“The Bachelor” Season 17, Episode 6: “Nobody’s going to take my sparkle away.”

It was a small plane, flying over open water. The stage was set for a beautiful accident, and yet they landed safely.

It was a small plane, flying over open water. The stage was set for a beautiful accident, and yet they landed safely.

We open the episode with Sean announcing that he’s decided to break the rules again, and fly into St. Croix with the gals, instead of sequestering them in their usual STD-riddled plane of despair. The women arrive at their beautiful, undeserved suite, and Tierra continues to be a piece of human garbage by refusing to share a room with any of the other ladies. She interviews that she really needs her own space, so naturally she sets up her cot in the living room – a shared space by definition. The first one-on-one date goes to AshLee, and Tierra is incensed that old, decrepit, 32-year-old AshLee is even being given a chance on this show, since everyone knows that if you haven’t locked down a man by 30, you burst into flames/dissolve into a pile of sadness/get taken to the glue factory.

AshLee and Sean are going to swim to a catamaran and take it to their own private island. “Ever since AshLee allowed me to lead her blindfolded in Canada, I feel like I’ve seen another side to her,” Sean says, hilariously. AshLee also talks about the blindfold exercise as though it’s some sort of groundbreaking treatment to immediately resolve every issue ever. Can you imagine how boring Book Five of Harry Potter would have been if Harry had just known to put on a blindfold?

Sean has apparently turned a corner on the whole not wanting to talk about drama-front, as he immediately asks AshLee what’s going on among the ladies. She tells Sean the same stuff he’s been hearing about how Tierra is a nightmare person, and Sean thanks her for her honesty. And now they’re rolling around the sand making out, and AshLee is talking about their lives fitting together perfectly, and I am just imagining how many blindfolds she’s going to need when Sean inevitably dumps her in one or two episodes.

The next date card arrives at the hotel, and it’s for Tierra. “Let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix,” the card says. Tierra is annoyed that the date is on the streets, and not on a boat, since that means there will be bugs and her makeup will melt off her face. Because everyone knows that boats are magical and therefore impenetrable to the elements.

Hey have you guys ever heard of crazy eyes?

Hey have you guys ever heard of crazy eyes?

Back on the date, Sean mentions that the next step would be meeting her family, and wants to know if there’s anything else he needs to know. AshLee hems and haws for a million years before finally explaining that when she was 17, she was fighting with her parents and decided the only solution was to marry her boyfriend. Sean’s eyes nearly pop out of his head. He says that he doesn’t view her as broken, even though he looks like he’s actively working to hold down vomit. They kiss; AshLee screams “I LOVE ST. CROIX!” and “I LOVE SEAN!” and Sean just smiles/grimaces and then kisses her. Between kisses, she assures Sean that when she said she loved him, she meant it, and he responds with an “I know,” which is every girl’s dream response to the first L bomb.

The next day, Sean is waiting for Tierra, and says he has a lot of questions for her. She starts the date by being cheerful and excited to Sean, while whining to us in the confessional about how hot and miserable she is. She does perk up a little when they go shopping and Sean buys some stuff for her, because she’s a stereotype. And then there’s a parade, and Sean and Tierra both act like it’s an amazing unplanned coincidence, even though I’ve never seen a parade that completely stopped in the middle of its route and invited two asshole tourists to be a part of it. But whatever, I’m not a scientist.

Of course, Tierra is being fun and outgoing with Sean, and he’s having a grand old time and wondering if maybe this is how she is all the time. They sit down and he asks her how things are going at the house and Tierra tries to pretend like she’s been nice, and everyone just hates her because she got the first rose. Sean, finally, seems to be seeing the cloud of negativity that is perpetually hanging over her head, based on the furrowed brow he’s sporting.

Later, at dinner, Tierra is concerned that Sean has become distant from her. He admits that the drama has probably put them slightly behind. They go and sit on a dock, and she tells him that she’s falling for him. Sean interviews that he’s come to realize that Tierra probably is an asshole to the other women, but she’s nice to him. So he’s fine with her being antisocial and generally awful, provided that she pretends to be a good person when she’s around him. This is love, people.

Des is smiling rather than attacking, which is confusing to me.

Des is smiling rather than attacking, which is confusing to me.

Now it’s 4:42AM, and Sean is breaking into the hotel so he can peep the girls without any makeup on and see if they’re worthy of his abs. He takes some pictures, in case the women don’t feel ambushed enough just by his unannounced presence. Thankfully, Sean announces that he was “pleasantly surprised” by the women’s natural faces, so they’ll all live to see another day. The group drives to the east side of the island, so they can be the first people in the US to see the sun rise. The plan for the day is to road trip from the east side to the west, where they will then see the sun set.

They stop at various locations along the way, and all the women are nervous about spending enough time with Sean to secure hometown dates. The coolest stop is a huge tree house, which I would like to live in, hopefully among monkeys, if anyone has any connections there. Finally, they arrive at their western destination and hop in the water. There’s a rose on this date, so everyone is freaking out – particularly Lindsay and Catherine, who have noticed a connection between Desiree and Sean.

Lindsay sits down with him, and once again we remember how she was a drunken mess in a wedding dress on the first night, but now he’s wild about her. Now it’s time for Catherine. She tells him that her dad probably won’t be around for the hometown date, should she get one. She explains that he lives in China now, and he had battled depression for years after being abused, and once attempted suicide in front of her and her sister. Sean thanks her for telling him, and it’s clear that it’s hard for her to talk about it, but she does a good job of being very upfront and honest about it, which are qualities that I never expect to see on this show.

At the hotel, AshLee and Lesley bond over their shared hatred of Tierra, while the Tierrarist sits inside and stews. She starts to put it together that AshLee probably said something to Sean, and gets ready to declare war. SWEET.

It’s Desiree’s turn to make a play for the rose, and she cries when she talks about how much her family means to her, and how much it would mean for Sean to experience that. She breaks down talking about how much she wants to have what her parents have, and how she wants them to see her happy.

#sunsetfail

#sunsetfail

And now it’s rose time, and Sean decides to give the rose to Lindsay, because their connection has not wavered, and he’s sure he wants to meet her family. Desiree is shocked, but thinks that she’s going to get a rose at the ceremony, and she’s okay with waiting. Then there’s no sunset. Hahaha the date is RUINED.

Date time for Lesley! Sean is concerned that their relationship is not where it needs to be compared to the other women, so he wants to just chill out and talk and figure out if there are enough feelings to keep her around. After picking some avocados, they sit down and Lesley talks a little bit about how much she loves her family, and how well he thinks he’d fit in. Sean asks the “is there anything I should know” question, and Lesley gets a little shifty, and talks about how much she likes him, but chickens out before she can tell him she’s falling for him.

Sean picks up on the tension and nerves, and is concerned that they’re not making out enough. Lesley, on the other hand, is grateful for the natural progression and pacing of their relationship, because she’s a normal person. Finally Lesley kisses him, and Sean doesn’t die from blue balls, much to my dismay.

bach6.5Dates are done, and Sean is CONFUZED. His sister Shay signed him up for the show (THANKS) and has a husband, so she’s going to provide some guidance. Sean says he can imagine proposing to all of the remaining women, and no one really stands out. So romantic. That’s the kind of story you want to tell the grandkids. Shay says that her biggest concern is that Sean is going to propose to the season villain, and that he’ll get hurt and the viewing audience will think he’s an idiot. I may be paraphrasing. Sean brings up Tierra, and in between him explaining the situation to his sister, we are treated with snippets of the following confrontation, and it’s fucking GREAT.

AshLee asks Tierra if she had fun on her date, and Tierra launches into a diatribe about being sabotaged by the other women. AshLee says no one is sabotaging, and that it’s just that she’s an asshole. Tierra says she’s not going to do high school stuff, and again mentions that AshLee is a disgusting, old, over the age of 30 monster.

AshLee says she wanted to give Tierra the benefit of the doubt, but Tierra has continuously been rude to everyone, which Tierra explains as jealousy from the girls, because men love her. And then AGAIN Tierra is like “YOU’RE A GEEZER AND DISGUSTING.” AshLee gains 1000 points in my mind by never for a moment losing her cool, but then I guess that’s something you learn in old age. And then Tierra decides she’s over it and stomps out of the room.

Now we’re in the bedroom where Lesley, Catherine and AshLee are hanging, and Tierra is trying to say that she never brought the other girls into it, even though she definitely did like two minutes ago. Lesley is just lounging on the bed with her side boob all over the place, and Catherine looks horrified to be implicated in this, and it’s all so funny. AshLee tells Tierra that she never said anything to Sean until she was asked directly, which is true, and that she only told him what she observed, which was that Tierra was a jerk all the time. Tierra denies it: “raised eyebrow? AshLee, that’s my face. I can’t help it. I have had no botox.” LOL bringing botox into the conversation is such an ace move!

AshLee mentions a previous conversation where Tierra had said that her parents were worried about her coming on the show since she can’t get along with girls. Tierra corrects her: “they said Tierra, you have a sparkle. Do not let those girls take your sparkle away.” HAHAHAHHAHAHA YOU GUYS! This is the best. I’m having a great time. Are you guys having fun? My sparkle is shining so bright right now. And what about the ice cold stares? “I can’t control my eyebrow. I cannot control my eyebrow. I can’t control what’s on my face 24/7.” Tierra, ladies and gentlemen. Hall of Fame. I take back everything I said before about her being a lesser version of Courtney, because this is fantastic. “I’m not perfect. Get over it!” is her closing statement. You’re right. The women thinking you’re too great definitely seems to be the problem here.

Sean decides to go get Tierra and have his sister meet her and see if she can see something he’s missed. He arrives at the hotel and finds her crying on the cot in her super private living room quarters. “Why is this happennniiiiiing?” she whines. “I don’t understand why you’re acting this way,” he replies. She goes into a rant about how someone in the house has sabotaged their connection, and at this point our boy Sean just looks TIRED. She continues that AshLee is the devil, basically, and Tierra is just so sensitive and scared about the process, and their date has been weighing on her, and she hates confrontation, and she’s emotional because she cares, and A WHOLE BUNCH MORE LIES.

bye

bye

After some thinking times, Sean returns to the cot and tells her that the reason he came over was because he had wanted to introduce her to his sister, and now she’s sobbing even more for NO REASON. He says her that he cares about her, and he knows how emotionally taxing it is for her, and he decides that it’s best if she gets out now, for her own sake. Which I guess is nicer than saying “I’ve fulfilled my obligation to keep the craziest person around until hometowns, so GTFO.” “I can’t believe they did this to me!” she screams in the minivan. LOLOL most self-aware person in the world. Amazing. “I told myself going into here: nobody will take my sparkle away. I’m not letting that happen.” Goodbye, Tierra. You’re a beautiful snowflake. Never change.

Somehow the ladies have not heard what went down with Tierra, so they are pleasantly surprised when Sean arrives at the cocktail party and tells them that he sent her home, because he knew she was a source of drama, and that’s not what he wants in a partner. He cancels the cocktail party, and tells the girls he’ll see them at the ceremony.

Here we go! Lindsay already has a rose – three more to hand out – one lady is going home. AshLee is having a meltdown about being the one to talk to him about Tierra. There are not enough blindfolds in the world to fix AshLee, you guys. First rose goes to Desiree. Then to Catherine. Finally, Sean calls AshLee. Phew. At least one more week before she goes all suicide mission on this whole operation.

So that’s it for Lesley. She’s bummed, but not nearly as bummed as Catherine, who appears to be taking this exit particularly hard. “If he doesn’t want Lesley, I don’t know why I’m here,” she says. She claims that Lesley had more in common with Sean than she did, and now her beliefs are shattered in terms of what he wants. That’s….confusing.

ANYWAY. This was long. Sorry. There was a lot going on. Tierra, thank you for being your beautiful, sparkly self. I’ll never forget you.

LOL.

Never forget.

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