“The Bachelor” Season 17, Episode 7: Sean Lowe is crazy about you

Guys! It’s the hometown date episode! Time flies! Only one more week til SEX DATES! We’re starting off in Houston, with poor, broken AshLee. Before meeting Sean, she didn’t know what “real, true love” was. Eesh. So glad that a man who is on a cross country trip to meet the families of his four girlfriends was able to teach you what love is, Ash.

"Get me the fuck out of here." -Bailey the yorkie.

“Get me the fuck out of here.” -Bailey the yorkie.

AshLee, Sean, and AshLee’s yorkie sit down for a picnic. “To bring home this man – I have been dreaming about this day as far back as I can remember,” she says. Which is a lie, because she didn’t even know this man existed until Emily’s season aired last March. Whatever.  The point is AshLee is really excited to bring “this man” who she has fallen “into love with” to her house. AshLee is talking about her dad, and how she basically wants to marry him, and Sean reveals that his dad is also a reverend. This is new information for AshLee, because that’s how well these two know each other. She brings up the married at 17 (coming to Lifetime soon, I HOPE) saga, and is happy that Sean didn’t set her on fire when she revealed her dark past. AshLee has stepped out of her comfort zone, and trusts “this man” like JUST USE HIS NAME, PLEASE. Anyway, she says that he’s the first person that she’s loved that is outside of her family, and then she throws a fist in the air and says “yay!” as if that sentiment isn’t the most depressing thing ever.

Parental approval is big for AshLee, so she’s nervous and excited for Sean to wow them. Her dad looks great. He wants to know what they’ve been up to, which Sean interprets as him being protective, and which I interpret as normal conversation for a people who haven’t seen each other in weeks. AshLee talks about the polar bear plunge. She cries about how the ice cold water cured her of all her abandonment issues, so I guess she was just lying with all that blindfold bullshit the other week. Then she talks about St. Croix, and she definitely makes it sound like she and Sean banged it out on the beach, which is uncomfortable for everyone.

Mom pulls Sean aside and asks if he’s going to break her daughter’s heart. He says he won’t, but I’m guessing that’s not true. Then we are reminded of AshLee’s sad start in foster care, and mom implores Sean not to leave AshLee because she doesn’t want to have to send her to Canada to get fixed again.

Mustache.

Great mustache work.

Dad’s turn! Sean is nervous to ask for his blessing to ask AshLee to marry him. He’s even more nervous that dad might ask if Sean loves her, which is not a question that would be scary if he actually did, so sorry AshLee. The first question out of dad’s mouth is “are you in love with my daughter,” and Sean gives his standard, non-committal “I’m crazy about her” response. Dad says he really hopes Sean chooses AshLee because if he doesn’t she’s going to be a mess and Bruce doesn’t want to have to deal with the emotional fallout, basically. Sean asks if he’d be cool with Sean proposing if he decides that’s what he wants, and Bruce says if Sean loves her, then that’s fine.

Back at the table, Bruce tells the story of the first time he met AshLee. He tears up talking about how he fell in love with her right away. And then things take a turn for the creepy, when he says that he hopes that whoever AshLee marries falls in love with her in the same way, and that when that happens, he’ll step back and let the hubby fill his role. AshLee and her dad should just make it official already.

AshLee and Sean kiss a little bit, and AshLee confessionalizes about how magical the day has been, and cries some more about how Sean makes her feel like she can conquer the world, and ughhh she’s such a sad character.

Dead fish. Cool date.

Dead fish. Cool date.

Seattle! Sean meets Catherine at Pike Place, where he does that fish tossing and catching thing. Then of course, he says she has to do it too because he likes when pretty girls do not pretty things but still look pretty while they do them. They laugh a lot and appear to be having a good time, and this must be a breath of fresh air after spending the day with sad, fragile AshLee.

Sean is meeting Catherine’s mom, grandma and two sisters. He preps food with mom, flirts with Grandma, and then does push ups with Catherine on his back, naturally.

Catherine sits down with her sisters and tells them how giddy Sean makes her feel. They want to know if she’d say yes if there was a proposal at the end of things. She says that if he does, she’d say “yeah, I want to try this out,” which is not really a resounding yes, but is appropriate to the level of intimacy they’ll have by that point, so I’m cool with it. The sisters are surprised because Catherine went on the show for giggles and now it’s actually serious.

Now the sisters are with Sean, and when he asks if they think Catherine is ready to settle down, they give a non-answer that basically translates to no. They seem to be trying to tank the relationship as they talk about how she needs to be with someone who can handle and call out her various issues like being messy and having feelings.

Mom talks to Sean about the future, and she’s super rational about everything. When Sean asks about getting a blessing for marriage, mom says that they can talk about it when there aren’t three other women in the picture. Sean is upset that everyone was skeptical, which YEAH you’re dating a buncha ladies, no doy they’re skeptical. He doesn’t know how their relationship will progress, because while it’s perfectly fine for him to be debating which of three ladies he wants to bang on the reg, Catherine and her whole family need to be 100% certain about him.

Now we’re off to Fort Leonard Wood, MO to meet Lindsay’s family. Sean is nervous because Lindsay’s dad is a general, which is something we’re going to be hearing A LOT about. Sean talks about how he loves Lindsay’s “youthful energy.” She’s 24. That’s just youth, Sean.

This is the second girl to sit on Sean while he does push-ups. VERY COOL STUFF.

This is the second girl to sit on Sean while he does push-ups. VERY COOL STUFF.

They sit down and Sean asks a million questions about her dad. And then Lindsay gives Sean some clothes and says he has to get “army ready” and then she pretends to be a drill sergeant and yells at him and makes him do some exercises and it’s so dumb let’s just move on.

Anyway, this entire date is just about her dad, because he’s the most interesting thing about Lindsay. Sean wants to make sure that when her dad looks at him, he sees a man. OKAY, Sean. Anyway, her dad is wearing a nice sweater and could not be less intimidating.

Lindsay’s mom, Lisa, pulls Sean aside and he trots out the tried and true “I’m crazy about her” line, but mom wants to know if he’s falling in love with her. Sean says he can’t answer because the “I love you” is reserved for the last lady standing, and Lisa seems to respect his honesty. They talk about how Lindsay is a baby, but she’s a baby who is ready to start having babies, so it’s fine. And again we’re back to stressing about the dad, like just because a general doesn’t mean he’s going to pull out an assault rifle, Sean. Relax.

General Dad just doesn’t want Lindsay to get hurt, and Sean says he’s crazy about her at least twice. He hems and haws and kind of sort of asks for General Dad’s blessing. Dad says it’s the toughest question he’s been asked, and Sean says it’s the toughest question he’s asked, never mind the fact that he’s already asked this very question two times this episode. Dad says he doesn’t know if he can give an answer, and then he talks about being a paratrooper and Sean is popping a huge boner and dad says as long as Lindsay says yes, he can have his blessing. First time anyone has acknowledged the fact that the woman has any input on this. Progress?

Off to L.A. to hang with Desiree and her family. Based on the promos, this is probably going to be the only interesting thing in the episode. They go on a hike, which Sean loves because he’s an “outdoorsy” guy. Outdoorsy and crazy are the words of the season.

Fourth wall.

Fourth wall.

They go to Desiree’s house, and prepare dinner together. And then there’s a knock at the door, and there’s a dude who hugs Desiree for an awkwardly long time, and then he launches into a declaration of love, saying that he’s been texting and calling and he misses her, and he calls Sean an actor, and Sean is clenching his fists and lookin’ all angry-like, and then Des says that now that he’s here, she has to tell him something. DUN DUN.

Of course it’s a prank. Because Sean pranked her that one time! And pranks are always funny and never annoying at all. Finally the family arrives, and they talk about being in Montana and Desiree milking the goat. Mom thinks Sean is attractive, and that Desiree has a glow about her. Then apparently Sean talks to the dad, but we don’t get to see it because we need to save time for the brother confrontation.

Nate, the brother, has been skeptical from the beginning. He thinks the whole thing is stupid, and he doesn’t want Des to go for the wrong dude. She asks if he’d be happy for her if they ended up together, and he says he’d be thinking it’ll never work out. And he’d probably be right, given this show’s track record.

Palpable sexual tension.

Palpable sexual tension.

Nate asks Sean if he can “holler at [him] real fast.” They go outside, and Nate says that he’s observed Desiree being really into Sean, but Sean doesn’t seem to reciprocate. Sean asks why, and says he’s crazy about Desiree. “You’re crazy about a lot of girls,” Nate says. Which is hilarious because he literally has said that about each of the remaining women multiple times. Anyway, Sean says he really likes Desiree, but he hasn’t picked a wifey yet. Nate thinks that he’s a playboy and is just taking advantage of the circumstances, and cannot be convinced otherwise. They awkwardly return to the party, and Nate is still being confrontational, and everyone seems uncomfortable and small talk-y, and then Sean says thank you and leaves. Sean and Desiree have a really awkward goodbye, with a closed mouth kiss. Welp, smell you later, Desiree.

FIRE HAZARD.

FIRE HAZARD.

Shirtless Sean! It’s been a while. Welcome back, abs. Sean says he can picture a life with AshLee and Lindsay, but still has questions about Catherine and Desiree, because their families didn’t offer to blow him immediately. He sits down with Harrison in a room FILLED with candles. Harrison asks Sean if all of the women are “literally on the chopping block.” HARRISON. Not you too! I trusted you! Unless you’re using the word correctly, in which case I am very much looking forward to this rose ceremony.

So Sean emerges from his candlelit vigil to thank the girls for bringing him home. He says that he still doesn’t know who he wants to send home, which is ridiculous. He’s going to just pick up the roses and see what his heart says, is what he says. You totally know, you weirdo. Anyway, he picks up the first rose, and the music gets all murdery, and Desiree looks like she’s having an aneurysm, and then she asks him if they can talk for a second.

She cries and apologizes for her brother. He tells her that she doesn’t need to apologize, which duh, but she’s still really upset, and Sean says “I get it” a lot and then they go back. That was unnecessary and dumb.

The first rose goes to AshLee, then to Lindsay, unsurprisingly. Catherine is sweating balls because she didn’t pull Sean for some last minute begging. He picks up the final rose, and stares off into space for a while, and then puts the rose back down and storms off like a BIG OL’ BABY. He returns to the candle room to stare at Desiree and Catherine’s pictures and whine about clarity. Harrison’s ace advice is to “get this right.” VERY HELPFUL.

Now Sean is saying that he thought he was going to send Des home, but now that she made a plea he doesn’t know. What happened to “I have no idea who’s going home,” SEAN? You’re a liar! Anyway, he comes back and offers the rose to Catherine.

He walks her out and they sit on a bench, and he says he’s sad and that he might wake up tomorrow and feel like it’s a mistake, which is a dick thing to say to someone you’re dumping. Don’t keep her on the hook! She says she’s sure it’s a mistake, and then he walks her to the limo and tells her he’s going to miss her, which is also a dick move. They hug for a million years and Desiree keeps saying it’s not right and it’s a mistake, and then finally says “I want you to be happy” as she exits. Woof.

Apparently there’s a “Sean Tells All” special on Tuesday. I’m probably not recapping that because Sean is so fucking boring. Next week = SEX DAAATES! See you there.

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