sakes. Chris greets the remaining women and tells them that this week will have a group date, a one-on-one date, and a two-on-one date. The girls all gasp, because everyone knows that whoever doesn’t make it through the two-on-one gets their boobs cut off. Chris also tells everyone to pack up because they are heading to Montana. The ladies do a fairly decent job of pretending that they’re not disappointed.

Sean talks about how he’s an outdoorsy guy, and how the ladies are going to be challenged by being forced to “rough it.” Being outside is hard when you’re a woman! Daniella, who has yet to spend a moment alone with Sean, says she’s excited to hang out with her boyfriend. 😦

The one-on-one date goes to Lindsay. She’s so excited she cries, which is just so sad. Sean picks her up and takes her outside where a helicopter is waiting. “Is that a helicopter?” she asks. Um… are you not sure, Lindsay? Unrelated, Lindsay is a substitute teacher and therefore influences young minds at least some of the time.

They have a picnic in a national park, and Sean loves that she’s so “outdoorsy” because she hasn’t complained that much yet. They dumbly stare at each other and blather on about “really knowing” each other and make out a lot. Lindsay is feeling blessed. I am feeling a dangerous combination of pity and nausea.

In the evening, Sean wants to “go a little bit deeper.” Yeah he does. Lindsay talks about being an army brat – she uses the word “adolescent,” which is definitely the biggest word we’ll hear come out of her mouth, so snaps for Linds. Sean treats Lindsay’s nomadic childhood with the same gravity that he placed on AshLee’s terrible beginning or Sarah’s one arm, which makes all the sense. He tells her she’s amazing, and then they get back to making out, because who wants to spend time actually getting to know each other, right?

The group date card arrives, and everyone is terrified to find out who will be left for the two-on-one. Group date is for Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and Daniella. That means Tierra and Jackie are going on the two-on-one date. And because Tierra is dramarama and also maybe gets hypothermia this episode, I think we can all prepare for Jackie’s departure.

Nightmare.

Nightmare.

Back on the date, Sean tells Lindsay that he thinks she’s going to be an incredible wife and gives her a rose. If a guy ever told me he thought I was going to be an incredible wife after hanging out for like two weeks, there would be a big Carly-shaped hole in the wall.  And of course there’s a fucking concert right outside wherever they are. And while it’s not a private concert, they do force Sean and Lindsay to slow dance on a platform in the middle of the crowd, which is maybe worse.

Today’s group day is another high activity date. Sean doesn’t necessarily need an outdoorsman for a wife, he says, but he does want someone who will wear heels one day and then get down and dirty the next day. Whatever, I hate everything about that sentence.

The date is happening on a farm, where there are a bunch of goats tied up. “Are those dogs?” someone asks. GIRLS. What is even happening? You are adult human beings. You know what a helicopter is, and you know what a goat is. Come on! Chris is there to explain a relay race that consists of racing canoes, bucking hay, sawing a log and milking a goat. But wait! There’s more! One of more of the gals has to drink the goats milk in order to win. This is so fucking stupid. Red team: Selma, Desiree, Sarah and Robyn. Blue team: AshLee, Lesley, Daniella and Catherine. As always, losers will be sent immediately back to the hotels and then flayed, I assume.

This date was basically a more boring version of Fear Factor.

This date was basically a more boring version of Fear Factor.

Everyone is terrible at canoeing because women don’t belong there. Finally the blue team docks and starts bucking the hay. That proves to be difficult, so the red team catches up. They get to the log first, and move along to the cow well ahead of blue. Finally, Desiree chugs the milk, and red wins.

Sean and the red team meet for dinner, but Sean can’t shake the feeling that he shouldn’t have sent the blue girls home. He decides to bend the rules because apparently Sean is the king of the world and he has no respect for the 16 PREVIOUS SEASONS that have dictated that losers need to stay home and cry like their collective puppy was just beheaded. Anyway, blue team is going to dinner, so whatever.

Sean breaks the news to the red team, and everyone is pissed. Desiree in particular, since she basically took a goat milk shower to get extra one-on-one time. Meanwhile, the losers are getting ready to join for dinner. “The girls are literally going to die when we show up,” Daniella says. Okay. Tierra, who was never even going to be on the date, is also mad for some reason? And decides she’s going to crash the date. Cool cool cool.

Is this a still from a horror movie? COULD BE!

Is this a still from a horror movie? COULD BE!

Tierra sneaks in while Sean is interviewing. She covers his eyes, and the sound people throw in a nice BUM BUM to send us into commercials. After commercials, we see the entire thing again – I guess in case we forgot? Anyway, Tierra is there to complain about the two-on-one; even though she already said about a hundred times that she was thrilled about the two-on-one in front of the other girls. Tierra, girl, you crazy.

Desiree’s alone time gets interrupted, which bothers her because she chugged warm milk. AshLee says a lot of inane things about how much she adores him. And then they make out.

“Catherine is someone who I just want to snuggle with,” Sean says. Sure. Daniella comes outside to see Catherine sitting on Sean’s lap, and immediately dissolves into tears. Finally, Sean asks her to hang out and she’s still crying and talking about being emotional. That’s ok, you’re a woman! It’s what we do! Sean reassures her and kisses her and gives her a rose. Sean loves giving out a reassurance rose.

Ugh. Two-on-one time. This is going to be insufferable. The trio goes horseback riding for so long. Jackie is on a slow moving horse, and is largely left out of this part of the date. Jackie wants to talk to Sean about Tierra, because there apparently things he needs to know. OH Jackie this is such a bad idea! So she launches into it. Allegedly she saw a cute guy at the airport and commented on that and flirted with him. HAH. Of all the things, that’s what she’s going to pull out? That she was nice to a stranger? GOOD STUFF. Snitches get stitches, Jackie! Except in this case she gets kisses because Sean can’t be within a foot of a woman without making out with her.

This looks fun.

This looks fun.

Dinner time! It’s super awkward. Sean he lies that he’s conflicted about who to choose. He pulls Tierra aside, and Tierra lays it on reeeeal thick. She’s scared, she has a big heart, her last boyfriend was in and out of rehab and then he DIED. Welp. That’s the ballgame. Sean returns to the table, says that his relationship with Jackie has been slower to develop, and then praises Tierra for opening up. Jackie’s face falls, and Sean offers the rose to Tierra. Of course. Also, we all saw the promos of Tierra nearly dying of hypothermia or whatever, so we all knew she was coming back, right? Come on, show. Jackie cries, Tierra laughs menacingly, the end.

Man oh man. It’s already rose ceremony time, even though this episode is far from finished. This does not bode well. Desiree grabs Sean first, and she’s frustrated that Sean keeps giving roses to the crazy, needy girls. She wants reassurance, and vaguely alludes to his decisions (TIERRA), and he immediately tenses up and gets weird, saying that the conversation made him have doubts.

Back to the Tierra as a menace plotline! She interviews that she wants to punch everyone, and then storms out of the room when someone mentions that they were sad to see Jackie leave. Everyone is annoyed, but no one more than Robyn. She approaches her and says that she’s sick of her being an a-hole when they are alone, and then being nice when the cameras are on. Then Tierra says that she’s over it and if she wants to get engaged, she’ll just find another schmuck to put a ring on it.

LOL at Sean's creeper smile.

LOL at Sean’s creeper smile.

After the break, Sean walks through the room just in time to hear Tierra yelling at Robyn about how her stinger comes out because she’s a Scorpio. Tierra would use astrology in an argument. Sean starts to consider that she might actually be a nut job, but when he talks to her she puts on the sweet face and plays the victim. So then Sean pulls Lesley aside, and asks her to be honest and tell him what Tierra has been doing. Lesley is pretty diplomatic in her response, calling Tierra cold.

UGH THIS IS SO BORING. Thankfully, Harrison arrives put us out of our misery. OH god. Harrison wants to gab with Sean about his feelings. I’m sorry, folks, I can’t do it. Let’s move on to the roses. Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, Sarah, aaaand Desiree. So Robyn is out. Sean puts her in the limo with a wildly insincere “best of luck, OK?” which is hilarious. WELLL see ya later Robyn. I can’t believe there is another episode so quickly. Do you guys think Tierra is going to die? To quote my good friend Justin Bobby from The Hills, “truth and time tells all.” Indeed, Justin Bobby. Indeed.

THIS GUY.

THIS GUY.

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