“The Bachelor” Season 17, Episode 5 (part 2): Sean Lowe helps bring shame to a family

Look. I’m just going to be upfront here and save you the disappointment I felt at the end of the episode. No one is going to die tonight, okay?

We open the episode with Harrison introducing the second half of the “special two day Bachelor event,” even though it’s pretty clear that this is just a regular episode airing in the same week due to poor scheduling. I’m on to you, Harrison. You can’t call it a special event and then have everyone alive at the end of it.

If you show a bear in Act 1, that bear better be eating someone in Act 3.

If you show a bear in Act 1, that bear better be eating someone in Act 3.

Anyway, the women have traveled up to Alberta, Canada, and we are treated to shots of waterfalls and bears, once again igniting false hope for a mortal accident. This week there will be two one-on-one dates and a group date, with roses up for grabs on all dates. The first one goes to Catherine, who has largely flown under the radar thus far.

Catherine waits for Sean in the middle of a snowy expanse, and she does not look dressed for the weather at all. Get that down coat, girl! Luckily, Sean arrives in a giant snow bus. He has snow suits for both of them, which is a good thing because they’re going to go play on a glacier. Catherine has a boner for Sean’s “rugged manliness.”

They arrive at Jasper National Park, and Sean is complaining about the snowflakes hurting his wittle face, so who’s manly now, Catherine? They go sledding and do some somersaults in the snow, which Sean says is indicative of how good of a wife Catherine is going to be. Okay, Sean.  “There’s no doubt in my mind, Catherine has passed the blizzard test,” Sean says. Oh, right. I forgot that all of Sean’s dates are secret challenges to see if the women can do unglamorous things while still looking hot and maintaining femininity.

The date card had mentioned something about a fairy tale, so Catherine and Sean are going to take a horse drawn carriage to their dinner date. They go to an ice castle, which Sean says was built just for them. That sounds like a waste of time. They snuggle under a blanket, and Sean says how comfortable he is with her, which – if I’m not mistaken – is the exact compliment he’s given to just about every girl he’s had a one-on-one with and not sent home, right?

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives. It’s for Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley and Daniella. Daniella is the only one who hasn’t gotten any one-on-one time, so she cries about that in confessional after lying to the girls that she’s totally fine with it.

Sean, this is a weird face to make while listening to someone describe being a twelve year old witness to someone's death. Unpack that.

Sean, this is a weird face to make while listening to someone describe being a twelve year old witness to someone’s death. Unpack that.

Back at the ice castle, Catherine wants to make sure Sean knows why she is the way that she is…whatever that means. Oh, I guess what that means is that when she was twelve, she witnessed a friend get impaled and killed by a falling tree in a forest…Which taught her that she needed to get married and start making babies ASAP. I…don’t know what to say about that. Sean gives her the rose and they make out. I actually think Catherine could be a dark horse for this thing.

Group date time! AshLee runs ahead of the girls to hug Sean. “Always count on me first,” she says, as if beating your boyfriend’s other girlfriends to greet him is just a normal, fun thing we all do. Yet again, Sean has planned a date that will “definitely challenge the women.” The first part of this test is canoeing across a lake. There are going to be three women per canoe, with one lady getting to ride with Sean. Lesley jumps first, which AshLee judges despite the fact that she literally made a race out of getting to Sean first less than two minutes ago.

Lesley relaxes and puts down her paddle, which Sean encourages so that he can “be a man back here,” which pisses everyone off. Mostly me, but for different reasons. They get to the other side of the lake, and Sean reveals that the next part of the date is for the gals to join the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge club by diving into the freezing lake water. Sean says they don’t have to do it, but he hopes they will, because, IN CASE YOU FORGOT, Sean wants to challenge his ladies/everything is a test.

Selma quickly opts out, and Tierra says she doesn’t want to do it because she might die. IF ONLY. Sean notes that some girls seem “stoked” while others “don’t seem that stoked.” What a wordsmith! He tries to convince Selma to change her mind by saying that it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, which Selma quickly shoots down because she can come back and jump in a lake whenever she wants to…which will be never. Fair.

The remaining girls disrobe. Lesley says that she hopes Sean will give her CPR if she gets hypothermia, which I’m pretty sure is not the correct course of treatment for someone suffering hypothermia, but whatever. AshLee is nervous, but she decides to go for it. “I don’t want to, and it’s going to put me emotionally vulnerable because I know I’m doing it for Sean, and no one’s ever in my life made me want to do something for them,” she says, in possibly the most upsetting sentence ever uttered.

The robes drop, everyone runs in, dunks, and runs out. The women sound like a bunch of hamsters getting skinned. The music swells as if they all just worked together to cure cancer, rather than jump in a cold lake. Like, relax guys. You went swimming.

LOL.

LOL.

And now the medical emergency we’ve all been waiting for. Tierra can’t breathe, allegedly. She gets wrapped up by the EMTs, and carried back to the hotel. They bust out the shaky, handheld cameras to make sure everyone knows just how serious this is. OF COURSE, once Tierra gets some hot chocolate and a blanket, she’s fine, and no hospital trip is necessary.

Everyone else is having a ball and talking about how awesome the experience is, while Tierra is huddled in a bathrobe eating a sandwich. She’s well enough to baby voice to Sean about how embarrassed she is and make out with him a little, though.

Dinner time! Sean has instructed Tierra to stay at the hotel and recuperate, much to the delight of the other group date gals. Lesley is first to pull Sean aside. She tells him that jumping in the lake was “literally like slow motion.” And she’s one of the smarter ones! Sean loves her energy, and tells her he appreciates her. What a beautiful sentiment, Sean. They make out.

Sarah has brought some photos of her family and her as a child to share with Sean. She tells him that she would love for him to meet them someday, which Sean says was a reality check for him. He talks about how meeting the family is a “big step” even though he’s definitely going to be taking that step with four women in, what? Two weeks? Someone is trying to find a reason to bail, me thinks…

Back at the hotel, Tierra has miraculously recovered from her near death experience, and despite complaining that her feet were numb and in pain, she puts on a pair of high heeled boots and heads off to join the group date for dinner.

Guys, Tierra is such a creep.

Guys, Tierra is such a creep.

The gals are shit talking Tierra’s various cry-wolfing, and then things go hilariously silent when Tierra swings the door open and waltzes in. Lesley calls her a “Tierrarist,” which is great and makes me like her again even after her misuse of the word “literally.”

Lindsay is fed up with Tierra’s faking. She comments that she is too young to get married and start a family, despite the fact that she is also only 24 years old. I mean, Tierra is a nightmare and immature, but Lindsay spent the first night of this thing getting hammered in a wedding dress, so glass house, maybe?

Sean offers Lesley the rose because they turned a corner in their relationship. Tierra is upset that her Oscar winning performance did not yield her rose ceremony security.

After the date, Sean talks about how he realized tonight that he doesn’t see a future with one of the women, and he doesn’t want to lead her on. So he goes to the ladies room and asks to speak with Sarah. Oh no! I like Sarah! Do you think he was afraid that if they had kids, she’d drop the baby? Anyway, he tells her he’s not feeling it, and she is obviously shocked and sad. He says she’s amazing, which I’m sure makes her feel so much better, and then walks her back to the room to say goodbye to the other women, which just seems cruel. Let her take the back exit, you dick!

The next day, Desiree gets ready for her date while Daniella stews that Des is getting a second one-on-one when she hasn’t even had one yet. Sean and Desiree are at Banff National Park, where they are going to rappel  down a mountain and then have a picnic at the bottom. Sean is really trying to make this into a relationship metaphor. “I’m taking Des rappelling today because I want to show her If you commit to something, you can make it work no matter what,” he says. Shut up.

They make it down the mountain, so no one dies AGAIN. They have their picnic and talk about not giving up on each other, and then they climb a tree together because they’re just a couple a kids at heart, dontcha know?

This is offensive, right?

This is offensive, right?

Sean and Desiree walk through the woods, where there is a raccoon, but unfortunately no bears. They are going to have the remainder of the date in a tepee  because OF COURSE THEY ARE. Like there are literally dream catchers hanging behind them. Show, have you no shame??? Desiree talks about growing up poor and having to live in various trailer parks, punctuated by short stays in tents when times were particularly tough. Naturally, the one question Sean has about growing up is how her dad felt about it. You know, because he failed to take care of and provide adequate shelter for his woman and therefore failed at being a man. Sean gives Desiree the rose and they make out. Then this happened: “I opened up about spending some of my life living in a tent, and here I am falling in love in a teepee.” NOPE.

Nope, not those big guns.

The other big guns.

Cocktail party! Selma is first to spend some time with Sean. Since she didn’t jump in the lake for Sean, she thinks she has to prove herself tonight. She tells him to hold still, and then gives him a chaste, closed mouth, very awkward kiss – thereby shaming her entire family. “Mama, please forgive me. It was necessary. I had to bring out the big guns tonight,” she says.

Lindsay is next, and says she’s not going to kiss him for their entire conversation, forcing them to actually talk… about how they’re not going to kiss. It’s a riveting conversation. When Sean asks her to tell him something he doesn’t know about her, she replies that she sleeps naked. “I respect that,” he says. Then she breaks her promise and makes out with him. UGH Sean is such a gross kisser. I don’t need to see your tongue, Sean! There is a better way!

AshLee has abandonment issues, but she wants to relinquish control to Sean. Oh, vomit. She has a blindfold, and tells him to use it on her to symbolize her letting him be the leader. He picks her up and carries her to another couch, and then makes out with her while she’s still blindfolded. This makes me sad.

Harrison alert. Time for Sean to do some thinking… according to him, while he has no idea who is going home tonight, he is sure that his wife is in the room. Sounds right.

There are three more roses to give out, which means two women will be leaving. The first two go to Lindsay and Ashlee, so the last one is down to Selma or Tierra, since Daniella is obviously not getting one. In a move that should surprise no one in the viewing audience, the last rose goes to our resident drama queen, Tierra.

Sorry you shamed your family for nothing, Selma! Sorry Sean never showed any interest in you Daniella! You’ll find less boring boyfriends soon, I’m sure.

Next week: St. Croix! AshLee drops the L bomb! Everyone continues to hate Tierra! DRAMAAAAAAAAA!

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One Response to “The Bachelor” Season 17, Episode 5 (part 2): Sean Lowe helps bring shame to a family

  1. literally 100x better than actually watching the show.

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