“The Bachelor” Season 17, Episode 8: Sex daaaaates! (nothing you say will convince me otherwise, Sean “born again virgin” Lowe)

Well folks, we’re in the final stretch. Sean has taken his final three girlfriends to the South of Thailand to figure out who he has the best sexual chemistry with. Sean lies that he still has no clue who he wants to pick. Or at least I hope he’s lying. Otherwise big time bummer for whoever is getting a ring at the end of things.

Catherine is weird, nerdy and goofy, but knows how to be serious. AshLee is open and honest and is really good at complimenting Sean and reminding him that she needs to be taken care of/fixed. Lindsay is fun (read: 24 years old and with no baggage), but also knows such impressive words as “adolescence,” and is therefore deep.

Someone's having fun!

Someone’s having fun!

Lindsay gets the first sex audition. Sean says today is all about trying new things (girl, I hope you’re limber), and Linds is on board but says that she draws the line at eating bugs. HM I WONDER IF THAT WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. They arrive at an outdoor market and ace reporter Lindsay reports that this is very different from Missouri.  WHADDAYA KNOW! There’s a stand selling fried bugs! Naturally, Sean takes this opportunity to test Lindsay, because putting women in uncomfortable situations and forcing them to acquiesce to his will is his favorite hobby. “For a brief moment I considered not eating the bug. Then I saw how brave Sean was, and I figured if he can handle it I can handle it,” Lindsay says. There are literal tears in her eyes as she takes down not one, but two bugs. “Right before we eat the grasshopper, I could tell she does not want to do it, but she’s a sport, and she went ahead and did it,” Sean says, gleefully, because what he needs from a partner is someone who is not going to ask questions or have any sort of resolve.

RAGE.

RAGE.

The two head to a beach picnic, and talk about how the hometown date went so well (A.K.A. Sean still hasn’t gotten over that Army boner and really wants to have beers and talk about paratrooping with General Dad 4eva) Lindsay says she can’t wait to start their life together, and it really just sounds like a little girl playing house given Lindsay’s teeny tiny, dumb voice. OH GOD. They’re playing with monkeys. Guys, I don’t know if you know this about me, but literally the ONLY thing on my bucket list is getting to hang out with a monkey in its natural habitat. THAT’S IT! THAT’S THE ONLY THING! These two assholes stole my dream and I’ll never recover. Whatever. I hate everything. There is only darkness in my heart now.

Sean and Lindsay are having dinner now. They’re eating in front of traditional Thai floats, which are sparkly and light up and are also things that these two dickbags do not deserve to experience before me. Lindsay notes that there are “flowers made out of petals” on the ground, which makes me wonder what she thinks flowers are usually made out of. Sean talks about the future, and asks Lindsay if she would be open to moving to Dallas, as if there are any other options on the table. Lindsay says she “takes this serious” [sic] and rattles off a whole lotta nonsense that makes little to no sense. Thankfully some Thai dancers come in to break up this boring as fuck conversation, and now it’s time for the fantasy suite card.

In the hotel room, they drink champagne and talk about how they both want to marry their best friend and Lindsay very awkwardly says she loves him, and the romantic music swells as Sean makes out with her and says “I love hearing you say that.” Then we see them mack more on the balcony and we go to commercials. WTF?! Where is the gross shared bathtub? Come on, guys. It’s the sex date episode! Get weird!

Now Sean’s waiting to meet AshLee, who says she’s excited to spend the day with the love of her life. Woof. They hop on a boat, and AshLee continues to break my heart as she talks about how happy she is to spend the night her true love, a dude who is currently in the middle of scoring a hat trick on national television. Anyway, today is also going to be a test, because AshLee has issues, and Sean wants her to prove that she trusts him and that she will “latch onto [him] for support.” Cool. He’s going to make her swim through a dark, scary cave. Cool cool cool. “I think it’s important that Ashlee is able to let go of control. You know, I want my wife to be able to trust me in certain situations, and today I need to figure out whether or not she’s capable of that.” Dear god, Sean, what went wrong to make you this way??

Notice that Sean gets to hold on to the flotation device, while AshLee must only hold on to Sean. Relationships are all about putting your life in someone else's hands.

Notice that Sean gets to hold on to the flotation device, while AshLee must only hold on to Sean. Relationships are all about putting your life in someone else’s hands.

Ominous music plays as AshLee hangs onto Sean and talks about how scared she is while they swim through the cave. “It’s scary, but that’s kind of how life is sometimes. It’s like when you’re with the person you love, you’re going down this dark alleyway,” AshLee says. Oh jeez. Get this woman a counseling session like yesterday, show.  “I love feeling like I’m AshLee’s protector,” Sean says. This might be the worst thing that’s ever happened on this show.

Anyway, Sean seems satisfied that AshLee is sufficiently dependent. It’s funny that he feels the need to put AshLee through these kinds of tests, given that she’s so clearly the most broken down and fragile of all the remaining ladies. But whatever, they kiss on the beach, and the music pretends this is a happy moment and not a big ol’ vomity mess.

At dinner, there is another inane conversation about love and marriage and the future. They talk about being older (29 and 32, so no) and waiting to get married to be sure it’s the right person, so I guess we’re just going to pretend the whole married at 17 thing never happened? Sure. Suite card arrives, and Sean has to pretend like the hotel room is just about staying up and talking all night without cameras, and not about banging, which I just don’t believe. AshLee wants to make sure that no one thinks she’s crossing any boundaries, but since he made that concession, she’s cool with going to the hotel room to “talk” all night.

They go to the hotel room, and talk about their journey from the first night. Sean talks about how special he thinks she is, and then AshLee classily describes the ring she wants and provides her ring size. Then we hear how Sean has “literally healed [AshLee’s] broken heart,” and that “if [she] has anything to do with it” she’ll end up marrying him. Well, at least she seems to understand that this joint life decision will be made unilaterally.

It's a cool boat, though, right?

It’s a cool boat, though, right?

Catherine’s up! They hop on a boat that looks like a pirate ship, and cruise around the surrounding islands. Catherine wants to make sure that despite how silly she’s been with him, he knows that she’s serious about things. Sean wants to know if she’s ready to give up her life and move to Dallas, because, again, ladies have to be the ones to uproot always. Catherine seems up for it, and now we’re going to talk about the sisters again. She says that she doesn’t think they really know what she’s up for, and she’s ready to move to Dallas to prove as much.

Then they go swimming and snorkeling and make out a bunch. Sean needs to learn how to not use so much tongue when he’s kissing. Subtlety is important, buddy!

Dinner time! Sean wants to know where Catherine sees them in five years. Catherine says married, with a kid and happy, which seems to be the answer Sean is looking for. She also mentions that she’s pretty traditional, and him not being able to disclose his feelings for her makes her feel weird. I mean… he could. Sean has broken just about every other rule, so.. but whatever, apparently making any one of the women feel respected and loved prior to the designated finale is the one thing that he CANNOT do. Catherine says she thought she wouldn’t agree to the fantasy suite because of her values, but she knows that it’s about the off camera bonding time, and not the sexy times, and therefore she’s down to go “talk.” Sorry, guys. I’m just not buying it. I think Sean has an image, and he’s trying to keep it up, but these a holes are definitely rounding some bases in that hotel room, right?

They go to the suite, and Catherine tells Sean that he’s beefy and hunky, but she likes him for what’s inside too, and she seems surprised that he also thinks she’s hot, which COME ON. Catherine’s beautiful, and also seems way too cool and fun for Sean. But whatevsies. They make out in a pool and Catherine interviews that she’s in love with Sean. I have to say, I think she’s going to win it. It’s disappointing, because she seems well adjusted and fun, but hey – that’s life.

Obligatory Sean body shot. Equal opportunity objectification on this show!

Obligatory Sean body shot. Equal opportunity objectification on this show!

Sean gets ready, and there are still 20 minutes left, so methinks we have a lot of filler to get through. He says he knows who he has to go home, and while he cares for her, there’s just not as much there as with the other gals. He says he never pictured saying goodbye to this one, so it’s going to be tough. Probably more so for her, but sure, Sean, we all feel REAL sorry for you. Sean sits down with Harrison, and they have a super boring, super repetitive conversation.

Oof. Video messages. These are always awful. Lindsay is first. God her baby voice is awful. Anyway, she mentions the wedding dress, and says how far they’ve come, and that she loves him and wants to be his wife and make him happy forever. He probably likes that. Catherine calls Sean a “mega hunk” and says when she thinks about him she gets the “wiggles,” whatever that means. She thinks Sean gets her, and she sees him as a hubby. AshLee says she’s the happiest she’s ever been, and that Sean has fixed her, basically. He starts to look uncomfy when she tears up and says that together, they’re whole. Uh oh. Guess we know who’s getting the big fat boot. “Because of who you are to me, I know that I am no longer broken. And ultimately, for that, I will always love you,” she says. YIKES. This is going to be rough to watch.

After watching Sean feel sorry for himself for about 45 minutes, we finally get to the rose ceremony. Sean talks about getting dumped by Emily, and how he hates that he has to do that to one of them, and stop stalling, SEAN. First rose goes to Lindsay. Sean picks up the second rose, holds it for another 45 minutes, and finally calls Catherine.

Daggers! Bye, AshLee. I hope there are a lot of blindfolds and cold lakes in your future.

Dagger eyes! Bye, AshLee. I hope there are a lot of blindfolds and cold lakes in your future.

AshLee looks PISSED. She walks out without saying a word to the other girls or Sean, and when Sean tries to walk her to the car, she tells him not to bother. He manages to get her to stop, and she gives him an ice cold stone face while he tells her how hard this is for him. She lets him get it all out, and then sighs and says “all right” before getting in the limo. That was a pretty great exit. You can tell it made Sean feel like shit, and I am all about that. In the limo, she says this wasn’t a game, and mostly keeps it together. She’s trying so hard not to cry, turning away from the cameras when she has to wipe a tear away. Well. AshLee has been a sad case this whole time, but I certainly do feel bad for her.

Next week! Women Tell All! Which, I’m guessing, is going to be about 80% Tierra talk. See you there!

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One Response to “The Bachelor” Season 17, Episode 8: Sex daaaaates! (nothing you say will convince me otherwise, Sean “born again virgin” Lowe)

  1. Collie says:

    You nailed it. NAILED IT. I think your assessments are 200% right on. Well done.

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