We did it! The season’s over! And it has been a doozy. When I initially heard about Sean as the Bachelor, I was expecting a painfully boring season. And while he is certainly no Brad, this season did manage to be fairly fun to watch – thanks in large part to the very sparkly Tierra. But now, it’s time to say goodbye, as Sean decides which girlfriend he wants to keep dating off camera.
Harrison greets us from a live studio, where a group of sad people fans are going to watch the finale together, before sitting through the After the Final Rose special. So with all the production stuff that has to happen, that’s probably 5-6 hours they’ll never get back. Harrison mentions some “late breaking news” that has apparently never happened before, and could make for the most romantic moment ever. I’m crossing my fingers for a shotgun wedding, but I have a feeling I’ll be wrong.
Back to the real show – Sean is in Thailand, and is STILL saying that he has no idea who he wants to pick. His family is here to help him make up his mind, and he’s especially excited to see his niece and nephew, who, FINE, are actually freakishly cute (even though they have stupid names – Kensington and Smith? That’s enough now). Catherine is up first. Sean tells his family how wonderful she is, and says that she has a great family, so I suppose we’re going to forget the sister confrontation happened. Sean’s mom rightfully points out that if he’s supposed to be proposing in three days, he probably should already have an idea of who that woman is. Sean maintains that he is equally in love with both women.
Catherine is first up. We learn that in sixth grade, Catherine was the only girl on an all-boys football team, which impresses Sean’s adorable dad. Thankfully for Sean, who I can’t imagine would be comfortable with such a defiance against gender norms, she broke her arm and then became a cheerleader. That’s better.
Sean’s mom pulls her aside, and wants to know when she knew, and Catherine talks about the silly notes that started in the first week, and are apparently very important to Sean and Catherine’s relationship – even though we have heard almost nothing about them prior to these last episodes. Mom wants to know if Catherine would be “on board” if Sean proposed, and she of course says yes and talks about how Sean is basically Jesus reincarnated, and she couldn’t bear to lose him. Because, as we all know, the only options here are to get engaged or never see each other ever again. Heaven forbid the Bachelor decide he wants to just be in a relationship like normal humans for a little while.
Now it’s Dad’s turn. He wants to know if she believes in the “Bachelor process” which, I’ll remind you, has a 0% success rate (Mesnick doesn’t count, and we’re not talking about Bachelorettes). Catherine says she was skeptical at first, but that Sean convinced her. And then there’s some talk about Catherine giving herself to Sean, and Sean giving himself to her, and hardships, and fighting, and whatever this nonsense is, it’s enough to make Sean’s dad fall for her. He says that if she’s the one at the end, he’ll be her biggest fan, and he’ll love her like a daughter. Catherine gets emotional, which makes sense given her tenuous relationship with her own dad.
Catherine says goodbye, and Sean talks about how his family loved her, and she loved them. It’s all very positive and nice. And then he says this: “Although I see Catherine as my wife, I equally see Lindsay as my wife as well.” Sean! Do you know that you’re saying this on national TV? No matter how this turns out, this does not sound good!
It’s the next day, and Lindsay’s turn to wow the Lowes. Sean is excited for her to meet them, since they’ve been talking about it for weeks. So, the entire length that they’ve known each other? COOL!
They sit down with the family, and immediately bring up the monkeys, because someone out there wants to hurt me. And, of course, we have to talk about how Lindsay was a drunken wreck in a wedding dress on the first night, only in this revisionist version, it was a symbol of her courage, and not a symbol of her being 24 and not great at holding her liquor/making decisions.
Sean’s dad wants to know how Lindsay can be sure that this love is the real deal. Lindsay says she wants to hang out with him all the time. HIGH PRAISE. She also talks about marriage as compromise, and drops in some prayer talk to really get dad on board. Dad says that since the day Sean was born, he and his wife have been saying a daily prayer for Sean’s wife, where ever she is. And then Lindsay tears up as he wonders if she’s the one he’s been praying for. And then Lindsay asks for Sean’s hand in marriage, and she can barely get the question out without giggling because LOL why would a lady ever even need to ask that question?!
Now it’s Sean’s mom’s turn, and she wants to know when it clicked for Lindsay. She talks about how they have the same values and wants, and that on their first date it felt like their fifth. Whatever that means. Lindsay alleges that while she and Sean like to be goofy, they’ve had all the serious talks – AKA no living in sin. Then Lindsay tears up again and hugs Sean’s mom, and she definitely thinks she has this in the bag.
Lindsay and Sean part ways, and he returns to his family to get their opinions. “I think I could probably have a long, happy marriage with both Catherine and Lindsay at this point,” Sean says. Maybe the late-breaking news is that Sean became a bigamist? That’d be fun.
The family is not much help, as they say they really enjoyed both women. Mom is still pretty concerned that Sean is still undecided about who he’s going to propose to in 48 hours. She suggests that if he’s not sure and excited, maybe he doesn’t need to propose to either one of them. Sean seems pissed as he says that she’s only seen 20 minutes, and hasn’t been around for the “long time” that he’s been going through this. Which is what? A month? Maybe two? A lifetime! Anyway, Sean doesn’t want her opinion, he just wants her support, which is a pretty accurate portrayal of what Sean wants from a woman in general, I would wager.
Last date with Lindsay, who stole her shorts for the big date from a cabbage patch doll, it seems. They get on a boat and drink champagne, and Sean explains geography to a RAPT Lindsay, who naturally knows nothing about where they are beyond the fact that it’s “so cool.” They talk about how great Sean’s family was, and I only now realize that there’s a poor man tasked with rowing their boat. I hope for his sake he doesn’t speak English. Then they reminisce about the four dates they’ve gone on that have prepared them for a possible engagement. Sean tells Lindsay that he thinks she’ll be a “hot old chick,” which inspires her to say how much she loves him.
It’s nighttime and Lindsay is having Sean over to her suite in order to make her final plea. They make out for a while, and then they talk about previous make out sessions, because that’s exactly how much these two have in common. She baby-talks how he has everything she wants in a husband, but she wishes she knew what he was thinking. He evades the question by saying how pretty she is and then kissing her, which is enough for her. She says his kisses show her how she feels, and that’s why they’re always making out. Oh, is it not because you have literally nothing to talk about/because you’re drunk every time you’re together? Weird. Then they do the Thailand wish lantern thing, where they write what they want, light them, and then send them into the ether. Lindsay says that this moment is “24 years in the making,” reminding us just how young and not ready to be married she is.
Sean is stressed because his date with Lindsay went well, but now he has a date with Catherine, a woman who he is equally as excited about. Jesus. They are going to ride an elephant, which is another thing I would like to do, so fuck these guys. They climb a hill, and they have a full view of gorgeous Thailand, and I’m just getting more and more angry. Anyway, they cuddle and talk about the future, and Catherine is excited and is finally letting herself get excited. She interviews that today is the last day, so she has to tell him how she feels. Because otherwise he’ll kill her, I assume.
Date night at Catherine’s digs. She’s a little concerned because she’s let the relationship evolve slowly, and wasn’t shouting I love you after week three like some of the other girls. She tells him that she’s been nervous to open up about her feelings, because she knows that he won’t be able to respond. But since there’s so much on the line (read: death), she knows she needs to be comfortable with him. The closest he gets to reassuring her is telling her that he pictures their lives together, and that he thinks she’s incredible. She still hasn’t dropped the L bomb, though, so Sean is probably loading the crossbow just outside the frame. Finally, as they are saying goodbye, she whispers “Sean, I love you.” “Thank you for today,” is his generous response. He’s also holding what looks like a scrap book type thing, which apparently was given off camera.
She is freaking out, because he didn’t say it back, and she couldn’t see it in his eyes, or something. So she cases him down, and his grand gesture of reassurance is to say “we had fun today, right?” And then they part ways, and Catherine falls onto her bed and cries a lot about how the goodbye sucked, and she’s so unsure.
After a quick check in with the audience, who excitingly report that they think he might ask either Catherine OR Lindsay to marry him, we’re back to the real thing. Neil Lane is on his way, and Sean has apparently finally made up his mind, though he still maintains he could have a long, happy life with both of the women. He picks out an enormous rock, and we’re treated with some final shots of shirtless Sean, as he gets dressed for the big night.
Lindsay is wearing a shiny, silver dress, and she cries that her whole life is about to change. She seems very sure she’s won. Catherine, meanwhile, is in an equally shiny gold dress, and she’s a lot more stressed out about what might happen today.
And now we’re back in the studio, to hear from Sean’s castoffs. No one cares! Moving on. Sean is positioned on the platform of eternal commitment, and he’s very emotional about having to dump someone without any real reason why. You’d think “I’m in love with someone else” would be a pretty easy reason, but I guess not? Anyway, first out of the limo is…. LINDSAY. We listen to her say that today is the day she gets engaged, and how excited she is as she walks to her doom. She greets him, and he starts by saying all the nice things that the Bachelor is obligated to say in order to make sure the girl thinks she’s about to be chosen. Then there’s a big ol’ pause, her face falls, and the BUT comes. His heart is with someone else, he says. She pulls her hands from his, and has to listen to him blather on about how tough this has been for him. She tells him to stop, but he won’t because he’s a dick, going so far as to say that he does love her. “I think it’s important that you know how hard this is for me,” he says, crying. Lindsay almost laughs, bless her, and then awesomely says “ok, well I’m going to go.” He hugs her, she takes her heels off, because fuck that, and hits the road.
Then there’s lots of Lindsay crying, and Sean crying, and then Harrison is there to give Sean The Letter that has been pimped since like day two. It’s from Catherine, but instead of it being any sort of dramatic thing, it’s just a very nice note telling him how much she loves him, since notes have always been their thing. OK cool. That was exciting.
So Catherine arrives, and she’s looking much more cool, calm and collected as she walks to the platform of eternal commitment. She blinks a lot and takes a lot of deep breaths as Sean tells her how much he loves her. He proposes, she says yes, they get on an elephant and ride into the sunset. “This is the coolest day of my life!” she says.
Oh wait. After the Final Rose happened. Real quick now:
- Lindsay, like all runner-ups in the history of ever, just wants to know when he knew.
- Catherine and Sean are still together and are at least pretending to be very happy for the moment.
- That huge, late breaking news? Sean and Catherine are going to get married on TV. Just like every couple that has ever made it to the altar before them. Cool. Very shocking.
- Desiree is the new Bachelorette.
But really, this has been a fun season, and the first time I’ve written all the recaps on my own, so thank you for bearing with me. All the positive feedback is very much appreciated. If anyone wants to join my “Brad Womack: 4th times a charm” letter writing campaign, please send me an email through the about page.