“The Bachelorette” Season 9, Episode… who even knows?

Oh hi guys! So listen. The powers that be over at ABC were obviously not paying close attention to my schedule, as they decided to start Desiree’s season in the midst of season four of “The Voice,” a show that I was busy recapping over at Popdust. And sure, that season ended two weeks ago, and if I were a more diligent recapper, I would have been back two episodes ago. But did you guys know Shakira and Usher were coaches for this season? It was a doozy. It was an emotional roller coaster. I needed a break.

But not anymore! I’m back to cover the back end of this crazy season of “The Bachelorette,” starting NOW. While I have been watching this season as it’s unfolded, I am just going to be honest and admit that I have not watched closely enough to learn anyone’s names (except for James, but what good is that now?), so bear with me, team.

Des and her suitors are in Madeira, Portugal. Ugh. UNEARNED. Apparently next week is hometowns? Holy moly, the season flies by when you’re not making jokes I guess. Oh, cool. A bunch of Desiree’s former sister-girlfriends are here. Catherine says that she and Sean are just the best of friends when asked how they’re doing, which sounds like something you’d say about a person you have zero sexual chemistry with, right? But she’s still wearing that giant rock, so okay. The other gals are Lesley and the girl who got sent home on the two-on-one with Tierra whose name I forget. Sorry! They drink mimosas and objectify the dudes a bit, as you do.

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The first one on-one-date is going to the long haired dude who I think is called Brooks. He had the first date, I  think, and I like him so far. They’re road tripping up to the top of a mountain and communing with the clouds like the gods of promiscuity that they are and it’s straight bull how pretty it is. They blather on about how “right” and “easy” it all is and they’re on “cloud nine” and do you get it because they’re literally IN THE CLOUDS? And they broke through the clouds, but they also had a real “breakthrough” like do you see what Des did there, GUYS? Metaphors!

Back at the hotel, there’s a date card for… Chris. Whoever that is.

Brooks really wants to make sure that he and Des are on the same page. Does that mean that he’s also dating four other people? That would be a fun twist. They liken falling in love to doing a race, and Des is running, while Brooks is only jogging. TROUBLE IN PARADISE. Brooks talks about loving his family as if it’s totally wild and crazy and unusual, and not something that most of us consider the norm. And then fireworks go off, and the reactions from these two idiots make me think they’ve both been locked up for every July Fourth thus far in their lives.

The next day, it’s time for Chris’s date. He and Des are heading to sea on a ridiculously nice boat. They rub each other down and each interview about their mutual attraction as soft core porn music plays, NATURALLY.

get a room.

get a room.

Back at the hotel, Michael gets the next date card. I remember this guy. He’s the one who tried to call out that other guy for being a bad dad and a bad catholic on the two-on-one date. He should definitely go home.

Chris and Des have landed on a private island. At this point, have all the Bachelors and Bachelorettes hit all the private islands yet? How many more can there be? Anyway, after talking about how great everything is, it’s time for Chris and Des to write poetry together. Oh, good lord I cannot.

Chris wants to tell Des that he loves her over dinner, which he’s nervous about. Is this their first one-on-one date? It’s their second at best, right? That seems like as good of a time as any to tell someone you love them, I guess. After some family talk, some awkward, quirky music starts as Chris clams up about saying I love you to Des. Finally he’s ready, and OF COURSE he’s put it in a freaking poem. A rhyming poem. Jesus h. Christ. Do people really like this? Am I dead inside? Des is on board, and rewards him by smashing her face into his. Romance!

For Michael’s date, they’re going to wander through the city and act like they’re just normal people living a normal life. They end up in a secluded garden with a waterfall.  You know, normal stuff. And then they’re tobogganing down a street, because “love is a wild ride” and “sometimes things are just out of your control” and can’t a toboggan ride just be a toboggan ride this time?

Love guys. It's like love.

Love guys. It’s like love.

It’s dinner time, which means it’s Michael’s turn to tell Des that he loves his family and convince Des that she should want to meet them. Boooooooooring. Michael wants to be a husband and a dad. Boooooooooring.

At the hotel, the final date card arrives. It’s a two-on-one for Drew and Zak. This date has a rose, but I don’t think it’s the fight to the death that two-on-one dates normally are, since the person who doesn’t get the rose doesn’t get sent home. That’s even more awkward, show!

Michael’s last girlfriend cheated on him. Boring. He’s finally over it and feeling feelings again. Boring. I wish Michael would talk more about being a federal prosecutor. It’d be refreshing to hear some talk from someone with a real job on this show for once.

Two-on-one time! Today is all about FUN, so the three stooges take to the race track. Of course, after one lap, Des leaves the boys to do their boy thang and race to win her affection. Unsurprisingly, Zak smokes Drew on the track, which means that Drew, as he explains, is going to have to work even harder to get the rose – as if who won the stupid race is of any consequence whatsoever.

In fact, the prize for winning the race is to get the first alone time, which doesn’t seem like a win at all, since the second one gets the final word in. Zak uses his time to recap his time with her through some drawings. Zak is hilarious to me. I love that he’s a giant meat head with an artistic side. He’s perfect.

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Drew’s family all watched Sean’s season of “The Bachelor” and so they’re all excited to meet Des. He also reminds Des that his sister is mentally handicapped and says he’s excited for them to meet as well. Then he makes out with her a bunch and says he’s fallen for her mid mack. Gross.

Both the guys think they should get the rose, although Zak help back his ‘I love you’ out of respect for Drew, while Drew went balls to the wall. Probably because of that, Drew ends up getting the rose, although Zak takes it pretty well, because Zak is the best, even though he spells his name like an idiot.

Chris sits down with Des to talk, and she admits that she’s already in love has reached the finish line with Brooks. Well that kind of ruins the suspense. Like she’s obviously going to end up with him, right? She says that it’s not game over, and that she can still picture a life with Chris, and that she’s falling in love with him as well. All right top two! So I guess that makes it a toss up between Michael and Zak for who’s leaving. Please keep Zak! I must know who created him!

First rose goes to Brooks, obv. Second rose goes to Chris. Double obvs. The final rose goes to…. Zak! YES! I mean, he has no chance of making it to the finals, but I want him to stick around 4eva. I can’t wait to see all the art and exercise equipment in his house.

Michael is sad and calls his mom in the cab and cries to her and OOF that is a bum-bum-bummer.

Next week: hometown dates! Zak’s family plays music and sings a song and UGH I CANNOT WAIT. Call me, Zak. Seriously. Let’s be best friends.

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